Nothing could have prepared me for that cold uninviting room. No lifetime of CSI, CSI Miami, CSI New York, Criminal Minds or any of the Law and Orders, this was real. Thinking that they’d put me by the screen and open the curtain to view the body I was somewhat surprised when they took both Justin and I to a room, opened the door and the stench of formaldehyde and bleach overriding my senses. The old man walked faster than both of us my knees shaking like Jell-O he paused at the far end of the room. Praying as we got to the body that by some twist of fate it isn’t Collin the man pulls back the cover before I can take my last breath of hope, revealing my brother’s body.
“Oh God” I gasp turning my head away from my brother resting it on Justin’s shoulder. He rubs my shoulders reassuringly and whispers ‘it’s ok in my ear’. I cover my mouth forcing back the tears but I’m fighting a loosing battle. Before I know what’s happened I’ve broken down, like I did the morning of my mother’s death. For about 10 minutes that’s all I do, cry, take in my brother’s features and be held by Justin, who is about to draw blood the way he’s biting on his bottom lip.
“Say goodbye Arianna.” Justin says assertively pushing me away from his chest. I take 2 small paces and my mind goes blank, the last thing I’ll ever say to my brother and I can’t think of anything apart from a Brad Paisley song:
I'm sorry for still holding on
I'll try to let go and I'll try to be strong, and I'll
Wish you the best
And I wish you nothing less
Than every thing you've ever dreamed of
And I hope that you find love along the way
But most of all
I wish you'd stay
“Cola wake up.” I rock his shoulder shocked at how heavy and cold he feels under my hands and in an instant I’m back in my mother’s room on that Saturday morning, dad has left for work before sun rise, and to get away from us, I fear. Collin is making pancakes down stairs as a surprise for mom, he’s almost finished. Collin stands in front of the TV and I’m about to get upset because he’s blocking my view from my favourite show, Captain Planet, “Pepsi go wake mama up I’m almost finished.” He gives me this huge smile like it’s just missing a laugh and I dash up the creaky stairs, bolt through the door and unto mom’s bed that alone should’ve woke her up, she is, was such a light sleeper. I try kissing her awake a thing she used to do with me when I was poorly but that doesn’t work. Getting a bit confused I shove her and take off the blanket.
“C’mon mama Cola has a surprise down stairs.” She still hasn’t moved, I go back to her side and notice that her lips are darker than the usual pinkish plum, taking my time I try opening her eye. “Mama Cola made pancakes; it’s going to get cold.” I run out of the room because somewhere in my 6 year old head it’s finally registered that mom isn’t going to wake up. “Cola!” I scream on the top of my lungs and from down stairs I hear a plate break but he rushes up the stairs 2 by 2 and is now kneeling at my side.
“What is it Ari?” I start crying too afraid to say the words and he’s getting more and more angry by the second because I can’t form the words. “Arianna, what is it.” He shakes me hard and the words just seem to fly straight out of my mouth.
“Mama won’t wake up! I tried everything Collin but she won’t wake up.” He drops me mid shake and it’s my own fault that I hit my head on the wall. He rushed in that room so fast picked up the phone and dialled 911 whilst checking her pulse, even though I doubt he knew what he was doing and closes the door. I’m on my own for what seems like an eternity when these 2 people walk through the door, Paramedics that’s what the pretty woman told me what she was. I watched them take my mom out of the room on a stretcher. I was so confused, but Collin, Collin seemed so, so in control. He picked me up and took me down stairs to eat the cold pancakes and OJ in silence. He was so strong and I never thanked him. I’m so ungrateful.
“Thank you Collin, for everything and I’m sorry I was a pain most of the time.” I take a deep breath and kiss him one last time on his bald head. “Go home, and give mom and dad a big hug for me.” I turn around and walk away, it feels like I’m leaving a part of me with Collin and I just don’t want to go but I know it’s getting late, and I have to stick to the schedule. I’ll be damned if I don’t stick to that schedule.
