I use no exaggeration
I'm plainly hanging by a thread
And I'm running low on patience
But don't go blame it on yourself
I wish I was in my right mind
But I've left myself unnecessary chores
I make it bad when it's just fine
I was whole and sure, but now I'm clearly torn and there's
Nothing left for me to do
Right and left both bring me to
The center of my deepest fears, where the truth is oh so clear
Embracing inescapable truth
And that's facing up to you     

"You think it's hot in here?"     

Lauren looks at me like I've just sprouted an extra head and rolls her eyes. "I think it's just you, prego."    

Let it be known, pregnancy is hell.     

My back aches constantly, my feet are slightly swollen, I have stretch marks the size of Texas and worst of all, I constantly feel like I'm sitting in 90 degree weather.     

It's the middle of March for Christ sake!     

I pull my hair up into a pony tail and groan when several strands fall around my face, and others come loose, resting on the back of my neck.  It sounds crazy, but I think my hair might actually be the worst of it.    

In the last five months, it's seemed to grow at twice its normal speed and it feels much heavier than it used to. But, the thing that drives me absolutely insane is the way it sticks to my neck and shoulders when I get all hot, sweaty and gross.     

It just clings to the back of my neck, making me feel even warmer than I already do.    

It's true ladies, pregnancy is miserable.    

If Justin was here, I think I'd probably slap him for putting me in this position.     

"Alright, finished." Trace calls out proudly and stands back to admire his work.    

I swear to God, if I didn't have Lauren and Trace around, I'd be utterly lost. They've been a huge help while Justin's been gone, going shopping with me, joining me at doctors appointments, and best of all... Trace has put together every single piece of baby furniture that I bought. The crib, changing table, dresser and even the rocker.     

The little man really doesn't get near enough credit for being as awesome as he is.     

"What about light purple?" Lauren asks suddenly, looking up from the decorating magazine in her hands.    

"Too girly."    

I guess it's safe to say that I haven't been too smart about picking out baby stuff. Justin and I decided that we wanted to be surprised by the sex of our baby, so..I've said no any time my doctor offered to tell me, even though I'm dying to know.    

The only problem is, not knowing makes picking out clothes and colors for the baby's room virtually impossible.     

I swear, I could strangle my boyfriend for his stupid ideas sometimes.     

So far, picking out clothes has been the least difficult battle, but with only four months to go...the baby's room needs to get finished, pronto.     

I'm trying my best to stick with stuff that could work for a boy or a girl, but I'm having a really hard time deciding on something I actually like, and something that matches the light oak furniture.     

"Oh my God...Ally, I think this is it!" Lauren squeals excitedly and shoves the magazine into my hands.     

My eyes scan over the picture and I can't help but smile. It's gorgeous.    

The walls are painted in light green and pale yellow horizontal stripes, running from the floor to the ceiling. A border runs around the circumference of the room, in the center of the wall, and there are two choices: rubber ducks, or daises.     

Which, still leaves me with the boy or girl dilemma, but...if we waited until after the baby is born to put the border up, it could work.     

I pass the magazine to Trace and give him the sweetest smile I can manage.    

"Make this..." I gesture to the stark white walls, then point to the picture. "Look like that."    

"This kid better be named after me or some shit." He mutters as he stomps out of the room, clutching the magazine.     

"Don't let him fool you, he loves doing this. He went totally nuts when he did Noah's room." Lauren laughs and rolls her eyes. "So, when's Justin coming home?"    

"Two days."    

I take my hair out of the rubber band and put it up again, the same strands falling out and sticking to my neck. Lauren's eyes light up as she watches me struggle with my hair, and I can just see the wheels turning in her head.     

"Ya know..." She trails off, a scheming smile planted on her lips.     

I shake my head and take a few steps back. "You're not cutting my hair. I don't give a shit how many salons you've worked in, or what score you got on your last licensing test. You're not cutting my hair."    

"Aw Al..come on!" She pouts. "I cut Justin and Trace's all the time."    

"They barely have any hair to cut!"    

It's not that I don't trust Lauren to cut my hair. I've seen what she can do with a pair of scissors and some styling product, there's no denying that she's an incredible hairdresser.     

If I knew she'd just trim it, I'd probably let her, but I know my best friend all too well. If she gets within a foot of my head with a pair of scissors, she'll go nuts. For years, she's tried to convince me to go short, but I just can't bring myself to do it.     

My hair has always been long and now, reaching down to the center of my back, it's at it's longest. I'm not about to chop it all off, no matter how badly it sticks to my neck.     

Plus, Justin would probably kill me. He's jokingly said that I'm forbidden from cutting my hair, but I think if I actually did it, he'd probably lose his damn mind.     

Granted, I don't keep it long for him, but since I'm quickly becoming the size of a small elephant, I have to do whatever I can to keep him physically attracted.     

