Two days.    

It's been exactly two days, five hours and 34 minutes since I walked out on Justin and our fight.    

Maybe I should have stayed and tried to sort things out, but he just made me so damn mad. He is so unbelievably set in his ways and it's next to impossible to change his mind, about anything.    

A reasonable person would have let me explain, and maybe even tried to see my side of things, but not Justin. He thinks he knows every damn thing and refuses to look at anything from a different angle.    

In some ways, that unrelenting attitude can be a good thing, but in a situation like this, it's infuriating.    

He could have kept his opinion the same if he wanted to. All I wanted him to do was listen.    

Unfortunately, I let my anger get the best of me and I said some things I didn't really mean. But... I was also able to say some things I've been holding in for quite awhile.    

I didn't want Justin to break up with me, that much I'm certain of. But, I didn't want him to leave his career behind either.     

Honestly, I don't know what the hell posessed him to choose me over work. I don't doubt that he loves me, but he shouldn't be putting me above his career.    

Part of me really, truly believes he did it because he was afraid. We didn't have a clue what Jc's book would say and Justin was terrified it would make him look bad. He never said it, but I know him well enough to know that's exactly what he was thinking.    

He'd gotten so much negative publicity already, something else added to it would have killed him.     

I guess he figured it was better to walk away with his career at it's ultimate high, rather than watch himself fade in obscurity.     

Maybe, if I'd been in his position, I would have done the same thing in that regard, but the second I found out what was really going on, I would have gone straight to Johnny. I still haven't figured out why he won't do that. It just doesn't make any damn sense.    

"Madison, can you focus here?" Jc sighs as he snaps his fingers in my face.    

"Oh...umm, yeah.... sorry." I clear my throat and turn my attention to the man in front of me.    

I really, really hate auditions. They're never fun for anyone, and I almost always feel bad when we turn someone down. There really ought to be a simpler, nicer way to do this.     

Personally, I don't see why we can't go with the band we used for the last tour, but whatever. The powers that be have decided I need a new band, so a new band I shall get.    

Once the band is actually hired, the real fun will begin. They'll have two weeks to learn my entire catalog, then we've got a few weeks worth of appearances, and then we hit the road.    

It's gonna be insane, to say the least.    

I should be on top of the world right now, but after the blow up with Justin, it's almost impossible to focus or be excited about much of anything.    

I acted like such an idiot. I could have handled the whole thing with a little more grace and a lot less attitude. I shouldn't have hit him with everything at once.    

I just keep going back over everything in my head and one minute, I'm madder than hell at him, and the next... I'm completely sympathetic toward him.    

I guess I should be used to this kind of thing by now. Nothing about Justin and I has ever been stable or simple. It's been a massive fucking complication from day one.    

The auditions continue for another hour before Jc finally realizes that I'm completely useless and sends me on my way.    

I know I should probably go home and get some rest, but I'm not going to be able to function properly until I talk to Justin. As silly as it sounds, he's become a part of me and even just a couple of days without him is throwing me off.    

It doesn't take long before I'm pulling up that familiar driveway and I immediately spot Justin in the garage, loading bags into the back of his Escalade.    

Not a good sign.    

"Hey." I say quietly and offer him a small smile as I step into the garage.    

"Hi." He replies flatly, not so much as even glancing at me.    

"You going somewhere?"    

"Home. Just for a couple weeks." He shrugs and takes a seat on the bumper of the truck. "You need something?"    

"I was kind of hoping we could talk."    

He nods slowly before a bitter laugh escapes and he rolls his eyes. "Honestly Madison... I'm not so sure there's anything left to talk about. You picked your side."    

"Why does this have to be about sides?"    

I can feel my anger building up, but I have to keep my cool. The only way we're going to solve anything is if atleast one of us stays calm. Preferably, we both will, but knowing Justin's temper, that's kind of a long shot.    

"Because it is." He says simply and shrugs. "Madison... I know you thought you were doing the right thing by trying to smooth everything out, but some shit just needs to be left alone. Alright, fine... the book isn't too far off base, but-"

"You read it?"    

"Yeah." He sighs loudly and rolls his eyes. "I'm not as close minded as you seem to think. But, what's in there doesn't change anything for me. I give him credit for getting the truth out there, but he caused a lot of shit in the process and I can't forgive that."    

"So, you still don't want him around?"    

"Not exactly. I mean, I know you've got all the faith in the world in the guy, but how do you know he won't pull some shit again?"    

"I don't." I nod in agreement. "But, I've got hope, ya know? Justin... I don't want to be all bitter and cynical because I got screwed around a few times. I can't go through life not trusting everyone and everything."    

"I get that. But... in this line of work, well... your line of work, you gotta be like that."    

