We pull out of the house that Collin and his girls called home after hours of many phone calls to friends and extended family members telling them of ‘such a tragic event’ what the hell did they know? Sure they offered their condolences and sympathy but did they really care? Collin and I were always viewed as pawns, means to be used whenever anyone needed money or got in trouble but other than that we were often left to ourselves and up to our own devices. Rarely did we ever get invites to christenings or parties so how dare them after all these years ask if I need help? Fucking hypocrites! Families

It feels so strange driving one of Collin’s cars without his permission but I guess it always beats a rental. You never know what the last person did in that seat, or is it just me? Waiting at the traffic light I look over at Justin who’s turned on the radio and is currently humming to ‘Miss Independent’ I secretly think he wishes he made that song.

A wave of sickness washes over me out of nowhere as Collin’s lifeless features drown every other thought running through my brain, the way his olive skin looked drained of all colour or that lone blood spot bellow his lip, telling me that he must’ve spewed up blood before he died. God what were his last words? Was he alone? Was he afraid? The loud car horns send a jolt straight through me bringing me back to this present moment. I speed off, just realising that the light is about to change to red again.

“Babe do you want me to drive, you know I don’t mind. You’ve had a lot to deal with today.” This is the 4th time in the space of 10 minutes that Justin has asked me that same question and my answer still hadn’t changed. Why does he feel he has to baby me? It feels so patronising. I’m trying to avoid an argument so I smile sweetly and shake my head. The last thing I need is a fight before I pick up Kayla, she’s so sensitive especially now, I don’t think anyone has had the heart to explain to her that ‘daddy isn’t coming home’. I pull up to the curb and almost immediately notice that Justin has gone pale and is starting to rub the palm of his hands on his jeans.

“We need to move.” He blurts out just as I’ve opened my door, it takes me by surprise and I hate him for that because I’m not prepared for it. I haven’t even finished finalising my brother’s funeral and now he wants us to move, why would he want us to move? He just finished his studio, his ‘master piece’ as he likes to call it.

“What? Justin you just finished the studio, why do you want to move?” He gives me this perplexed look, like I should know the answer is obvious.

“Um we live in a 4 bedroom house.” A huge 4 bedroom house might I add.

“No way” I respond dryly. I can’t help being sarcastic sometimes, it’s my thing. “Justin this isn’t a time to be joking we need to speak to Alana’s principal.”

“Ari, what’re we doing when the funeral is over? The girls need stability, they need their family and” he stops realising I’m mentally berating myself, how could that have slipped me?

“I-Jus that’s a lot of responsibility, it’s not fair on you.” And I really don’t think I’m equipped to deal with my nieces I don’t think I’m that mom type.

“Arianna get a grip!” Ouch that hurt, I guess I asked for that. “Ali and Kay are a part of your life and because they’re a part of your life they have to be part of mine. I want this now stop, we’re moving.”

“J we just got the house the way we want it.” It’s true it took us all of 4 months to find the perfect house after he asked me to move in with him. God I was so young, Collin hated the idea from day one. He thought I’d be ‘the live in sex toy’ I didn’t speak to him for weeks after he said that, but he soon relaxed, dad didn’t mind so, why should he? Our house is perfect, it’s close enough to the old studio and only 30 minutes drive to my office and most of all its quiet, away from all the noise of the city and the prying eyes that just don’t give us a break. The rooms are finally the right shade of cream or white, or whatever colour his crazy interior designer decided to put on the wall and the tiles- that we spent weeks arguing over finally look right.

“Will you let me do this” He shakes his head leaving me in the car, it takes me a minute to realise that this man is prepared to ‘settle’ into a family role so easily because of me. I don’t deserve him.

“I just figured Chanel would take them.” I’m beside him and he shakes his head squeezing my neck playfully.

“Right, because we know how to get in touch with her” Justin seems shocked at the size of the school that Alana and Kayla attend. I must admit the first time I was asked to pick them up I got lost but Collin being the great father that he is, was (I have to get use to that) would be ‘damned if his babies didn’t get a good start in life’, hence the reason why he was paying $10,000 each for their private education.

“Chanel’s parents should know.”

