How the hell did we wind up like this?
Why weren't we able, to see the signs that we missed
And try to turn the tables
Now the story's played out like this
Just like a paperback novel
Let's rewrite an ending that fits
Instead of a Hollywood horror
      

I never thought I'd say this...but I'm beginning to really hate myself.    

Being at the hospital yesterday and seeing the baby, made everything I'm feeling that much clearer. My heart broke watching Ally hold Noah.    

In a way, it was amazing to see her with him, to see that motherly instinct kick in. Once she got used to holding him, it was like she just lit up and she couldn't stop smiling. For a split second, I had visions of her holding our own baby.    

Then, I remembered what I did, and I realized....I'm never going to actually see that.    

When she finds out what happened,  I can kiss that future goodbye. She's never going to forgive me, and I have no one to blame but myself. I know I need to tell her, but I just...I just can't. How can I possibly look her in the eyes and tell her that basically, I cheated on her.    

I mean, I know it didn't really go anywhere, but it went much, much farther than it ever should have. Honestly, if I hadn't stopped Darcy when I did, there's really no telling what I could have done, and that fact alone makes me sick to my stomach. I can't stand not being able to trust myself.    

I guess, I was just so caught up in worrying about what Ally was doing with Charlie. I let my imagination get the best of me, and it screwed me in the end. I know, by not telling Ally right away, I'm just screwing myself even more. The longer I wait, the more it's going to sting.    

"Hello....I'm talking here." Trace snaps his fingers in my face and rolls his eyes. "What the hell is your deal today man?"    

"What? I was listening."    

"Right." He laughs and shakes his head. "Anyway..Ally's got the trip planned for the second week after the tour is over. I tried to convince Laur to let her parents take Noah for the week, but she's doing this obsessive mom thing, so she'll probably take him with us."    

"What's it like?" I ask suddenly, completely ignoring everything he just said.    

I just...I need to know how it feels. I have to know what it's like to watch the woman you love, give birth to your child, especially since I'll never get to experience it.    

"What's what like?"    

"Ya know...the whole baby thing. What's it like?"    

"Fuck Justin...I don't know. It hasn't even been two days." He rolls his eyes. "Are you alright man?"    

I take a deep breath and shake my head. Tears are quickly forming in my eyes and as much as I don't want to, I've gotta tell somebody. If I keep this in any longer, the guilt is going to eat me alive. Maybe...maybe if I tell Trace and get it out in the open, telling Ally will be a hell of a lot easier.    

"I...I did something...something really fucking stupid."    

"Alright...I'll alert the media." He laughs and rolls his eyes again. "Quit being a drama queen, just spill it already. It can't be that bad."    

"Oh it's bad." I laugh bitterly and try to fight those damn tears that insist on running down my cheeks. "It's really bad."    

"Shit man...what happened?" Trace leans forward in his seat, all joking pushed aside.    

"You know Darcy, right?"

"Yeah...cute blonde, huge tits?"    

"Right." I roll my eyes at his description and sigh. "She's...she's kind of been after me for awhile. She's always calling me and shit...showing up at these random times."    

"Justin...you didn't....did you?"    

"Not exactly." I mutter and rest my head in my hands.    

I don't even want to say it out loud. Saying it makes it that much more real. I just want to forget it...put it behind me and move on, but I can't do that. Ally deserves the truth and I'm not going to be that guy again. I'm not going to sneak around and keep secrets. I'm going to do the right thing, even if I end up alone.    

"What the fuck did you do?" Trace raises his voice slightly and I can tell he's seconds away from knocking me the fuck out.    

I don't blame him. If he came to me and said he cheated on Lauren, I'd probably kill him.    

"It happened so damn fast, ya know? Ally was alone, in the middle of the night with fucking Charlie, and I freaked out. I started drinking, and Darcy...she kissed me, and I didn't try to stop her, out of fucking nowhere, she shoves her hands down my pants and I just...I fucked up."        

Trace hangs his head and lets out a long sigh. He's silent for several minutes before he finally looks over at me, a deep frown set on his face.    

This is how my life's gonna end. My best friend is going to fucking kill me. Trust me..you'll see it all over television tomorrow.    

Justin Timberlake: Murdered for being a no good, cheating piece of shit.     

Mark my words folks, Trace is going to kill me, and he's well within his rights to do so.    

"Does Ally know?"     

He's almost eerily calm, and I don't even know what the hell to think. This isn't the reaction I was expecting. I figured he'd yell, scream, maybe take a few swings at me. Looks like I was wrong.    

"No."    

