I cheated myself,
Like I knew I would,
I told you I was trouble,
You know that I'm no good        

Nerves are a funny thing.    

I've done millions of nerve wracking things in my life, but I was always able to keep my cool. It never really mattered what I was doing because I'm Justin Timberlake, and everything I do, is flawless.    

However, knowing that in a few hours, I'll be filming a live special has sent my nerves into overdrive.     

It's stupid really. I've performed on live television thousands of times, but for some reason this is hitting me really hard.    

Maybe because my girlfriend has been M.I.A most of the last week and a half. I've had a camera crew up my ass constantly, and Ally wanted no part of that. So, I've spent most of my spare time alone, or with the crew and dancers. Unfortunately, that includes Darcy as well.    

She's been getting a little more aggressive the last few months, and it's kind of confusing me. There isn't a single person on this tour who doesn't know that I'm a happily taken man, but it's like the girl just doesn't give a shit.    

A couple weeks ago, she had me trying on new suits and I swear to God, she tried to cop a feel. Atleast, I think she did. I'm not exactly sure.    

I know, I could fire her and be done with it, but I've kind of been getting to know her and outside of her attempts at flirting, she really isn't so bad. If she'd cut that shit out, she'd be a pretty cool chick to have around.    

She's a huge movie buff, so it's cool for me to have someone to talk movies with. Especially since Ally has pretty shitty taste in music and movies.     

Plus, Darcy is pretty damn funny. I mean, she's not Ally funny or anything, but she's good for a few laughs.     

Part of me thinks that maybe I'm just reading too far into her actions. Maybe my arrogance is leading me to see things that aren't really there. For all I know, the girl has no interest in me, and just wants to hang out.    

I mean, yeah...she calls me a lot, but it's almost always about work. She's still learning the ropes and she just wants to do a good job. If you think about it, it makes sense that she'd need to call me.    

I could be wrong, but ya never know.    

Ally's been really great about the whole thing. She's always polite to Darcy, and never hassles me about the constant phone calls or surprise visits.     

Honestly, she acts the way I should have, when she was working for Charlie. Looking back on it, I know I was an asshole, but in my defense...I ended up being right. Sometimes, being a dick pays off.    

I think that's been my biggest issue with filming this documentary thing to go along with the live special. It's kind of forced Ally into spending more time with Charlie. I know, she's had to do it to get the job done, but I still don't like it.    

I tried to convince Johnny to give me complete control of the production for this thing, but he pretty much laughed in my face and told me to stick to my day job.    

In a way, I know he's right. I don't need to take on any extra work, but I'd have done just about anything if it meant getting Charlie off of this tour.    

Luckily, we've only got about a months worth of shows left, before the US leg is over. Then, I'll be off for a couple months before we start the overseas dates.     

I'll be glad to have the time off, but I wish it would have come a little sooner. Lauren is due any day now, and Ally and I are going to completely miss all of the baby craziness. Ally won't admit it, but I know she's pretty bummed about it. She really wanted to be there with Lauren, but life kind of got in the way.    

I spot her and Charlie browsing through several sheets of paper, and I head in their direction.    

I'm really not going to miss his stupid ass. I still say there's something off about him, but whatever. In a few days, he'll be gone and hopefully I won't have to deal with him anymore.    

"Hey." Ally grins and kisses me quickly before returning her attention to the paperwork in front of her. Charlie pauses to roll his eyes, then continues to ramble about camera set ups.    

I know it's kind of dick, but I have thoroughly enjoyed being able to shove mine and Ally's relationship in his face. I guess it's kind of my way of getting back at him for not leaving.    

Originally, he was supposed to be here for three weeks to oversee all of the production stuff. That three weeks has since turned into three and a half months. Apparently there was a lot more to this HBO deal than we first thought.     

Although, I still say Ally could have handled it on her own. I don't mean to brag or anything, but my girlfriend is pretty damn smart. I have no doubt that she could have organized everything by herself.    

She'd probably slap me if she ever heard me say it, but sometimes I kind of feel like I'm holding her back.     

Since the day she graduated high school, every aspect of her life has been devoted to me. I mean, I knew she wanted out of Memphis and at the time, I thought I was helping her...but now I'm not so sure.    

