"Nat, are you just going to continue looking at me like that or are you going to say something?"

She blinked once, twice; he was still standing there, still very much real. It had not been her imagination playing a very mean trick on her, had not been just her dreaming; she was awake, staring at the dark-haired man who stood in front of her, helpless. "I don't know what you want me to say," she said softly, eyes looking anywhere but at him. The moment he had walked into the house, she had turned on her heel quickly and walked up to her old bedroom, he following quietly. Suddenly, the walls felt like they were closing in on her.

"Natalie, please," his voice was desperate, sad. "Just say something, anything. Please."

"You tracked me down to my parents house."

"Cecilia told me you'd be here," he said softly, a small rush of relief flooding him as she finally acknowledged more than just him standing before her. "She told me you were upset, that I should be here -"

"I don't need you," she said, eyes narrowing as he took a step back, threatened by her gaze, "I never did. Who the hell are you to even think that I'd need you?"

"You're right," he said, hands going up in defeat, "you don't. But, newsflash, Natalie? I do. I need you."

"That's bullshit."

"Listen to me," he said, turning sideways to shut the door behind him to give them privacy, "I was an asshole to you. A glorified asshole, a pigheaded man -"

"At least you can admit one thing," she snapped, turning away from him as he stepped forward, grabbing her and preventing her to move as she cried out, surprised by his sudden touch. "Let go of me."

"Natalie, please. Let me try to explain this to you!"

"I don't even want to listen to you speak, JC."

"Please."

Loving you like I never have before
I'm needing you just to open up the door
If begging you might somehow turn the tides
Then tell me to, I've gotta get this off my mind.

She sat down on the edge of her bed, dropping her hands between her legs and dropping her gaze to the floor. "Fine," she said softly, her barriers slowly falling, "talk."

"Can you please just look at me while I say this? Please?" He saw her not make a move to bring her gaze back up, he stepping closer to her and touching her chin, surprised she didn't pull away from his touch. "Natalie, if I'm going to be laying my heart out on the line, I'd at least like to look at the browns of your eyes and not the brown of your hair."

He felt the air escape his lungs in a small gasp as she looked up without a fight, gaze dragging up toward his face slowly. Tears were pooled in her eyes, the browns nearly looking like a reflection off of water, few droplets easing down her chin without a swipe of her finger. He took a deep breath, preparing himself for the long monologue that he had rehearsed, repeated and rewrote numerous times in his head and aloud during the trip there. Suddenly, the words were gone, he was left with nothing but the choice to improvise.

"I had this all planned," he said softly, her eyebrows knitting in confusion, "had this all set out on how you'd react, how I'd react to that ... and now, I can't. I can't say what I had planned because none of this was planned. Us sleeping together wasn't planned. My walking out wasn't planned, and God, I regret that, but I can't take it back. I'm sorry that I walked out, but that's all I'm sorry for. I'm not sorry for anything else: our friendship, how much I care for you, none of that I'm sorry for." He stood still, waiting for his heart to calm as he closed his eyes. "I'm not sorry for falling for you months ago; for not knowing when it started, but knowing exactly when I realized. That, in itself was not planned and I'm only sorry on that account that I hadn't acted out on it sooner. Neither of us would be in this mess that we're in now." He scoffed, shaking his head sadly. "Sleeping with you wouldn't have been a masquerade in it's own right."

Won't you save me
'Cause saving's what I need
I just wanna be by your side
Won't you save me
I don't wanna be
Just drifting through the sea of life.

He watched her slowly pull herself into a standing position, face still held in the confused expression she had given him the moment he said he hadn't been sorry for anything except for the listed things. Her arms crossed at her chest, neck thrust forward as she waited for him to go on. She didn't believe him. "Natalie -"

"You came here to make me feel bad," she said, voice low, icy. "Came to make me feel more horrible that I'm spending Christmas alone and without you around, right? Because if you -"

He stepped forward, heart racing as his hands gripped the sides of her face, pulling her mouth to his. She silenced the moment he was a breath away, eyes falling closed as his lips touched hers gently, meeting ever curve and crevice of her mouth with his. The kiss was gentle and sweet, he pulling away and studying her face. "I'm right here," he said softly, "you're not alone, Natalie; you've never been alone. I've been here all this time."

