Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing is just a grain of sand
What you've been up there searching for
Forever is in your hands
When you figure out love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
Seem so small
        

It's strange how you can do something a million times, but the slightest break in your routine, completely throws you off.     

Normally, sleeping alone doesn't bother me. Hell...most of the time I prefer it. Then again...when I usually share a bed with a woman, she wants to practically lay on top of me the entire night, and I just can't sleep like that. It's gets way too hot and I feel like I'm suffocating.     

With Ally, it's different.  She lays beside me, rather than on me, and it's nice. She's far enough away for me to be comfortable, but close enough so I can still feel her there. It's the perfect balance.    

It's been two days since she last slept in my bed. Three days since the last time we had sex, and four days since she said she needed time to think. It's pathetic as hell...but I kind of miss her.     

She's totally thrown herself into finishing up the wedding plans for Lauren, and I've barely seen her.    

She spends most of the day out running errands, comes home, eats, then goes straight to bed.     

I feel pretty shitty for not helping her more, but she acted like she was perfectly fine dealing with it all on her own, and she never asked for help, so I guess I'm in the clear.    

I doubt my disinterest in helping plan a wedding has anything to do with her need for space, but she is pretty fuckin weird sometimes, so there's really no telling.        

I like to think I know women fairly well, but I know I will never understand them. All the inner workings of their brains, all the rules...no man will ever understand any of that shit, and it's a waste of time to even try.     

I spend 90 percent of my time around women, and I've come to the conclusion that they're all just fucking nuts. End of story.     

For all I know, Ally may see my not helping, as a sign that I'd be a horrible boyfriend or some shit, which I know is not true. I think I'm a damn good boyfriend, and I defy any of my ex's to say I'm not.    

Honestly, I probably should have just kept my mouth shut and stuck to sleeping with her. With any other girl, I probably would have.    

But, Ally isn't the kind of girl you just screw around with.     

I'm not even going to pretend like it didn't sting a little when she said she had her doubts about me. I mean...yeah...I haven't been a choir boy, by any means, but I think I know how Ally deserves to be treated.    

Maybe it's my own stupid arrogance, but I'm not all that worried. I know she'll come around, I just need to wait it out.    

But, the waiting is the part that really sucks. I wish she'd just make up her mind and get some of this stress off my shoulders.     

I mean, I'm not sitting around thinking about whether she will or not...it's more of...why is this taking so damn long? I just need an answer.    

But, then again...I don't want to rush her. I want her to really think about what she wants and we can go from there.     

She just needs to hurry it the hell up.     

I don't know why, but I'd really like to have all of this figured out before Lauren and Trace get back. Even if we don't tell them right away, I'd just like for us to figure it out while we're here alone, with no distractions.    

Unfortunately, I don't think that's going to happen with Ally running around like a mad woman, barking orders into her phone.    

It's almost unbelievable how much shit goes into a wedding. I'm seriously considering never getting married just based on what Ally and Lauren are going through.    

Not that I'm anywhere near getting married to begin with...but whatever.     

The sound of footsteps distracts me, and I glance at the staircase to see Ally coming down, chattering away on her phone about place settings.     

She doesn't even look at me as she passes through the living room and heads into the kitchen. I've had about enough of this being ignored shit.     

We've said maybe three words to each other in two days, and I'm tired of it.     

I enter the kitchen as slowly and quietly as humanly possible. I must be doing an excellent job, because she jumps almost a foot in the air when my arms circle her waist, pulling her back against my chest.    

She quickly ends her phone call, then turns to glare at me. I can tell she's trying to put some distance between us, but I'm not giving up so easily.     

"Justin...what do you want?" She narrows her eyes at me and places her hands on her hips. I really don't get what the hell is with her.    

"Nothing." I shrug and she rolls her eyes. I swear to God, this woman has permanent PMS. Remind me again, what is it I see in her?    

"I really don't have time for this. I'm sorry, but I've got a million things to do in the next couple days and I promised Lauren everything would be done when she got home. Screwing around with you just doesn't fit into my schedule right now."    

I wish I could understand this sudden change in her attitude. Just two days ago, she was all sweet and couldn't keep her damn hands off of me. Now, it's like she can barely stand the sight of me.    

Maybe it's just the stress of being under a time limit to finish the wedding stuff up. Even when we're on the road, she has a tendency to get pretty shitty when she's under a lot of stress, so I guess I should be used to it.    