I know she doesn't want to move back home, even if she won't admit it. She's doing it to make me happy and that's not fair to her.    

I should probably talk to her about it, but she's been so busy with changing my schedule and adjusting dates, I just haven't had the heart to throw my bullshit at her.    

"Shit...I've got a meeting with Tim from HBO in five minutes...Al, can you...?" Charlie asks as he passes all of the paperwork to her.    

"I'll take care of it." She nods with a smile as he hurries down the hallway.    

"What is all that crap?"    

"Johnny and HBO have agreed to put out a DVD for this show, this is release statements from the dancers and the crew, plus some of the contracts from HBO."    

"Fun." I nod disinterestedly. "Wanna grab lunch?"    

"Charlie and I already ate...I've got to get this stuff faxed out...I really don't have time." She frowns.     

This is what I've been dealing with for the last two weeks. Charlie dumps all of his shit off on Ally, and I get no time with my girlfriend.    

I really cannot wait for this idiot to leave.     

"Ok...dinner later?"    

"You've got the after party tonight."    

"You atleast coming to the show?"        

"I seriously doubt it." She sighs in frustration. "I've got a million things to do, and not much time to do them, Justin."    

I quickly grab the papers from her hands and lay them on the small table, before placing my hands on her hips and backing her up against the wall.    

"Justin, come on...I really don't have time fo-"    

I cut her off with my lips and right away, I feel her relax against me.    

This is just one more thing I can't stand about her working with Charlie. He stresses her out beyond belief and she practically runs herself into the ground. I mean, it's not completely his fault since she's kind of a workaholic to begin with, but he doesn't make it any easier.    

I pull away from her to catch my breath and she smiles up at me. "How do you do that?"    

"Do what?" I ask as I untuck her shirt and slide my hands up her back.    

"Be all amazing and make me forget what the hell I'm doing."    

"I just know what buttons to push. Always have, Ally Lynn." She rolls her eyes and slaps me playfully, the smile never leaving her face. "I love you, Al." I say quietly and pull her into a tight hug.    

It sounds corny, but I have missed her so much these last several weeks, even though she was never very far away. I know I'm probably a little too clingy and needy, but I just hate not having her with me all the time.        

I know it's selfish, but I think that's why I'm afraid to bring up our decision to move back home. I mean, what if I say something and she decides she wants to stay in L.A?    

There's really no turning back now. The house is officially mine, and my Momma is furnishing it as we speak.     

If she decides to stay in California, I'll have to go back to Memphis alone, and I'm not so sure I could handle that. I don't know why, but lately I've been realizing a lot of things about our relationship, and once again...I'm questioning how this is going to work out in the long run.    

I know, I know, I know...I swore I'd focus on the present, but things are pretty stagnant right now, so I think we need to start putting some thought into our future.     

As much as I hate to say it, if she changes her mind about this move...I'm not so sure we'll have a future together.     

"I love you too...but, I've got work to do." She groans before wiggling out of my arms and tucking her shirt back into the waistband of her dress pants.     

I can feel the pout forming on my face, and I'm trying really hard to keep my mouth shut. I don't want to start a fight, but I'm beginning to feel pretty neglected.     

"I know this sucks Justin...but I can't help it." She smiles sadly and shakes her head. "Tell you what...don't drink too much at the party tonight, and when you get back...I'll make it up to you."    

"What's that supposed to mean?"    

"Justin, I think you know what it means." She smirks before grabbing her paperwork and strutting down the hallway.    

I don't know how she does it, but she always manages to leave me completely speechless.

****************************************        

I walk into the club with the band, dancers and most of the crew on my heels. As soon as we step inside, you can almost feel the excitement in our group.     

The show tonight was fantastic, and I'm beyond proud of everybody. They've all thrown themselves into these shows and have made this the best damn tour I've ever done. I honestly couldn't be happier with the way everything's been turning out.    

The only thing that could top the way I feel right now would be having Ally, Trace and Lauren here to celebrate with me.    

We make our way into the VIP section, and right away the drinks start flowing. There's a few folks from HBO and the label here, but tonight is all about me and the people who have been busting their asses to make me look good on stage every night.    

Darcy sits down next to me and smiles brightly. "Tonight was unbelievable. Absolute best show I've ever seen."    