He opens his mouth to speak, but shakes his head when the right words won't come. The disappointment on his face is clear as day, and I've got a funny feeling I'll be seeing that look quite a bit from now on.    

"I don't even know what to say to you right now. I tried so damn hard to show you that you were all wrong about Charlie, but you had your mind made up and you just wouldn't let it go."    

"Spare me the speech, alright? I know I fucked up and I know I need to tell her."    

"You're damn right you need to tell her, and you better do it soon. I can't cover your ass this time, J. This is above and beyond the dumbest thing you could have ever done. I mean seriously...of all the women in the world to fuck around on, why her? I've seen some of the bitches you've been with...the ones you let walk all over you, and Ally's the one you cheat on? Are you fucking crazy?"    

"You're saying that like I planned it."    

"I'm not saying you did." He sighs and shakes his head grimly. "You just...if she was up your ass so much, why didn't you get rid of her? You were asking for it man."    

I know he's right. I know I should have gotten rid of Darcy at the first sign of trouble, but I swear...I never thought it'd end up like this. I honestly believed that she just wanted to be friends.    

I know, I'm a moron.    

I've spent most of my adult life second guessing and questioning the motives of people who suddenly enter my life, but for some reason...I didn't do that with Darcy, even though I obviously should have.    

I guess hindsight really is 20-20. I can sit here thinking and analyzing this thing to death, but it won't change what happened. I can't take it back, no matter how badly I want to.    

All I can do is tell Ally the truth, and accept whatever she decides to do.

********************************    

"So, I'm thinking if we get separate rooms, taking Noah won't be a problem." Lauren looks up from the brochure in her hands and nods. "That way, he won't wake you guys up or anything."    

"It's really not a big deal. One room or two doesn't matter to me. Stop freaking out." Ally giggles and shakes her head.    

For the last two hours, she, Lauren and Trace have been planning this stupid trip to Hawaii. Originally, it was supposed to be a surprise for Lauren and I, but I kind of ruined that with my jealous, psychotic tendencies.    

Under normal circumstances, I'd be right there with them, looking at brochures and finding things to do while we're there, but I won't be going, so what's the point?    

I've decided that I'm going to tell her tonight, before we leave Memphis. That way, she won't have to worry about getting a flight when she dumps my sorry ass. I know most of her clothes and stuff are still on the bus, since she only packed the bare minimum for this little trip home.    

I'll probably have someone gather her things and ship them to her. I don't think I could stand to pack all of her stuff up myself. I've got the whole thing worked out, and hopefully my being prepared will lessen the blow a little bit.    

All things considered, I think I'm holding it together fairly well. Except of course, for the fact that I haven't been able to even utter the L word since it happened. Ally hasn't said anything, but I know she's noticed. That hurt, confused look on her face says it all.    I just...I feel like I don't deserve to love her anymore. I just can't bring myself to say those words, knowing that I'm going to break her heart.    

"What do you think?" Ally looks over at me and I shrug. I haven't really been paying attention, but I'm not about to tell her that.    

"Whatever you want to do is fine. Doesn't matter to me."    

Trace rolls his eyes at me and shakes his head sadly, before flipping through another resort magazine.    

He's been avoiding me since I told him what happened with Darcy, and I can't really blame him. If I was in his shoes, I don't think I could even stand to look at him, much less speak to him.    

But then again, Trace would never do this.    

Even though he was right there with me, through all of the partying and other bullshit, he did a complete turn around when he and Lauren got together. He barely even looked at other women. I guess, he knew exactly what he had, and he wasn't going to mess it up.    

Clearly, Trace is a far better man than I am.   

Maybe that's been the biggest problem with Ally and I. We've been trying so hard to compare ourselves to Lauren and Trace.    

I mean...it makes sense when you think about it. Lauren and Trace have the perfect relationship. They tell each other every damn thing, they're in love with each other to the point of being sickening and now...they've got the American dream right at their feet. They have what every person in the world wants.    

Maybe we've just been trying way too hard to get all of those same things. Maybe we never put enough thought into getting together in the first place.     

The fact of the matter is, we aren't Lauren and Trace. We never will be.    

Maybe Ally and I are one of many things in this world, that just isn't meant to work out.

*******************************    

"What time is our flight?"
    

"Seven." Ally replies as she steps out of the bathroom, running a brush through her wet hair. "We're meeting the crew in Philadelphia, I think."     

She plops down on the edge of the bed and starts to rattle off my schedule for the upcoming weeks, but I can't focus on a single word she's saying. All I can think about is what's going to happen within the next few minutes.    

