Have you ever thought you had things figured out in your head, but when you were put into the actually situation you realized maybe you were wrong?

That’s kind of how I feel right now.

This afternoon, when Justin told me he loved me again, I didn’t know what to do, so I did what I had to and stepped away from the situation. The whole time I was shopping, it was all I could think about. I kept thinking, why aren’t we together? I mean we both love each other and it’s not like he didn’t apologize for what he said. What’s holding us back?

I had an amazing time with Mackenzie and I couldn’t help thinking that I may not get this chance to hang out with her again. I walked away from her father and he may not want me to spend time with her again.

It was then I realized that maybe I should give him another chance. I want to be a part of her life and being a part of Justin’s life wouldn’t be so bad either. I know it would make me happy again.

Then we got back to his house and we actually got along. It was just like old times, laughing and smiling, just having a good time together. My heart felt normal again, like all the pieces had been put back together. Watching Mackenzie strut her stuff through the living room like she was a supermodel… it was incredible.

I don’t know what happened after that. I mean, I remember him telling me he wants me to be happy and everything, but I just don’t understand my brains reaction to it all. I thought this afternoon I had agreed with myself that I would give it another try, but then he asked me what would make me happy again and I say, I don’t know anymore…

I guess I was right, I’m not exactly sure what does make me happy anymore, because I haven’t been happy in a while. Maybe I’m just scared. I mean I have been in some shitty relationships. I guess that’s my brain’s way of telling me, don’t bother, you’ll just get hurt again.

My heart doesn’t think that’s the case though.

Through the years I’ve realized I’ve always gone with my brain on things… well my brain and the crazy little hole between my legs that just happened to flood at the sight of those crazy bastards that fucked with my heart.

Maybe this time I should follow my heart.

************************************************************************

I fucked up again didn’t I?

I really have to learn when to just roll with things and leave things alone.

We were doing great. Laughing, smiling, talking civilly to each other. Then I have to go and bring up the crazy shit surrounding our falling relationship and she’s out the door.

She hasn’t gone far. She’s still sitting in her car in the driveway. She’s turned the engine on and off at least 5 times in the last 20 minutes. I can’t figure out if it’s a good or bad thing yet.

“Where’d Lauren go, Daddy?” Mackenzie asks, making me jump a little.

I turn towards her, blocking her view of the driveway with my body.

“She… uh… She said she needed to go home. She said to say good-bye to you.” I say, smiling.

“What did you say to her?” She asks, crossing her arms across her chest.

I’m about to be lectured by a 6 year old aren’t I?

“Daddy?” She says in a warning tone. “I spent all day with her having fun and you ruin it all? What did you say?”

“Why do you automatically think it was my fault?” I ask, a little insulted

“She left without saying good-bye to me herself… You must have upset her.”

“She could have been in a rush.” I counter.

“Bologna.” She says, throwing me that glare that I thought only teenagers knew how to use… The evil, I’m angry with you stare.

“I took your advice and it backfired.” I say, regretting it the second it came out of my mouth. The last thing I want is for her to think it’s her fault.

“What do you mean?” She asks in a worried tone.

“He didn’t mean anything…” I hear from beside us. We both turn to see Lauren standing there.

“You see the thing about your dad is he tends to say things he doesn’t mean… it’s something he needs to work on.” She says, talking to Mackenzie, but staring straight at me.

“I knew you wouldn’t leave without saying bye to me.” Mackenzie says, smiling.

She drops her gaze from me to look at Mackenzie, “I had fun today and I would love to do it again, but right now do you think I could talk to your dad alone?”

Mackenzie nodded, running towards her to hug her at her waist.

“I’ll be upstairs trying on all my new clothes again.” She says, running up the stairs two steps at a time.

The both of us stood there staring at each other for a few minutes before I cleared my throat and asked her if she wanted to go sit outside and talk. She agreed and I led the way to the back yard. I took a seat in one of the lawn chairs beside the pool, she took the seat next to me.

We sat in silence for a minute before she spoke.

“Please don’t make me regret this.” She whispers, keeping her gaze on the pool.

I turn towards her, a little shocked.

“What does that mean?” I ask.

“You said you wanted me to be happy and you said if I was happy you’d be happy… I uh… I thought about it and I realized I can’t do this. This isn’t making me happy, Justin.”

What ever was left of my heart has just been blown to bits. I know I said I’d be happy if she was, but this hurts like hell. Don’t make me out to be a liar, I do want her to be happy, but it doesn’t necessarily mean I’m going to be happy too.

“Is this what you really want?” I ask, hoping that she’s changed her mind in the last 30 seconds.

“It’s not about what I want, it’s about what I need… I need to be happy. I can’t stand living the way I have been lately.”

“So what do I tell Kenzie? That she can’t see you anymore?” I ask.

“That wouldn’t work.” she says, turning herself in the chair to face me.

I do the same so we’re facing each other, our knees slightly touching.

“Why wouldn’t it?”

“Do you really think that little girl is going to let you keep her from me?” She asks, grabbing my hands, intertwining our fingers together.

“You’re probably right… but I have to tell you that’s just going to make this whole thing harder.” I admit, squeezing her hands with mine.

“Why? I thought the two of you came as a packaged deal.” She says, nibbling on her bottom lip.

I raise an eyebrow at her and shake my head, “I’m confused… I thought you didn’t want to be with me… I thought you just… what the hell did I just miss?”

She laughs, “You took what I said the wrong way.”

“Which one? The fact that I’m not making you happy or that me and Kenzie come as a packaged deal?” I ask, still extremely confused.

