Hi everyone,
Once again, thank you for reading. Please let me know what you think. I do take feedback into consideration when writing future chapters.
Thanks!!
-me
Chapter 25
Amanda was groggy from sleep and foggy from the pain medication when they arrived at JC’s house. There was a flurry of activity as they walked into the house. Several of JC’s friends were there to welcome him home. Everyone was asking questions of him and Amanda which JC mostly answered. Brianna was toddling around laughing and squealing at everything including Hodge and Podge while she chased the animals around the kitchen. Tyler and Chris were cracking jokes left and right. Karen and Heather were busy making sandwiches for everyone. Gen was over in a corner talking animatedly with Kelly.
Amanda sat at the kitchen table with her leg propped up and stared at the happy chaos. She’d only taken a couple of bites of the lunch on the plate in front of her, she didn’t have an appetite. Even with sitting in the large kitchen next to a wall of windows over looking an expansive back yard and large lake, she suddenly felt claustrophobic with all the activity around her. Her hands went cold and clammy, she felt her face flush and sick to her stomach, her breathing became shallow and rapid. She looked for the easiest and quickest exit possible. She stood up and made her way to a hallway off the kitchen. She went as far as she could as quickly as she could on crutches.Finding a powder room towards the end of the hallway, she stepped inside and shut the door. She leaned against the door and tried to calm her breathing and the nausea she was feeling. It didn’t work and she barely had time to reach the toilet before she threw up. She braced her hands against the toilet tank for support as she continued to heave for several minutes. Once she felt it was safe to stand up, she moved to the pedestal sink and splashed cool water on her face and rinsed out her mouth.
She looked up and was startled by the image staring back at her in the mirror. She barely recognized herself. She had no color in her face and dark circles under her eyes. Her green eyes that were normally clear, bright and dancing with life were red rimmed, dull and listless. She had lost weight as evidenced by the track pants that hung much lower on her hips than normal. Her hair also hung stringy, limp and lifeless. She didn’t know how JC had wanted to kiss her that morning with the way she looked.
A knock came at the door. “Amanda, are you in there?”
A tear slipped down her cheek as she heard the worry in JC’s voice. She brushed it away as she opened the door. She looked up JC and fought not to cry when she saw the concern in his face when he looked at her. She reached out to him and he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close. She buried her head into his shoulder. Another tear trickled down her cheek. And another. And another. He held her tight. “It’s going to be alright. Let’s get you to bed,” he said as he led her to the guest bedroom at the end of the hall.
He pulled the covers down on the bed as she stripped down to a cami and boy shorts. He helped her into the high bed and placed pillows under her knee to keep it elevated. “Just sleep, you’ll feel better,” he said as he pulled the covers over her. He leaned over and kissed her on the forehead.
She grabbed his hand as he turned to leave. “JC, thank you,” she said. “I love you.”
His heart broke at the sight of her laying there so vulnerable. “I love you too. Now get some sleep,” he said as he kissed the palm of her hand and ran his hand lightly over her cheek.
“Will you stay with me till I fall asleep,” she asked. He nodded as he walked over to the opposite side of the bed and climbed in next to her. He leaned back against the headboard as she shifted to rest her head against his torso. He rested one hand on her shoulder and reached for her hand with his other and laced their fingers together. He began to sing softly as she closed her eyes. Within minutes she was breathing in the deep rhythmic pattern indicative of sleep.
After unwrapping himself from her embrace, he laid her back down and gently climbed off the bed. He padded slowly out the room and shut the door quietly.
“Where’s Amanda,” Gen asked as he entered the kitchen.
“She’s sleeping. I think this homecoming was a bit overwhelming for her,” he replied as he grabbed a chip from the bag on the island and popped it in his mouth.
“I’m sorry we’ve worn her out, we can leave if needed,” Kelly said Brianna ran past her squealing at the top of her lungs as she chased Podge into the kitchen. She reached down and picked her daughter up trying to get her to calm down.
“No, don’t go. The past week just caught up with her fast. I don’t think even she realized how tired she was,” he answered with a yawn as he sat on one of the stools at the island.
