Every single day that I can breathe
I'm never gonna let you pass me by
We won't break, we won't die
It's just a moment of change 
       

I know what you're probably thinking.     

Ally Lawson has officially lost her mind, gone off the reservation, bought a one-way ticket to crazy town.    

Trust me, I know. I've been thinking all of those same things myself.     

I mean really, what kind of woman lets a man cheat on her, without any repercussions?     

I don't know why, but something in his eyes wouldn't let me walk away. I could see just how sorry he was, and really...he can't be held totally accountable. Darcy had been trying for months to sink her claws into him and I knew, it was just a matter of time before she succeeded in some way.     

He hasn't been forgiven, and I'm finding it increasingly hard to trust him, but I love him and I'm willing to do whatever I have to, to make this work out.    

I guess, I just didn't want to be like all the other women in his life, who have given up on him any time he made a mistake. He's had a lot of people abandon him for the smallest lapse in judgement, and I don't want to be one of them.     

I know that no matter what, we will get through this. We just have to work at it.    

Now that the tour is finally over, and we're leaving for Hawaii in a few days, I can finally relax. We'll be thousands of miles away from all of those outside forces that seem determined to push us apart, and I can't wait.     

I've missed Lauren and Trace more than I thought possible these last few months, and I think we all desperately need this vacation. Plus, call me crazy...but I'm really looking forward to getting to spend time with Noah.    

Since we left Memphis after Noah was born, my desire to have a baby has pretty much died down. I think all of the excitement, plus seeing Lauren and Trace so happy made me a little jealous. I guess, I just wanted to experience all of that for myself.    

However, I've always prided myself on being fairly realistic. I know that Justin and I having a baby right now, just wouldn't work. We'll get there someday, just...not now.    

Hell, we aren't even moved into our house yet. I'm still getting used to saying that...our house.    

I know it sounds pretty stupid since I've been living with Justin for the better part of the last six years, but the house in L.A never belonged to just the two of us. That house was just as much Lauren and Trace's as it was ours.    

This house in Memphis though...it belongs solely to Justin and I, and that is a damn good feeling. I can't even begin to describe how amazing it feels to have something that we can call ours.     

"So...my mom just called. She said the rest of the furniture got there this morning." Justin gives me a small smile as he enters the now half empty kitchen.    

Once the tour was over, I gave myself one day to crash before I started packing. I've gotten most of the essentials boxed up and shipped to the new house. Now, it's just a matter of double checking and gathering up those last few things.    

It hasn't completely hit me yet, but I know when we officially leave, I'm really going to lose it. I've finally gotten used to the idea that we really are moving back to Memphis and I'm not dreading it as much as I had been, but I'm not exactly looking forward to it either.    

We've had so many amazing memories in this house, and I don't want to leave it all behind. The four of us decorated this place together, Trace proposed to Lauren in this house, Justin and I got together here. We've lived here for six years and so much has happened in that time. I honestly believe those six years are the reason we're all as close as we are.     

I understand why Justin wants to leave L.A. He's grown to hate the city and he's getting desperate for a sense of normalcy, but I don't think he realizes exactly what we're leaving behind.    

I know I sound all sappy and pathetic, but I can't help it. I love this house, I love California...but, I also love Justin and moving back home is what's going to make him happy.    

"You aren't done packing yet?" He peers into the box on the floor and rolls his eyes.     

"I'm almost done." I shrug and shove a few more plates inside the box. "I don't want to miss anything."    

"Yeah.." He replies disinterestedly. "I'm bored, Al." He starts to whine and I can't help but groan. I so don't need this.    

"Well....I'm busy."

"Wanna take a break?" He grins hopefully and steps closer to me.    

I know that look in his eyes, and I'd love to drop what I'm doing and see exactly what he's got in mind, but I have to get this shit done. I have to get this stuff sent to Memphis and pack our things for Hawaii.   

Justin has done nothing but sleep since we got home, so he's been useless as far as helping me. Granted, I should have known this would happen. He spends all those months on the road, running himself ragged and stressing out. He gets completely wiped out.    

