Sometimes
It's hard to know where I stand
It's hard to know where I am
Well maybe it's a puzzle I don't understand
But sometimes
I get the feeling that I'm
Stranded in the wrong time
Is it any wonder I'm tired?
Is it any wonder that I feel uptight?
Is it any wonder I don't know what's right?
Oh, these days, after all the misery made
Is it any wonder that I feel afraid?
    

"You seriously don't want to learn to surf?"     

Ally scrunches up her nose and shakes her head quickly. "Nope."    

"I think she's scared man." Trace cackles beside me as he pulls his board off the rack.    

"You two go, be manly or whatever. We're perfectly fine right here." Lauren shoos us away and finishes lathering sunscreen on Noah. Trace shrugs as we collect our gear and head for the water.    

As much as I love Tennessee, if I had to pick anywhere else in the world to live, I'd probably pick Hawaii. Everything is just so laid back, the people are about as friendly as it gets and it's beautiful here. Perfect weather, the sun shining bright everyday. Who wouldn't love this place?    

Granted, I could do without the small group of photographers that have been following us since we got here two days ago, but I've kind of gotten used to that. It's never going to go away, so what's the point in fighting it? We've ignored them, and they've mostly kept their distance. Which is probably a good thing for them, Trace would shit a brick if they got too close to Noah.     

I didn't expect to, but I really love that little dude. I mean...I knew I'd love him, I guess I just didn't expect it to be so much. He's just a little over two months old, but I know the kid is going to grow up to be something special. I guess, I just like seeing the affect he has on everyone around him.    

Right away, Lauren went into mom mode, and there are times where she seems so much older than the rest of us. She's settling into family life beautifully and it's like she has this glow all around her, she's beyond happy and it shows.    

Trace isn't as obvious, but the dad mentality is definitely there. He's become viciously protective of Lauren and Noah. The three of them are in this little bubble, and I feel for anybody who tries to intrude on that. Trace would probably kick the shit out of them.    

Then, there's Ally. Her affection for the baby only really shows when she's holding him. She just lights up and I kind of get the feeling that she may be ready for all of that sooner, rather than later.    

I will say one thing though, those maternal instincts definitely kicked in the other day. I mean, yeah ok...trying to get in her pants with the baby around wasn't exactly the smartest thing I've ever done, but she completely freaked out.    

She's been doing that a lot actually.     

I had plans for this trip...I figured we could hole up in our hotel room and do pretty much whatever the hell we wanted, but she's barely let me touch her the last two days. Any time I get close to her, she leaves or gives me some lame damn excuse about having a headache.     

It's weird. For the most part, she's herself, silly, loud, sarcastic. It's just when I try to touch her or get something started, she backs away like I'm going to hurt her. I don't get it.     

The only thing I can figure, is that maybe she's still a little hung up on the Darcy thing, but even that doesn't really add up. That's been almost two months ago and we've done plenty of fooling around since then.     

I guess I'll give it a couple days and then maybe I'll say something. Who knows...I've probably said something stupid and rather than start a fight, she's just cut me off without warning.    

Chicks are evil like that.     

We finally reach a calm spot in the water, a good distance away from the shore and we both lazily straddle our boards. This might be one of my favorite things in the world, to be out in the middle of the ocean, surrounded by nothing but water. It's quiet, except for the sound of waves crashing in the distance and it's just...peaceful.    

Out here, none of the craziness in my life matters. I can just relax and forget about everything. I swear, I could spend hours just sitting here.    

"I'm really glad we did this." Trace says suddenly, a satisfied smile on his face as he stares off into the distance.    

"Tell me about it man. I think we all needed it."    

"Definitely." He nods before turning to face me. "So, I guess the whole Darcy thing is all cool now?"

"I don't know." I shrug. "I thought so...but I just don't know. I didn't think we'd go back to normal right away, but it's like we're moving fucking backwards. Especially since we got here."    