“Looks like you need another nap,” his mother said as she tussled his hair.
“Watch the hair, ma,” he said with a laugh as he batted her hand away.
“When are you getting this mop cut,” she asked. “It’s much too long.”
“Yeah, JC, you’re starting to look like a girl,” Chris quipped from across the room.
“I don’t know, I kinda like it this way,” he said as he ran his hand through it. I haven’t had long hair since…,” he paused trying to remember.
“Since ‘Incoming, look out dude, like I’m itching for an epic wave but some dude has been spreading bogus information on the surf report, dude’,” Tyler replied in a surfer accent. The whole room erupted into laughter. JC flushed bright red at the reference to the character Wipeout from his MMC days. Chris and Tyler kept speaking like surfers. Briana started chasing Hodge. And JC smiled at the chaos around him.
* * * * *
Amanda woke with a grimace when Hodge walked across her legs in search for a soft warm cuddle spot on her mom. She reached down and pulled the kitten to her torso and stroked her head and back. Hodge immediately began purring and kneading Amanda’s stomach. Amanda looked over at the clock on the bedside table and saw it was well into the evening. She sighed in frustration that she’d slept the day away but felt better and clearer headed than she did that morning. Hating to move the kitten that was now curled up asleep, she knew she needed to get out of bed and get something to eat when her stomach growled loudly. She placed the kitten on the pillow next to her and gently threw the covers off. As she sat up and swung her legs over the side of the bed, she saw that her luggage had been placed in the room. She reached for her crutches next to the bed. She grabbed a pair of shorts and a tee shirt and her shower items from her luggage and went to the bathroom. Thankfully the bathroom had a walk-in steam shower with a built in bench. As the shower warmed up, she brushed her teeth and discarded her clothing. She avoided looking at herself in the mirror. She hated how she looked right now but knew the long nap and the hot shower would help. After she washed and conditioned her hair, she stood under the steaming water and let it cascade over her shoulders and down her back. The pulsating liquid helped ease the tension that had formed in her body. She’d have to remember to ask JC if he knew a masseuse in the area that made house calls. After what seemed like an eternity, she shut the water off, dried off, wrapped the towel around her body and stepped out of the shower.
She yelped in surprise when JC’s voice came from the bedroom. She opened the door and found him making her bed. “You don’t need to do that,” she said as she leaned against the doorjamb.
He looked over at her and smiled. He thought she was beautiful leaning in the door way with just the towel around her. She had grabbed a brush and was working the tangles out of her hair. He lightly licked his lips at the thought of removing the towel and seeing what was beneath.
“JC, if you’ve seen one pair, you’ve seen them all. They’re not that different,” she teased as she read the expression on his face.
He walked to her, “But how do I know that if don’t inspect them first hand,” he replied as wrapped his arms around her and pulled close. He leaned down and placed his lips over hers. She wrapped her arms around his neck and ran a finger in a light circle at his hairline and deepened the kiss. He turned and leaned her against the doorjamb. She broke the kiss several minutes later and hugged him close. “Thank you,” she whispered into his ear. “I needed a kiss like that.”
He leaned back and looked into her eyes, “Happy to oblige,” he replied with a lazy smile. “Now, go get dressed, dinner’s on the table.”
She furrowed her brows. “You cooked? Since when do you cook,” she questioned.
“Who said anything about cooking,” he replied as he left the room.
She turned back to the bathroom and dressed quickly and applied a brush of gloss over her lips and a swipe of blush on her cheeks. She pulled her hair from the sides of her face and placed it in a clip. She grabbed her crutches and headed to the kitchen.
The candle lit kitchen table was set for two. JC was pouring red wine into glasses. She inhaled the wonderful aroma of garlicky tomato sauce. “Take out from Olive Garden?”
“No, better, takeout from Casa de Fatone,” he replied as he pulled a chair out for her to sit.
She grinned as she sat down. “Phyllis cooked for us,” she asked as she looked over the pan of lasagna between the two candles.
“Well, Kelly did, but it’s Phyllis’ recipe,” he replied as he sat down and served her a piece.
