It's been a while, to put it mildly. I'm sorry for such a long wait. Hopefully it won't happen again. Thanks for taking the time to read. -me
Chapter 27
When JC returned from the video store, he found her on the couch crying uncontrollably. He gathered her in his arms and held her tightly as he tried to quell the sobs that so violently shook her body. “What happened,” he asked softly when he detected a break in the crying.
Amanda blew her nose in the Kleenex he had offered. “She didn’t say a word when I called. Not a single fucking word,” she replied before she broke into tears again. He continued to sit with her, holding her tightly, stroking her back and hair as he whispered words and phrases he hoped would make her feel better. The pizza came but was left untouched as he continued to sit and hold her while she let out all the emotions she’d been bottling up for so long. Soon her sobs turned to quiet tears that eventually subsided when she succumbed to exhaustion. JC carried her to bed and covered her with a spare blanket he found in the closet.
As he sat down on the couch and turned on the TV, he exhaled a deep breath. He was worried about her. He knew first hand how being cut off from her family had taken its toll and changed her. She wasn’t the same girl from this summer, from the beach. Her smiles never reached her eyes anymore. Her laugh always seemed forced. She was quieter – no longer humming or singing along to the radio or talking back to the characters on TV. She put up a happy exterior but he could still see and feel her sadness. Every now and again he saw glimpses of the old Amanda, but those glimpses were fleeting. He didn’t agree with her moving back to her apartment just to please her mother but acquiesced hoping the rift would be mended and the old Amanda would be back. Now that her mother was still rejecting her, he wasn’t sure what he could do to help bring her around.
“Jace,” he heard softly at his side. He opened his eyes to find Amanda sitting on the floor next to him. He blinked several times to clear the sleep from his eyes. He glanced at the TV and saw an infomercial touting the supposed wonders of some new super food chopper.
“Hey, what time is it,” he said sleepily as he leaned over the edge of the couch and kissed her forehead.
“It’s after one. I’m sorry I fell asleep,” she replied quietly. Though she had been asleep for hours, she was still exhausted from the emotional outpouring. She felt completely drained, emotionally, physically, mentally. She rested her head against the edge of the couch for support and leaned into JC’s soft touch as he ran a finger over her cheek.
JC could see she had been crying again. Her green eyes were dark, dull and red rimmed. He longed for them to sparkle again. “It’s ok. Is there anything I can do,” he asked as he slid off the couch and sat on the floor next to her. He draped one arm across her shoulders and took one of her hands in his. She immediately settled her head against his shoulder and interlaced her fingers with his.
“You’re doing it right now by holding me,” she whispered softly. They sat in silence for several minutes. “I don’t know what I’m going to do. I hate how I feel right now. I hate how I am any more. I don’t know why my mother’s approval means so much to me,” she said finally.
He thought for several seconds before choosing his words carefully. “I don’t know how to help you with this.”
She sighed. “I don’t know how to help me either.” They sat in reflective silence.
“Have you thought of talking to a counselor,” JC asked tentatively as he watched Hodge climb into her mistress’ lap and curl up into a tight, purring ball. Amanda ran her free hand over the kitten’s smooth, soft coat. Hodge began purring even louder at the loving touch.
“It’s crossed my mind before.” She paused for a moment. “I just don’t know how comfortable I would be talking about this to a total stranger,” she said truthfully.
“The sagest advice often comes from those with no personal connection to the situation,” JC replied quickly.
“Who said that?”
“My mom when she encouraged me to go talk to someone about working through some issues I had a few years ago.”
“You haven’t mentioned that before.”
“It’s something I’ve only shared with those closest to me,” he said before brushing his lips lightly across her temple.
They were silent for several more minutes. Amanda thought over the suggestion. She knew she needed to talk with someone. She just didn’t know who or how to go about finding someone she could trust. “Did it help?”
“Yes, it did. I don’t know if I could have worked through what I was feeling with out help.” He waited a moment. “Would you like to go talk to Dr. Beason?”
Amanda was quiet as she thought. “Can I think about it?” She looked at JC. He could see she was searching, asking for his approval.
“Absolutely.” His heart hurt at the pain he saw in her eyes. “I’ll support you whatever you decide.”
Fresh tears pooled in her eyes and threatened to spill over. “I love you.”
“I love you too,” he answered before bringing his lips against hers. The kiss was soft, caring, comforting, full of compassion. “I need to get going,” he said moments later. “You need more sleep if you’re going to make it at work tomorrow.”
