It’s been a rough couple of weeks.

After the episode with Ryan at his office, I’ve kept to myself mostly. I haven’t gone out of the house except for twice to help Tim out in the studio and I barely take phone calls anymore. Trace and my mom are starting to get worried, I can tell. They get that worried look on there face every time I walk in to the room.

I’m starting to get sick of it.

My face still has a few bruises, but it’s healing pretty well. I had some severe damage to my cheek bone, but nothing that wouldn’t heal on it’s own. It’s actually starting to look normal again, which is making me feel worse. At least before I could look in the mirror and know that I punished for what I did to Lauren. Now that it’s going away I feel like I got off easy.

Mackenzie and I were watching Aladdin the other day and I couldn’t help but wish that I could have a magic genie that could grant me 3 wishes.

My first wish would be that Kenzie’s mother wouldn’t have kept her from me.

My second wish would be that I could do what I love to do, but still have a normal life without being followed all the time or have my life plastered all over the papers and on TV.

My third wish would be for Lauren and for her to be happy. Her being happy would hopefully be with me, but if not, I at least want to know she’s happy.

From what I’ve heard from the receptionist at the studio, she’s not happy, quite the opposite actually. Holly told me she’s miserable. Yeah that really boosted my ‘happy’ mood.

“Daddy, we’re back!” Mackenzie yells, running through the door into the kitchen.

“Hey baby girl.” I say smiling down at her as she grabs me for a hug.

“Can I go shopping one day with Lauren?” She asks.

I pretty sure my heart just stopped beating. I look over towards Trace with wide eyes.

“We saw Lauren at the deli today.” He says quietly, answering my unspoken question.

“Umm… I uh… Did she… What happened?” I stutter, trying to find words.

“Daddy, she says it wasn’t your fault and that it was no ones fault, but then I said that can’t be true so she said that it was both of your faults and I asked her if I could go shopping with her because she has awesome fashion sense and she was a model so she knows about those things and she said that was up to you so that’s why I’m asking. Can you call her and tell it’s ok so I can go. Please daddy… I really want to go shopping with her. I want to be her friend. Please daddy.” She spits out in record time.

I shake my head trying to let it all register.

My daughter wants to go shopping with Lauren and Lauren wants to take her.

That’s not at all weird…

“I’m confused. Did Lauren really want to take you?” I ask, looking back and forth between Trace and Kenzie.

She nods quickly, “Yeah, she said she’d love to spend time with me, but that was up to you not her… Please let me daddy I really want to spend time with a girl again.”

“Umm… Kenz I’m going to have to think about this ok? Why don’t you go eat in the dining room… We’ll be right there.”

She sighs, “Your not going to let me are you?” She asks, shaking her head, stomping off to the dining room.

I turn back towards Trace, “What the hell just happened?”

“We were ordering the sandwiches when Mac saw L and her friend Olivia eating. I told her not to bother her, but when L went to throw her trash away Mac went over to say hi to her. I don’t know what they talked about, but I know that Mac is upset she doesn’t have any females around. She asked L to take her shopping which made L extremely upset that she couldn’t. She told her that was up to you and Mac walked out really upset… Lauren cried… We hugged and I left. That’s all.”

“So Lauren wanted to take her shopping?” I ask, still a little confused.

“She was upset she couldn’t say yes to her. I don’t know if it’s because she felt bad for Mac or if she really wanted to. My guess is a little of both.” Trace says, shrugging.

“This is insane.” I say shaking my head.

“I know. I told her not to bring it up.” Trace says sighing.

“No, it’s ok.”

“She told me you said things you shouldn’t have and she kept a secret from you.” Mackenzie says from the doorway.

I turn to look at her.

“What did you say to her?” She asks with watery eyes. “What did you say to make her go away?”

My heart sank. I not only fucked my life up… I’ve gone and fucked her up too. I’m not doing so well with this whole father business.

“Baby, people say things when they get mad. Things they don’t mean. What I said doesn’t matter, it’s the fact I said them and I hurt her in the process.” I explain, crouching down to her level.

“But she kept a secret from you. Doesn’t that make you even?” She asks, with hopeful wide eyes.