Not that it matters since he's in Europe, but that might be a good excuse to fight Lauren off with.     

"Come on Al...just up to your shoulders. It would look so cute!"    

"Nope." I shake my head and try not to laugh as she follows me through the house, begging to chop off my hair.     

She's persistent, I'll give her that much.

******************************    

I lay the cold, wet rag on the back of my neck and breathe a sigh of relief. I know it's only temporary, but for those few seconds, my body temperature seems to drop, and I don't feel like I'm standing on the fifth level of hell.     

I just don't get this. It's the middle of freaking spring! I shouldn't feel this damn hot all the time.     

The front door opens and shuts quickly, Lauren coming into view a minute later. She smiles brightly at me and I'd love nothing more than to slap that stupid grin off of her face.     

I don't know why, but I'm feeling extra bitchy today and Lauren's sunshiney attitude is the last thing I feel like dealing with. Damn hormones.    

"You ready?"    

"Yeah." I groan before pulling the rag off of my neck and tossing it into the sink.     

"Alright...I figured we could shop for awhile, then your mom and Lynn want us to meet them for lunch."    

"Sounds like a plan." I nod and follow her out of the house.    

Lauren insisted on taking me out shopping for the baby essentials, as she called them. Diapers, bottles, blankets, car seat, stroller, and diaper bags. Basically, all of the small details I've been overlooking.    

My focus has mostly been on getting the baby's room together, and unfortunately...the other stuff just kind of slipped my mind.     

I swear...I'm so not cut out for this mommy stuff. Atleast not yet anyway.     

Lauren babbles happily about strollers as we drive though Shelby Forest, but all I can concentrate on is the way heat seems to be setting into my skin once again. Is it possible to actually die from being too hot?    

As we pass a hair salon, mine and Lauren's conversation from yesterday plays through my mind again.     

Cutting my hair definitely won't solve the problem, but it would feel so damn good to have all of that hair off of my neck. Maybe it isn't such a bad idea after all.     

"Laur...can we make a stop first?"    

"Oh, yeah. You need to pee or something?"    

"Nope. I want to get my hair cut." She slams on the breaks, both of us lurching forward in our seats. She quickly turns to stare at me, her eyes wide and mouth hanging open.     

"Seriously?"    

"Yeah." I mutter and roll my eyes. "I'm just so damn hot. I can't take it anymore."    

"Oh my God!" She squeals excitedly. "This is huge! We'll go to work, that way I can do it myself." She nods before heading in the direction of her salon.    

The closer we get, the tighter my stomach begins to feel. I know it's silly to be nervous about a haircut, but I really can't help it. I can't even remember the last time my hair was above my shoulders.     

As Lauren pulls into the parking lot of the small salon, I freeze. Have I lost my damn mind? I can't cut my hair. Justin would kill me.     

In the time we've been together, he's developed somewhat of an obsession with my hair. He's constantly running his fingers through it, twirling the strands. He's always playing with it in some way. It's actually kind of cute.    

Oh, screw Justin....I'm about to die of heat stroke here.     

I follow Lauren into the building, smiling politely as she greets her co-workers, while we head to her station. I ease into the chair and can't help but smile. Along the edges of her mirror, are dozens of pictures, her and Trace on their wedding day, in the hospital holding Noah for the first time, several photos of the four of us as kids and adults.    

But, the absolute best is the one in the bottom left hand corner.     

Our trip to Hawaii definitely had its ups and downs, but for the most part...we all had a pretty good time, I think. We spent an insane amount of time on the beach and this picture is from one of those days.     

Justin and I had planted ourselves on the shore with Noah, while Lauren and Trace walked around the beach and played in the water, just enjoying their time alone.     

I don't even remember Lauren being close enough to get a shot of Justin holding Noah, while I watched him, an adoring smile planted on my face.     

"Haven't you seen that yet?" She asks when she notices me staring.    

"I don't think so...it's a good one though."    

"Yeah." She grins and shakes her head. "He's going to be an amazing dad, Al. But, anyway...what are we doing?" She brushes my hair out quickly and rests her hands on her hips, her eyes meeting mine in the mirror.    

"I don't know." I bite my lip nervously and shrug.    

"Alright...do you trust me?"    

"I think so."
    

"Ok then." She grins and grabs her scissors. "You'll love it, I swear." I nod slowly and Lauren gets to work.    

She moves my head in all directions as she walks around me, clipping away at the hair that I've spent years growing. I can't even bring myself to look in the mirror to see what she's done so far.    

Almost another half an hour passes before Lauren announces that she's finished. I keep my eyes focused on my lap and swallow hard. I haven't seen my hair yet, but I can feel how much lighter it is.    

It's short. Really short, as far as I'm concerned.     

