I can’t believe I’m doing this right now. I think I’m going insane. What was I thinking. I can’t do this, it’s too soon. Why would I think I could do this, I mean I could barely think about him earlier without breaking down in sobs.

Justin sits down on the couch, silently tossing my magazine on the table beside him. I can’t seem to move from my position in front of the door. I’m just standing here staring at him fidgeting with his thumbs on the couch.

Why did I agree to do this. I can’t even look at him without wanting to throw-up. This was a bad idea. A really, really bad idea.

“I think this was a bad idea.” I breath out quietly.

His head pops up to look at me. He looks hurt, but I don’t care. At least now he feels a little like I do.

“I think you should go.” I say turning away from him, looking out the window.

I hear him sigh a few times before he stands up from the couch. I watch him walk to the door from the corner of my eye. He pauses in front of the door, staring at it like it’s on wired to blow with even the smallest touch.

“I’m sorry… If I could take it back I would…” He says, staring at the doorknob.

After a few seconds of my silence he sighs, turning the doorknob.

“Why’d you say it?” I ask, tears freely falling down my face.

He let go of the door and faced me. I kept my gaze out the window, but I could see him in the corner of my eye. I watch him scratch the top of his head, before running his hands over his face.

“I was mad.”

“Huh…” I choke out, wiping my hands across my cheeks trying to rid them from the river flowing over them.

“I was mad at the world. I felt like I was being punished and I couldn’t figure out why this was happening to me.” he continues, shaking his head.

“I love Kenz with all my heart and I wouldn’t trade her for the world, but I just don’t get what I did to deserve not knowing her. I still can’t figure it out. I’ve had a daughter for almost 7 years and I just found out 3 weeks ago. That’s really fucked with me and you were right… I shouldn’t have taken it out on you, but you were acting like things had changed between us and I didn’t want that. I wanted us back.”

“Things had changed Justin.” I say, finally turning towards him. “You have a daughter.”

“So you were acting funny because of her.” He says, looking a little hurt.

I shake my head slowly, “No. I told you that last night.”

“Then what happened? You were not the woman I met at Olivia and Derek’s wedding. You weren’t the woman I had talked to every night while I was in Europe. You weren’t… You weren’t the woman I fell in love with.”

If you thought I was crying before, you should see me now. I fall back against the wall, sliding down it slowly, shaking my head.

“Get out.” I choke out between sobs.

“Lauren please don’t do this.” He begs, walking closer to me.

“I said get out.” I say through clenched teeth.

He just stares at me, blinking back tears.

“Get out!” I yell.

“Get out! Get out! Get away from me.” I scream as he tries to get closer to me again.

He kneels down in front of me as I continue to scream for him to leave me alone, trembling and crying.

“I can’t leave you… Please stop… Lauren please don’t do this. I love you and I know you fee…”

“I said get out!” I yell pushing his chest with every word.

He grabs my arms as I try to hit him harder.

“Stop it Lauren… Don’t do this.” he says, ultimately letting the tears fall down his face.

That just makes me cry harder. I try with all my might to push him away from me as the door flies open. I find my opening to push him away as he turns to see who it was at the door. He stumbles back, losing his balance, catching himself on the side table.

“Fuck.” He mumbles, grabbing his arm.

“J your bleeding man.” Mike says walking over towards him.

“I don’t care.” He groans, pushing him away, wiping his arm on his pants, leaving a large blood streak down his thigh.

“Get the fuck out of my office.” Ryan yells at the two of them.

Justin just stares at me through bloodshot eyes, not moving.

Ryan walks over to him, throwing him up against the wall making me screech at the noise.

“I said get the fuck out of my office.” Ryan says, repeating himself.

Justin keeps his gaze on me for a minute before turning to look at Ryan.

“Get out man.” Ryan says, easing up a little.

I know this is tough on him too. He and Justin had been attached at the hip for weeks and this can’t be easy on him.

Justin just stares at Ryan, like he’s waiting for something.

“You tried man…”Ryan started, trailing off.

“I need more time with her.” He pleads with him.

“Your times up.” Ryan says flatly.

Justin takes a deep breath, throwing his head down. Out of no where he rams Ryan backwards. Ryan stumbles back, but catches his self. Justin stands there weakly looking at Ryan just waiting for him to hit him. It’s like he really wants him to do it.

I watch Ryan’s face start to boil and I know he’s about to go for it.

“Ryan don’t!” I yell just as he takes a swing at Justin’s face.

I watch the scene like it was playing in slow motion. Ryan’s fist hit Justin in the eye, sending a loud smack echoing through the room. Justin’s face slowly rotates to the left as he stumbles back against Mike. Ryan throws another fist, this time hitting him in the jaw.

“Ryan stop it!” I scream over and over as he lets out his aggression on Justin and he just lays there taking it.

“Ryan stop… Please stop… Mike pull him away from him.” I scream, keeping my distance from Ryan’s swinging arm.