This is the number one reason I miss having his short ass around all the time. Don't get me wrong, Ally is still my best friend and I tell her damn near everything, but now..there's just some things I can't talk to her about.    

I never really did talk relationships with her for some reason. I just always saved that stuff for Trace. Without him around, I don't really have anybody to vent to. Ally would probably slap the shit out of me if I started whining about her, to her.    

And sometimes, I just want to hang out with my boys. It's me and Ally 24 hours a day and even though I adore her, sometimes I just need some space.    

"I wouldn't worry about it. I mean, if she didn't kick your ass to the curb when you told her, she ain't going anywhere."    

"Yeah, it's just...she won't do anything with me."    

"We just got here man. She probably wants to chill out for a couple days. You know Al...she can't sit still for too long."

I chuckle and shake my head. For a married guy, he can be pretty dense.    

"That's not what I meant man. We haven't had sex since a few days before we left."    

"You mean to tell me, that you can't go more than four days without getting laid? You should seek some counseling man." Trace laughs and shakes his head.    

"I can, and I have. I just figured, hey..we're on vacation, ya know? But it's not even just sex. She won't let me touch her. I can't hold her hand, can't kiss her, nothing."    

"Alright...that is pretty fuckin weird." He nods thoughtfully. "She's probably on the rag or something."    

"Yeah, probably." I shrug and Trace starts babbling about what he plans to do with Noah's nursery once he's a little older.    

I want to believe that Ally's sudden disinterest in physical contact has nothing to do with me, but what else could it be? It's about me, and I know it is.    

I just don't know what to do to fix it.

****************************************    

I enter mine and Ally's hotel room slowly and the first thing I notice, is the silence.     

Trace and I were out on the water for several hours and by the time we made our way back to the shore, the girls had packed up their towels and Noah, and disappeared. Trace figured they came back here to get the baby out of the sun.    

Can't say I blame them for that, I've got a pretty nice burn going myself, and I'm sure it's going to hurt like hell in the morning.    

I step into the bedroom and find Ally sound asleep. Sometimes, I still can't believe that she's with me, that at one point in time, I never realized how beautiful she really is. Two years ago, I wouldn't have given her a second look and I sure as hell never planned on falling in love with her, but I'm so glad I did.    

After the past year or so, it's gotten pretty difficult to remember what it was like before we got together. Honestly, I don't think I want to remember, I'm so much happier with her, it's like..I don't want to think of a time where I wasn't. I can't even imagine myself with anyone else, ever again, nobody would ever compare to her.    

I just wish I could understand what's been with her the last couple days. If she's mad, she can tell me. I'll do whatever I need to, to apologize. If she's still upset about Darcy, then I'll give her the space she needs until she can get over it.    

I'll do any damn thing for her, I just wish she'd say something.    

I slowly climb into bed and lay down beside her. She stirs a little before her eyes flutter open and she stares at me for what feels like hours. She smiles, but I can tell it's forced and I'm getting even more confused.    

For the most part, things were normal until we got here. I can't think of anything I've said or done in the last two days to make her act like this.    

I lean in to kiss her, but she quickly turns away from me. What the hell man?    

"Ally...what's wrong?" I ask quietly.     

I try to make myself look as pitiful as possible in the hope that maybe, if she sees how much this is bothering me, she'll open up and tell me what the hell has gotten into her. She looks at me for a few minutes before letting out a long sigh.    

"Nothing Justin. I'm just tired."

"So, being tired means I'm not allowed to fucking touch you?" That came out much angrier than I intended, but I don't really care. I just want to know why my girlfriend suddenly can't stand to let me touch her.    

"Jus, come on...we're on vacation. I don't wanna fight. Nothing is wrong, I think everything is just catching up with me and I'm worn out. Ok?"    

I guess that kind of makes sense. She knows I can be kind of a horny bastard so maybe it's just easier for her to avoid the physical stuff all together. She's been busting her ass the last couple months. I have no doubt that she's completely exhausted, and probably doesn't need my dumbass pawing all over her.    

