You would think once Justin and I had become lovers I’d have gotten everything I’d gone back to achieve and I thought I had as well.  It only took a few days for me to get the wakeup call of my life and realize how wrong I was.  I’d known the morning that Justin and I had slept together that part of it was because he was angry at Britney, but I’d foolishly allowed myself to believe he cared about me as well.  After all, we were still sleeping together and continued to do so up until the very end.

I wasn’t delusional enough to believe it was love back then but I was delusional enough to believe that it could turn into that.  What was the point of my going back if I didn’t believe at least that?  Having someone throw you out of bed, in a fit of rage, will calm those delusions pretty damn quickly.   In all the years that I’d known him I’d never seen him as angry as he was the morning the news had broken about him being gay and I’d certainly never had all that anger directed toward me.

 I still have a scar above my right eye where a shard of glass cut me when he’d flung an empty glass angrily across the room.  I can’t tell you who he hated more at that moment, me or Britney.  Britney for telling the world he was gay or me for being the cause of it.

It’s possible that I had only received the brunt of his anger, having had the misfortune of being in the room with him when he’d heard the interview Britney had given to Oprah, proclaiming to the world that Justin was gay and because of it, they were no longer a couple.  He couldn't really have thought it was my fault, or that I had anything to do with outing him.  My willingness to deny this small fact made it easier for him to convince me he was sorry, once he'd calmed down, for all that had transpired that day. To this day I can’t say for sure if he really was sorry or if he was just trying to keep me quiet and unaware.  It was just something we never discussed again because it was easier for me to live in denial than not, like I had during so many other moments that led up to...I'm getting ahead of myself.

The fact that Britney had chosen not to mention me as his male lover is what planted the crazy notion that I was in on it in his mind.  Why would she out him and protect me? He decided that Britney and I had conspired together to destroy him. In his mind there was just no other logical explanation.  It never occurred to him that he had seduced me into his bed not the other way around, and I would have no reason to out him, but thinking back on it, I’m pretty sure that was Britney’s plan all along.  It took me several cuts and bruises to convince him it was all a lie she was telling to split us a part. Sadly, it didn't take near as many apologies for me to allow him back into my life, back into my bed.  Love makes you do crazy things and the deeper you're in love the crazier those things get.  Besides, I'd given up everything that I had to come back so I could make him love me.  What other choice did I have?  Defeat just wasn't an option at this point.

The break up Britney and Justin had gone through, the first time, had gotten very ugly but it was nothing compared to this.  This time I was smack dab in the middle of it, someplace I never should’ve been but had chosen to be when I decided to alter the future.  Fate will come back and kick you in the balls if you allow it and I had freely allowed it.

I didn't know it at the time, but she'd seen us in bed together that morning.  She'd come back to try and fix things with Justin, hoping he'd forgive her for her indiscretion but instead, she saw the man she claimed to love wrapped up in another man’s arms, that man being me.  That was a huge blow to her ego, one she couldn’t handle.  In her mind it was ok that she was cheating on him, and I know for a fact it was ok with her that he was cheating on her as long as it was with another woman.  Originally, before I decided to alter things, he'd done it several times in retaliation before their final split.  In fact, he'd actually have done it later that day if I’d not changed things by stepping out of that hotel door, at that exact moment.  I altered everyone's future when I stepped into the hallway, instead of going to find some groupie to sleep with, like he'd originally done, he'd settled on me instead.  Things had changed then, just not in the way I'd hoped.  I came back to make my future better, not destroy everything I had even though it would take years for that to happen.

The Jive rumor control was in full force for the next week, and part of that control was having the five of us spend every waking moment in each other’s back pocket, making it easier for Justin and me to be together.  It never occurred to them that Justin’s gay lover was one of us, especially me.  I had Bobbie, who fortunately enjoyed money and fame more than she enjoyed destroying my life.  Who’d have thought her claim to fame would be being my beard?  Certainly not me looking back at how things with her and I had ended the first time around.

 When Justin wasn’t slamming me into a wall accusing me of destroying his life, he was the best lover a man could ask for, affectionate and completely devoted to me, leaving both the guys and myself fooled to his true motives.  He was obsessed with me and I was his property, it just took me too long to finally figure it all out, something that cost me dearly in the end.

I had always known that being in control was something Justin craved more than anything; I just never thought it went further than his career.  I never thought he’d want to control me as well and do whatever was necessary to make it happen.  I’d like to say it was so gradual that I didn’t notice it but it wasn’t.  I was just so in love with him, or so I had convinced myself, that I didn’t notice it right away.  If I could go back and change it…well, maybe that’s something for another time.

Justin had a way of making me and the others see things differently than they were really happening.  It’s crystal clear to me now that I’m no longer caught up in the ugly cycle that was our relationship, but I’m not sure the others will ever allow themselves to fully believe it, even now that…once again I’m getting ahead of myself. 