“I just need to get the death certificate and I’ll be out.” He nods, kisses my forehead and then gently on my lips before he walks back to the car. Mrs Scott from what I can see is still in there on her phone, I presume she’s talking to her husband – she helps run his photo studio and he has often admitted that ‘without her I’m missing a limb’. I still don’t know how they keep their relationship strong touching 30 years.
I’m standing at the counter waiting on the police administrator to give me the report and all I can think of is the fact that my big brother is only a few feet away from me but I’ll never be able to talk to him when I need some advice or hug him when I need some comfort, no more Thanksgivings in Florida, no more Christmas, no more birthday parties...
“Miss I just need you to sign here” The very tall woman startles me out of my exclusive sympathy party. She looks at me like I have a wart growing on my nose. “It’s just to say you’ve received the document.” She hands me her pen and I know that this it, its over now, no more Collin, it’s so final. Taking a deep breath I quickly put my signature on the line, take the envelope and rush out the door.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“She seems to be holding up well, Eth.” The mother says in all fairness.
“I just wish that I could be there for her. She needs someone who’s been there with her right now.” Ethan forcefully brushes away his dark brown hair through his fingers and is pacing the floor of Justin’s studio.
“Justin is here with her Ethan, she isn’t alone.” She watches the couple holding each other in the station.
“It’s not the same ma!” He starts but realises what he was about to say and stops in his tracks. “I- I should get back to the studio.”
“Eth you had your chance. You could’ve told her.”
“Ma it’s not that easy, it wasn’t that easy. We’re best friends.” Well that is true, they were inseparable from the fist day of nursery when Martin Turner pushed her down near the jungle jims Ethan Scott with his Superman cape jumped in to save the damsel in distress, pushing Martin so hard that the bully ended up near the swings. The were best friends alright even through high school not a lot of guys neared to break their bond, few tried but they all failed.
“Yeah, well you made that choice Ethan you didn’t give her any other option. Justin is on his way back do you need to talk to him about anything?”
“Um I’ll call him later.” Justin shakes his head and returns to the front passenger seat, whilst Ethan’s mother finishes her phone call.
“She’s still pushing me away Yasmine.”
“Hon she’s only trying to be strong, Arianna has this thing about structure and being in control.” She laughs rolling her eyes.
“Yeah isn’t it weird that the thing I love about her is the same thing I hate? I just have to be there for her I guess.” Yasmine looks away nodding her head. “I better call Ethan, tell him she’s ok.”
“I think he’d appreciate that a lot.” The phone rings without an answer. “Eth, I’m sorry I missed you. Just called to say thanks for dropping us at the airport and Ari is doing ok, she’s getting the certificate now. Ok she’s coming out now, I’ll call later.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ethan played the message over again, Justin’s new single ‘You don’t know’ playing in the background, sitting on his chair, in his studio, looking at his picture of his best friend. The thing is that he knew Arianna better than anyone, living that is. He knew that she’d be fighting hard to push everyone away, trying to be organised and in control but it was up to them to force their way in. It would be hard but she has this crazy independent streak that she just can’t break. He contemplated telling Justin this but, why should he interfere in their life? Spacing out for a second he caught a note that was off and replayed it, if only people knew he wasn’t perfect, no correction if only Arianna knew that he wasn’t perfect then maybe, she would be with him.
“I’m making dinner what do you want?” Ethan nearly jumped out of his skin when he heard his fiancée’s voice certain that she had some mad hero’s power, if he was honest she did look like that Ali Larter.
“Anything I’m not really bothered.” He returns his attention to the record praying that she doesn’t have an evil twin that is going to pop out from the mirror. He shakes his head acknowledging how stupid that sounded, his fiancée a psychotic woman, yeah right, though she did look like she had ‘a little crazy’ in her at times.
“You want talk about the whole Collin?” She starts about to sit down on the sofa in the studio.
“No I just want to finish this thanks, sweetie.” He adds trying to keep on her sweet side.
“Right” Tucking her blonde hair behind her ears she retreats, feeling like she’s fighting a loosing battle with a woman that isn’t even there and doesn’t even know how much power she has over this man that she introduced her to.