"Alright, just...you can tell me that, ok? Don't just blow me off and shit."    

"You're right. I'm sorry." She nods and gives me a quick peck on the lips.    

That's the most contact I've had with her in days and I'd love nothing more than to crawl on top of her and do some very inappropriate things to her, but...I'll play the good boyfriend card, respect the fact that she's tired and I'll keep it in my pants.    

"So, looks like you got a little burnt." She smirks as she notices my now very red skin.    

"Just a little." I laugh and roll my eyes.    

"So I was thinking..maybe tomorrow you and me can take Noah for the day, give Laur and Trace some time alone." She says suddenly.    

Just talking about the baby puts that sparkle in her eyes. I wouldn't be surprised if she said she wanted one of our own right now.     

We've never gone too much into the whole baby thing. I mean, yeah...we both want kids eventually, but I think that's a ways off for us. I'm working constantly and we need to get our relationship on stable ground before we can even seriously talk about that stuff.    

Plus, I think we need to be married first. I grew up with one parent and even though my Momma did a great job, I don't want that for my kids. I want them to live as normal a life as possible and that starts with having both parents present.    

"Yeah, we can do that." I nod slowly as a wide grin appears on her face. "They could probably use the time alone anyway."    

"Me and Laur were talking about that earlier. She loves doing the mom thing, but she said she kind of misses it just being her and Trace. She said she's actually a little jealous of us." Ally giggles and rolls her eyes.    

"Yeah...like they should be jealous of us for anything. They have the perfect relationship and we get screwed on a daily basis."    

"Hey!" She slaps my shoulder and pouts. "We have plenty to be jealous of. I mean yeah...you can be kind of stupid sometimes, but we've got it pretty good, I think."    

She's right. Despite all of the stupid shit that's happened to us, we do have it pretty damn good. We're together and we love each other. Money is a non-issue. We've got amazing friends and family who support us no matter what.    

Yeah, we've got it really damn good.    

"We do." I nod slowly. Before I know it, she's straddled my lap and is smiling down at me.    

Sometimes, I swear the girl has a split personality, but hey...she keeps me on my toes.    

"What happened to being tired?"    

"Well...I feel kinda bad about blowing you off so much the last couple days."    

"And you think sex will make me feel better?" I arch an eyebrow at her and she giggles.    

"Yeah...pretty much. You are a man after all."    

She has a point there. Hell...she could go out and spend every last dime I've got, but I'd probably forget all about it if she came home and slept with me.    

What can I say? I'm a guy. The little head overpowers the big one sometimes. It's really not my fault.    

Her lips finally crash against mine and even though it's only been a couple days, I've missed kissing her more than I thought possible. I may want my space once in awhile, but I don't think I'll ever get tired of being around her.    

She just...she makes me happy, happier than I think I've ever been. She makes me feel things that nobody else ever could. I'm in love with her almost to the point of obsession and as long as she feels it too...I'm ok with that.

***************************    

Ally places Noah in my arms and I can't help but smile. He's still so small but he's so damn curious about everything around him. His eyes are constantly darting around, trying to look at everything in the room. It's kind of cool that something so small can be so interested in his surroundings.    

Once me and Ally are married and start our family...I really want a boy. A girl wouldn't be bad, but I would love to have a son. Teach him how to play the piano. I want to be the really involved father that I didn't have.    

Ally watches me silently, a weird smile on her face. I'm sure she's analyzing my every move, trying to guess what kind of father I'll be. I look up at her and my smile falls when I notice the sad, worried look on her face. Oh god...am I holding him wrong or something?    

"You alright?" Tears are forming in her eyes and she nods quickly.    

"I'm fine."

"No you're not Al. What's going on?"        

I knew all that I'm tired stuff was bullshit. I should have pushed a little harder for the truth, instead of letting her lie to me.    

