I can feel him slipping away further and further. I can’t understand why I’m sitting here not motivated to do something maybe get things back to the way they were, when everything was brand new, when those butterflies would keep me up at night waiting for his call. When he needed me like I need air, but it seems like we somehow agreed to this- I don’t know what to call it but emptiness.

I’m trying hard to love him, trying hard to see past this stranger that I share a bed with and get back to the man that I fell in love with. I guess it was inevitable. Our friends always warned us about this honey moon period wearing off, but we...well at least I didn’t think it could happen. Well not at least now. I thought our love would fight any adversity that it came up against- and for a while it did but I never imagined that our love would be compromised by my family- I don’t even want to say it out loud.

Since the girls moved in and the whole getting them acclimatised to their new environment took so long, not to mention the constant phone calls from Alana’s school telling us how ‘evil’ she was targeting my little niece as a problem child. Sister Maria even went as far as recommending an exorcist for her, for me that was the final straw, Justin and I transferred her to a closer school to our house. After that we just let things go.  I guess we just allowed everything to just drain us. The few months that we had together before Justin needed to be on set was a constant war of wills. The blame game on the ‘correct’ way to bring up children being a constant contention

Even before he left, Justin’s late nights were starting to take a toll on us. It’s like he wanted to be anywhere but here- and to make it worse Kayla couldn’t stop talking about him. “When is uncle coming home? Why can’t I go with Justin? I want JUSTIN to put me to sleep.” It’s hard! I don’t want to sound selfish, but I guess I’m just a bit jealous of the relationship that Justin and Kayla have. I mean I’m the one who has to wake up 2 hours earlier so that she can be ready for school, I have to make sandwiches, pull out clothes, comb her hair make sure that she brushes her teeth properly, cart her around the place, nursery, dance class, park, tennis lessons and friends who never live just around the corner. Why Justin and not me? I know that I sound jealous and I was probably the same way at 3, but I really feel under appreciated.

Not to mention these pesky files, reports and monitoring that we have to endure to determine if both Justin and I are suitable guardians; on top of my ever growing client’s cases. At the moment I’m just getting by with just reading the cover reports and getting exactly what my clients want, but that’s just not good enough for me- I hate the feeling of the possibility of missing something important when I get into negotiation but- AH the smell of burning rice pulls me back to the current task.

“Shit!” I whisper remembering that Kayla is in the living room watching Sponge Bob. Quickly turning off the stove I mentally curse myself at how stupid I had to be to burn the rice at 5 when the dinner needed to be on the plate in the next 15 minutes. Just then Ally walks into the kitchen with her I-pod attached to her ears.

“When’s dinner ready?” She mumbles searching the cupboard and pulling out a pop tart from the foil eating the untoasted snack.

“What do you want to eat?” I whisper hoping that she won’t notice the slight smell of burning rice in the kitchen.

“Anything that isn’t burnt- and I hate rice. Daddy doesn’t cook rice for us unless its brown but YOU wouldn’t know that would you.” Her words cut me I only want to be perfect for them but it’s so hard.

“Sorry, I’ll throw it away. I mean I burnt it anyway. So what do you guys want to eat for dinner?” Trying to ignore the pang of guilt tumbling in my stomach

“Mac Ds!” Kayla shouts above the already loud TV. “Fried Chicken and mash” Ally mumbles returning her attention to her I pod.  

 “Right go put on some shoes we’ll go grab some food and bring it back but you guys have to be good we have Belinda coming to watch us tonight.”

“How much is it worth to you?” I can’t say that I’m up with the teen mood swings but I’m some what confused at how Ally  can be moody one minute and happy the next; I guess that’s when she gets her way. We pile into the car and I make a pit stop at the Popeye’s for Ally before going across town to Mac Ds. I know its really a bad start to parenting allowing them to have what they want but I feel like that its the only way that they’ll like me. Justin doesn’t have that problem they already love him- but me I have to work so hard for their love.

“Can we play in the ball pit please Auntie Ari?”

