When I'm looking back
How we were young and stupid
Do you remember that?
No matter how I fight it
Can't deny it
Just can't let you go
I still need you
I still care about you
Though everything's been said and done
I still feel you
Like I'm right beside you    

Sudden pounding on the door to my hotel room, pulls me out of a sound sleep, and I quickly stumble to the door. Somebody better be dead, or seriously injured. It's just nearing seven a.m, and there is no reason for me to be up this early.    

I open the door, and resist the urge to gag at the sight of Lauren, freshly showered, and giddy as ever.    

"Guess what today is!" She says excitedly, practically bouncing where she stands.    

"Gee, Laur....I don't have a clue." I roll my eyes and retreat to my bed. She's lost her damn mind, if she thinks I'm getting up this early.    

"Come on, Al....you have you get up. We've got a ton of stuff to do."    

"Such as?"    

"Hair and nail appointments...I need to practice my vows. We have to get dressed, and Leigh has to do everybody's make up. We have to get to the church before the boys do, because Trace is not seeing me until the ceremony..." She continues to ramble from her mental list, and I can feel myself losing focus.    

I knew I shouldn't have gone to get her stupid make up bag, so late. Of course, it wouldn't have taken half as long, if I would have kept my nose out of Justin's business.     

He had me really worried last night. One minute, he was fine, and the next, he looked like he was about ready to explode.    

Maybe it's just my conscience coming back to bite me in the ass.  I really like Charlie, but I'd be lying through my teeth, if I said I didn't have feelings for Justin.     

But, over the last couple months, I've come to realize that it's just not going to work. Maybe we're just too different, or it's just not meant to happen. Either way, I think we both need to go on with our lives, and try to rebuild our friendship.    

I know, it may be too soon for me to be dating, but it just kind of happened. Charlie is just so sweet, and I think there's a possibility that we could have something really great.    

Maybe I should have waited until Justin's tour started, before I got involved with anyone, but how long can I put my life on hold, for him? How long am I supposed to wait, for him to grow up?        

Granted, he does seem to be slowly improving, and last night he was so completely honest with me...but what if it's an act? How do I know it's not just Justin, trying to get his way?    

You know what...I'm done thinking about this stuff for today. I can feel a migraine building up, and that is the last thing I need.    

I'm going to throw myself into this maid of honor thing, and just enjoy this. It's not everyday that two of your best friends get married.    

"Alright...let me get a shower, and we'll get going, ok?"    

"Thank you! I'll be back in 20." Lauren virtually skips out of the room, and all I can do is laugh at her.    

I guess, if I'd been waiting for this day my entire life, I'd probably be just as excited as she is.     

I shower as quickly as possible and throw on a pair of jeans and a T-shirt. As promised, Lauren is at the door, twenty minutes later, and we head down to the lobby to meet the other bridesmaids, and our Mothers.    

I feel kind of weird about all of this. The other five bridesmaids, consist of Lauren's two sisters, Trace's cousin, Ashley, and two of Lauren's friends from high school, Jessica and Paige.    

They're all just as girly as Lauren, so I feel slightly out of place. They're all damn near jumping up and down at the thought of being pampered all day, and I just want to get it over with.    

"Don't worry sweetie...I'm not all that thrilled either." Lynn smiles, as she throws an arm around my shoulders.    

Even my own Mother, is right in the middle of the action, discussing eye shadow with Trace's mom.    

If I ever had to pick someone else to be my Mom, I'd definitely pick Lynn. I've always kind of seen her, as being incredibly strong. For over ten years, she raised Justin pretty much on her own. She put him in all of those auditions, got him on the Mickey Mouse Club, encouraged him when the group first started.    

It takes a lot of strength to face all of that on your own. Especially when you're sacrificing your entire life, for a kid like Justin, who was an absolute terror.  He was so spoiled and self centered as a child, and obviously...not much has changed.    

But, through it all...Lynn never worried. She never broke down. She put on a brave face, no matter how rough things got, and she just kept going.    

Who wouldn't want to be like that?    

"So, miss Ally...I hear the love life is on the upswing again." She smiles, but I'm a little nervous.    