"Nothing. Really...I'm fine." The tears she was trying so hard to fight are now streaming down her cheeks.        

I don't know what the hell is wrong with her, but I'm going to get an answer. She can't expect me to stand here, watching her cry and ignore it. If she's upset or hurt, I want to know about it, I want to fix it.    

"Ally, don't lie to me."    

She frowns then plops down on the bed, looking everywhere but at me. "I'm pregnant Justin."

"Funny." I roll my eyes and place Noah in his crib.     

If she isn't going to tell me what's wrong, then I don't feel like being anywhere around her. I can't fucking stand lying, especially when it's someone I care about lying right to my face.    

"I'm not kidding Justin...I found out the day we got here." Something in her voice makes me realize that she isn't joking.    

Ally's pregnant.    

I feel my legs give out under me and before I know it, I'm on the floor.  She can't...how...when did...a baby? I think I'm gonna throw up.    

She kneels down beside me and tries to be comforting by wrapping her arms around me, but I feel like I'm suffocating. I...I can't think, I can't breathe, my whole body feels numb. I think this is what shock feels like.    

"Why didn't you tell me?" I choke out. My mouth is suddenly very dry and I feel dizzy, even though I'm sitting down.    

"I just found out. It was all kind of sudden. I was going to wait until we got home, but I just...you with Noah just..." She shrugs lamely.    

I'm sure she's terrified and this explains the way she's been acting the last few days, but why couldn't she tell me as soon as she found out? I've never done anything to make her think she couldn't talk to me.    

"I gotta...I gotta go Al...I need some air." I scramble to my feet and bolt from the room, leaving her on the floor.    

I know walking out on her is pretty dick, but I just...I need some space and some time to think. Obviously, she hasn't been to a doctor yet, so there is a slight chance she could be wrong. But, Ally is pretty level headed. She wouldn't be this upset if it wasn't true.   

I just...I thought we were careful about this shit.     

What the fuck am I supposed to do? We can't have a kid right now. How do you raise a baby on the road? We aren't married, we aren't even moved into the new house yet!    

This is completely fucking up all of the plans I made for us. I had everything set and now...it's all been shot to hell with two little words.    

I'm pregnant.    

I keep hearing her say them over and over again. It's like a CD that keeps skipping and I honest to God think I'm going to be sick.    

I can feel the tears rolling down my cheeks and I swipe at them angrily. Why does this keep happening to us? Every single fucking time things calm down and we're happy...something comes along and fucks it all up. Why can't we just have a normal relationship and normal lives?    

I know it's partially my fault because of who I am, but this shit has nothing to do with my career.    

Why does everything have to be so damn complicated and dramatic? We're good people...do we really deserve this shit?    

God, I sound like a whiny little bitch. Trace kept his cool when he found out Laur was pregnant, why can't I?    

I just...this isn't fucking fair.    

I mean, I realize this isn't the end of the world, but the timing is just so wrong and so completely against all of the plans I've made. But then again, nothing between Ally and I has ever gone according to plan.    

Maybe we've just been trying too hard to be normal. Maybe this shit gets thrown at us because we can handle it, as long as we're together.    

Two months ago, I was terrified that she was going to leave me and that I'd never see the day we had children...She didn't leave and now that day is here, and what do I do? I leave her alone in a fucking hotel room, probably scared out of her mind.    

Could I be more pathetic?    

I need to step up and be a man about this. She's going to need me and I'm going to do my best to be there for her.    

I turn to make my way back inside the hotel and before I know it, I'm practically sprinting. We'll get through this, I know we will.    

I reach the door to our room in record time and as my hand touches the doorknob, someone calls my name. I look to my right and I'm sure there's no hiding the shock on my face when my eyes land on the tall blonde standing there.    

"Don't look so surprised Justin...I told you we'd be seeing each other again."    

Fuck.   

God really does have it out for me, doesn't he?

"Is It Any Wonder"-Keane