If someone came up to you and offered you a chance to change one moment in your life would you take it? Would you risk losing someone that loved you for that one chance at love with someone that might not ever love you back? I would, or rather I did. Knowing what I know now, I can honestly say…be careful what you wish for, you just might get it.
I know that sounds cliché and it probably is but in my case they’re words I live by now. I can honestly say that I’ve not made a wish since it all happened, since I altered my destiny and the destiny of someone I had sworn to love for a chance at a love I thought I wanted. I suppose in order for you to understand I should tell you my story. It’s one of love, broken hearts and even death. It’s not a fairy tale story with a happy ending so if that’s what you are hoping to read you should probably stop.
If someone had ever told me before that day I changed my life and the life of my lover that what I was about to do was even possible, I’d have seriously considered having them committed, and who knows, at the end of this you may very well feel the same way about me. Convincing you of my sanity isn’t important, convincing you to never make the same mistake is.
I guess now would be as good a time as any to tell you who I am. My name is Joshua Chasez, better known to most of you as JC, formerly of NSYNC and this is my story, better known to me as my rise and fall.
The year was 2008 and things in my life were going exactly the way I wanted. I had a career that people could only dream of. I was on top of the world and it was mine to lose. I had an openly gay relationship with a man I loved and nothing in my life was missing…except there was something missing. If you asked me today why I would alter my life and risk losing everything, I’d have to tell you I just don’t know but at the time, the prize I was offered was too much to resist.
I have loved two men in my life. One I was lucky enough to share a life with, one I had loved for years but could never have or so I thought. Those of you who thought you knew me back when I was part of NSYNC probably already suspect who I’m referring to. I’d like to tell you that you are wrong but why lie now, when the truth will set me free?
The love of my life, the man I had wanted to share my life with, was none other than Justin Timberlake. You are probably asking yourself why I would settle for someone else if my heart was always his or why I never took the risk when NSYNC was still together. I can’t really answer that but to say that at the time, I was too afraid of losing all I had. I probably should’ve remembered those fears; they would have served me well if I had.
I was sitting on top of the world, had made a name for myself outside the group when nobody thought I could. I thought I was invincible and nothing could stop me. It was this arrogance that drew her to me. She approached me in the club, not as a fan wanting anything from me but as a woman wanting to lure me in. She took the seat next to mine crossing her long legs and asking me for a light. I can still remember the way she looked. She had auburn hair that cascaded down her entire back and emerald eyes that shined as bright as the moonlight. Her lips were the perfect shape and begged to be kissed. Every inch of her body made mine ache with anticipation. It had been years since I had wanted a woman the way I wanted her and that should’ve been a warning sign that made me run but I was intoxicated with the beauty before me. She was trouble and I sensed this but didn’t care.
We talked and drank for most of the evening dancing closely together as her body teased mine with an offer before she asked me a simple question or it seemed simple at the time.
“What is your one regret, Joshua?”
I laughed and she smiled waiting for my answer. “I don’t have any regrets.” I lied.
She laughed then moving her body closer to mine, close enough I know she could feel my desire. “Everyone has regrets.”
I reached out and touched her hair, unable to resist running my fingers through it. “I suppose we do.”
“What if I told you I could grant you one wish, to change one moment in time? Would you take it?” She questioned before brushing her lips gently over mine.
“Just one moment?” I laughed, playing along with what I assumed to be a playful game.
Her face grew serious before she led me off the dance floor to a secluded table in the corner. “Yes, Joshua. Just one.”
I smirked, before moving close enough I could whisper in her ear. “My one regret is never telling Justin how I feel, how I still feel.” I was intoxicated enough that I told her the truth.
She placed her lips next to my ear and whispered as softly as I had done only moments before. “If I could give you that one chance to go back in time and tell him, would you take it? Would you risk losing everything that you now have for that one chance for love with someone that may never love you back?”
“Sure, honey.” I joked. “Why not, it’s not like you can give me that chance anyway.”
“Don’t be so sure, Joshua. If your heart truly wants it, I can give you the chance to alter your destiny but you need to be sure. There is always a price when you play around with ones destiny. All that you have right now could be lost and more.” She warned, but I didn’t really listen. To be honest I don’t think I ever truly believed she could do it but that didn’t keep me from wishing she could. I had nothing to lose by making a wish she couldn’t grant.
“Yes, if I was given the chance to do things differently, I’d take that risk.”
She smiled before getting up from her chair. She leaned down and kissed me hungrily on the lips. “Then you shall have that chance.”
Those were the last words she ever spoke to me before she walked out of my life as easily as she had walked into it. I grabbed my glass and drank the rest of my drink, feeling like a fool for even having such a crazy conversation. She was clearly crazy but what if, I thought before shaking my head and laughing at the absurdity of it all.
“Hey, you ready to go?” Jerry, the man I had sworn to love asked, pulling me from my thoughts.
I nodded my head before getting up from my seat swaying slightly as the affects of the alcohol started to work their way into my system. “Did you see the girl that I was talking to?”
Jerry creased his brow in confusion. “Josh, there was no girl.”
“Sure there was, she just left.”
“Josh, I’ve been sitting here with you all night. There was no girl. You ok, man?”
It had been my turn to crease my brow in confusion. I knew I hadn’t imagined her. I could still smell her perfume on my clothes and feel the touch of her lips on mine, the desire for her still coursed through my veins like a drug. “Yeah, I’m ok.”
Jerry took me by the hand and led me out of the club to our awaiting car. We’d made love that night for the last time and had I known it would be the last time, I’d have finally said the words “I love you” out loud. I know that he knew, or I hope he’d known, how I felt. I was just too stupid to ever tell him. I always thought I had more time but it turned out I was wrong.
Then next morning I reached out expecting to find him lying next to me but what I found instead should have scared the shit out of me and sent me running to the nearest shrink. Instead I whispered a name that I hadn’t spoken in years. “Bobbie”