Amanda didn’t move from him. “I’ve already called in sick. Will you stay with me?”
“Yes,” he said as they stood up and turned out the lights in the living room. He stripped down to his tee shirt and boxers before climbing into bed next to Amanda and pulling her tightly against him. Podge jumped into bed and settled at their feet. Hodge curled up against Amanda’s waist. Within minutes, everyone was sleeping soundly and didn’t stir until late the next morning.
* * * * *
“You have nothing to be afraid of,” JC said as he placed his hand on Amanda’s bouncing leg. They were sitting in a well decorated waiting room in one of the downtown skyscrapers. She had almost walked out when she saw the dark wood, rich leather and priceless antiques as they stepped into Dr. Beason’s office. “JC, I can’t afford this,” she whispered softly as she turned to leave.
JC placed his hands on her shoulders gently. “Don’t worry about it. It’s taken care of,” he reassured before giving them a light squeeze. Amanda knew that was his way of saying he was paying for it. Her shoulders fell an inch. She added another item on her list of things to talk to Dr. Beason about, that is if she liked him. JC walked over and pressed a button on a panel next to the door to Dr. Beason’s office. She slumped into one of the deep leather chairs and waited.
“Stop fidgeting,” JC said again as he placed his hand again on her leg.
“Sorry.” She didn’t know why she was so terrified to be doing this. She knew she needed to talk with someone. She was a bundle of emotions, depression, anger, frustration, helplessness, anxiety. At first, she had been able to keep them in control. But for the past several days since the phone call to her mother, they were much closer to the surface. She had a tenuous grasp on them at best and there were times it took all her willpower not to break down and cry at something as simple as the lead on her pencil breaking. To most of her coworkers and acquaintances, she was nearly the same Amanda they knew just a bit quieter than normal. However, to those close to her, especially JC, they could see how fiercely she was fighting for control over her emotions.
JC felt her leg stop bouncing instantly when the door to their right opened. “See you next week,” a thirty-something, dark haired, bespectacled, well dressed man said as he walked through the door before closing it. He acknowledged the couple with a slight nod before leaving the waiting room.
Amanda stood. “Not yet,” JC said as he took her hand and pulled her gently back into the chair. Her leg immediately started to bounce again and she began chewing on her bottom lip. JC didn’t say anything to her.
“How do you know?”
“The green light isn’t on,” he said as he pointed to the red light on the panel next to the door.
Just as she located the red light it blinked off and a green light underneath lit up. Amanda froze again. She sat in the chair and stared at the door. “I don’t know if I can do this,” she whispered. All the reasons why she should flooded her mind and were quickly followed by rationalizations as to why this was a bad idea. Why was she having such a hard time with this?
JC placed his hand at the base of her neck and rubbed it lightly. “It’s ok, you don’t have to talk about the serious stuff today.”
Amanda turned and looked at him. “I don’t?” She didn’t know why she was being so childish about this all of a sudden. She knew she needed this.
JC shook his head. “We talked about basketball during my first session.” He stood up and pulled her with him. Turning to face her, he took her face in his hands. “If you don’t like Dr. Beason, you don’t have to come back.”
She saw the concern in his eyes. She knew he was worried and concerned. She knew if she continued to feel this way, she was going to put their relationship in jeopardy. “Ok,” she said as she touched her forehead to his. She took two deep breaths, inhaling his scent that was a mixture of soap and aftershave lotion. “I’ll see you in an hour,” he said as he brushed his lips against hers before turning and leaving the room.
She turned and faced the door to Dr. Beason’s office and stared. You can do this, she said to herself. She took one tentative step after another and crossed the room in what felt to her like an eternity. She opened the door and stepped in quietly. “Hello,” she said in a voice barely above a whisper.
“Go ahead and have a seat. Would you care for something to drink,” a voice from another room called out.
“Um,” Amanda started, “Do you have bottled water?”
“Sure, sparkling or flat?”
“Flat, please,” she answered as she made her way to a black leather couch. As she sat and waited, she took in the décor. It was an extension of the dark wood and leather of the waiting room. As she surveyed, she saw a glimpse of the private office. It was a complete antithesis of the room she was sitting in. From her vantage point, she saw bright, cheerful light yellow walls and a floral print chair. Her leg started to bounce again. She stood and walked around the back of the couch and studied a framed photograph of the New York skyline.
“Here you go,” the same voice from before said. Amanda jumped slightly. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you.”