But, then...it was just my best friend being bitchy. Now, it's the woman I care about, and want to be with, treating me like shit.     

Yes...I know. I'm turning into a woman. I am pathetic.         

"Look...I'm sorry, ok? I just want to get this shit finished and turn it all back over to Laur when she gets home. I don't want her to worry any more than she has to...I'm just tired and cranky."    

"It's cool." I shrug, before letting her go and heading back into the living room. She's right behind me though, and I know she's not going to drop this.    

"I've only got a few more things to do today...so when I get back, we'll talk. I promise."    

"Cool." I shrug again, and she lets out a loud sigh.    

"I know you're pissed, and I'm sorry, but there isn't really anything I can do...you know how important this stuff is."    

I plant a kiss on her forehead and smile down at her. "It's fine, Ally."    

"Good. I'll see you tonight then." She forces a smile, then grabs her stuff and leaves the house without another word.    

Something tells me, I might not like what I'm going to hear tonight. *********************************************************************    

Alexandra Lynn Lawson is quite possibly the most amazing woman I've ever met. And no...it's not because I like her, or she's great in bed.    

It's for the simple fact that, she made her mother's spaghetti for me. I know my own mother would slap me silly if she ever heard me say it out loud, but Ann Lawson is the absolute best cook in the world.        

I've eaten in some of the best restaurants in the world, but none of them can even compare to what Ann can do in a kitchen.    

Unfortunately, Ally wasn't blessed with her mom's  natural ability in the kitchen, but as far as this spaghetti is concerned...she's pretty damn close.        

The sauce is some family recipe that Ann's mother passed down to her, which she eventually turned over to Ally. I couldn't even begin to guess what's in it, but it's amazing.    

"I'm going to assume I did good?" Ally chuckles when I get up to fill my plate a second time.     

"It's pretty close to your mom's." I nod, then sit back down. "I don't think I can go back to Lauren's cooking now."    

I never really understood why, but Lauren and Ally have always split up the household chores. Lauren handles the cooking and grocery shopping, while Ally does the majority of the cleaning. I don't know how Trace and I got left out, but I'm definitely not complaining.     

I know it's kind of an outdated ritual, but back home...the women take care of their men. The man earns the money, the woman keeps up the home.     

People aren't kidding when they say living in a small, southern town is like taking a step back in time.    

"Don't get used to this. You probably won't see it again for awhile."    

"You're no fun." I pout at her and she rolls her eyes.     

Things have actually gone pretty smoothly since she got home. She seems a little more laid back, and she hasn't snapped at me yet, so that's definitely a good thing.    

Even though she's in a good mood, I know I'm going to have to be the one to bring up our little dilemma. Ally's never been much of a problem solver and she tends to avoid things, in the hope that it will eventually just go away.     

In some cases, that's not such a bad thing, but she really needs to learn to face things head on. She's a pretty tough chick, so it's not like she couldn't handle whatever comes her way.  I guess she just wants to avoid conflict.    

"So..." I drawl out, and those green eyes lock with mine. She shifts in her seat a few times, and I can tell she's already uncomfortable.        

In a way, I feel bad. I don't want to make her feel weird or whatever, but this needs to get straightened out.    

I can't let it just hang over my head.    

"Look...Justin...I.." She starts, but I quickly interrupt.    

"Ally, honestly...whatever you've decided...I'm ok with. I just want to clear this up." She smiles slightly and nods before speaking again.    

"I...I've thought about this a lot. I don't know why it's so hard to say this." She laughs nervously and shakes her head. "I...umm...I do have feelings for you. I'm just not exactly sure what those feelings mean yet, but I know that I can't ignore it. I don't want to look back and think I might have missed out on something, ya know? I want to see where this could go. But..you have to understand why I have my doubts."    

I nod slowly, letting her words sink in. As much as I hate to admit it, I know exactly why she'd be a little apprehensive about me.     

She's watched me treat women like absolute shit for no reason. She saw me through my, "different woman, different day" phase. She's seen me cheat on what were supposed to be serious girlfriends.     

And honestly...I'm betting it's not just how I've treated women that's making her a little skeptical.        

Ally knows me better than I know myself sometimes, and that's not always a good thing. I like to think that, for the most part, I'm a pretty decent guy. However, I know I can be the most disrespectful, egotistical bastard on the planet.         