Once it's all over and he can finally relax at home, he spends damn near two weeks in an almost comatose state. He spends 12 to 15 hours a day in bed, and the rest of his time is spent planted in front of the television. If it was anybody else, I'd worry but I know just how badly he needs the rest.    

"Come on." He pouts and quickly slides his hands up the front of my shirt. I drop the dishes in my hands and my arms snake around his neck. He pulls me against him and I can't help but smile at how good it feels to have him hold me.     

All my life, I've never felt as safe with anyone, as I do with Justin. I've always had this thought that he could protect me from anything. Granted, he seems to have a habit of making the most idiotic mistakes,but I know he'd never let anything bad happen to me, or let anyone in the world hurt me.    

He's a fairly protective guy to begin with, but when it comes to me, he's almost obsessively over protective.    

He drags his mouth across my neck before stopping suddenly and looking me dead in the eyes. He rests his forehead against mine and a wide grin breaks out across his face.    

"Do you have any idea how much I love you?"    

"I dunno...maybe you should show me." I giggle stupidly.    

I have plenty of time to finish our packing, and is it really life altering if I miss a few things?    

It sounds weird, but I absolutely love the fact that he makes me completely irrational. It's like no matter what I'm doing or how important it is, I always give in and drop everything to be with him.    

He grabs my hand quickly and leads me through the empty house, up the stairs and to his bedroom. He lays me down gently before crawling on top of me, his mouth returning to my neck.    

Maybe, I've been over reacting about moving. I mean, as long as we're together, does it really matter what our zip code is?    

I don't need anything in this world except him, and as long as I've got that...I'll be perfectly happy, no matter where we are.

******************************    

"We've got a William Rast show sometime this month, then Johnny said something about you working with Madonna." Trace shrugs and takes a sip of his drink. "You have to be there for the Rast show though...nobody's gonna show up if you aren't there."    

He and Justin continue to ramble, but I tune them out. The only thing I can focus on is the fact that I'm on a plane headed for Hawaii, with my three favorite people and the cutest baby in the world.     

He really is adorable, the perfect combination of my two best friends. I can't wait to see him grow up and see which personality traits he picks up. If Justin has anything to say about it, Noah is going to be the spitting image of him and Trace when they were kids.    

Lord help us all if that happens.    

Lauren's spent most of the flight fawning over Noah while Justin and Trace have busied themselves with going through the mini bar and discussing Justin's schedule.    

I've missed this so much the last several months, all four of us together, not worrying about work or being followed constantly. This is about as close to normal as it's going to get for us. Granted, we'll never go back to the way we were before marriage and babies came along, but this is just as good.    

I really can't wait for this vacation to start.     

"Hey Al...check and see when the Madonna thing starts." Justin says suddenly.    

I dig my palm pilot out of my purse and quickly go to my calendar. I swear, I'd be utterly lost without this thing. I practically live out of it.    

"The 15th of next month."    

Just as I'm about to stuff the device back into my bag, another highlighted date catches my eye. It's a fairly important one, yet it's come and gone, completely unnoticed.    

All my life, I've been able to practically set my watch by my period. I know a lot of women have issues with late starts or skipping a month, but not me. It's always come the third of the month, every month. However, this month seems to have gone way off track.     

The third, was three and a half weeks ago.    

I should have noticed much, much sooner but I guess with the tour winding down and Noah being born, I was just way too busy to even think about it. Working for Justin has my brain going in a million different directions at all times, once in awhile...some things slip through the cracks. Unfortunately, this is something that shouldn't have been forgotten.     

I bite my lip and glance over at Justin laughing loudly with Trace. This can't be happening. Not now.    

Justin and I have way too much of our own drama to deal with, we don't need a baby involved. We're both so selfish and childish, this really couldn't come at a worse time for us.     

Maybe...maybe, I'm not though.    

I've heard that stress can often throw things off with your body and Lord knows, I've been plenty stressed these last few months.    

The end of a tour is just like the beginning, there's always thousands of things to do and people to schmooze. I've been organizing the move to Memphis, entirely on my own. Then, there was crazy Darcy and her bullshit. Charlie was thrown back into the mix, Lauren having Noah, and of course, Justin is always a cause for stress, all on his own.    