Amanda turned and tried to hide her surprise at the person on the other side of the couch. The figure standing in front of her appeared to be about her own age. JC must have been a patient more recently than I thought. “That’s ok. I couldn’t sit still,” she said as she walked back to the front of the couch and sat down. Dr. Beason sat in a leather wingback chair across from her. “I’m just a bit nervous Dr. Beason.”
Dr. Beason smiled. “A lot of people are their first time here. And you can call me Caroline if you prefer. Before we really start talking, I’ve got a few questions to ask for your file.”
“OK,” Amanda said. She took this time while Dr. Beason had her head bowed and concentrating on the clipboard in her hands to study the woman sitting across from her. There is something about her that is a bit off, she thought as she examined the red high heels. She thought the shoes were a very bold choice for a therapist.
As Dr. Beason asked her questions and Amanda answered, her eyes moved up from the shoes to the very long, tan, bare legs. The legs disappeared finally under a black skirt - a skirt that was a bit too tight and rode up a bit too far. The white blouse was almost acceptable, except, like the skirt, it too was a bit tight. The neckline was very revealing with the top three buttons left undone. She could easily see the swell of the doctor’s breasts and a hint of the lace that covered them. The chunky red necklace matched the shoes and in any other setting, she would have thought they were a suitable choice. Bold red lipstick covered full lips. Smokey eyes were hidden by dark, conservative frames. Jet black hair was piled into a loose bun at the crown of her head. Wispy tendrils framed the face.
She’s trying too hard, Amanda thought as she continued to answer Dr. Beason’s questions. It struck her then how out of place Dr. Beason seemed in her own office. The office was overly masculine with the dark leather furniture, mahogany bookshelves laden with medical journals, rare books and models of sailboats lining the walls, green banker’s lamps, an antique parchment and wood globe, and a beautifully carved grandfather clock ticking away the seconds of the day.
“Amanda,” Dr. Beason asked. “Did you hear me?”
Amanda snapped out of her thoughts. “I’m sorry, what was the question?”
“I asked how you heard about me,” Dr. Beason repeated her question.
“My boyfriend is a former patient and recommended you,” she answered.
“Great. What’s his name? I would like to send him a little token of gratitude for recommending me.”
“JC Chasez,” Amanda answered. A sly smile spread across the doctor’s face. Amanda gave her a puzzled look.
“Oh, he wasn’t a patient of mine.”
Amanda was more confused. “We must have gotten the wrong Dr. Beason. Which is really weird since he knew exactly where your office was and how the light system worked. It’s like he’s been here.”
Dr. Beason uncrossed her legs and recrossed them in the other direction. The skirt shifted up another half inch. She didn’t attempt to adjust the black cloth. “He has, but I couldn’t have treated Josh. It would have been a conflict of interest provided I had been old enough to have my license.”
“Ok, now I’m really confused.”
“Josh was treated by my father. Well, until it became a conflict of interested for him.” It was with that tone dripping with condescension that it hit Amanda like a freight train – the reason why everything didn’t add up. “How long have you been running your father’s practice?”
Dr. Beason lifted her chin a bit and peered down her nose at Amanda. “For about a year now.”
“And the conflict of interest - you and JC dated?”
“Yes, Josh and I did. We were each other’s first...” She gave a pause, “…love.”
Amanda shook her head slightly at the confession. She settled back into the couch and crossed her own jean clad legs as she folded her arms across her chest. “So Caroline, how about them Yankees?”
One of Dr. Beason’s over plucked but well penciled eyebrows popped up into a perfect arch. “Did you really come here to talk about baseball?”
“Given our conflict of interest, I’m not sure what else we could talk about.”
“I see your point. Give Josh my love?” Dr. Beason batted her eyelashes.
“Don’t worry, I won’t,” Amanda said as she stood and walked out the door.
She was standing at a crosswalk waiting for traffic to stop when she saw JC on the opposite side of the street. He saw her at the same time and looked at his watch. It had been less than twenty minutes and he knew she shouldn’t have been out of her session. He waited for her to cross the street.
“What happened,” he asked when she was in ear shot.
“Nothing,” she said as she walked passed him. She stopped and turned trying to get her bearings. “Where did we park?”
JC pointed her in the right direction and she took off at a determined pace. “Did you talk about basketball?”
Amanda spun on her heels and looked at him. He saw the fire in her eyes and knew there was trouble. “No, we did not talk about basketball.” She said in a clipped tone. “We couldn’t talk about anything because it would have been a conflict of interest.”