She took a bite. “I don’t care who cooked it, it’s wonderful.” she said as she finished and got another bite on her fork. “Where is everyone,” she asked as she realized how silent the house was.
“Mom and Dad are having dinner with Joey’s parents. Tyler and Heather are out with Chris and Gen doing who knows what.” He speared the salad in front of him. “Are you feeling better,” he asked as he took a bite.
“A nap and a shower did me some good.” Her voice was distant as she took a sip of wine.
He heard her draw away. “Please don’t shut me out,” he said as he took her hand.
She sighed. “I’m sorry. I’m not trying to shut you out. I’m just not used to sharing my problems.” She took another sip. “I talked with my mom this morning and she said that if I stay here, she’s going to disown me,”
He blew out a deep breath. “Wow, from what you told me I knew she wasn’t going to take it well, I didn’t think she’d go this far.”
“Yeah, neither did I,” she replied softly.
“What are you going to do,” he asked as he took a deep sip of his wine.
“I don’t know what else I can do but to stay here. I can barely take a shower without having to sit down, much less climb stairs to the third floor.”
“But your mom…”
“I can’t continue to live in fear of what she says, does or threatens. This is my life, not hers and she’s going to have to respect my decisions,” she answered with as much confidence as she could muster. He ran his thumb over the top of her hand.
“And your conversation with work,” he prodded.
“Well, the Miami doc wrote me out for a week, but right now they don’t have anything for me to do that doesn’t involve standing. So it’s a wait and see.”
He could see the tears forming in her eyes. “Honey, I’m so sorry this is happening,” he said as he reached out and touched her cheek.
“It’s not your fault, you’ve got nothing to be sorry for.” She took another sip of wine. “Shit happens and I’ve got to be a big girl and deal with it.”
“How can I help?”
“Just love me, that’s all I can ask for right now.”
“I think I can do that. Anything else you need to get off your chest,” he asked. He sensed she hadn’t told him everything.
“Do you only think about sex,” she asked with a smile.
He chuckled. “I didn’t mean it that way, I meant…”
“I know what you meant. Had to give you a hard time,” she paused. “We’re being totally honest right?”
He heard the serious undertone to her voice. “Yes.”
“I’d rather you hear this from me than your mom,” she stated. She took a deep breath. “As you know I was really upset this morning. The conversations with my mom and work hadn’t gone as planned, I was tired, overwhelmed. Well, when I was talking to your mom, I was just saying whatever came to my mind. I wasn’t censoring what I was saying.”
“I don’t know if I like where this is going,” he said skeptically.
“Like I said, from me, not your mom.” He nodded and she continued. “Well, I did say at one point that I regretted meeting you.” She continued quickly before he could interrupt. “Like I said, things were pouring out. I didn’t even realize I’d said it till later.”
“So you regret meeting me,” he said as he slowly removed his hand from hers. He picked up his glass and drained the rest of the wine in it.
“I didn’t mean it the way it came out.”
“I really don’t think you would have said it if there weren’t some bit of truth behind it.” His voice was tinged with both hurt and anger. He poured himself another glass of wine and took a long sip.
“Jace, before you go shutting me out, listen to me,” she pleaded with him and reached for his hand. “Yes, there are parts of the past few months that I regret, the wreck, the huge fight over the ring, now this thing with my mother. But I would live through those things again for all the other things we’ve experienced. Amanda’s Houses, the days and nights we spent in Miami, the kiss in the shower in New York.” She entwined her fingers in his. “Jace, look at me,” she said as she took his chin in her other hand and turned his face to hers. “I love you. I don’t regret that.”
He was quiet for a few moments. “I need to go for a walk,” he said as he stood up and walked out the back door
Amanda watched as JC walked down the yard and out the privacy fence. She hung her head. She wished she’d not told him her regrets, but she knew with their close bond that Karen possibly would. She hoped telling him was the right thing to do and hadn’t hurt their relationship irreparably.
She finished her wine, blew out the candles, put the dishes in the sink and the lasagna in the fridge. She went back to her room, changed into her bed clothes and climbed under the covers. Hodge climbed off the pillow she’d been sleeping on and settled into the crook of her arm. As she stroked the kitten’s head Amanda drifted off into a restless sleep.