I finally muster up the courage to look in the mirror and as soon as I see my reflection, I let out a loud gasp. I almost don't even recognize myself.     

All my life, people have thought I was several years younger than I actually am, but now I look much closer to my 26 years than I did before. It's almost unbelievable that the length of your hair can change your appearance so much.     

Surprisingly, I actually really like it and for the first time in months...I don't feel like I'm burning alive. Granted, it's nothing too fancy, just a chin-length, layered bob with sideswept bangs, but I'm quickly falling in love with my new appearance.    

Justin, on the other hand, is probably going to shit a brick.

*********************************        

I check the time on my cell phone, for what feels like the millionth time in the last 20 minutes and roll my eyes.    

Where the hell is he?    

His flight was due to land at 1:30, it's now 1:50, and he's nowhere to be found. Normally, it wouldn't be a big deal, but today....we're on a schedule.     

When he called last week to give me the exact date and time he'd be home, we were both beyond excited when we realized I had a doctor's appointment the same day. The plan was for me to pick him up from the airport, and we'd go straight to the doctor.     

It would have worked out perfectly, if his ass was here on time.    

I know it's not his fault that his flight is late, but it's not like I can yell at the pilot, so I'll have to settle for bitching at my boyfriend.     

Blame it on the hormones, I guess.     

I was really looking forward to this specific appointment, mainly because it's probably the only one Justin can actually go to.     

Finally, in the distance, I see a white blur touch the ground, and slow down as it moves up the runway.     

It's about damn time. If he wasn't here within the next 10 minutes, I had every intention of leaving him here.    

As the plane taxies up to the gate, I feel my aggravation fading and my excitement building. Three and a half weeks is entirely too long to be away from him.     

Within minutes, people are piling out of the gate and finally, I spot Mike and Joel.     

I'm practically jumping in place with excitement as I spot a tall figure behind them, dark sunglasses covering his eyes and the hood of his white sweatshirt pulled up over his head. He slides his sunglasses off quickly and my breath catches in my throat as my eyes lock with his.     

I knew I missed him, I just didn't realize how much until this moment.     

A look of confusion sweeps over his face, and he stops in his tracks, his eyes darting around in all directions. He looked right at me, what the hell is he doing?        

Oh God, my hair.     

I got so caught up in the excitement of him coming home, I completely forgot about my hair. This should be interesting.     

I maneuver my way through the crowd and when I reach him, he's chatting with Joel, his back to me. I tap him on the shoulder and he finally turns to face me. His eyes widen a bit and he stares at me, not saying a word.    

"Hey." I smirk at him as he eyes my hair carefully. He's silent for several minutes before he finally opens his mouth.    

"What...what the hell happened to your head?"    

"Lauren cut it for me...whadda ya think?" I bite my lip nervously and wait for him to respond.    

As much as I love my hair now, I'm not so sure he does, and that is exactly what I was afraid of.        

I've been gaining weight like crazy, so my self confidence has taken a major nose dive. I know, gaining weight comes with the territory, but well... I just feel...gross, and the last thing I need is my boyfriend hating the way I look.     

I know, I'm pathetic.     

"It's...well...it's different." He offers, with an awkward smile.     

Great. I knew it. I knew he'd hate it, and now... he'll probably never touch me again. Wonderful.    

"Are you ready? We need to get to the doctor." He nods slowly and we trudge out of the airport, Joel and Mike trailing behind us.    

I guess it was stupid to hope for some wonderful reunion, especially since apparently I destroyed one of my better features.    

I'm not sure if it's the hormones or me...but I'm kind of wishing he would have just stayed in Europe.

************************    

I swing my legs back and forth as I sit on the table in my doctor's office. Justin is pretending to read over the various baby posters adorning the walls, as we both wait for my doctor to enter the exam room.    

We've barely said two words to each other since we left the airport.     

Now, common sense would tell me that he's probably just tired. After all, he's been doing interviews, photo shoots and performing every single night for the last three and a half weeks. But...I think I'm a little too emotional for common sense to kick in.    

Instead, all I can think about is the fact that he can't stand to look at me anymore.     

I'm sure I'm acting like a brat, but I really can't help it.     

We sit in silence for another ten minutes or so, before my doctor finally enters the room, a warm smile planted on her face. She introduces herself to Justin and quickly begins the exam. She asks about my morning sickness, my weight gain, and if I have any concerns. Over the last five months, I've gotten this routine down to an art.    

Finally, she gets to the question I've been dreading. Every time she asks, I have to force myself to say no.    

"So, when we begin the ultra sound...would you like to know the sex of the baby?" Justin smiles politely and shakes his head. "Alright then. That's actually kind of rare. Most couples are usually dying to know."    

"Yeah, we decided awhile ago that we wanted to be surprised."    

"Nothing wrong with that."    