I don't want to do this.    

Part of me knows, I could keep my mouth shut, fire Darcy and put the whole thing behind me. Ally would never know. But, I couldn't do that. I don't think I could live with the guilt.    

No matter what, I do love her. I don't think there's anyone in the world who could love her as much as I do. I just can't seem to do it the right way. Maybe it is better if I just let her go, let her find someone who can treat her the way she deserves to be treated. I guarantee, he'd never feel the way I do about her, but he might be smart enough to realize what he's got, and not fuck it up just when things are getting good.    

The thing I can't understand is why this just won't work. We've known each other all of our lives, we've been best friends from day one and we honestly love each other. All the signs point to the fact that we should be together but for some reason...we just can't make it work. It absolutely breaks my heart, but I know I need to do this.    

I kneel down in front of her and rest my hands on her thighs. When I look up at her, I can't ignore the look of panic in her eyes. It's almost like she knows what's coming.    

"Ally...we need to talk."        

"Please tell me you aren't proposing again." She chuckles nervously.    

I know I'm scaring the hell out of her, but this needs to be serious. I can't joke or charm my way out of this.    

"No...nothing like that."    

She lets out a sigh of relief and smiles. "Are you alright? I know you said you were feeling better, but you look a little pale."    

"I'm fine." I nod slowly and swallow the lump in my throat. "I...I've got a lot of things to tell you and...before you say or do anything, I need you to just listen, ok?"    

"Justin, you're kind of freaking me out." That nervous laugh is back, but it dies the second my eyes lock with hers.    

She knows.    

She can hide it all she wants, but her eyes give her away. She knows.    

"First off...I love you. I know I don't tell you that half as much as I should, but I swear to god, Al...I love you. Sometimes...I think maybe I love you too much, ya know? The way I feel about you scares the hell out of me and you drive me crazy...but I love it. I love the fact that you call me on my bullshit and the way you know exactly what I'm thinking, but mostly...I love you because you love me."    

"Justin, you're not making sense. What the hell is wrong?"    

"I...I...I did something, Al. Something that I know you'll hate me for, and believe me, I'm never going to forgive myself for it." I take a deep breath and focus my eyes on the floor.    

I just can't look her in the eyes and say this. I can't watch her heart break again.    

"The night of the live special...I got fuckin hammered when we all went out. I couldn't hardly walk...I was a mess. I know that's no excuse, but it's the truth. Anyway...Darcy offered to help me get back to the hotel. She tried to invite me into her room, but all I could think about was you waiting for me, and I told her no. She...she told me that she liked me, and before I even really knew what was happening, she kissed me."    

"Oh Justin..." She frowns and already, the tears are forming in her eyes.    

I am so fucking pathetic. Why do I keep hurting this woman? I don't understand it.    

"She..umm...she stuck her hand down my pants too."    

"What?"

"Ally, I swear to god...I never meant for this to happen. I should have gotten rid of her right away, but I swear...I had no idea that anything like this would happen."    

"Get my phone." She says, almost too calmly.    

What the hell? Maybe...maybe she's just in shock, because this is not the reaction I expected. I planned on a lot of screaming, some crying, slamming doors...I expected an explosion. Instead, she's freakishly calm and I have no clue what the hell she's about to do.    

I hand her the phone and she quickly dials, glaring at me the entire time.    

"Johnny, it's Ally."    

Right away, she spills everything from Darcy's constant phone calls, to my infidelity. She's handling this ten times better than I expected, and there's really no telling what she's going to do to me when she gets off of that phone.    

After almost 20 minutes, she ends the call and tosses the phone onto the bed behind her.     

"She'll be gone before we get back." She says quietly.    

Before we get back? She's...she's actually going back with me?    

We're both silent for what feels like hours, and with each passing second, the knots in my stomach get tighter. I can't tell what she's thinking and it's starting to make me incredibly nervous. Her face is completely blank and I've got a funny feeling that, at any moment she's going to snap and probably murder me.    

I really wouldn't blame her.    

"I...I...God...I don't even know what to say."    

"Ally, I'm so sorry. You have to know that I never meant to hurt you."    

She nods slowly and goes quiet again for several minutes, before she speaks up.

"Do you realize we've been doing this for almost a year? And you know what...if you'd done this six months ago, I would have walked away and never looked back, but for some reason...I can't do that. I don't forgive you by any means and you better believe that I won't forget this anytime soon...but I want to work through it. I'm in way too deep to just give up, Justin. You can't be totally blamed for this. You were trying to be nice and it bit you in the ass. I know that you aren't perfect. You're human...you make mistakes. Unfortunately, you've just made a really huge one...and you're going to have to work really hard to prove to me, that this was just a mistake."     