"Thanks." I smile before taking a sip of my drink.    

"So...no girlfriend tonight, huh?"    

"Nah...she had a lot of stuff to do today, so she was pretty worn out. I should probably call her though."    

I reach for my phone and Darcy lets out a loud sigh. "I know it's not my place to say this...but she's kind of uptight. I mean, she never comes out with us, and she's always running around like crazy, complaining about how much work she has to do."    

I nod slowly and shrug. "That's just Ally. Touring kind of fries her brain a little bit."    

Darcy giggles softly and shakes her head. "I don't know, Jus...it's just weird. It's like, she never has time for you when she's working, but she's got plenty of time for that Charlie guy. But hey...you know her better than I do." She shrugs and downs the rest of her drink.    

I'm not gonna lie, I'm pretty pissed that she thinks she can just start criticizing Ally. Number one, she knows nothing about her. Ally has done two tours with me now, and I know how she gets.    

I also know what her work load is like, and yeah...she doesn't get much free time. I don't necessarily like it, but I accept it. It's not like I've got hours to spare either.    

Touring takes a toll on everybody. Some people can handle it, some can't. Ally's kind of in the middle. She likes things to be simple and unfortunately, touring isn't.    

Sure, she freaks out once in awhile, but I know that's just the stress and exhaustion getting to her. I know who Ally is, inside and out. Nobody is going to change my mind about her, no matter what they say or do.    

I mean, ok...maybe to an outsider, she might seem kind of bitchy and uptight sometimes, but I know the truth and that's all that matters.     

I know she's only spending so much time with Charlie because she has to. If it was up to her, I'm sure she'd be right here with me.    

I quickly dial her number and head into the bathroom to escape the noise. After four or five rings, a voice comes over the line, but it isn't Ally's.    

"Uhh...hello?"

"Justin...hey. It's Charlie...Ally's in the bathroom. You want me to take a message?"    

"I'll call back." I snap the phone shut, and glare at it.    

It's damn near one a.m. What the hell is he doing in my hotel room, with my girlfriend? There's no fucking way they're still working this late.    

I wait ten minutes or so before dialing her number again, and this time it goes straight to her voicemail. What the fuck man?    

Normally...I would get jealous and start freaking out, but I'm going to have to trust her, no matter how badly I want to run my ass back to the hotel and see what's going on. I don't like the idea of her alone with that jackass this late, but I have to trust her.    

If I can't do that, there's no way we can keep our relationship going.    

I make my way back to the table and grab the first drink I see. I can do this. I can stay here and keep my cool.     

Ally loves me. I love her, and I trust her.    

I finish my drink quicker than expected and grab another. Each sip seems to calm me down, and I know it won't be long before images of Ally and Charlie doing God knows what, stop running through my mind.    

I can do this. I'm just overreacting.     

Honestly, what's the worst that could happen? 

************************************************    

I'd like to go on record and say that tonight has been one of the best nights of my life. From the show to the after party, I've been having a blast all night. Sometimes, I really love being me.    

I stumble into the hotel lobby and hook my arm through Darcy's for support. The more I'm around her, the more I realize that she's pretty fucking cool. I don't care what anyone says..I'm glad she's here.    

I mean, I know Ally would be all mad and shit if she heard me say that, but she's gonna have to get over it. Darcy is doing a really good job so far, and I think she'll be sticking around for awhile. Granted, she isn't Lauren, but it's close enough for me.    

We get on the elevator and it feels like hours before we reach the 15th floor. I really can't wait to get into bed. I'm tired, a little drunk and just...blah. Today's been amazing, but it's also been incredibly exhausting.     

We finally reach our floor and head down the long, dimly lit hallway, stopping in front of Darcy's room first. Before she reaches for the handle, she turns to me and grins.    

"You can come in if you want."    

"Nah, it's cool. I need to get some sleep."    

Does she think I'm an idiot? I know damn good and well what could happen if I went in her room, and I am so not setting myself up like that. There is an amazing, drop dead gorgeous woman waiting for me down the hall, and I'm not about to fuck that up.        

Once I calmed down earlier, I really got to thinking and it finally hit me that I've blown this whole Charlie thing way out of proportion.    