I have trouble talking to my Mom about boyfriends, and dating, and Lynn is no different. And, when you consider that fact that her son falls into that category...it brings a whole new meaning to the word awkward.    

"Yeah, maybe." I shrug. Maybe, if I keep my answer vague, it won't be too weird, and she'll lose interest.    

"That's good." She nods and looks me dead in the eyes. "Believe me...I wanted you and Justin to work, probably more than anybody, but I know how he can be. But, at the end of the day...I just want to see all of you kids happy."     

I smile, and thank her, before we all climb into our cars to head to the nail salon.    

In a way, I feel like Justin and I let everyone down. They all had their hearts so set on the two of us taking this thing all the way, and it's like all anybody can say anymore, is how they wish it would have worked out.    

If they're disappointed, how the hell do they think I feel?     

I put everything into my relationship with Justin, and I've never done that with anyone. I've had a few relationships, that you'd call serious, but they didn't even compare to what I had with Justin.    

With him...I just wanted him around, all the time. When he wasn't here, I could barely function. He made me so insanely happy. I had my best friend, and boyfriend, rolled into one and it was amazing. Those first few months were just...perfect.     

I was so convinced that eventually, we'd take the same steps Lauren and Trace did, but the weirder Justin got, the harder it was to see that future. I thought it would pass. I figured he'd get it out of his system, and everything would go back to normal.     

When his schedule started to pick up, he just got worse.    

And, that damn proposal.    

That destroyed everything, as far as I'm concerned. And the worst part about it...if he'd done it at the right time, and for the right reasons...I would have said yes, with no hesitation.    

"What are you getting, Al?" Lauren asks suddenly.    

I really need to focus. I didn't even realize we were here, and I drove.     

"Oh...umm...french tips...squared off." I rattle off my usual choice of acrylic nails, and follow the short woman to her station. Lauren is seated at the station next to me, and I'm sure she's going to grill me about Justin or Charlie.    

Hell, knowing Laur..she'll probably ask about both of them.    

"So..." She smiles and looks over at me. "For your hair...I'm thinking we'll leave it down, and curl the ends a little, so it does that whole wavy thing. That always looks so good on you."    

"Whatever you say, bridezilla." I smirk as she sticks her tongue out at me.    

"I happen to think, I've been super nice, through all of this. Thank you very much."    

"Yeah, you have." I nod slowly.    

The guilt I've felt about how I've treated Lauren the last few months, is creeping back, and suddenly, I'm amazed I'm even here.    

If I was her, I probably would have been done with my sorry ass, a long time ago. I guess it just goes to show that Lauren is a much better person than I am.    

"I don't know how you didn't strangle me."        

She giggles and rolls her eyes. "Oh, I wanted to. Several times. But, I knew you were going through alot, and I didn't want to make it worse."    

"I'm really going to miss having you around all the time."    

"Don't even start with that." She says seriously, and shakes her head. "I don't want to think about moving until I absolutely have to."    

As much as she hates L.A, I know she's going to have a really hard time leaving. We've all been together practically our whole lives, and now, we'll be thousands of miles apart. It's going to be really hard on all of us.    

If I could do it, I'd probably pack up all my things, and hightail it to Tennessee with them.     

While Justin's on the road, I'm going to be in that big ass house alone, and I'm not looking forward to it, in the least.     

I've grown to love the constant chatter, the phone ringing off the hook, Trace's stupid jokes, Lauren's babbling, and Justin's...well...just Justin, in general. But that's a whole other story.    

I'm going to miss all three of them, like crazy. I honestly don't know how I'm going to stay sane in that house, without them.     

"Al...sometime this morning, can you run over to the church, and the reception hall, and make sure everything looks alright?"    

"Yeah, sure."    

I've got a funny feeling, my entire day is going to be spent running around like a crazy person. But, it's ok...Lauren deserves to have the best wedding in the world, and if running myself ragged, is what it takes...I'm perfectly ok with that.

***************************************    

I make my way over to the church around 11:30, and as soon as I step inside, I can feel my jaw immediately drop. It's absolutely gorgeous. It's exactly what Lauren wanted, and I won't be surprised of she actually cries, when she sees it.     