“Kayla- we have to be home soon.” I try to explain to the year old that we have appointments but I don’t think she cares at this point as the tears threaten to slip form her tiny eyes.

“I want to play in the pit.”

“SHUT UP KAYLA WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE A BABY!” Shouts Alana I think that throws her even further and now she start to cry “I’m not a baby!” on the top of her lungs.

“Ok Kay you come with me when I go in to buy the kid’s meal you can go play until its ready ok?” Instantly she stops and I have a really bad feeling that I’ve just been played.

I finally pry Kayla away from the ball pit 15 minutes later only to be greeted by the paparazzi waiting outside taking the girls’ pictures, and I instantly know that when Justin and Belinda find out about the junk food run I’m going to get a severe telling off from them both.

“Who are these kids Arianna?” Asks one dirty guy with an over grown beard

“Have you adopted them?” 

“Ooh she’s sweet- how old is she?” I was absolutely shocked that this old man would talk about my nieces in such a disrespectful manner. I quickly picked up Kayla placing her in the car seat, while the men continued to take their pictures. “Hey sweetie what’s your name?” He asked Alana, while taking her picture.

“Get in the car Ali!” I shout shooting the photographer a death glare.

“Ooh Ali sweet name!” Slamming the door I return my attention to the pervert that was talking to Ali a few seconds ago.

“Stay away from her do you hear me?” He mocks me and snaps my angry expression.

“I’m just doing my job sweet thing.” I shake my head and speed off praying that some major celebrity gets sent into rehab- selfish I know but I have to protect them.

The drive back was uneventful but the girls seem to be more quiet than usual.

“Auntie Ari?” Asks Kayla as we pile into the house.

“Yes sweetie?”

“Why were those men taking pictures of us? Did we do something naughty?” I choose my words carefully wishing Justin was here to help me explain but I guess I’m on my own for this one.

“No we weren’t naughty, but sometimes because- you’re so special they want to know what you and Ali are doing. Especially since Uncle Justin sings.”

“So...” I can see the wheels turning in her little 3 year old brain spinning. “So- why were they being mean to us?” Even I don’t know that answer all I can do is kiss her gently trying to avoid the question.

“Let’s get ready for bed shall we?” As if by magic the little girl forgets all about the nasty old men has vanished from her memory.

That night after explaining to an understanding Belinda about the paparazzi incident I decided to go to bed as Justin would more than likely be asleep after a long day on the set. I’m however somewhat surprised when the phone rings at 3 am waking me from my sleep.

“What were you thinking- Kayla and Ali are all over the news stands.”He throws the news paper on the floor briefly looking at the others stacked on the right of his desk in his room for the next few weeks. I’m a little taken aback at his tone, no warm hello, no how are you doing?

“I burnt dinner...I’m sorry.”

“Arianna you have to do better than this. We haven’t even released a statement to the press about the girls yet.” He says in a hoarse tune, knowing that he was probably mad with fear and anger after hearing what the photographer said to Ali.

“I’m so sorry.” I repeat.

“I’ll be home next week please can you try and keep them away from the press as much as possible. They’re saying that they’re my children from a previous relationship.” I only imagine him pinching his temple to relieve some of the building tension in his body.

“Oh yeah that makes sense, you’d have had to be like 16 when you got whoever pregnant.” I laugh trying to ease the mood.

“Well they aren’t lying they are our children.”I try to remain quiet not wanting to admit it yet; I don’t think I’ve still come to terms with my brother’s murder, even though many explained that I would after the funeral. It’s been 3 months and I still don’t believe it, I sometimes find myself picking up the phone to call him for my weekly update but then remember he isn’t around. “Ari” He shouts my name and I know that I’ve missed the best part of a conversation.

“Sorry J- I’ll try harder I promise. I’m just tired can I call you in the morning?”

“Get some sleep- I’ll be home soon.”

“I love you.” I whisper trying to test the level of anger

“Bye.” I guess that answers it he never hangs up without saying I love you. I guess I’m in the dog house for the rest of the week.