She put her fist to her mouth as she looked at him, bewildered. "You just kissed me."

He couldn't help but grin at her observation, tongue snaking out and licking his bottom lip, tasting the remnants of what seemed to be Merlot from her lips off of his. "That is what they're calling it nowadays, I believe."

She shook her head, opposite hand raising and pointing a finger at him partly, other fingers lifting then as she held that hand open toward him, silencing him. "I can't ... no, you can't ... I just ... I have to go."

He looked at her, eyes widening as she grabbed the doorknob and turned, he stepped in between she and the door, leaning up against it to slam it shut. "You can't," he said softly, "I'm not done talking."

"You kissed me, JC!"

"I'm not sorry for that, either."

"It's wrong!"

He laughed. "Why are you running from the truth, Natalie? The truth you already told me? I know how you feel about me, and here I am, trying to tell you why I came back, what I feel about you, and you're trying to walk away from me!"

"Sounds kind of familiar, doesn't it," she snapped, he sighing deeply as she stood mere inches away from him, though feeling too far out of his reach.

Won't you listen please
Baby, don't walk out the door
I'm on my knees
You're all I'm living for

"I told you I was sorry for that," he sighed deeply. "I was scared, all right? This is me, we're talking about. JC Chasez, the one groupmate that the others had labeled as the permanent bachelor. The noncommitment-type. The one who got the girl and then lost her because of something he did. I don't want to lose you, Natalie. That is why I walked away. That is why I pushed myself and made myself distant. But then, something inside me clicked and I thought, 'I had it. I had what everyone had been looking for their entire lives and I just let it go with a simple close of an elevator door.' Here, I had this amazing woman who accepted me at my worst and knew me at my best; this woman who, at three o'clock in the morning, was on a plane to be with me when I heard the news that my grandmother had died; the same woman who, when I brought to Justin's New Year's Eve party, had stolen the spotlight off of his woman of the hour. I was the envy, not him. I was the one people were jabbing in the ribs with their elbows, saying they were so glad you and I were only friends because it had to be a sin to waste someone like you on someone like me, who didn't know what I'd have until it was too late." He looked at her, eyes dropping shut as he frowned. "I'm too late, aren't I?"

It was silent as the question fell into the space between them, tension slowly building as the words finally began to register in her mind. He waited for an answer, the dead quiet killing him as the vibrating of her phone went off on the bed where she had placed it, clock on the wall ticked with the seconds that seemed like hours. He swore he could hear the dead with the silence between them.

His heart was pounding, feeling as if it were in his throat, stomach knotted. Her silence was his answer. He was too late. He should have swallowed his pride a long time ago and let her know, but it was him, he wasn't like that. She was his best friend, for Pete's Sake! He crossed a line, he screwed up; now, he'd be paying for it the rest of his life.

"I need to leave," she said softly, he jumping to the side as she pulled the door open, but not before reaching for her vibrating phone. "I have to go -"

"Natty -"

"I don't know, JC," she said softly, finally finding her voice, "you hurt me when you left. You weren't the only one who went through it, but you carried on like you were. You're not the only one who threw his heart on the line and waited for it to be sliced to pieces by the other."

"No, I'm not," he said, voice calm, steady, "but neither are you. The two of us, we're not the only ones in this world who have gone through hell because of someone we cared about."

She looked down at the hand that had encircled around her wrist, his hold gentle but firm. Her eyes dragged up his arm to his face, feeling the familiar pain in her sinus that meant she would soon cry if she didn't get out of there soon. "Let go of me," she said softly, the plead shaky, "please, just let me go."

His hand released her, she stepping away from him and walking quickly through the hall and down the stairs. He heard her in the foyer, heard her call faintly to her mother or father that she was going out for a while, to not call her; he heard the gentle swoosh of the screen door, the faint click of the front door as he cringed, the soft sound like a bomb exploding in his head. His head dropped, nearly defeated. What had he expected? He threw negatives every which way at her, and suddenly, he came back groveling at her, expecting her to forget what he had said and just jump in his arms?

