"Amanda," he said gently as he placed his hands on her shoulders. She turned just as a tear fell down her cheek. "Baby, what's wrong," JC asked, his voice filled with concern.
"JC, I can't accept these," she said as she looked at her feet, another tear falling.
"Why not, I want you to have these. You'll look great," he said as he pulled her close.
"JC, please don't," she said as she pushed away from him. "I just can't."
"Why, I don't understand," he replied calmly, trying to keep any frustration out of his voice. He didn't want to upset her more.
She turned to him. He saw her eyes were already red from the tears she cried. "I just can't," was all she said.
"Amanda, if we're going to make this work, we're going to have to communicate better than we are now," he answered as he went and sat on the bed. She was leaning against the opposite wall.
"I can't because stuff like this makes me feel this small," she said as she held up her right hand. Her index finger and her thumb an inch apart.
"Why does this make you feel less of a person," JC probed, a bit of confusion in his voice. The last thing he wanted was to make her feel bad.
"Because, I can't buy you anything that compares to this," she said as she waved her hand towards the clothes. "As much as I say it's not about the money, it is. You have it, and I don't, and I feel inferior when you do things like this because I can't buy you anything like a car or jewelry or a designer wardrobe." The tears were flowing freely. "All I can do is love you," she said as he walked over to her.
"Amanda, I don't want anything from you but your love," he said as he pulled her close again, and this time, instead of rejecting him, she wrapped her arms tightly around his waist and buried her head into his chest. He didn't say anything for a moment as he kissed the top of her head and stroked her hair several times. "I was raised to believe you showed love by using both words and tokens. When Heather, Tyler and I were younger, we were always giving my parents drawings or crafts, even rocks or seashells we found while on vacation. As we got older and we had our own money and less time for making stuff, we moved to buying things. But even with all we gave, we said 'I love you' ten times more often," he explained. Amanda lifted her head from his chest, her tears subsiding, and looked up at him. "I truly did not mean to make you feel bad with these things, I swear," he said as he gently kissed her forehead.
"But Gentian said that you practically refused to buy any of your last girlfriends anything."
"That's true," he answered. She opened her mouth as to say something, but JC cut her off. "I refused because they were asking me to do something instead of letting me do it on my own."
"Oh," was her reply.
"But if it makes you this upset, I won't buy you anything else," he assured her.
"No, I can't ask you to do that anymore. I'd be trying to change you and I can't do that. Just…," she paused as she tried to find the right words. He waited patiently. "…just slow down. Let me get my head around all this. The relationship, and the presents, and this trip, and what happened last night are a bit overwhelming all at the same time," she said and looked him in the eye. "Does that make any sense?"
"Perfect," he replied and kissed her gently. It was a quiet soothing kiss. "So, how about that movie," he said quietly a minute later.
"Yeah, let me change," she said as she pulled from his embrace. She grabbed a change of clothes while he headed to the living room to find a movie on TV.
A few minutes later, after changing into pajama bottoms and tank top and washing her tear stained face, she walked to the living room, only to stop at the doorway. She watched JC as he concentrated on finding a movie. He had taken his shoes and socks off and had his bare feet propped on the coffee table. He had also removed the button up shirt he wore, leaving a plain white tee shirt that was just long enough to reach the top of his jeans. He was absentmindedly running his right hand through his hair as he scrolled through the movie menu on the television.
"Is Coke ok with you," she asked as she walked to the small refrigerator and grabbed a soda. He nodded and she grabbed one for him too as well as several packs of candy. "Ooo, Harry Potter, let's watch that," she said as she walked over to the couch.
"It's a kids movie." She stuck her tongue out at him. He smirked slightly. "How about The Mothman Prophecies?"
"No," she said as she looked for another option. "Vanilla Sky?"
He thought for a moment. "Cameron Diaz? Sure," he said as she sat down next to him and laid her head at the base of his shoulder and wrapped an arm around his waist. He wrapped his arms around her and held her tightly.
"It's all about Tom," she said with a smile. "Now, play the movie," she said with a laugh.
At first, neither of them said anything as they concentrated on the movie, but after an hour, Amanda spoke. "Ok, I'm not understanding this," she said as she looked up at JC.
He let out a sigh of relief. "Ok, good, I thought I was the only one," he said with a chuckle as he turned off the TV. "Now what?"