"Justin... just go to Johnny, please? Obviously, you're not happy."    

"Actually, I am." He chuckles softly and shakes his head. "I've finally got this huge weight off my shoulders and it's amazing. Maybe I'll go back eventually, but I want some time to myself. I want a real life."    

"Time to yourself?"    

Oh God.    

This is it.    

This is the moment where every stupid thing I've said and done is coming back to bite me in the ass.    

He's breaking up with me.    

I take a deep breath and do everything I can to keep my tears at bay. Call me crazy, but I really never saw this day coming.    

"I didn't mean it like that." He laughs and stands up quickly, pulling me against him. "Madison, calm down sweetheart."    

I'm glad he seems to find my overreacting so amusing.    

"Calm down?" I laugh humorlessly and roll my eyes. "How am I supposed to calm down when you're saying that shit? If you're about to dump me, just do and get it over with. I don't want some long, drawn out, bullshit speech. Be a man and just fucking do it."    

"Madison... I'm not breaking up with you." He sighs and shakes his head. "What the hell even brought that up?"    

"Everything you just said! You want time to yourself.... you want a real life. Let me guess, that real life doesn't include a musician girlfriend, does it? Face it Justin, you may have stopped working, but it doesn't change where you came from. People are always going to follow you and take your picture. You're always going to be in some stupid magazine. I know, because I've gotta deal with it too. That stuff doesn't go away just because you do. And... if you're with me... it's still gonna be around."    

"I know that, and that's not what I'm saying. I just don't want the pressure and the other bullshit. It doesn't have anything to do with you. I just need a break. For the millionth time, Madison... I'm not breaking up with you. Unless... unless that's what you want."    

"Of course not." I scoff and roll my eyes at him.    

So much for keeping my cool, huh?    

I just couldn't help it. I mean... how does he say that shit and not expect me to jump to conclusions? And... just what the hell makes him think I'm anywhere near ready to end our relationship? Surely my reaction just now is enough to prove that I am in this thing wholeheartedly.    

"Alright then." He nods and swallows hard. "So, we're cool there, right?"

"I guess."    

"Come on Madison... work with me here."     

My expression softens at the pleading tone in his voice and I can't help but roll my eyes. One day, I swear... I'm gonna get the hang of this adult relationship thing.    

"So... now what? Where are we supposed to go from here? We're not breaking up, but there's still all this other shit..."    

"Honestly... I don't know." He shrugs. "I don't want Jc involved in any aspect of my life, but if that's who you want handling all of your stuff... fine. I don't like it, but I'm behind you no matter what."    

"Don't do that." I mutter and roll my eyes. "You can't be supportive and completely disagree with what I'm doing Justin. It can't work like that. We've gotta reach a common ground somewhere."    

"Baby... we are fine, alright? Granted, sometimes I want to fucking strangle you, but I know we aren't gonna be perfect. We're not always going to agree on everything, and I'm ok with that. You've just... You gotta start sticking stuff out, ya know? You can't run away from everything."        

"I know." I sob and roll my eyes at my own stupidity.    

I am far too emotional for my own good sometimes.    

"And, I get that you're willing to let all that Jc shit go, but I'm not. And... you've gotta know just how much of a slap in the face that was to me Madison."    

"I wasn't really thinking like that." I shrug lamely. "I just wanted to fix everything."    

"Some shit can't be fixed. All we can do is-"    

I don't even let him finish before my lips crash against his, and his hands come to rest on my hips. I don't know how, but we have to find a way to get past all of this.    

I mean, maybe him going home, and me going on tour will actually be good for us. Maybe we really need some time apart.    

He pulls away from me suddenly and his eyes lock with mine. "I really did give it up for you, ya know. Johnny told me to choose and it was no fucking contest."    

"I know." I nod and smile through my tears. "I was so stupid..."    

Deep down, I think I knew the real reasons he left his career behind. I think I was so caught up with being angry, I just wanted to hit him where it hurt.    

That's one thing I'll say for us... we definitely know what buttons to push, and just when to push them.    

"I'm kind of used to that by now." He smirks and guides us into the house, never breaking his hold on me. "I love you." He says seriously and I nod as his mouth meets mine again.    

In a matter of seconds, we're in his bedroom, articles of clothing being pulled off every few seconds.    

It isn't until he's hovering over me, staring down at me with what can only be described as pure, unconditional love, that I realize, as long as we're both willing to try, we're going to be just fine.

********************

One Month Later    

There's this saying, that I've heard more times than I care to count in my life. I know it's meant to be comforting, but every time I hear it, I just want to kick something.    

Time heals all wounds.    

What a crock of shit.    

Time doesn't heal anything. It's more like a band-aid, really. It helps cover the cut, but at the end of the day... you'll still be left with that big ugly scar to remind you of the hell you went through.    