He knew that wasn't how it worked; that wasn't how anything worked. It took work, a simple miracle. He scoffed. It'd take more than a miracle to change her stubborn mind. A lot of coaxing, a lot of sucking up, a lot of things that could just as easy question his masculinity - but he was ready for that.

He swiped a hand down his face as he began to follow the path she had just taken, his steps sure and quick. He pulled open the door, thankful that he hadn't taken off his coat just yet, turning the knob of the front door and pushed it open, eyes darting back and forth in search for her. "Natalie," he breathed out slowly, seeing her standing on the porch, back to him. She hadn't left, she had just walked away. There was a difference; there had to be a difference. It was all he was holding on to - she had not left him.

"Go away, Jace," she murmured, arms crossed at her chest as she stared ahead of them, eyes settled on the man and woman getting out of her neighbor's car, both laughing, carrying Christmas gifts and a miniature tree towards the front door where the oldest daughter stood, smile wide as she hollered something inside, turning to watch her parents carry the things in. Happy. She wanted to be happy for Christmas - was that too much to ask for?

"You can do all you want to try and get me to go away, but I'm not going anywhere, Natalie," he swore, "not without you."

She scoffed, shaking her head in disbelief, "yeah, you should have tried to say that before you walked out the first time."

He stepped closer to her, weary of her movements, waiting to see if she'd move away; she didn't. "There are a lot of things I should have said, a lot of things that I shouldn't have said. I can't take that back, but I can fix this. I can fix us -"

"Don't try and fix something that isn't broken."

"A friendship that's just barely dangling on a loose thread isn't broken? A girl that refuses to even look at me because of things I have said isn't broken? Then what the hell am I doing here? What the hell is the real definition of broken, huh? Please, enlighten me! Let me know your wise words!"

"Fuck you," she spat, stepping away from him quickly and walking down the few stairs of her porch carefully, the snow falling slowly with mixed rain. "I don't need you, I don't need anybody."

"Natalie, I need you."

Raindrops fall from everywhere
I reach out for you, but you're not there
So I stood waiting in the dark
With a picture in my head
Story of a broken heart

"You act like you need people, but in reality, you don't. You don't need anyone. You just think that." She walked down the sidewalk, hands shoved in her pockets, intent on walking the path behind her neighbor's house to the getaway she had as a child. She needed to get away, she needed to get away from him.

"Natalie, please. Don't leave like this. Stay, please."

Stay with me, don't let me go
'Cause I can't be without you
Just stay with me and hold me close
Because I've built my world around you
And I don't wanna know what it's like without you
So stay with me
Just stay with me

He heard her mask a sob, she shaking her head and continuing to walk. "I can't. I just can't. Staying would kill me."

"Like leaving isn't killing you right now?" He felt his heart pounding as he slowly inched towards her slowing form, "like walking out of your apartment that day I found out didn't kill me? Like, holding back what I had felt for you so long didn't kill me? When I could have told you and didn't because I thought you'd deserve better than some burnt-out popstar who couldn't even make a hit record anymore? That didn't kill me?"

"And, just like everything else in our relationship, it always comes around back to you," she said harshly, voice low, unsteady. "It's always about you, you never thought about me and this is why -" she stopped, breath hiccuping, "this is why I can't stay. This is why you can't stay." She began to walk again, pace quicker. "Just go home."

"Natalie, come on," he walked quickly, nearly jogging as he grabbed her shoulder, she shrugging away from him. "Please, just -"

"Just go away."

I'm trying and hoping for the day
When my touch is enough
To take the pain away
'Cause I've searched for so long
The answer is clear
We'll be okay if we don't let it dissappear

He swallowed hard, shaking his head. "I'm afraid I can't do that."

"Why? Afraid you won't have someone to inflate your ego?" She turned to him, nearly slipping on the icy road, eyes wide and teary, "because losing something else besides everyone else in your life would mean you'd have no one?"

"No, because losing you ... losing you would be my biggest regret," he said softly, "I can't lose you, Natalie."

She crossed her arms, looking at him in disbelief. She was standing firm on trying to get him to leave, but he couldn't. He could see that she knew she was breaking, she was trying so hard to keep her barriers up, to keep the damn from breaking, but he knew he was getting there. He would break her down, get her to see what he had been trying to say, regardless of the consequences. He couldn't lose her.