A long white sheet covers the floor of the aisle, with white and pale lavender rose petals scattered all over. Each pew has sheer lavender fabric draped over the ends, while a bouquet of orchids and lilies hold the fabric in place. There's several large vases at the front of the church, all filled with the same flowers, and I can't help but smile.    

It's actually kind of cool to know, that I helped make this possible. It stressed me out beyond belief, and at the time, I wished I would have said no, but seeing the finished product definitely makes it all worth it.    

"Pretty cool, huh?" I jump at the sound of that familiar voice, and quickly turn to face him.    

"What are you doing here?"    

"Checking up on everything for Trace..avoiding getting my hair cut." He shrugs and shoves his hands in his pockets. "What about you?"
    

"Kinda the same...minus the hair cut." I chuckle awkwardly. "You could definitely use one though."        

He sticks his tongue out at me and I can't help the laugh that escapes.  He really does need a haircut. It's just getting to this really weird stage, where it curls all over, and starts to poof out slightly. I've never been a big fan of it, but I don't really care for his head shaved, either.    

I'd have to say, he looks his best when it's just slightly grown out, and you can just barely make out the curls. That's normally how he keeps it, so I don't know why he's let it get this long. I'm sure it's driving him crazy.    

"Yeah, I'll go...some time today. I've got a few more things to do first. I'm actually about to head over to the hall...you been there yet?"    

"No, but I need to swing past there. If you want to skip it, I can call and let you know how it looks, so you can tell Trace."    

"Nah, it's cool. You wanna ride over there with me?" He asks as we make our way out of the church.    

"Yeah, sure." I shrug and follow him to the escalade.     

After last night, I was kind of expecting him to pout, and spend the day ignoring me. That's his customary routine, when he doesn't get his way. I guess maybe he is finally realizing what a pain in the ass he can be, and he's trying to change it.     

I'm definitely not complaining. If he's going to be normal today, everything will go much smoother.     

"So, Al..." He says, once we're finally on the road. He turns the radio down, and glances at me quickly. "We're still friends, right?"    

"Yes, Justin." I sigh and roll my eyes. "We're still friends." So much for normal Justin, I guess.    

"So we can be totally honest with each other, right?"    

"Justin...everything's fine. As long as you're ok with me and Charlie...we're good."    

"Alright. Just making sure." He smiles. "Any possibility, you'd ever come back, and be my PA?"    

"That's not really up to me." I shrug. "I go pretty much wherever Johnny tells me to."    

"Yeah, but...let's say I asked you to come back. Would you?" He looks over at me, and begins to gnaw on his bottom lip.    

I don't know what he's getting at, or why he's even bringing this up. Johnny is working on finding him an assistant, probably one who's better qualified than I ever was. This doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Unless, he's just worried about having someone new around.    

Justin prefers to be surrounded by people he knows, and can trust. Really...you can't blame him. Anyone who works that closely with him, is going to see and hear things that the media would love to get their hands on. He has to know that the people around him, won't sell him out.    

I think that's why it worked so well when Lauren, Trace, and I were doing all of his bidding. He knew there was no way we'd ever betray him, no matter how much money someone threw at us.    

"Are you asking me to come back?"    

"Depends on your answer, I guess." He chuckles nervously.    

"I don't know, Justin. I really like working for Charlie. And, if I stick it out with him for awhile, I could really get somewhere, ya know?"    

"Yeah...that's cool. I was just trying to make it easier."
    

"Make what easier?"
    

"Oh...uhh...nothing. We're here." He shuts off the ignition, and quickly climbs out of the truck.    

What the hell? Did he take crazy pills today, or something? None of that conversation made any damn sense.    

Unless...he knows something I don't.    

I hadn't even really thought about it until now, but...what if Johnny found out about me and Charlie? What if I'm about to get fired, and Justin's trying to stop it?    

Damnit. I knew I should have told Johnny right away.    

I was smart with Justin. I went straight to Johnny, and handed in my resignation.  But, this time around, I wasn't ready to give up my job so easily. I really love what I'm doing, and I can't see a relationship interfering with how Charlie and I work together.    