Ally isn't big on giving out second chances. In fact, I think I'm the only person whose ever gotten one from her. Charlie already screwed up once, and I know that no matter what he tries to pull, Ally won't fall for it. She's closed that chapter and I guarantee that once he hops on that plane in a couple days, he won't even be an afterthought for her.    

"Well, that's too bad." She pouts for a second, before breaking into a wide grin. "I had a really good time tonight."    

"Yeah...I think we all did." I chuckle and roll my eyes. "Anyway...I better get to bed. I'll see you in the morning." I turn to make my way down the hallway, but stop when Darcy calls out to me.    

"Justin...wait."        

"Yeah?" I turn back around to face her and smile awkwardly.     

Hopefully, this won't take much longer. It's almost six in the morning and I'm about ready to drop where I stand.    

"I umm...God...I know I have the worst timing with this, but I just...I really like you, Justin. Really, really like you, and I know you're with Ally but I just really needed to get that off my chest."    

Shit.    

Damnit, how did I not see this coming? The girl is up my ass constantly, always flirting with me, finding any excuse to touch me. I should have known.    

I guess, maybe I just wanted to be wrong. I wanted to believe that she was just trying to make some friends. Why am I such a God damned idiot?    

"Look, Darcy...I'm flattered, really I am. You're an awesome girl, but I..." She cuts me of as her lips crash against mine, and suddenly..I can't even breathe.    

She presses her body to mine and that familiar strain is quickly building in the pit of my stomach. Before I know it, my hands are up the front of her shirt and I feel her smile against my mouth.     

In my head, I know just how wrong this is, and I swear...I'm trying to stop but my body doesn't seem to want to listen. Darcy quickly unbuckles my belt and before I can stop her, she wraps her fingers around my dick and starts to pump slowly.    

What the fuck am I doing? Have I lost my damn mind?     

I can't do this.    

I jerk away from her and pull her hand out of my pants before taking a few steps away from her.    

"Oh God...Justin, I'm so sorry. I don't know what the hell I was thinking."    

"Darcy...this did not happen. Do you understand me?" She nods slowly and I can clearly see the tears welling up in her eyes.    

Without another word, I turn and practically run down the hallway to my own room. It's pitch black inside, and I can safely assume that Ally is sound asleep.    

I strip down to my boxers and slide into bed next to her. She stirs a little, and when she smiles up at me, I feel this intense need to be with her. I need to prove that I love her, and try to erase what just happened from my mind.     

"How was the party?" She asks sleepily and curls up next to my side.    

"It was alright."    

"That's good. I thought about coming down but after Charlie left, I was so wiped out."    

"It's fine." I mutter and slowly crawl on top of her.     

"Jus...it's late. Like, really late." She sighs as I place a few kisses along her jaw line.    

"Please Ally...just...please?" She nods and quickly pulls my shirt over my head, then places her lips on mine.    

What if she knows...I mean...what if there's some way she can tell?    

Before I know it, she's looking up at me, a small encouraging smile on her face. I can't take that look right now. It's the look that says how much I mean to her, how much she loves and trusts me.    

I don't deserve to have her look at me like that anymore.    

I slide inside of her slowly and she lets out a low moan as she bites down on my shoulder.    

I'm completely disgusted with myself right now. How could I do the one thing I swore I'd never do again? I mean, I didn't instigate it...but I wasn't stopping it either, and I have no idea why.    

Who in their right mind, would go for Darcy rather than Ally? It's like choosing a fucking Big Mac, when you could have filet mignon.     

I am a pathetic excuse of a man.     

"Justin...I'm so close." She says quietly and wraps her legs around my waist, plunging me deeper inside of her.    

I can feel her tightening all around me and it's just a matter of seconds before she's crying out my name. I collapse on top of her, and bury my face in her neck, trying to catch my breath.    

"I love you, Justin." She says softly.    

A wave of guilt washes over me, and I can't even bring myself to say it back. How could I possibly tell her I love her when I've done the unthinkable?    

I'm a pathetic fucking hypocrite.    

I've spent so much time worrying about her and Charlie. I've been thinking the worst of her when I should have been taking a good hard look at myself.     

I haven't changed one bit. I'm still the same lying, cheating, no good bastard I've always been, and now...I'm going to pay dearly for it.    

What the hell have I done?

"You Know I'm No Good"-Amy Winehouse