Mike finally regains control, pulling Ryan away from Justin, holding him against the opposite wall. I sit there on the floor in shock.

What the hell just happened?

I glare over at Ryan, who is finally coming to his senses. He face looks pained, almost like it hurt him more to hit him than it did for Justin to get hit.

I turn towards Justin and gasp out loud at what I see. He’s kneeling on the floor on all fours, bleeding from his nose and mouth. It’s not a small trickle of blood either, it’s just short of gushing. He keeps coughing up blood from the few blows to his stomach, spitting the blood on the floor in front of him.

“Oh my god.” I gasp, seeing the blood fly from his mouth.

He slowly pulls his head up to look at me and I can tell it hurts like hell to do it, but he does anyways. I watch his eyes start to water again. Even through the swelling that’s already started to form around his eye, I can see the pain in them. He mouths, ‘I’m sorry’ before slowly making his way up to his feet, using the wall for support, groaning from all the pain.

He walks towards the door, stopping in front of Ryan and Mike.

“I’m sor…” Ryan starts, tearing up himself looking at what he’s done.

“Thank you.” Justin interrupts him, before walking out of the room and down the hall.

I start breathing heavily, quickly swallowing down the feeling to throw-up.

“He… he needs to go to… to the hospital… Mike you need to get him to a hospital.” I choke out between crying spurts.

Mike releases his hold on Ryan and he drops to the floor at Mike’s feet, staring down at his bloody knuckles.

“Are you ok?” He asks looking towards me.

“Get him to a hospital.” I say before crawling over towards Ryan, grabbing against me to rock us both back and forth.

************************************************************************

I grab my phone off the coffee table, flipping it open.

“Hello?”

“How’s my favorite girl in the entire world doing today?” I hear come through the phone.

I sigh with a smile, “I’m doing alright, How’s my favorite girl in the world doing?” I ask.

“I’d be better if you would come out to lunch with me today…” She says, and you can tell she’s biting her bottom lip in anticipation of my answer.

“I don’t know Livy… I’m not really in the mood to go anywhere.”

She sighs, “It’s been 2 weeks Lauren… I know it sucks, but you can’t do this to yourself anymore. I miss my best friend.”

“I miss you too.” I say honestly.

“Then please just have lunch with me today, I need a break from work and I really want to see you. My treat. Please…” She begs.

I sigh, “Ok… Where you thinking?”

“There’s this new deli down the street from my office. It’s supposed to have the best sandwiches in the world. I figured we could be the judge of that.”

“Ok… How about I’ll meet you there…” I pause to glance at the clock, “In an hour.”

“2 it is. I can’t wait.” She says with a squeal.

I laugh, “I’ll see you in a little bit Liv.”

“I’ll see you later babe.” She says hanging up.

I force myself off the couch to go get ready. I shower, throw some make-up on, spritz some spray in my hair to give it some waves, throw a pair of jeans and a fitted tank top on. I grab my purse, sliding my shoes on and make my way out the door.

I get there a few minutes before 2 so I wait in the car for her to show up. She rolls in a few spots down from me exactly at 2. She jumps out of her car, slamming the door as she runs towards me, grabbing me into a tight hug.

“God I missed you.” She says hugging me tighter.

“I missed you too sweetie.” I say, giving her a weak smile as she pulls away.

“I’m going to put a real smile on your face before this lunch break is over.” She says, smiling.

“I’m sure you will.”

We walk in to the deli together stopping in front of the board that reads the days specials.

“Ooh that sounds good…” Olivia says walking past the sign, straight to the worker behind the bar.

I shake my head, laughing, as I follow to place my order with hers. We grab our food and drinks, sitting down at one of the booths.

“Holy crap, they weren’t kidding. This sandwich is amazing… It almost makes me want to… Ugh… Oh god this… this is soo… Ugh…” Olivia starts mimicking Meg Ryan’s moans from When Harry Met Sally.

I can’t help but laugh. She stops, cracking herself up. She stops and watches me laugh for a minute.

“What?” I ask.

“It’s good to see you smiling again.” She says grinning at me.

“It’s good to smile again… Laugh too.” I say smiling genuinely at her.

“Thank you Livy. I needed this.” I say taking another bite from this outrageously overpriced, but insanely good sandwich.

“My pleasure darlin’.” She says laughing.

We talked for an hour, just catching up on each other’s lives, not that she had much catching up to do on mine, but it was nice to hear about her life.

“I’m going to go grab another drink to bring back to the office, I’ll be right back.”

“Ok, I’ll go toss this stuff.” I say picking up our trash, making my way to the trash cans.

“Hi.” I hear from behind me and I’m pretty sure my heart just stopped beating.

I drop the wrappers into the trash, very slowly turning towards the voice, only confirming my fears.

“Hey.” I say, forcing a smile.

“I’m not here with my dad, so you don’t have to worry.” She says biting her lower lip.

“Uncle Trace told me to tell you that.” She whispers to me.