“I never said you didn’t make me happy. I said this doesn’t make me happy.”

“And one would think this meant us… together.”

“One would be wrong to think that… Justin I meant us not being together, us fighting and not talking… That’s not making me happy.”

“So does that mean you do want to try… us again?” I ask, clarifying for my own sanity.

“Would you like me to draw you a picture… or would you rather I just kissed you?”

“You could always draw me the picture later, I guess.” I say, smiling.

She laughs, leaning forward, running her hand over my cheek before pressing her lips to mine for the first time in 19 days, too many hours, a shit load of minutes and an outrageous amount of seconds.

My hands automatically go to her face, cupping both sides in my palms. I slide one to the back of her head, gripping a fist full of hair, pulling her closer to me. She smiles against my lips, slowly opening her mouth to grant my tongue some long awaited access to hers.

The way we are leaning across these chairs is starting to cramp my back, so I slowly slide out of the chair and onto my knees between her thighs. I drop one hand down to her waist, pulling her closer to me. She wraps her legs around my waist, trying to pull me in closer to her.

I pull back to get some air, but immediately turn her head slightly to attach my lips to her neck, my hand massaging the back of her head.

“I love you Lauren.” I whisper, kissing my way up her neck to her ear.

“I love you too.”

I pull away to look at her, my hands cupping the sides of her face.

“I can’t tell you how glad I am to hear you say that.” I say, grinning.

“It’s not like it was a secret or anything…” She says, laughing.

I laugh, “So I guess you found out she’s not so good with secrets?”

“I knew she wouldn’t keep that a secret whether she could keep them or not.”

“Then why’d you tell her?”

She shrugs, “She asked.”

I laugh, “So if she asks you what your favorite position during sex is, you’d tell her?”

She laughs, “Well, she has to learn at some point.”

My smile fades and my eyes grow wide, “My daughter is not having sex.”

“Oh, I’m sure she will eventually… hopefully not for at least another 10 years or so.”

“10 Years! How about 20 or 30?”

She laughs, “Is that how old you were?”

I narrow my eyes are her, “That’s different.”

“How?” she asks, laughing again.

“And don’t say because you’re a guy… that in no way makes it different.” she says knowing that’s exactly what I was going to say.

“She’s my daughter and I say when she can have sex and it’s not happening anytime in the next decade that’s for damn sure.”

“Did you tell your parents about having sex before you actually did it or did you just do it?” She asks, laughing again.

“I can’t believe I’m talking about my daughter having sex and she’s only 6. This is just wrong.”

“Have you had the talk about it with her?” she asks, and I’m almost positive I’m going to be sick.

“No and I’m no going to anytime soon either.”

“You probably should… They always say it’s better to start early.”

“I can’t talk about… that with her. I can’t do it. I’d be way too nervous… I’ll leave that for you to do…” I suggest.

“You want me to?” She asks, laughing.

“You’re a girl, it would be easier for you.”

She laughs again, “You’re right it would.”

“You’ll do it?” I ask, a little shocked.

“That depends.”

“On what?”

“On whether or not you feel I’m mother material.”

I sigh, “Lauren, I never meant that. I had nor do I have any reason to believe you wouldn’t make an amazing mom… I’m sorry I said it and there isn’t a part of me that thinks that.”

“I don’t have many role models to go by… My dad died when I was only 19 and my mom was never really around. I honestly don’t know the first thing about parenting.”

“You seemed to know a lot about sexual education a few minutes ago… Baby parenting is something I didn’t think I’d be good at, but I’m doing alright so far… I hope.” I say, laughing.

She laughs with me, “I think you’re doing an amazing job with her.”

“It’s been hard.” I admit.

“I’m sure it has, but I’m sure it’s just one of those things that when you have a child, the parenting part comes naturally with it.”

“Think you can help me out with my crazy little girl?”

“I can certainly try.”

“That’s all I ask.” I say, smiling.

“So… What is your favorite position little lady?” I ask, wiggling my eyebrows at her.

She laughs, “You forget already?”

“Well, I know what positions make you scream, but I’m not sure I actually know your favorite.”

“I’ve never screamed during sex.” She says, shaking her head.

“I could change that for you.” I say, squeezing her ass, making her screech.

“Hmmm I’m sure you could, but I don’t see the point in screaming… It’s bad for your throat… I know it felt good, you know it felt good. What’s the point in the neighbors knowing it felt good?”

“It’ll boost my ego.” I say, laughing.

“Yeah, because that really needs a boost.”

“Hey now, be nice.”

“It’s the truth.” She defends, laughing.

“I missed this.”

“What? Talking about sex?” She asks laughing.

“No see, I miss having sex with you… But I meant I missed just being with you.”

“I missed this too.”

“So are you going to answer the question or am I going to have to just guess?” I ask, grinning.

“Any position with you is my favorite.” She says, grinning at me.

“Good answer, Ms. Decker, good answer.”

“Now… Let’s go have that talk with your daughter.”

“I’m not talking to my daughter about sex.”

She laughs, “Fine then can we at least tell her about us?”

“That I can handle… As long as she doesn’t ask about how we met, then it’s all you.”

She laughs, “I think I would leave that part out, babe.”

“See, I knew there was a reason I wanted you around.”

“It wasn’t at all because your in love with me right?”

“Hmmm, well I guess that could be it.” I say, pressing my lips to hers. “I love you Lauren.”

“And I love you, Justin.” she says, kissing me again.

I could definitely get used to this…