And all the roads we have to walk are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to you
But I don't know how

Because maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
And after all
You're my wonderwall
        

I bet you're expecting me to gush over how absolutely perfect the last year of my life has been. Well, hate to disappoint you... but life is far from perfect.    

Sure, Justin and I have finally managed to get our relationship on stable ground, and we have the most absolutely beautiful little girl in the world. But, it took us a hell of a lot of pain, sweat and tears to get here.     

There's been ups, there's been downs, there's been the boring and mundane, there's even been exciting and crazy.    

But, it was never easy.     

Loving Justin and Lily comes as naturally as breathing for me, but even sometimes it gets hard to breathe.     

Justin can be as stubborn, self-centered and childish as he ever was, but since the birth of our daughter, one year ago, he's been working on it. That kind of ego doesn't deflate overnight, but the fact that he's working on finally putting someone other than himself first, is a huge step in the right direction.    

I'll be the first to admit, when I went into labor... every fear I've ever had about Justin came rushing back to me. All I could hear were the things my father had been trying to tell me and I panicked. It was stupid, but it was a knee-jerk reaction. I guess that was why I didn't want him in the delivery room. Which, I'll probably regret until the day I die and Justin shows no sign of ever letting me live it down.     

Our relationship has kind of settled into a calm, I guess. Now that Justin's off the road and not working, he's kind of become just a normal guy. He goes golfing with Trace, does stuff around the house, pesters the ever-loving hell out of me, and then of course... there's his time with Lily.    

The thought of Justin as a father originally, scared the life out of me. I wasn't sure he was mature enough to handle the responsibility and I had this fear that he'd crack under the pressure. Luckily, he's gone above and beyond every one of my expectations.    

Justin is the kind of father every woman wants for her child. He's caring, he's loving, he knows exactly when to be serious or silly.     

And, Lily adores him.    

The second he enters a room, her eyes light up and it's impossible to ignore the huge grin plastered on her face. I know, she's going to be a complete and total Daddy's girl when she gets older.    

The strange thing though, before she was born... I imagined her looking like Justin. I figured she'd have his bright blue eyes, the mop of blonde curls, and of course... the trademark Timberlake smile.    

While she does have Justin's eyes and smile, the rest of her features are all me. She has my poker-straight dark hair, my round nose, and even my ears.    

Now, she may mostly look like me, but I can already see her personality coming out more and more each day, and she is practically a miniature version of her father. And that scares the shit out of me.    

The temper is already there, the pout, the confidence, all of it. It blows me away every single day. I mean honestly, who would have thought a one year old child, would have so much personality in that small body? It's insane.     

But, with all of their flaws and imperfections... they're my family. My silly, adorable, at times frustrating but lovable family, and I wouldn't trade them for the world.     

Even the fact that my father has turned his back on us, hasn't phased me. Sure, I wanted him around for the birth of his granddaughter, but I finally reached a point where I realized, it's not about him anymore.     

I'm a mother and girlfriend. I need to focus on the two people who depend on me, rather than a man who has no interest in me. If he really cared, he would have shown up the day Lily was born, and apologized. Instead, he sat at home and pretended nothing had happened.    

So, as much as it hurts to do so, I've accepted the fact that my dad doesn't want anything to do with me or my family.     

Besides, it's his loss. He's the one missing out on watching Justin go from a stubborn, self-centered boy, into an incredible man and father. And, he won't get to see that amazing little girl grow up.     

I almost feel sorry for him.  But, I'm done dwelling on it. It just isn't important anymore.     

In the past year, I guess I've grown up a lot. So much so, that I don't even really feel like the same girl I was a year ago. Being a mom kind of gives you this whole new outlook, like suddenly... you aren't the most important person in the world anymore.    

Everyone has a selfish side, no matter how hard they try to deny it. Most people put themselves first in most situations, but when you become a parent... that all changes. It's like, the only thing in the world that matters is that little life that you've created.     

I mean, when I do something, I think of how it will affect Lily. Or, if I go somewhere... can I take Lily? She's become the center of the world for Justin and I. And, we're ok with that.     

We've both really embraced this parent thing, and in a lot of ways... I think it's brought out the best in us. It forced us into growing up pretty damn quick, and I think we needed that.    

We were on a downward slope, no matter how much we tried to fight everything going on, and stay strong. If I hadn't gotten pregnant, I honestly don't think we'd be together today.     

Having Lily made us forget all of the stupid, insignificant things that seemed life altering at the time. It made me realize that I can't plan for everything in life, and it woke me up to the fact that Justin isn't going anywhere.    

No matter how stupid or infuriating he can be, he loves me. He always has, and he always will.     

But, I'm not so sure we could have made it on love alone. Things would always get complicated, just when we got them back on track. It just...we were headed for a disaster, plain and simple.   

And, as disastrous as my pregnancy seemed at the time... Lily saved this relationship. She was completely unexpected, but she was exactly what we both needed.    

Someday, I'd love to muster up the nerve to tell Justin and Lily exactly what they mean to me, but honestly... I don't think I can even put those kinds of feelings into words. Those two mean the world to me, and I can't even begin to guess how to express that.    

The fact of the matter is... life isn't perfect, no matter who you are. But, it's your life and you've got to make the best of it.    

With a little luck, I'll be able to do just that. Cause let's face it, Justin and I have nowhere to go but up.

"Wonderwall"-Oasis