She takes a deep breath and lets out a loud sigh. "We'll straighten this out, ok? We'll get through it."

****************************    

We make our way into the hotel quickly, ignoring the fans and photographers gathered around the doors. As soon as we step on the elevator, Ally pulls her hand out of mine and folds her arms over her chest.    

I guess I better get used to this sort of thing. She's hurt and angry and she has every right to be. There's no excuse for what I did. Honestly...I don't know why she's still here, but I'm thanking God for it every second. I fully expected her to walk out on me, but she's still here. I don't deserve her. I really truly don't. But, I'm going to do everything in my power to show her how much she means to me, and that she isn't wrong for giving me a second chance.    

The elevator comes to a halt once we reach the 9th floor and the doors open slowly. Ally lets out a low groan and I can feel my shoulders tense as soon as my eyes land on the person waiting for the elevator.    

Darcy is standing there, surrounded by members of my security team. Apparently Johnny isn't taking any chances in getting her the hell out of here.    

"Hi Justin." She smirks wickedly and I can't help but frown when Ally grabs my hand protectively.    

She was supposed to be gone before we got here. I can only assume that she put up a bit of a fight when she was fired, then escorted from the hotel. I give her a short nod as Ally and I step off the elevator and slip past them.    

"Justin...we'll be seeing each other soon." She calls after us before stepping onto the elevator and disappearing from sight.    

As much as I'd love to...I can't ignore the way she said that. It almost sounded like...like a threat.    

"I told you she was fucking crazy." Ally chuckles and shakes her head as we enter our hotel room.    

She kicks off her shoes and tosses her bags into the corner before collapsing on the couch. I follow suit and make sure I sit as far away from her as possible.    

I just...I don't know how to act around her. She's hiding it fairly well, but I know she's hurting because of me, and I don't want her to think that I don't feel bad. I can't just go on like nothing happened.     

When she scoots closer to me and laces her fingers through mine, I can't help but smile. Any affection she shows me, is a huge step. I have to regain her trust, and show her that I'll never fuck up again. I've definitely got my work cut out for me.    

I don't expect it to be easy and I'm sure it's going to take a lot of time and patience, but I'm willing to do whatever it takes to keep her by my side.    

"Justin...you don't have to walk on eggshells around me." She says suddenly. "We have to put this behind us. If we let it hang over our heads, we'll never get past it."    

I nod in agreement and she smiles. I know she's right, but I can't just push the guilt I'm feeling aside. I hate myself for what I've done to her and I don't think I'll ever really get over it.     

In a way, this is kind of new to me. I've cheated on women and done some really horrible things, but it's never affected me like this. But then again, I've never felt what I feel with Ally, with anyone else.    

"Justin...it's going to be ok. It's going to take some work, but we will get through this." She quickly straddles my lap and places her hands on either side of my face, forcing me to look her in the eyes. "I love you Justin, and I'm not going anywhere."    

"How can you act like this?"    

She shrugs and lets out a loud sigh. "I guess...I kind of figured something like this would happen somewhere along the line. I've known you my whole life Justin, I know you better than you know yourself and I'm smart enough to realize that you'll never completely change. I'm not happy about it, and it hurts like hell...but I love you too much to walk away now."    

"How the hell did I end up with you?"    

"You're just lucky I guess." She giggles before trailing her lips along my jaw.   

I am beyond lucky. Words can't even begin to describe how amazing it is to have someone in my life, who is going to stand by me, no matter what. Lord knows, I don't deserve it one bit, but I'm never going to risk losing her again. I'm going to make this work, no matter what the world throws at us. We belong together, and we're going to make it.    

Before I know it, her hands are working to undo my jeans and I'm sliding her sweat pants down her legs. Just before she sinks down on top of me, she bites her lip and looks me dead in the eyes.    

"I need to hear you say it Jus."    

I swallow hard and nod slowly. As stupid as it sounds, those three words have become so difficult to say to her. I feel them with all of my heart, but I just...I can't say it, and honestly, I don't know why.     

I've said it to her millions of times but now...it's just different.    

"I love you Justin." She gives me an encouraging smile, but I know I'm making her nervous.    

If I can't say the words she needs to hear, we'll never be able to move forward. I can't let that happen.    

"I love you Ally."    

When she smiles and places her lips on mine, I know....it's going to be alright.    

We're going to make this work.

"Someday"-Nickelback