I wish I could say that Justin and I found some magical fix for all of our problems, but things are still just a tad on the strange side.    

We've agreed to disagree, I suppose.    

He's still harboring some serious animosity toward Jc and I still wish I could do something, anything, to put our once happy social circle back together.    

It isn't easy for us to have such opposite opinions on something so important, but we're managing the best we can.    

For all intents and purposes, our relationship is kind of the same as it's always been.    

Unstable. Chaotic. Illogical, and awkward.    

I mean, I can't sit here and paint you a picture of some broken, beaten down relationship because that'd just be a damn lie. Underneath the little bit of tension, we're still basically the same.    

We still bicker. We still talk constantly. We still goof off. We still have amazing sex, but most importantly... we still love each other.    

It's still us, just not as... united, as we once were.    

Which has it's pros and cons.    

On the plus side, Justin and I are both finally gaining some independence. We became obsessively dependant on each other, and that's never healthy, no matter how in love you are. We reached a point where we both wanted the other to have the same exact thoughts, feelings and opinions.  It took some time, but we finally saw just how wrong that was.    

We were slowly but surely losing ourselves to our relationship, and thank God we stopped it before it got too far. I don't even want to imagine what would have happened if we kept heading for self destruct mode.     

Then of course, there's the negatives.     

Justin and I realizing we need to be more independent means that we aren't focusing on each other as much as we were. Before, it was just the two of us constantly and now, we're branching out a bit, attempting to create separate lives outside of our relationship. There's even be a couple times that we've gone several days without seeing each other.    

He's been taking time out to hang with Trace and I get to spend some much needed time with Chelsea.    

As bad as it sounds, Justin and I taking this lackadaisical approach to our relationship has actually improved my friendship with Chelsea. There for awhile, I was convinced that we were really losing it, but now that I've had more time to spend with her, we've kind of been falling back into our old routines.    

We haven't sat down and hashed everything out, and I'm not so sure we ever will. Honestly, I don't even know exactly what went wrong.    

I know she was hurt by being kept out of the loop, but even after that... things were still kind of strained and I could see them getting worse. But, there wasn't anything I could do about it. I had so much shit being thrown my way, I just didn't have the time to focus on Chelsea and what was happening to our friendship.    

And, I really regret that.    

I regret letting all of this nonsense, from my bullshit marriage, to the shit with Jc, become bigger than the things that really matter.    

Maybe if I'd been mature enough to see the big picture and see what was going on around me, I could have avoided 90 percent of the things that have happened this past year.    

Fortunately, going through all of this shit and suffering the aftermath has forced me to take a good long hard look at myself. I've got a lot of things I need to work on and I'm happy to do it, honestly.    

There have been numerous times since we met that Justin could have very easily thrown his hands up and quit.    

But, he didn't.    

Through it all, he never gave up and he never stopped trying to help me, even when he got nothing in return.    

I can't even begin to repay him for everything he's done, but I can change my negative habits to make life easier. And that's exactly what I plan on doing.    

Things aren't as perfect as I'd like, but I'm going to try my damnedest to get them as close to perfection as I can. I know it's going to take some work, and I'm totally ok with that. I'm ready and willing to do whatever I have to, to make things right again.    

I guess the hardest thing to deal with right now, is the fact that I'll be leaving while things are still so up in the air.    

My tour begins tomorrow and I'm not so sure I'm ready for it. I spent so much time just waiting to get back to work, it almost doesn't seem real.    

I'm scared shitless, honestly.    

Sure, the album has done incredibly well, but what if I get out there on the road and blow it? What if Justin and I can't handle the distance? What if Jace isn't the good guy I believe he is, and finds some new way to screw me over? What if Chelsea and I take five steps back from the small improvements we've been making?    

These are the questions constantly running through my mind, and I haven't got an answer for a single one of them.    

All I can do, is hope.    

Hope that the fans love the live shows as much as the album. Hope that Jc has seen the error of his ways and does the honesty thing from here on out. Hope that Chels is more mature than I give her credit for. Hope that Justin and I are as strong as I think we are.    

I'm pretty much living on hope nowadays, and it's a little scary.    

But, that hope is what's keeping me semi-positive, despite my fears.     

Even though there are some underlying issues, I know things are fairly good and really, they can only get better from here, as long as we're all willing to work at it.    

And, call me naive, but I think we are.    

That's the funny thing about hope, no matter how bad things are or may seem, it makes you believe it'll be alright. Hope lets you see that light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak.    

And I've been stuck in a pretty fucking dark tunnel. But, I really truly believe I'm coming out of it.    

Everything is going to be ok.    

I'll make damn sure of that.