She awoke some time later. Her back hurt. Her knee hurt. Her head hurt. She grabbed her crutches and headed to the kitchen to get a glass of water. As she stood in the kitchen, she knew she couldn’t go back to sleep in the bed. She wanted to talk to JC but didn’t know where he was. She chuckled. Other than her room, the powder room and the kitchen, she didn’t really know where anything in his house was. If he was still speaking with her in the morning, she was going to as for the grand tour. For now, she settled on a soak in the hot tub.
She went back to her room and changed. She stepped out the French doors of her room onto the pool deck and stopped. JC was sitting on pool chair in a shadowed corner.
“I thought you’d gone to bed by now,” she said.
“I couldn’t sleep,” he replied flatly.
She worked her way to him and sat on the chaise lounger next to him. She reached for his hand but he moved it out of her reach. Her hand hovered briefly in the space above where his had been before she drew it back and ran it through her hair. “What can I say to make this better,” she asked hesitantly.
He continued to stare across the patio, never once glancing in her direction. “Right now, I’m not sure. I’m mad and I’m hurt and I’m going to bed. See you in the morning,” he said as he stood and walked towards the kitchen.
“JC, wait,” she said as she stood up and hobbled after him. He turned.
“No. You had your pity party this morning. Now it’s my turn. I don’t want to talk to you right now.”
“Jace, I’m sorry. I just wanted to be honest with you.”
“Honesty? You want honesty? Here’s honesty: I’m so fucking mad at you right now I don’t know what to say. I propose to you, I chase you across the country, I share my deepest secret with you, something I haven’t even told my own mother about, and you tell her of all people that you regret meeting me. Well, fuck you. Oh, wait, straight laced Southern Baptist girl doesn’t do that.” He paused for an instant and when he spoke again, his voice was eerily calm. “I’m a man of my word. You can stay here till you’re back on your feet, but after that, I want you out of my house.”
Fire flashed in her eyes. “What the hell JC,” she yelled at him. “How can you be mad at me? I do exactly what you’ve wanted of me, to trust and be honest with you, and you go and act this way, say those things.” Tears pooled in her eyes. “You’re acting out my biggest fear. You’re acting just like my mother!”
“Whatever,” he said as he turned and walked into the kitchen. Moments later she heard him pull out of the garage and down the driveway.
She drew in a deep shaky breath. Two questions ran through her mind: Is this the end? After all we’ve been through, is this really the end?
* * * * *
“Morning,” Amanda said as she entered the kitchen the next morning. The whole Chasez family was sitting around the kitchen table eating the breakfast Karen had cooked.
“Good morning sweetie, how’d you sleep,” Karen asked as Amanda sat down and took the plate of pancakes Roy offered her.
“Um, as well as can be expected,” she replied and looked across the table to JC. He turned his head slightly to avoid her gaze and picked up his glass of juice. The small movement did not go unnoticed at the table. “Did you and Roy have a good time with the Fatones?”
“We did. It was good to catch up with them,” Karen answered. She turned her attention to JC. “How was the lasagna Kelly made,” she asked.
“It was fine. I’m going to Chris’,” he said as he stood and walked out of the room without saying anything else. His family stared after him with confused looks on their faces.
“I think I’m going to take a shower,” Amanda quietly said as she stood and left the room. She was able to make it to the bathroom and turn the shower on before she broke into tears.
A knock came at her door later that morning. “Come in,” Amanda called out. She was sitting on the bed with her laptop in front of her.
“I hoped you could come say good-bye before we left,” Heather said quietly from the doorway.
“Sure. I didn’t realize y’all were leaving this soon,” Amanda said as she closed the laptop and moved off the bed.
“Yeah, Mom and Dad have to get back to work and I’ve got to get ready for school,” she replied as they walked down the hall. “Um, what’s going on with you and Josh,” she asked very quietly.
Amanda paused to form her words. She could see the concern and worry in Heather’s eyes. “We’re just going through a rough spot. Nothing to worry about,” she said hoping her voice sounded convincing. They entered the foyer where the other four members of the family stood saying their good-byes.