I can still remember the first time Justin hit me in front of the other guys like it happened just yesterday.  It’s practically embedded on my face.  Joey had been doing what he did best, acting like Joey.  He loved nothing more than to pick me up and spin me around until I was so dizzy I’d fall over laughing.  Normally, I could sense Justin’s moods and knew when it was ok to be playful and when I should remain serious.   This day I had allowed my guard to drop and I paid dearly for it and so had Joey.  Most people think that Joey injured his leg when the springboard malfunctioned during the taping of our Dirty Pop video.  That lie couldn't be further from the truth.  The truth about what happened that day could've ended our careers. 

Joey had been watching me as I walked on the edge of the stage pretending it was a balance beam, my arms out to my side, my eyes scrunched up in concentration.  Joey had elbowed Chris in the ribs, nodding his head toward me, Chris nodding his back in return as they both laughed at my silliness.   I smiled closing my eyes again and turning my full attention on the task I had set out to do.  Knowing I was completely focused on what I was doing, Joey snuck up from behind grabbing me and tossing me over his shoulder, running toward the back of the stage spinning me around as he went, enjoying the sound of my giggles.  Neither of us noticed Justin walk up blocking our path.  Joey ran smack into him falling onto his back with me dropping directly on top of him.  Joey flipped us over so I was on my back and his body was covering mine. I continued to giggle as he made goofy kissing noises at me and tickled my sides.  “Run away with me, Joshua,” Joey joked, laughing as I laughed harder. 

I went to shove Joey off of me, shocked when Joey was yanked up and tossed to the side like he was nothing more than a rag doll.  If I'd been paying more attention to the man that had just removed Joey off of me like he was nothing, and less on Joey, I'd have realized I was next and my punishment wouldn't be quite so gentle. 

Angry fingers gripped both my upper arms, digging into them as I was forcefully lifted from the floor.  My head snapped back smacking into the concrete wall as he shoved me firmly against it.  I wanted to beg the man that had me by the arms, pinned to the wall, to let me go but I could see it in Justin's eyes, they burned red with uncontrolled anger and hate, he wasn't letting me go.  My fate was determined and there was nothing anyone could do to change that. 

Joey had tried though, his effort not saving me, only prolonging my pain for a few more minutes.  Justin had turned on Joey like a rabid dog the minute Joey had touched Justin's arm, yelling at him to let me go. Justin had let me go, and I should've taken the opportunity to run but I was frozen in  place as I watched Justin shove Joey toward the center of the stage, screaming at him to never touch his property, me, again.  Justin shoved Joey hard enough he'd bumped in to Chris, who had been trying to pull Joey away, knocking Chris against the lever that released the springboard.  Three hundred pounds of steel landed on Joey's leg, crushing it, when he'd stumbled and fallen to the ground after Justin's final push.  Lance ran toward Joey, having only come onto the scene, as Chris tried to lift the springboard off of Joey and pull him to safety.  I started to move to offer my assistance, but Justin stepped in my path blocking my way. 

The first blow hit me in my left eye causing me to stagger backwards; I never saw the second blow, or the third, or any of them after that.  My arms and hands did little to shield me against Justin's wrath.  By the time Justin had finished with me, I couldn't move, I was both paralyzed with fear and pain.  Nobody ever heard about my trip to the emergency room that day, or my overnight stay.  Joey's incident overshadowing my beating. 

Makeup is one of the best things ever made. The next day I was back on set covered in makeup hiding every bruise on my face.  The others were all forgiving of a repentant Justin, my forgiveness not so forthcoming.   My forgiveness came later as he made love to me, promising he'd never hurt me again.  Like many other battered partners, that felt they deserved what they were getting, I forgave him and allowed him to have that power over me.  I had made this choice, never once listening to the warnings of the one that had offered it.  I thought I had known the man I wanted but I was quickly finding out I hadn’t known him at all. 

The Justin I had thought I’d known was sweat, caring and had fallen apart after his final breakup with Britney.  This Justin was abusive and wanted nothing more than to control me and would do whatever he had to in order to achieve just that.  It was hard for me to reconcile the man I had loved with the one I had gotten.  I had made this choice to come back, no matter what the cost.  I just wish I’d known at the time what that cost would really be.  Maybe I’d have done things differently, but then again, I never really believed she was telling me the truth to begin with. 

It wasn’t until several months later when NSYNC ended, that I realized what I had actually given up when I altered my future.  I hadn’t only given up a safe and loving relationship with Jerry for an abusive relationship with Justin; I had given up my successful solo career as well.   My success was now Justin’s and no matter what I did I was never able to find my own success again.  I was always going to live in Justin’s shadow, exactly where he wanted me to be.

It had taken some time, a lot of alcohol and drugs, but I had finally come to terms with my life and the way it was going to be.  The way Justin had made sure it would be.  Imagine my surprise, once I had finally come to accept things and the way they were, to see Jerry walk back into my life.  It hadn't been like the last time we'd met, this time I had loved him instantly, realizing the moment I'd seen him the mistake I had made and how badly I wished I could take it all back.  I had made that wish several times over the years but not once had I meant it like I did the day I saw him, my real soul mate; the man I was really meant to be with.  