“I don’t know what secret she kept from me so I can’t really te…”

“I know.” She says, interrupting me.

“You do?” I ask, with a raised eyebrow.

“mmhmm. She told me.” she says grinning. “She told me that she…”

“If it’s a secret you shouldn’t tell me.” I reluctantly say. I would give my right arm to know, but I know that’s not the right thing to do.

“But it could change everything.” She says whining.

“It’s still not your secret to tell Mackenzie.” I say, sighing.

“It’s not even really a secret… I wouldn’t consider it a secret… It’s something you should know and I think I should be able to tell you.” She says, acting a little too much older than she really is.

“Mackenzie, if she called it a secret, then she wants it to be a secret.”

“It was because of a lack of a better word…”

I laugh, “How old are you again?”

“Daddy, she loves you and you love her. Why can’t you two talk and be together again?”

“We tried talking. Honey believe me I tried talk… Wait what did you just say?”

“I said she loves you and you love her.” She says again.

“She what?” I ask in disbelief.

“She told me she did. That’s what she never told you.” She explains.

“This can’t be happening right now.” I say, standing back up, pacing the room.

“Daddy, call her please. At least call her and tell her you love her. Maybe she’ll finally tell you and this will all be over and I can go shopping with her.”

“It’s not that easy Mac. I know you want your Dad and Lauren to be together, but it’s a little more complicated than that.” Trace interjects, trying to help me out a little.

“How do you know? It’s worth a shot right? Please daddy.” She begs again.

“I don’t want to talk about this anymore… I’ll let you go shopping with her, but your calling her… her number’s in my phone.” I say, pointing towards the phone on the counter.

She skips over to it, smiling as she scrolls through the names in my phone. She finally puts the phone up to her ear.

“Hi Lauren, it’s me.” She says, smiling from ear to ear.

“Yes he’s right here. He knows I’m calling you… Yeah… I asked him if I could go shopping with you and he said it’s ok if you really are ok with it… Really? YES! Thank you, Thank you , Thank you! Ok… Umm hold on.”

“She wants to know if she should come here or if Trace can drop me off at her house.” She says, placing the phone against her shirt.

“Either one is fine.” I say.

“I have to meet someone in 20 minutes.” Trace says, breaking those plans.

She lifts the phone back up to her ear, “I guess it would be better for you to come here… OK I’ll be ready. Thank you. Bye, Bye.” She says hanging up, before I can protest.

“She’s coming here?” Trace and I ask at the same time.

She nods, skipping off up to her room to change.

“Do you want me to stay?” Trace asks, looking a little worried.

I shake my head, “No… No I can handle this.” I say, trying to convince myself that I really can.

Trace grabbed his sandwich and took off to meet whoever he was meeting. Mackenzie got changed and ran down the stairs with a huge grin on her face. She’s so happy. She opened the door and sat down on the front steps.

“What are you doing?” I ask, sitting down next to her.

“I’m waiting for Lauren. Duh.” She says laughing.

“Why are you waiting out here?” I ask.

“Because I’m excited and I can see her coming down the road from here.” She says, grinning at me.

“Do you want me to wait with you?” I ask, hoping she’d say yes.

“You don’t have to.” She says staring down the road in search of Lauren’s car.

“Do you want some money?” I ask, a little shocked she hadn’t asked.

“Really?” She says with wide eyes.

“What do you mean really… You’re going shopping, don’t you need money?” I ask, chuckling.

“Thank you!” She says giving me a hug.

I grab my wallet as Lauren drives up the driveway. Kenzie sets off running towards her, jumping on her when she steps out of the car. I stand up and start walking down towards them.

“Hey Kenz, you forgot your money.”

“She doesn’t need money, I can take care of it.” Lauren says smiling down at Mackenzie.

“No.” I say a little shocked she would even say that.

She laughs a little, “I can afford it Justin, don’t worry about it… Come on sweetie, hop in.”

“Kenzie.” I say sternly. She stops and runs back over to me.

She wraps her arms around my waist, “Love you Daddy.”

“I love you too baby, have fun.” She runs off and jumps in the car, slamming the door shut.