“It was so nice to meet y’all,” she said as Roy leaned over for a hug.
“I just wish our first meeting had been under better circumstances,” he replied.
She smiled. “I think we all do.” She turned to Karen. “Thank you for the talks,” she said as Karen wrapped her arms around her in a warm embrace.
“You’re welcome,” Karen answered. “You’ll get through this,” she whispered softly into Amanda’s ear. Amanda pulled back and gave a small hopeful nod.
“Email me,” Heather said as she too hugged Amanda.
“I will. Kick butt in school,” she replied with a smile.
JC gave another quick hug to his mother before they left with Tyler who was driving them to the airport. When the door clicked shut, JC turned and walked out of the foyer, the slapping of his flip-flops on the marble flooring echoing loudly through the quiet house.
Amanda stood there and sighed. She was torn about what to do. Should she go after him and try to get him to talk or should she give him space. As she stood there debating, she felt her phone vibrate in her pocket. When she hung up from her call she knew she’d be talking with him sooner than later.
Heading to the hallway he had disappeared down, Amanda listened for some indication where he had gone. As she approached the last door on the hallway, she heard him ending a conversation with someone on the phone. She knocked lightly on the door which swung open slightly. “JC,” she said tentatively as she stuck her head into the room.
“I really don’t want to talk to you right now,” he said as he sat down into the leather executive chair behind a massive glass and steel contemporary desk and turned his attention to the stack of mail on the desk.
She stepped fully into the room. “I know you need your space right now, but I just got a call from the physical therapist’s office. They’d like me to come in this afternoon. I’m not supposed to drive for a couple more days, so I was wondering if you could take me. If not, I’ll see if Chris or Tyler will…” her voice trailed off.
He sighed. “Yeah, I can take you.”
“Thank you,” she said as she backed out of the office.
“No problem,” he replied as he looked back down at the mail on his desk.
Silence. It was becoming the new soundtrack of their relationship. They sat in silence during the ride to the PT appointment. They sat in silence in the waiting room. Now they were sitting in silence on the way back to the house. She finally broke the silence as JC parked in the garage.
“I was thinking of making leftover lasagna for dinner. Do you want me to fix you a plate,” she asked as they climbed out of the Jeep.
“No thanks, Chris and I are going out,” JC replied as he entered the house and bounded up the stairs. She watched as he disappeared down the hallway. “I’m sorry,” she said softly before heading through the kitchen and down the hallway to her bedroom.
She barely saw JC the next two days. She was spending most of her time in her room or out by the pool. JC stayed mainly in his studio or office if he wasn’t out with Chris. They had run into each other in the kitchen a couple times and would exchange strained pleasantries but JC would leave as soon as possible.
On the third day of near silent treatment, Amanda answered the phone.
“I don’t know what’s going on with you two, but JC’s over here playing with Briana. He actually called to see if he could come over. That’s not normal,” Kelly’s voice came across the line. “What happened?”
“I’d rather not talk about it,” Amanda replied.
“Well, someone needs to talk because it’s like ‘Attack of the Pod People’ over here. He has changed her very dirty, smelly diaper. Willingly! He’s never changed her diaper before.”
Amanda smiled sadly at the vision of JC pulling fatherly duties. “Has he said anything?”
“No, not to me. Why?”
“Just wondering.”
“Alright, I’m coming to get you and force you two to talk. If it means locking the two of you in a room after I’ve removed all object that could cause bodily harm, so be it.”
“Kelly, you don’t have to do that. We’ll work it out on our own.”
“Yeah, how long has this been going on?”
“Since the night we got back,” Amanda replied.
“Yeah, time to talk,” she said as she instructed Amanda to be ready in fifteen minutes. “I’ll tell him I had to run to the store.”
Twenty minutes later Kelly pulled up the driveway.
“Ok, tell me what happened,” she said as Amanda climbed into the large SUV.
“It’s between the two of us. I don’t want to drag anyone else into this,” she replied as she looked out the window at the passing communities.
“I’ve never seen him like this. Joey will never believe the diaper story,” Kelly said as she tried to bring some levity to the situation.