“No.” He says simply as we gather our thoughts standing in front of the principal’s office.

She says all the same things my old principal said to me, it’s like they have some sort of script that they have to say to all parents (oh God I’m a parent? I’m only 25 –shit!) ‘Alana is smart, outgoing, polite, when she wants to be and has all the potential in the world to be an excellent student, IF she applied herself.’ Mrs. Lopez blames her friends as a bad influence and then pulls out a file with offences that my sweet niece, Alana has committed- kissing Craig Timmons underneath the stairs, (I’m sure Collin had a heart attack with that one she’s only 11) several malicious notes in the girl’s bathroom, talking back to teachers, swearing, failure to complete home work and failure to attend class. Justin seems uncomfortable, and we’re both suddenly aware of the enormous challenge we’re about to take on.

“We” He uses his hands to circle the both of us. “Arianna and I are taking Ali and Kay back with us to LA after the funeral. Do you have a sister school out there?” Mrs Lopez’s cheeks went beet root red, I’m sure she can now officially boast that ‘THE Justin Timberlake spoke to her’. She saucily gets up from her chair and although I don’t think Justin noticed she has a cute sway going on, it’s a lucky thing I’m not a jealous girl, most of the time.

“We actually just finished signing off on a partnership with a sister school, Saint Christopher’s’.” She pulls out the beige folder and hands it to me. “I’ll talk to Sister Mary about Alana’s arrival. They’re doing the same syllabus so she won’t have anything to worry about, unfortunately you’ll have to find a nursery for little Kayla, they don’t accept pupils until they’re 5 but we’ll put you on the waiting list.” This woman can talk, there is nothing more that I think she could say to me at this point, I just want to see Ali and Kay and she; as much as she’s helping is in my way. “And Kayla oh she is just a darling, always helping Mrs Arnolds, she’ll be an asset to whichever nursery she goes to.” We remain quiet trying to be polite as she continues her monologue about ‘how wonderful Collin was on the PTA and how much he’ll be missed’, I swear I’m trying hard not to breaking down but I can’t help it every time I blink I see my brother’s lifeless body on that cold slab of metal.

Justin is the first to stand bringing the conversation to a stop he politely shakes Mrs. Lopez’s hand and we follow the principal to Alana’s homeroom. I’m not sure how she’ll respond to me, but right now my stomach is doing about 50 flips per second as we stop at the door. Ali and I have always had a great relationship, I was the first person to see her after she was born, every chance I got I’d babysit my little niece. Being only 14 at the time, I thought I was so responsible taking care of a baby, changing diapers, bathing, feeding and taking Ali to the park were all highlights of my week. Mrs Lopez tells us to wait by the door as she goes in to get Alana. Praying that I see at least a glimpse of a smile I’m somewhat disappointed when she storms out of the room and hardly acknowledges either of us.

“Hey Ali” Justin smiles ruffling her curly hair as we once again follow Mrs Lopez to pick up Kayla.

“Justin Arianna.” She says coldly she doesn’t seem to be coping well and it’s just as well that we’re going to be speaking with Dr. Moody about bereavement strategies. Maybe she might even touch on abandonment issues. I’m not surprised though Ali had started to change a lot after Chanel left them.

We wait by the door for Kayla to come out. From inside I can hear her little voice as she rushes up to Mrs Lopez, quickly puts away her blocks and rushes out the door throws her bag onto the floor and jumps into Justin’s arms giving him a huge hug, I’ll only admit this to myself but I was a little jealous by Kayla’s reaction.

“Hey baby.” I smile, trying desperately to put on a brave face. My hands are instantly drawn to her untamed curls as I try to smooth them over.

“Auntie Ari are you going to taking us to daddy now?” How do I explain to my 3 year old niece that her father is dead? Everything in me is screaming yes, ‘I’m just picking you up’ but that’s wrong right? False expectations and all, but those brown eyes, how can I say no to her? Justin gently places her into the car seat and dashes to the driver’s side before I have a chance to argue.

“Guys are you hungry?” He asks trying to put on the same happy go lucky Justin that people often see in the interview, somehow I don’t think Ali is buying it as she stuffs her  IPod in her ears.