I nod, glancing around the room. I spot Trace waiting for the sandwiches at the counter with Livy right behind him getting ready to pay. How does she not see him. He smiles at me, but it’s more of a sad smile than anything else.

I look back down at Mackenzie and my eyes start to glaze over. I think she notices because she starts to fidget.

“I just wanted to come say hi. I haven’t seen you in a while and I figured since you were here I could say hi, because I don’t think you’ll be coming back to the house anytime soon.”

“Why do you think that?”

“Because you haven’t been there since you first met me.”

Oh god…

“Sweetie that’s not in anyway your fault, you know that right?” I ask, kneeling down to be eye level with her.

She shrugs, looking at me through sad eyes.

“Mackenzie…” I start, but stop to sigh.

How do you explain this to a 6 year old?

“Honey, this thing between your dad and me has nothing to do with you. You need to know that.”

“But you guys were fine before I came along.” She says, looking at the ground.

I pull her face up to face mine, “Mackenzie, what happened was not your fault. I don’t know what your dad told you, but believe me this had nothing to do with you. You’re an amazing little girl and I’d love to have spent some time with you, but things happened and your dad and I just… I don’t know we just had a falling out. It wasn’t your fault. Please don’t beat yourself up over this. I promise you it had absolutely nothing to do with you.”

“Daddy says it was his fault, but I don’t believe him.” She says quietly.

“He’s wrong.” I say quietly back to her.

She looks at me funny and I shrug, “It wasn’t anyone’s fault…” I tell her.

“It has to be someone’s fault.” She says, confused.

“Then it was both of us. You dad said some things he didn’t mean and I… I didn’t tell him things I should have.”

“You kept a secret?” She asks smiling, “Can you tell me?”

I chuckle, “I guess I could…”

“Please. I wont tell I promise.” She says smiling from ear to ear.

“I never told him I loved him.” I admit for the first time out loud.

She looks at me like I’m crazy.

“What?” I ask laughing at her face.

“If you love him and he loves you, why aren’t you together?” She asks with he hands on her hips.

“What makes you think he loves me?” I ask, laughing at her body language.

“He tells me everyday… I listen to him tell Uncle Trace all the time too. He keeps saying, ‘I screwed up… how could I screw up with her… I love her… I can’t stop thinking about her…” She says, making ‘love’ faces with each line.

“It’s all he talks about… If he’s not talking about how much he screwed up and how much he loves and misses you he’s…” She leans in to whisper the last part, “Crying.”

“Why’s he doing that?” I ask, biting my lower lip.

“He really misses you.”

“Hey Mac you ready to go?” Trace says, walking up behind her.

I stand back up, forcing a smile towards him.

“Hey L.” He says in a sad tone.

“Hey T.” I say mimicking his tone.

He sighs, looking back down at Mackenzie, “You ready?” He asks again.

She looks at me before turning back to Trace, “I guess so.”

“Ok… It was nice seeing you L…” he says, sighing again.

“You too… And you.” I start, crouching back down to her level, “Remember what I said. I would never lie to you and neither would your dad. This isn’t your fault. I promise.”

“On my life?” she asks biting her bottom lip again.

“On yours, mine, my families, Traces… your dads… Everything and everyone. I wouldn’t lie to you.” I say taking her hand in mine.

“Ok… This sucks.” She says sighing loudly.

Trace laughs, “What sucks?”

“Dad brings home the coolest and nicest girl that I’ve ever met and then ‘things happen’” She says throwing up finger quotes, “and now I can’t ever see her again… I’m stuck with you and Daddy all the time… I just wish I had some girls around.” She says looking up at him.

I slam my eyes shut, fighting back the tears threatening to spill. I open them to see Trace looking at me, asking me for help.

“Honey if things were different I would love to be with you.”

“But they aren’t and I’m still stuck with them… It’s ok I guess… I spent most my life with my mom… Now it’s dad’s turn right?” She says shrugging it off, acting like she isn’t upset, but I know she really is.

“Hey, who’s this?” Olivia asks, walking up beside me.

“Uh…” I start… I thought she knew Trace… I guess not.

“This is uh… This is Mackenzie… Justin’s daughter and this is Trace his friend.” I say, closing my eyes turning towards her.

“Oh.” She says, eyes growing wide.

“We should get back. I’m sure he’s wondering what’s taking so long.” Trace says, trying to pull Mackenzie out of the deli.

“Wait… Can you take me shopping sometime?” She asks with a pleading face. “Please.”

I look at Trace this time asking for his help. He shrugs, shaking his head.

“Honey that’s up to your dad not me.” I tell her sadly.

She sighs, nodding her head, slowly walking away from me and out the door.

I let a few tears fall down my cheek, “I’m sorry… Tell her I’m sorry. Please.” I plead with Trace and he nods, giving me a hug.

“I miss you L.” he whispers before pulling away.

“Me too.” I say smiling. I could tell he wanted to talk about him, but was fighting with himself on whether or not he should.

“I should go…” he says, walking out the door.

I think I’m going to be sick…