Before I know it, Dr. Mason has completed my ultrasound, informs us that everything looks good and instructs me to schedule my next appointment before we leave.    

As I stand at the desk watching the receptionist type my information into her computer, I can't help noticing the sheet of paper next to her keyboard. My name is printed at the top and my eyes begin to wander over the text. And, that's when I see it.    

The sex of the baby is right there, underneath all of my medical information. I swear, I was going to go with the surprise deal, but I'm actually kind of glad I saw that.    

The tears quickly well up in my eyes and I have to bite my lip to keep from squealing with excitement.     

In roughly four months...Justin and I are going to be the proud parents of a little girl.     

When I first found out I was pregnant, I made up my mind that I'd be happy either way. As long as my baby was healthy, I wouldn't care if the blanket we wrapped it in, was pink or blue.    

Deep down, I'm so, so, so glad it'll be pink. Knowing that I'm having a girl has kind of brought on this whole new level of excitement for me.    

It's kind of silly, but in the back of my mind, I had this small fear that I was having a boy, and once he got a little older, Justin would get to do all of the dad things he's been talking about for months, and I'd end up being just lame old mom.     

With a girl, Justin can still teach her all of the musical and sports things he's planned, but I won't be the over-protective mother figure that I was afraid of becoming.     

I can teach my little girl to be a strong, independent woman. I can show her that she doesn't have to depend on anyone or anything.     

I never thought I'd say this, but I want to raise my daughter to be the perfect combination of Justin and I.     

I want her to have his appreciation for music an art, my attention to detail. I'd love for her to inherit Justin's sense of humor, and even a little bit of my sarcasm.     

It sounds weird, but I want her to be like us, but I also want her to be her own person at the same time. I want her to form her own thoughts and opinions about things.     

I wouldn't mind seeing her pick up a few things from Lauren and Trace, either. Trace could teach her how to read people, while Lauren can help her with all those girly things that I'm not so great at.    

I can't even begin to describe how good it feels to know that my child will have all of these amazing, strong willed, intelligent people around to influence her.     

I just wish my father was going to be one of them.    

He still refuses to speak to me or Justin, but I can't bring myself to give up on him quite yet. I mean...he's my dad. I still have that small glimmer of hope that one day, he'll wake up and realize just how wrong he is.     

Sure, Justin has done some incredibly stupid things in the past and he's hurt me plenty of times, but I honestly believe that's behind us now. My pregnancy has forced Justin and I into growing up pretty damn fast and I know, he isn't going anywhere.     

Married or not, Justin and I are going to be together for the rest of our lives. I just wish my dad understood that.     

"So, is there a reason you aren't speaking to me?" Justin asks as we climb into my car.     

"You don't like my hair." I state simply.    

I know, I know...it's childish and stupid but damnit...I really hoped he'd say it looked good, and the fact that he didn't has made me feel even worse about my physical appearance.     

He puts the key in the ignition and turns to look at me, a slightly annoyed look on his face. "We're seriously going to fight about your hair?"    

"Yes." I mutter and roll my eyes.    

Maybe this whole thing is just in my head. I mean, there's no denying how shockingly different my hair is. Maybe he just needs a little time to get used to it.    

Hell...even I'm not completely used to it yet.     

It's official, my hormones and lack of self-confidence are making me certifiably insane.    

"Baby...it looks good. It really does. It's just...so different."    

"Why couldn't you just say that? I know I look like a cow, but as my boyfriend, it's your job to say I look good, even when I don't!" Before I know it, Justin erupts in laughter and my jaw nearly hits the floor.     

I can't believe he has the nerve to laugh at me. There isn't anything funny about this. You'd think, I'd get a little sympathy but oh no, my boyfriend is far too evil for that.    

"Ally, you do not look like a cow, and I'm not just saying that, alright?" He smiles sweetly, once his laughter subsides. "You're pregnant sweetheart, yeah...you've gained some weight, but it's normal. Stop making everything out to be worse than it really is. It's all normal...just accept it."    

"So, you don't think I'm hideous?" I ask as I try unsuccessfully to fight back my tears. Pregnancy has turned me into such a sap.    

"Course not." He grins and leans over to press his lips to mine before wiping away a few of the tears streaming down my cheeks. "You're gorgeous Ally, and I love you." I smile stupidly and kiss him again.    

I don't know how he does it, but he always knows exactly what to say to calm me down, or cheer me up. Maybe all those years as my best friend have taught him the right ways to reassure me when I need it the most.    

He's so perfect for me, and I still can't believe it took me so long to figure it out.     

This wasn't our first petty little dispute and I'm sure it won't be our last, but I need to learn to tell him when I'm feeling insecure. I can't just assume that I know how he's thinking or feeling.    

However, I can be sure of one thing...he loves me. And no stupid haircut, or massive weight gain could ever change that.

"Facing Up"- Kate Voegele