"Why can't you lose me," she asked softly, unsure. "What would you do if you lost me? Move on with your life like I hadn't existed?"

"What would I do if I had lost you," he repeated, hearing the question once more in his head, "lost one of the only things in my life right now that are real? If I lost you, then it'd mean I would lose the only thing I've ever felt for someone in such a long time and I'm not sure if I want to get rid of that feeling. You've brought out a part of me I thought I locked away such a long time ago and I'm suddenly back at square one, pleading with you to not take the key and put those feelings back in that box, lock it up and throw the key into the darkness of eternity. I came here to hand you that key. What is done with that key is up to you, but I'm begging you, Natalie ... I'm begging you, don't let me get lost again. Don't give up on me."

She licked her lips, chest slowly beginning to pulse as she held back tears, held back breaths. "I have to go."

Stay with me, don't let me go
'Cause I can't be without you
Stay with me and hold me close
Because I built my world around you
And I don't wanna know what it's like without you
Stay with me
Just stay with me

I've searched my heart over
So many, many times
No, you and I, is like no stars to light
The sky at night
Our picture hangs up to remind me of the days
You promised me we'd always be
And never go away
That's why I need you to stay

"Natalie, please -"

She shook her head, walking away from him as he stood, all sense of what he had gotten through to her falling to the ground. He watched her walk down the road, watched her fall and throw her hands forward as she cried out, body nearly sprawled out as she landed on the ground. "Natalie!" He jogged quickly to her, watching as she slowly pulled herself up, reaching for her hand as she yanked herself away from him, eyes downcast as her hand held her forehead. "Jesus, Natalie," he murmured, stepping to her again and yanking her hand away from her forehead as he knelt eye level to her, investigated her face. "Did you hit your head?"

"No," she murmured, voice dripping with sarcasm, "there's just a forehead sized dent in the ice on the curb."

"Oh, you've got jokes," he said, rolling his eyes. "Can you just stop being such a smart ass so I can at least make sure you're okay," he snapped, her eyes widening and for the first time, looking at his as he surveyed the slight red rise on the center of her forehead, it only looking like a scratch. His fingers touched the skin on her head gently, pressing to see where she'd react in pain most. Both hands went to either side of her face, checking her cheeks as her eyes fell closed to his touch, the warmth in his hands as it radiated onto her skin. He felt the tear fall onto his fingers, looking at her clenched shut eyes. "Natalie, are you okay?"

Her hands shakily reached up, gripping his wrists as she shook her head, panic washing over him as she struggled to stand, he holding tightly to her as he helped her to her feet.

Stay with me, don't let me go
'Cause I can't be without you
Just stay with me and hold me close
Because I've built my world around you
And I don't wanna know what it's like without you
So stay with me
Just stay with me

Her eyes opened, looking at his as he realized what she had been talking about. "JC -"

"If I wore the mask again," he said slowly, choosing his words, "would it make this easier on you?" He saw the corners of her mouth tug up into a smile as he let a little of his own appear. "Natalie, I do care about you a lot. What happened between us has changed us ... forever, and I -"

"There's a lot we have to talk about," she agreed. "I don't ... I can't lose you, either."

"We just need to sit down and talk about this," he said softly, "I want us to be friends like we used to."

Her shoulders slumped at the realization of what he was getting to, releasing his hands and stepping away from him as he looked on, confused. "I'm going home."

"Natalie -"

"I know what you're trying to say, JC."

"No, no you don't," he said, voice rough, "you have no clue what I'm trying to say."

She scoffed. "Then fucking say it! Stop being such a pansy-ass and say it!"

He looked at her in disbelief, stepping towards her as she stood ready for attack, ready to walk away. He grabbed her by the waist, pulling her hip to hip as his hand found the side of her face and pulling her to him and kissing her. Her body lost all tension as his lips met hers, her hands gripping the openings of his jacket. He pulled away slowly, eyes half-lidded as he finally opened his mouth to speak. "Now, do you understand what I'm trying to say?"

Oh, don't leave
So I stay waiting in the dark ...