“Yeah, I’m going to have to see it before I believe it,” Amanda replied with a half-hearted chuckle.
As they entered the house, Kelly pointed down a hallway. The playroom’s down there,” she said.
Amanda headed to the door Kelly instructed. She smiled as she paused outside the door.
“What does a dog say,” JC asked. She heard Briana babble something. “Close, but can you say ‘woof woof’,” JC asked. Briana giggled at JC’s impression of a dog. “You think that’s funny?” Briana’s giggles got louder. “Woof, woof,” he said again and the toddler broke into another fit of laughter. Amanda smiled at the exchange. She didn’t want to interrupt them so she turned and found her way to the lanai and sat down on a chaise lounger.
“What are you doing out here,” she heard a while later. She turned to find JC standing at a doorway.
“Kelly kidnapped me,” she said as she patted the chaise lounger next to her. JC took a deep breath before making his way over to her. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you,” she said softly as he sat down.
“I’m sorry too for how I’ve been acting. I just can’t get those words out of my head. How could you regret meeting me?” She could hear the hurt in his voice and it tugged at her heart.
“Jace, like I was trying to explain that night, there are things that have happened that I regret, the wreck, the fights, but without them, there wouldn’t also be the good stuff.” She paused to see if her words had sunk in. “One of the things you need to know is that I internalize my problems. I’ve always been independent and don’t to burden anyone else with them because I feel like I should be able to figure out how to fix it. It doesn’t work, I end up thinking the problems are bigger and more complex than they are, I continue not to share them as I try to work them out, and it’s just a very vicious downward spiral until I end up in an emotional state like I was that morning where I’m withdrawn, angry, easily annoyed. Eventually, I’ll have a breakdown, get everything I’m thinking and feeling off my chest, in the process saying things, thoughts that are irrational because I’m in an irrational state. And then I’ll feel better, usually after a good night’s sleep, and I wake up going, ‘Why do I keep doing this to myself. It really wasn’t that big of a deal and I should have just dealt with it in the beginning’.” She paused and could see his facial features had softened. “I’m sorry I was so awful on the bus. I’m sorry if what I said hurt you, I really didn’t mean what I said, it was my irrational thought of this breakdown. And I’m most sorry I’ve ruined our relationship because of it.”
He reached over and took her hand. “I’m not like your mom. I want, need you to know that I am here for you. If you’re having a problem, then it’s my problem too, and I want to hear about it and help you work your way through it. And as you showed with my mom, if you can’t talk to me, please find someone who you are comfortable with.” He paused to collect his next thoughts.
“Your right, a lot of how I am is because of my twisted relationship with my mother. I think about the only selfless thing she’s done for me was getting me to the Rosie show. And I don’t even know now if it was truly selfless or if she has some underlying motivation I haven’t figured out yet. Or relationship isn’t healthy, I know that. That’s partly why I moved down here was so I could put six hundred miles between us. I do feel like it would almost be better for me to just not deal with her any more. But I love my father too much to do that and I’m afraid she’d be vindictive enough that if I did end our relationship, I’d never see my father again.” She wiped away the tears that had fallen. “I know I need to trust you more, and I hope what I’ve shared about my mom, something I haven’t shared with anyone before, is proof that I’m working towards trusting you completely.” She paused. “But I need you to know that for me to continue to trust you, I’ve got to know you’re not going to act like you did the other night. It really hurt that I was doing what you asked, opening up, being honest, trusting you with my thoughts and then having you tell me to fuck off.”
He moved and sat next to her and pulled her to him. He kissed her forehead soothingly. He spoke softly, “I’m sorry for what I said the other night. It was a low blow and I didn’t mean it. And I’m sorry I keep making you cry.”
She laughed through her tears. “Chasez, I’m a crier, I thought you would have figured that out by now,” she said as she leaned in and kissed his lips softly.
“Yay,” they heard from the doorway. They turned to see Kelly holding her daughter. “Does this mean what I think it does?”
“Yeah, no more ‘Attack of the Pod People’,” Amanda replied with a smile. JC gave her a confused look. “You changed a dirty diaper? Really?”
He smiled and gave her another kiss.