“What do you mean by ‘conflict of interest’?”
“Caroline.” Amanda watched as JC groaned inwardly and visibly paled.
“I didn’t think he could bring her up.”
“He didn’t, Caroline did,” she corrected as she stabbed the cross walk button at the next intersection. She turned and faced JC and saw the confused expression on his face. “Yeah, by the way, Dr. Gerald Beason isn’t practicing any more and Dr. Caroline Beason has taken over his patients.” Surprise crossed his facial features. “Yeah, didn’t know that tidbit did you?”
The walk symbol appeared and Amanda crossed the intersection. “Wait,” she heard JC call from behind her. He caught her elbow and made her face him. “I didn’t know, honest. I wouldn’t have set up the appointment if I knew he had retired. This is not something you should be mad at me about.” She could see the sincerity in his face. For a brief moment, the anger left until she reminded herself he was the one that choose Dr. Beason despite his history with Caroline and her father.
“JC, understand this. I’m not upset you didn’t know Dr. Beason had retired. Stuff like that happens, and that’s fine. I’m hurt that you sent me to see your ex-lover’s father, to a person who could not give me the objective advice and guidance I need right now.” She turned around and continued down the block. Her pace quickened when she heard a rumble of thunder.
JC caught up with her and took hold of her elbow again. “Will you please stop walking away from me so we can talk,” he demanded.
Amanda pulled her arm back to her side. “I’m so angry right now I don’t know what else to say. I just need to get out of here.” She stepped to the side and continued on down the block. She wasn’t sure where she was going. She took a left at the next intersection. As she turned in a circle to once again try and get her bearings, she felt two wet drops hit her skin. She quickened her pace. She could hear JC calling her name but ignored him. It was when she could barely hear him that she realized she had started to run. It felt good - the burning in her lungs and legs as she exerted herself. She knew she was going to pay for it the next few days and her physical therapist was going to give her hell when he found out, but she had to get away from JC. She couldn’t deal with him right now. She couldn’t deal with anyone right now. All she wanted to do was find a rock to hide under.
As she crossed another intersection, the Florida sky opened above her and unleashed one of its notorious afternoon downpours. Amanda stood there, arms out to her side, face and palms turned towards the say. “Seriously, you couldn’t have waited five minutes,” she yelled to the sky, warm tears mixed with cool rain sliding down her cheeks. She stood there, crying at the sky until the driver of the car she was blocking angrily beeped the horn at her. She quickly moved to the sidewalk and sat with her back against a building.
It was when a shadow fell across her face that she realized it had stopped raining. As quickly as it had started, the rainstorm had ended - typical for Central Florida. She looked up at the person casting the shadow. “I don’t want to talk to you right now,” she said as she stood up and brushed past her boyfriend. He grabbed her arm to keep her from leaving.
“This isn’t just about what you want. What about what I want?” His voice was raised. She was taken aback slightly by the anger in his voice.
“JC, I know what you want, me, but I can’t give you that right now.” Her voice was raised as well.
“Why not?”
“Because I’m so turned around right now I can’t think straight.”
“I love you, that’s all that matters. We’ll figure the rest out.”
“And I can’t love you fully because I don’t love myself. And it’s not all about love. Other things matter. My family matters.”
“Your family has turned their back on you. How is that love?”
“They’ve turned their back on me because of you.”
“So this is my fault?”
“YES! If I had never met you, I wouldn’t be in this mess,” she practically screamed. And as the last word left her mouth, she instantly regretted what she said. But they were out there and there was no taking them back. They hung in the air between them as they stood there, staring at the other, oblivious to the crowd that had formed around them. And as much as she regretted saying the words like she did, regretted seeing the pain and anger in JC’s face, she felt a burden lifted from her shoulders. It was in those few moments before he spoke again that she realize how much she’d been blaming him for her problems.
JC took a step back. His head was spinning. He couldn’t believe the words he was hearing. He had never expected her to blame him. But she did and in hearing those words, JC felt his heart break. “I love you, but I can’t do this any more. I can’t be in a one sided relationship. I quit,” he said quietly before he turned and pushed his way through the crowd.
Author's Chapter Notes:
It's been a while, I know and I'm sorry. I got stuck and it took a while to find my way out of the mud. Thanks for reading, I do appreciate it. -me
Incomplete
hp5010 is the author of 1 other stories.
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This story is a favorite of 6 members. Members who liked The Celebrity & the Fender also liked 264 other stories.
Story Tags: love jc hospital drunkjc solojc