I began an affair with Jerry that day, one that would last for several more years.  Him being my rock and the one I turned to every time Justin had beaten me.  I had kept it from Justin for longer than I had expected, him being too busy with his solo career to really worry about me.  I never should’ve underestimated Justin though; I never should’ve allowed myself to think that he didn’t know every move I made and with whom.  Why he had allowed me to live in this false state of freedom for so long, I will never really know, especially since I can no longer ask him. 

I had thought that Justin was my future and I had risked everything I had to go back in time to change that one moment so I could find that future with him, when all along my future was really with Jerry.  As I sit here writing this, I realize now that the risk I took was never going to end in the happily ever after that I had hoped for.  It was always going to end in the tragedy that it had.  Fate is a predetermined event, and no matter what we do to alter it, it will still happen. 

I truly believe that Jerry and I were fate and we were always going to happen no matter what I did, but I have to wonder if the outcome between all of us would’ve been the same since Justin was not a part of our life, until I changed things for us.  I brought the two of them together and I ultimately destroyed them both.  I had thought I had loved Justin and wanted a future with him but I hadn’t.  I didn’t realize how much I loved Jerry until it was too late and our new destiny had been determined.  I loved Jerry with everything in me and I had loved him enough to kill the man that had taken him from me, even if that man was Justin. 

Justin had come home to find Jerry with me in his bed, a risk we both knew we shouldn’t have taken, but neither of us had expected Justin to come home a week earlier than planned, and we certainly hadn’t expected him to come home carrying a loaded shotgun.  I had begged Justin to spare Jerry and take my life instead but he’d only laughed and said that I would have to live with Jerry’s blood on my hands.  Jerry had taken my face into his hands and forced me to look at him, kissing me softly on the lips as he spoke the last words I would ever hear him say, I love you. 

The sound of the shotgun caused me to jump as Jerry’s body fell into mine, limp.  Blood soaked my shirt as I shook him begging him to open his eyes and look at me as I screamed I loved him, too.  Justin dropped the shotgun on the floor and turned to walk away, never uttering another word.  I scrambled off the bed and picked it up pointing it at the back of his head.  I demanded he turn around and face me but he only laughed and continued to walk toward the door.  I never thought about the consequences to me, I no longer cared.  I just pulled the trigger and watched as Justin’s body fell lifeless to the floor as the shotgun slipped from my fingers. 

It could’ve been minutes or hours before the police came barreling through the door with their guns drawn, all pointing at me.  My mind and body were both numb and I no longer cared about what happened to me.  I just wanted this nightmare to finally end.  My trial was the trial of the century and it only took minutes for the jury to convict me of multiple murders.  Even in death, Justin had ruined my life.  I now realize he’d planned it that way.  You are probably all wondering why I’m telling you this story now, the night I am scheduled to die, when I refused to offer any defense during my trial, but I have no other choice.  I have to make sure that nobody else makes the same mistakes I made.  You may all think I’m crazy and what happened was all my crazy imagination, but everything I have told you is true.  I haven’t snapped and I’m not insane like many would like to believe.  I altered my life and the life of others all for something I thought I had wanted.  You can never go back and change the choices you made; you just have to live with them and trust that those choices are what will lead you to that happily ever after we all are seeking. 

JC looked up when the guard approached his cell.  He closed his eyes and said a final prayer.  He quietly stood, dropping the sheets of paper he’d been writing on onto the mattress before making his way to his cell door.  “Are you ready?”   JC nodded his head never speaking. 

The room was oddly calming, even though he knew his life was about to end.  He stared out through the glass at the members in the audience that had come to see him die.  His three former best friends sat stoically watching from the front row as he was strapped onto the table.  He didn’t even flinch when the needle was inserted into his arm; he hadn’t felt fear or pain since the night he’d watched Jerry die.   A woman in the back row caught his attention.  She had the same auburn hair cascading down her back and eyes as emerald as he’d remembered.  She stood making her way to the front of the room, stopping just short of the glass window, everyone else in the room seeming frozen in place. 

"If you could now go back and change one moment in time, Joshua, would you still do it?" She asked, her voice not quite having the same intoxicating affect it had all those years ago. 

He knew he shouldn't be able to hear her through the glass, but so many things in his life he'd known shouldn't have happened, had.  He laughed to himself before laying his head back on table and closing his eyes.  "The only moment I want to change is the moment I agreed to your stupid offer," he whispered. 

"A wise choice," she replied. 

JC looked up at the glass frowning when he no longer saw the auburn-haired woman standing there, wondering for the first time since this had all begun, if he really was crazy. 

"Do you have any last words you'd like to say?"

JC thought about it for a moment, shaking his head.  "No, I've already said everything I need to say."  JC closed his eyes and waited for the solution that was being administered, to end his life, to do it's job.   "I love you, Jerry," He slurred as the darkness began to take him.

"I love you, too, Josh,"  Jerry whispered.  "I'll see you soon."

Fate is a predetermined event and nothing you do can change that.