Hell, stress is a gross understatement for the pressure I've been under recently. It's been one hell of a rough year.    

I'm positive, that's all it is. The stress and exhaustion are finally catching up to me and it's doing weird things to my body. I bet, after a few days of rest, I'll be right back to normal.    

I look over at Lauren cradling Noah in her arms and smile. Would it really be so terrible? Sure, the timing couldn't be worse and we both have a lot of growing up to do, but would it really be so bad if Justin and I had a little one running around? I mean, I always planned on being married before I had kids, but life doesn't always turn out the way you expect. I sure as hell never expected to be with Justin, but here I am.    

I could argue that we aren't ready, but who really ever is? Who can honestly say that they're one hundred percent ready to have a baby? I think there's some doubt and a little fear for everyone in this situation.   

Oh who the hell am I kidding? Justin and I having a baby is a horrible idea!    

There is absolutely no way either of us could handle it right now. At this stage in our lives, we'd be awful parents. We can barely keep our relationship together for an extended period of time, how the hell are we supposed to raise a family?    This can't be happening.   

Maybe, I'm just being paranoid. I'm not pregnant. I can't be. It's stress. It's just the stress.    

Justin moves to sit down beside me and I feel myself tense when he laces his fingers through mine. There's no way he could deal with a baby right now. He'll be starting the European dates in a couple months, he's got tons of production and writing projects lined up, this can't happen right now.    

I know the panic is starting to set in and I can't wait to get off this damn plane. I feel like the walls are closing in on me. I have to get out of here and away from him for a little while.    

Convincing myself that I'm not pregnant is doing nothing to calm my already frayed nerves because, deep down...I know the truth. Like Lauren said all those months ago, some things in life, you just know. I'm fairly certain that this is one of them.    

Another half an hour passes before we finally land and I make a mad dash for the hotel. I don't even take the time to revel in the fact that I'm in quite possibly the most beautiful hotel in the world, in the most gorgeous state in the country. I just want to drop my shit off and get to the nearest drug store.     

I can't help feeling a little angry. I had big plans for this trip and they've all been shot to hell. If Justin hadn't made me check that stupid calendar....ugh!    

I just need an answer. A small part of me is still in denial and I need some sliver of proof. I know I could ask Lauren for help, after all, I was right there with her when she was in the same exact situation, but in a weird way...I'd much rather deal with this on my own. Having someone else around would just put me even more on edge and that's the last damn thing I need right now. I want to get through this as quickly and calmly as possible.    

Once we're settled into the hotel, I make up some lame story about forgetting my shampoo and I hurry out of the hotel, in search of a drug store.     

I know, I should push this all to the back of my mind, and wait until we go back home, but there's no way I could enjoy the next two weeks with this hanging over my head. I need to know, and I need to know now.    

I grab four tests and scurry to the register. The older woman behind the counter gives me a disapproving look, but I couldn't care less. She can think I'm the worlds biggest slut, as long as she rings me up quickly and gets me the hell out of here. As she hands me my change, she mutters "good luck", and gives me an awkward smile.     

I rush back to the hotel and lock myself in the bathroom before Justin even realizes that I've returned. I read the instructions for the first test and follow them to the letter.    

A million things are running through my mind as I wait for that stupid test to turn pink or blue. I'm praying for blue, but I've got a bad feeling that I won't be so lucky.    

I've managed to never be in this situation until now, and I'm pretty proud of that fact. I've been careful, and with a man like Justin, that isn't always easy to do.   

Words can't even begin to describe the fear I'm feeling. My whole world is resting on a color right now and it's fucking terrifying.     

The alarm on my phone finally goes off and I quickly pick up the stick, keeping my eyes shut tight. I open them quickly and right away, I can feel the deep frown settle on my face.    

There it is, plain as the nose on my face...a little pink plus sign.

************************************    

I'm sure a lot of people think four is a pretty small number. I'd be willing to bet that I thought the very same thing until this morning.     

Four tests. Four pink plus signs. Four pieces of evidence that prove, I am indeed pregnant.    