A scowl crossed Amanda's face as she untangled herself from JC. She wanted to ask him something but didn't know if it was the right time or place.
"What is it," he asked her as he took one of her hands in his.
"I don't want to beat a dead horse, but I've got to ask something about last night," she said pensively.
"You can ask me anything you want whenever," he said as he ran his thumb lightly over the hand he held.
"Last night you said you wanted to wait because you had rushed into sex too many times before," she started. He nodded. "Well, then why did you have a condom with you in the first place and why did you let it go as far as we got," she asked. Her tone was sincere, not accusatory.
He studied the hem of his jeans as he thought for a moment, trying to find the right words. He looked up and spoke. "I've always carried a condom with me everywhere I've gone for a long time. And it's not because I expect to constantly be in situations where I need one; it's because I made a mistake a long time ago. And I never meant for last night to go as far as it did. We were caught up in the moment. And these two things go hand in hand," he started to explain.
"Several girlfriends ago, we got caught up in the moment and, against my better judgment, we had sex without a condom. We thought we'd be ok because she was on the pill." He took a deep breath and ran his hand through his hair. "Well, five weeks later, she told me she thought she was pregnant. And we did the home pregnancy test, and it confirmed her suspicions. Right away, she wanted to abort the baby. But I rejected the idea. It's against everything I believe in. I told her I'd be there through out the pregnancy, I'd support her, and if she didn't want to give the baby up for adoption, I'd take care of it." Amanda could see the emotion in his face. This was a story she knew nothing about and wondered how long it had been. "Well, she agreed, so I thought. But three weeks later, she said she had a miscarriage. While on one hand I was relieved, I was also upset that my child was gone." A tear slipped down his cheek and Amanda reached out and wiped it away. "A couple weeks later, I was looking for something in her purse, a piece of yellow paper she needed me to get for something. And so I grabbed the first yellow piece I found and unfolded it. It was a procedure sheet from the local women's clinic. The diagnosis: unwanted pregnancy. The procedure: elective termination of a first trimester pregnancy. I was crushed." More tears slipped down his cheeks. "And I confronted her about it the next day. She said she had done it because she loved me because the group was just forming and she knew I couldn't take care of it. She thought I was upset because she lied to me, and that wasn't it. I was upset because that could have been me. I was an unwanted pregnancy that was given up for adoption. What would have happened if I had been aborted? Ya know? And, while I don't thing about the baby nearly as often as I did, I still wonder about him or her. What would he have looked like? What would her interests be? Would he like music and performing? Would she look like her mother or me? But mostly I think about the love I missed out on and wonder if I will ever be able to tell him or her that I'm sorry I couldn't have stopped what happened." He let go of Amanda's hand and wiped the tears from his eyes. "And so I never have to go through that again, I've always carried protection with me."
Amanda grabbed his hand and gently kissed the top of it. "JC, I'm sorry," was all she could think of to say.
He reached out and pulled her back in his arms. "You have nothing to be sorry about," he said softly. "Thank you for listening."
"Well, it's not like I had a choice, this is my hotel room, it's not like I could leave," she said with a faint smile. He chuckled at her attempt at humor. "But JC," she started.
"Yeah," he said as he looked down at her.
"Seriously, thank you for sharing this with me," she said as she snuggled deeper into his body.
He didn't respond verbally, but she felt his body relax. They stayed like that for a few minutes. And he spoke. "Can I ask you a question about last night?"
"Sure," she replied.
"When we stopped, I think I saw a flash of relief cross your face…"
"You did," she answered.
"Why?"
She took a deep breath. It was time now to bare her soul. "Because, that would have been my first time." She watched a look of shock cross his face and then confusion.
He asked the first thought that crossed his mind, "Why have you waited this long?"
"It's my upbringing. You do not have sex before marriage," she answered.
"Then why…," he started to ask.
"Because, like you, I was caught up in the moment," she started. She then quietly added, "And, while I can't explain why I thought this since you've never done anything to make me believe this, I thought that's what you wanted and if we didn't, you wouldn't like me anymore."
"Oh, babe," was his response. He raised her chin and looked her in the eye. "The last thing I want to do is pressure you into anything," he said sincerely. "And if you want to wait till our wedding night, then I will wait."
"Thank you," she said as she moved to kiss him. Just before their lips touched, she said, “And what makes you think we're going to get married," she asked with laughter in her voice just before his lips captured hers.
