I went to my first counseling session. I’m still not sure if I can say it was a good experience or a bad one. It was good because I actually talked and got some shit out, it was bad because I got some shit out. I was feeling better, or at least not thinking about my girls every second of the day, but now I’m back to that again.

         When I got back to my room Delia was laying in her bed. She looked over when I came in and then turned her gaze back to the ceiling, “How was it?” she asked softly.

         “I don’t know,” I answered honestly and fell on the bed, “How about you?”

         “I don’t know, it’s mixed, you know? You know. It’s kinda like they bring stuff up that I wish they didn’t but I guess it’s good to get it out there.”  She sat up and pulled a hoodie over her head, “Anyway, I’m really liking this whole AC thing, it’s nice and cold.”

         “Yeah, it’s a lot cooler with it,” I agreed. I can’t take how we’re being so quiet, we were doing well with getting our minds off the shit and then we had to go to the damn sessions and now it’s all I can think about.

         “Can we talk… about stuff?” D broke my thought, it’s like she can read my mind.

         “Yeah, definitely, let’s talk about… stuff.”

         “Good, cause this whole thinking about other stuff just isn’t working.” She paused for a second before continuing, “ So you live in LA, right?”

         “Yeah,” I nodded my head.

         “Are you going back?”

         “I guess,” I haven’t really thought of that. “I mean, I don’t know, maybe not right away. I guess I’d have to go back at some point. I don’t really want to, I’d rather stay here.”

         “Then stay.”

         “Yeah, maybe. It’s not like I’m going to go work or anything, good idea. What about you?”

         “I live here.”

         “What do you do?”

         “I used to work at a newspaper.”

         “Used to?”

         “Yeah, well I just kind of stopped going. They were asshole anyway. Can you believe they took out a notebook and tried to interview people at the funeral?”

         “That’s fucked up.”

         “Seriously fucked up,” she agreed, “I did so much shit for them too, I never called out, and I always stayed way longer than I had to.” She paused and sighed, “Whatever, it was a stupid job anyway.”

         “Yeah, sounds like it. You’ll find something else that you love to do.”

         Delia nodded her head and pulled her hood over her head, “What about you?”

         “What about me?”

         “I mean, I know you sing or whatever, but is that it? Are you going to go back to doing that after?”

         “Uh, yeah I guess. I haven’t really given it much thought, to be honest. I don’t think I’m going to want to go out and tour again, but who knows. Sometimes that helps me deal with shit. Maybe I’ll just focus on writing and work with other people, do more behind the scenes stuff,” I stopped when I heard her make a noise, “Are you alright?”

         “Yeah, I just like… my stomach feels all weird.”  She reached her hand down to touch her stomach. I really am having a hard time dealing with her whole being pregnant thing. It just worries me, I can’t even imagine what it would be like if she were to loose the baby, but I’d say there’s a good chance that could happen. I know when Kelly was pregnant the doctor kept telling her how every little thing can effect the baby; I can’t even imagine how being so depressed and stressed could effect it.  “Do you think she’s kicking? Could she be kicking?”

         “I guess, how far along are you? Three months?”

         “More like four I guess.”

         “You guess?” I asked with a chuckle, “How do you not know?”

         “I do know. It’s four, like four and a half. I totally think she’s kicking,” she chuckled quickly and smiled, “She’s going to be a soccer player, come over here and feel.”

         I stood up and sat on her bed, she grabbed my hand and put it under her sweatshirt. I felt the baby kick, “That’s definitely a kick.”

         “You know, I never really wanted kids. But Chase wanted them so bad and I was like, well if it happens it happens. After like the first few months we were married I was still taking my birth control pills,” she laughed, “He thought I stopped, but I was way too nervous about the idea of having a kid. So then, I realized what a good father he’d be and how he’d be there so even if I’m a sucky mother the kid won’t be completely screwed cause it’ll have him. So of course, it figures that I get pregnant and he never even knew. And now I’m supposed to raise this kid myself and I can’t even take care of myself. She’s kicking, and it’s all real now.”