“Lauren, please take the money.” I say as she starts to open her door.

“Look… I want to do this. It’s the least I can do for her right now. She doesn’t understand what happened and she’s hurt… Let me do this for her, just this once. Please.” She says, biting her lower lip.

“Ok.”

“Thank you… You look good… How are you?” She asks nervously.

“I’m ok… Bruises are fading faster than I’d like them to.”

“Have you talked to Ryan?” She asks, nervously again.

“No… Why wouldn’t you know that?” I ask, wondering why she couldn’t ask him that.

“Ryan wont talk to me right now… He’s angry at himself for what he did to you.”

“I deserved it.”

“No one deserves that.”

“I hurt you Lauren. The pain I went through wasn’t even close to making us equal. I deserve worse.”

“I should go.” She says, turning back towards the car.

“I meant what I said that day.” I blurt out, making her freeze in place.

“I love you Lauren. I’ll always love you… I’m sorry for everything.”

She stands there for another second before she opens the car door and getting in. I watch her back out of the driveway and down the road before I let the tears fall down my face.

I need to learn to shut my mouth.

************************************************************************

“Daddy we’re back!” Mackenzie yells from the front door.

I walk down the stairs, a little shocked to see Lauren standing there with her.

“He baby girl… You have fun?” I ask as she hugs me around my waist.

“Yeah! You wanna see what I got?” She asks all but jumping up and down with excitement.

“You know I do.” I say, grinning down at her.

“Why don’t you model it for him.” Lauren suggests, handing her one of the many bags.

“Good idea… You guys go sit in the living room and I’ll model them for you.”

“Alright, we get front row seats at a fashion show. I like it.” I say laughing.

Mackenzie takes off running to the bathroom with a bunch of bags, slamming the door behind her.

“We should go sit before she comes out.” Lauren says, smiling at me.

I nod, moving to the side to let her go by me into the living room. We decide to move the coffee table off to the side so she has room to walk the catwalk. We both sat down on the couch just as she rounded the corner with her first outfit.

She walked down the room in front of us, doing a few turns along the way before walking back to the bathroom to change. Lauren and I made comments, and we clapped and laughed while she did her thing.

This went on for a good hour. I can’t believe how much clothes she got. She can’t possible wear all that before she outgrows them.

“Wow you guys went all out didn’t you?” I ask laughing at the two of them. “I have to owe you money now.”

Lauren and Mackenzie laugh, “I told you he’d say that… Actually I got a bunch of it for free. I used my store credits for her. The stores give me free clothes all the time and I don’t need anything right now, so I got some for her instead.”

“You said thank you right?” I ask Mackenzie.

“Of course I did.” She defends herself.

I look at Lauren for verification.

“She did… More than once for each outfit actually.” She says laughing.

“Good… Why don’t you take the bags up to your room.”

“Ok… Thank you again Lauren… I had so much fun.” She says, hugging her.

“I had fun too… We’ll have to do it again sometime… Maybe we can go shoe shopping next time.”

“YES!” Mackenzie yells, grabbing a bunch of bags and running up the stairs.

“Thank you Lauren. I really appreciate it.” I say, smiling at her.

“I had fun. You were right, she is amazing. You got lucky with her.”

“I did didn’t I?”

She nods, smiling at me.

I can’t help but stare at her. I haven’t seen her face in a couple of weeks and I’m finally really getting to look at it. I can’t tell you how much I’ve missed her. My body aches for her My heart aches for her.

“What?” She asks, her smile fading.

“I miss your smile.” I admit.

“I miss smiling.” She says seriously.

“I’m sorry Lauren… For everything. I know it’s not good enough, but I’m sorry.” I say, taking her hand in mine.

She glares down and just stares at our hands intertwined together.

“I love you Lauren and I want you to be happy. If you being happy means us not being together, than that’s what I want… As much as it hurts, I just want you to be happy. Tell me what would make you happy again.”

Never taking her eyes off our hands, she sighs. “I don’t know anymore.” She whispers.

“I should go… Tell Mackenzie I said bye for me, please.” She says, pulling her hand away and standing up.

“Yeah.” I whisper, watching her walk out of the house.