With Justin...I know it would have.    

He would have used the fact that I was his PA, and girlfriend, to his advantage. He'd have me cancel interviews, or get distracted by the fact that I was around all the time. It would have been a nightmare.    

Maybe I'll talk to Johnny tonight. Just, tell him the truth and suffer the consequences...whatever they may be.    

"Fuck...Ally...this is bad." Justin mutters as we enter the hall.    

All of the decorations Lauren had dropped off yesterday, are still in their boxes, stacked in the corner. Not a single table is covered, and the DJ is just setting up his table.    

"Hey man...is there anybody else here?"    

The DJ looks at us strangely, and shakes his head. "Just me, bro."    

"Thanks." Justin turns back to me, and frowns. "You wanna call Laur?"    

"Are you kidding? She'll freak."    

"Trace?"
    

"No." I groan and roll my eyes. Then, it dawns on me.    

How hard can putting this stuff up, really be? Throw out the tablecloths, set up the centerpieces, drape the fabric on some stuff...it's nothing, right?    

"We'll do it." I say, and make my way over to the boxes.    

"Yeah, Al. Cause we know what the fuck we're doing." Justin rolls his eyes and makes a face at me. "I'll call Trace. He can bitch somebody out, and they can come do it."    

"Justin...I planned half of this damn wedding, in case you forgot. I know what Lauren wants. It won't take that long. Quit bitching, and help me."    

"Fine...but if Lauren throws a shit fit, I wasn't here."    

"Great attitude, Justin." I roll my eyes and start sifting through the boxes.    

He mumbles something that sounds like, "Kiss my ass", but I'm going to ignore it.  I'm in a good mood, and he's not going to ruin it.     

"What the hell do I do with this?" He holds up several pieces of fabric and looks at them, like they just burned his hands.     

"Just put these on the tables." I shove the bags of tablecloths in his hands, and grab the fabric.     

I'm not quite sure what to do with this shit either, but I'm not about to let him know that. I guess I could figure out a way to twist them together, and use them on the tables, or find a way to hang them on the walls.    

Maybe this decorating thing isn't going to be as easy as I thought.    

"Remember, back in the day when me and Trace used to use stuff like this as a cape, and jump out of our tree house?" I look over at Justin, and giggle. He's taken one of the tablecloths and tied it around his neck, making a perfect cape.     

"Yeah. I knew then, that you were both retarded." I smirk as he flips me off.    

This is what I miss the most. I miss being able to joke around with him. I miss how relaxed he used to be, around me. All of the things that I miss, are the reasons I fell in love with him.    

I just wish the rest of the world could see this side of him. The side that doesn't stress about money, or album sales, or what his fans think. People may love the cocky, womanizing pop star Justin...but I prefer laid back, goofy Justin. Always have.    

"Oh hell yes!" He shouts suddenly.     

The DJ has been testing his equipment for the last 45 minutes or so, and for the most part, I've ignored it. Justin, however, has been singing along to almost every single song.  And now...there's no hope of getting him to stop.    

"I'm so in love with you...whatever you want to do...it's alright with me...cause you, make me feel, so brand new...I want to spend my life with you..."    

Even when we were kids, he had this strange obsession with Al Green. He would spend hours, holed up in his room, belting out the words to every Al Green song. He knew he was honing his craft. We all just thought he was nuts.    

"Baby, let's...let's stay together...loving you whether, whether times are good, or bad, happy or sad..."    

He grabs me by the hips, and forces me to move to the music with him, while he sings along.     

He really doesn't get enough credit for his voice. It's so smooth and clear, but when he goes into his lower register, it takes on this raspy quality that is undeniably sexy.    

He started out a safe distance away, but with each move, he slides closer to me, and before I know it, he's pressed against me, his hands guiding my hips to the music.  I would love to know, who taught him all of his little tricks to get women eating out of the palm of his hand. There's just no way he's this naturally charming.    

"Ya know...I'm probably gonna kiss you." He smirks.    