I swear, someone is completely against the idea of Justin and I being a normal couple. We've tried so hard to make our relationship as ordinary as possible, but no matter what we do, life always manages to throw us some massive curve ball.    

I don't understand why we can't work the way Lauren and Trace do. They dated for four years, got married and had a baby. Those are the steps every serious couple plans to take. That was the route Justin and I wanted, but we can't seem to turn ourselves in the right direction.    

I haven't got a clue what to do. I don't know how I'm going to tell him, or anyone else for that matter. Obviously, I can't hide it forever, but until I know what to say or do, I'm keeping my big mouth shut.     

Honestly, I doubt I'll tell anyone while we're here. This trip was meant for us to relax. If everyone's worrying about my stupid pregnant ass, there will be no relaxing.     

"Ally!" Lauren practically screams my name and jerks me from my racing thoughts.  

"Yeah?"

She chuckles and rolls her eyes at me. "Me and Trace are going swimming, can you watch Noah?"    

"Oh yeah, sure." I nod as she places the baby in my arms. He fusses a little at first, before settling against my chest, and I swear, I can feel my heart melting.    

That desire to be a mother is back full force and I can't help but smile. It still blows my mind that my best friends brought this perfect little being into the world. I'm sure that feeling of awe will increase tenfold when I hold mine and Justin's baby for the first time.    

I think I may still be in shock over the whole thing, because I just can't wrap my head around it yet.     

Me? Justin? A baby?    

How fucking crazy is that?    

"Hey...find your shampoo?" Justin asks as he enters the room and goes straight into the bathroom. He returns a few minutes later after setting his shaving kit on the sink.    

Thank God I thought far enough ahead to empty the trash. How horrible would it be if he found the tests before I was able to tell him? I wasn't about to let that happen.    

"Yeah, I found it."    

"Cool." He nods and plops down next to me on the bed. "Baby duty, eh?" He grins as he gently runs his hand over the top of Noah's head. Before I know it, Justin's taken the baby from my arms and is singing softly to him while pacing the room.    

Justin has always been great with kids. My nephew, JJ absolutely adores him and any other child I've seen him interact with has loved him. I don't doubt his abilities as a father, but I do have some concerns.    

Number one, the timing is awful. When this baby is born, Justin will be stuck in some foreign country, in a completely different time zone.    

I know that having a baby with him now, means I'll basically be a single mother, and there's absolutely no way he'll be able to talk me into touring during my pregnancy. I'm not a big fan of the road to begin with, forget about doing it while lugging around all that extra weight, and fighting morning sickness.    

I honestly can't even begin to guess how he's going to react to this news. We've both said, God knows how many times, that we aren't ready and that now just isn't the right time. I guess we should have been a little bit more careful if we didn't want to end up here just yet.    

"Alright, he's out." Justin places Noah in the small crib and practically pounces on me.    

His mouth and hands are everywhere, which normally would be a good thing, but after this morning, the last thing I'm feeling is sexy and has he lost his God damn mind? We can't have sex while we're watching Noah! It's beyond wrong and Lauren would murder both of us.    

See, this is the kind of stuff that makes me worry. Sometimes, it's so obvious just how immature Justin really is. He just doesn't think things through and with a baby around, I'll need him on his A game at all times.    

"Justin, stop." I shove him off of me and right away, the pout forms on his lips. "We are not fooling around with the baby here. Have you not heard the term irresponsible?"    

"Oh come on Al...he's sleeping. It's not like he'd know what we were doing." He laughs and rolls his eyes.    

"That's not the point." I quickly grab my keycard and leave the room.     

I can't be around him when he's acting so...so...so childish. I really just need some time to get my head clear. I've got a lot of things to think about and figure out, mostly how the hell I'm going to tell him that we're about to become parents.        

I really want to believe that he'll be thrilled, that he'll step up and be the man I need him to be, but I'm just not sure that's going to happen.    

I love him with all of my heart, I really do, but I'm getting increasingly nervous about this. Not only is my life about to be turned upside down, but I'm afraid I'm going to go through all of this alone.    

And there's nothing more terrifying than that.

"All We Are"-OneRepublic