Not to mention the fact that, my career is my life. A lot of people can't handle that, especially the women I get involved with.    

The constant media attention, the insane schedule, the overbearing fans, it takes it's toll on everybody. And sure, Ally's dealt with all of it over the years, but never as my girlfriend.    

It might sound kinda stupid, but as hard as my career is on my family and friends, it can be ten times harder on a girlfriend.  For some reason, the media puts the women I'm spotted with, on a pedestal, and unfortunately...most of them can't handle it. It almost never matters what I think of them, once the media begins to criticize them...they're history.     

"Yeah, I do understand."    

"Good. Because, there's some things I'm about to say that you might not like. But, if this is going to work...some things need to change." She takes a deep breath and forces the best smile she can.     

"Number one...we're gonna take this slow. I mean really slow, Justin. We're gonna be going so damn slow, it almost feels like we're going backwards sometimes. We need time to adjust to all of this, because if something goes wrong, I want us to still come out of this as friends, and if we jump into some big, serious thing right away, I don't see that happening."    

I nod in agreement and wait for her to continue. Really, she hasn't said anything that I wasn't already thinking myself. The thought of us not being friends in some way or another is almost unbearable for me, so I think the slow route is good.     

"Secondly, I'd prefer it if we kept our relationship to ourselves for awhile, a month, maybe. It's just so new.... and we don't know what's going to happen, or how it's going to work,  so until we're comfortable, I'd like it to stay between us."    

"Not a problem."    

I could seriously get up and kiss her right now. I was terrified of having to tell anyone about us right away, even if it was just our friends and family. She just lifted a major weight off my shoulders.    

I mean, I know they'd all be thrilled, but I'm not quite ready for the millions of questions about how this all came to be. My mother would probably have a heart attack if she knew I'd slept with Ally before making any type of commitment. What can I say? She's old fashioned.     

"And...I'm quitting."    

Somebody pinch me because I know I did not just hear those words. She has to be joking. There is absolutely no way she'd quit her job. I mean honestly...what does us being together have to do with her job? Hell, I think she'd be even better at it now. There's just no way...this isn't happening.        

"What?"    

"I'm sorry...but, if we're going to be together, I can't be your PA. I wish I could, but I just can't do it. And do you have any idea how much of a shit fit Johnny would throw, if he knew we were dating and working that closely together?"    

"I don't give a shit what he thinks! What the hell, Ally?"    

"I went to the label this afternoon, and talked to Johnny. I'm still going to handle some of your scheduling, but I'll be based out of the label. Trace will take over everything else, but he'll basically be on his own."    

"No." I say simply and her eyes widen a bit.     

"Justin...come on..."    

"I don't get why you think you can't work for me. This is bullshit, Alex."     

I am pissed. No, beyond pissed. How can she do this? I mean honestly, how the fuck can she do this? I saw the fact that she was my PA, as a perk for our relationship. It would give us more than enough time to spend together, and with my schedule picking up soon...that's a big deal. I don't see her getting clingy or anything...but I won't have much time for her pretty soon, and it's going to be her own damn fault.        

She arches an eyebrow and smirks at me. "Yeah...because it worked so well the last time you got involved with someone who was working for you."    

Ok...so she has a point. A few years back, I was casually dating one of my dancers. It was all smooth sailing for awhile, but as usual, she got clingy and demanding...and I just couldn't give her what she wanted.     

Once the relationship went down the toilet, there was a lot of fighting, which cause nothing bit problems for the shows. We eventually had to fire her.     

But, Ally has to know this is different. You can't even really compare the two situations.     

"Come on...that was nothing like this." I frown and she rolls her eyes.     

"I know it's not exactly the same. I just think this would be better in the long run. Besides...if I'm wrong, I can always come back, right?"    

"Course." I shrug and she smiles brightly.    

"So...you're ok with everything then?"    

"Yeah...I guess so." I smile as she gets out of her chair and throws her arms around my neck.    I guess if it comes down to choosing between keeping my PA, or being with her...it's really not such a big deal. There could always be a bigger issue at hand.     

Besides...Trace did it all on his own before, so it's not going to kill him to do it again.    

I'm not exactly happy about it, and don't particularly like it, but she has to be worth it, right?

"So Small"-Carrie Underwood