My brain is telling me to push him away, and get back to work, but my body seems to have it's own agenda. I can deny, and fight it all I want...but I love him. It doesn't matter if I'm dating someone else, or if the stupid things he does, drive me crazy...I love him, and I doubt that's ever going to change.    

I don't know why I'm being so stubborn about this. It would be so easy, to just blow Charlie off, and be with Justin. I just...the timing isn't right. I think we both need to do some growing up before we can be together again.    

"I don't think that's a good idea."    

"Why not?" He's so close now, I can feel his breath on my face, and every last bit of my willpower is fading.     

Screw it...I don't care. I don't care if this makes things weird. I don't care if he's still incredibly immature. I don't care that the DJ is just a few feet away. I wouldn't even care if Charlie, or Johnny walked in here, and caught us.     

My lips crash against his, and I can't even think straight anymore. The only thing I can focus on is him, and the way it feels to have him kiss me again.     

My phone starts to ring loudly, and I quickly pull away from Justin, and dig it out of my pocket. I glance at the caller ID, and roll my eyes.    

It fucking figures.    

I swear, someone is seriously out to get me. I flip it open, and muster up the least guilty voice I can manage.    

"Hey, Charlie." Justin rolls his eyes, and walks away to finish laying out the centerpieces, that damn tablecloth still tied around his neck.    

"Hey, I just wanted to get our plans straight for tonight."    

"Oh...umm...well, I have to be at the church at four, and the ceremony starts at six."    

"Alrighty. I'll see you around six, then."    

"Ok...can't wait."    

"Later, Al." I snap the phone shut, and shove it back in my pocket.    

Justin has his back to me, but I'm sure he's not happy. I can just see the frown on his face.     

I know, I've got myself in a really stupid situation, but in my defense, I have no commitment to either of them. I'm not saying that makes it right, but I'm not some cheating slut.    

I need to sit down, and figure out exactly what I want, but it's going to have to wait. This wedding, is much more important.

*****************************    

I glare at my reflection for the millionth time, and scrutinize everything, from the way my hair is laying, to the height of my stilettos.         

My feet already ache, and I can hardly breathe in this dress...but I look fucking fantastic. I swear, I'm not trying to sound cocky. In fact, I rarely pay attention to my appearance, unless I'm out somewhere for work, but I'm really impressed with myself right now.    

My hair is curled at the ends a little, and laying in long waves, just like Lauren wanted. The woman at the salon decided that wasn't enough though. I'm not quite sure what she did, but it involved enough mousse and hairspray to completely destroy the ozone layer. However, it's worth it. It's given my hair a little extra volume. I was a little skeptical at first, but I absolutely love it.     

Leighanne did my make-up, beautifully. Somehow, she found eye shadow, the exact same shade as the bridesmaids dresses. She applied a heavy coat of the lavender, then used a silvery shade over top of it, giving my eyes this really cool shimmery effect.     

I, of course, had to pack on a fair amount of black eye liner, which is usually the only make-up I wear. Leigh wasn't too pleased, but it made me feel atleast semi-normal.    

Then....there's the dress.

Even though I went through absolute hell with this thing, it's kind of grown on me. It's the same pale shade of lavender, Lauren picked out all those months ago, but mine is just a little different than everyone else's. Apparently being maid of honor, means you get a special dress. Go figure.    

The other bridesmaids all have rounded scoop neck, sleeveless dresses, while mine is a halter, with a thin black sash tied around my waist.     

It really is a gorgeous dress, but with it being thin silk, it's a little on the chilly side, but I'll survive. What the bride wants, the bride gets.     

"Well...what'da ya think?" Lauren smiles shyly as she enters the room. I turn to face her, and I almost can't believe what I'm seeing.     

It sounds cheesy, but words can't even describe how amazing my best friend looks right now.     

Her hair is pulled back into a neat bun, and her make-up is fairly simple. Lauren has always gone for that kind of natural look, and Leighanne nailed it right on the head today. Her dress is practically snow white, and strapless, with a bell skirt and ridiculously long train.    

I can feel tears starting to form, and I have to shake my head a few times. I am so not the sentimental, or emotional type...but I can already tell, the water works will be in full effect today.    

"Lauren....wow."     

"Don't you dare start crying...if you ruin your make-up, I'm kicking your ass." She grins and wraps me in a tight hug. "God...can you believe this?"    

"No...I mean...I just...it's so weird."
    

"Tell me about it." She giggles and plops down in a chair. "We've got about ten minutes or so....can you go check on him?"
    

"Of course." I grin and step out of the room.    

I head down the small hallway, and stop in front of the room the boys are in. I knock softly, then open the door, biting back a laugh at the sight in front of me.    

Justin and Trace are seated indian style on the floor across from each other, a bottle of Jack in between them. They each have a shot glass in hand, and the only thing I can think, is that Lauren would murder them if she knew they were drinking before the ceremony.    

"Shit, Ally...close the fucking door!" Trace whispers harshly and rolls his eyes. "Damn women."    

I arch an eyebrow at him, before easing into a chair. "What the hell are you two doing?"    

"I'm trying to calm his stupid, short ass down...he's been wigging out since we got here." Justin giggles.     

"If you were about to sign your life away to some damn woman, you'd be freaking the fuck out too!"        

"Just take the shot already...stop acting like a girl." Justin rolls his eyes and raises the glass to his lips. "On three..."    

"How much time do I have?" Trace asks suddenly.     

"About five minutes."     

"Shit..." He rolls his eyes, takes a deep breath, and downs the shot quickly. He and Justin both make disgusted faces, before erupting into a fit of giggles.     

"Alright...if you two are finished..." I stand up and head for the door. They help each other up, and are right on my heels.     

"Well...this is it." Trace smiles nervously. He and Justin do some awkward, male bonding, hand shake/hug thing, then Trace turns to me.     

"Good luck, midget." I grin and give him a quick hug. He takes another deep breath, then heads into the church, his hands shaking all the way.     

Justin and I watch him silently, then the other groomsmen and bridesmaids filter into the hallway. Lauren steps out of her room, followed by her Mother and Father. Her Mom straightens her veil, kisses her on the cheek, then hurries into the church. Her dad links his arm with hers, and we all form the line, we'd practiced during the rehearsal dinner.     

Justin looks over at me, and smiles excitedly, and all I can do is giggle. As we make that trip up the aisle, suddenly...all of our memories are flooding my mind.    

The time Trace fell off the monkey bars at school, and broke his arm. When Lauren and I, attempted to dye her platinum blonde hair, red, and it turned orange. The day Justin left to join the group. The night I flew half way across the country to see him, when he caught Britney cheating. Lauren and Trace's engagement party. The night Justin and I got together.    

The last 25 years, are racing through my mind, but there's one constant there...the four of us, together.    

As we reach the alter, Justin moves to stand beside Trace, and I go to Lauren's side. I go through the motions during the ceremony, but the only thing I can concentrate on, is him. The way he looks at Trace, and smiles so proudly. How he'll glance at me, every few minutes.    

I can't help but giggle, when the preacher asks for the rings, and Justin has to fish around in the pocket of his tux, for Lauren's ring. The entire church settles into a quiet laughter, and Justin's face is getting redder by the second. He finally produces the ring, and smiles sheepishly. Could he be any more adorable?    

Why am I putting myself through this? By not being with him, I'm just hurting myself. My pride is getting in the way, of the one thing I want the most, and it's so stupid.     

I just...I want him, and only him.     

But, how am I supposed to just walk away from a man, who's been nothing but sweet to me? I can't ignore the fact that I do have feelings for Charlie, but...he just...he isn't Justin.      

"Ladies and gentlemen...I present to you, Mr. and Mrs. Trace Ayala." The preacher smiles at the two of them, as they make their way down the aisle, hand in hand.    

I glance over at Justin, and suddenly...all I feel is regret. Maybe...maybe, I should have said yes when he proposed.        

His eyes lock with mine, and I know exactly what I need to do. I need to stop being stubborn and proud and just...I need to wake up, because if I don't...someone better for him, could come along, and I'll just be a memory.    

For the first time in my life...I have two amazing men around, and I haven't got a clue what the hell to do about either of them.

"I Still"-Backstreet Boys

"Let's Stay Together"-Al Green