         “It’s different when it’s your kid,” I spoke up to calm her down. This is exactly what I mean; she goes from being in a decent mood to crying in a matter of seconds, that can’t be good.  “I didn’t think I could do it either, but it’s completely different when it yours, trust me.”

         “Yeah, that’s what everyone says. She’s kicking like crazy though,” she laughed between her tears and grabbed my hand again, putting it under her sweatshirt, “Why did you stop feeling?”

         I laughed and pulled her blanket so it was covering me too, it’s damn cold in here now with the air conditioner but I sure as hell am not about to turn it off. “It’s a she now? Yesterday you were positive it’s a boy.”

         She giggled, “That’s a lie. Alright, maybe I did but today I think it’s a girl, so…”

         “So… you really have no idea.”

         “Well, I don’t have super powers, how would I be able to know?”

         “I mean, yesterday you said you knew,” I chuckled, “Have you thought of any names?”

         “Not at all.”

         “If it’s a boy would you name him after your husband?”

         “No, Chase hated his name.  But… I don’t know, maybe a middle name. That would be good, right?”

         “Yeah, that’d be cool.”

         “Probably something from Shakespeare, that was kinda our thing.”

         “Like Romeo?”

         “No,” she laughed, “Definitely not Romeo or Juliet. That’s like his worst work.”

         “Then what, Hamlet?”

         “No. Like, Fleance.”

         She can’t be serious, “What?” I laughed, “You are not naming your kid Flea, do you know how much he’d get made fun of? He? She? Is that a girl’s name or a boys name?”

         “It’s a boys name,” she giggled, “OK, not Flea, something normal, like Aaron or Ajax.”

         “Yeah, name your kid Ajax,” I answered sarcastically, “That’s completely normal. If it’s a girl what will you name her? Clorox?”

         “No,” she laughed and rested her head on my shoulder, “I always liked Olivia.”

         “Olivia is pretty,” I answered seriously, “much better.”

         I felt Delia nod her head against me and take a deep breath.  “I’m sleepy. Don’t move, you’re comfortable.”

         “Alright,” I chuckled, “They need televisions in here.”

         “They do,” she agreed with a yawn, “and nicer pillows… and one of those chocolate fountains.”

         I looked down to see her eyes closed, she really was tired. There was a knock on the door and my heart started beating fast. I already went to a session today; please don’t make me go to another one. I know it’s supposed to help but whenever I’m feeling halfway normal it starts up again and I don’t want to get into it again today.

         When the door opened I saw my mother walk in, and Delia jumped at least a foot in the air. “It’s just my mom, calm down,” I assured her, “Hey Ma,”

         “Hi Darlin’, how are you doin’?”

         “I’m alright, it’s good to see you,” I stood up to give my mother a hug, “This is Delia.”

         “Of course,” my mother said with a smile, “How are you doing sweetie?”

         “I’m alright,” D said as she too stood up and gave my mother a hug, “It’s nice to meet you.”

         “How far along are you?”

         “Four and a half, she’s kicking, want to feel?” Delia didn’t wait for my mother’s response before placing my mother hand under her sweatshirt and on her belly. Not that my mother would have opposed, she’s all over everything baby.

         “Would you look at that? She’s a full out punter,” my mother laughed. “I thought I’d take ya’ll out for dinner. How does that sound?”

         “Yeah, cool,” I answered, “What do ya say, D?”

         “Oh, I don’t want to… I’ll let you go, you don’t want me tagging along.”

         I know she wants to come, when has this girl ever turned down food? I also know she’s probably worried that we’re going to drive wherever it is we go, and she’s still not into the whole car thing. “No, you have to come. Come on, what are you going to eat, this shit they give us here? No way, we’ll go down to the diner. It’s just a short walk,” I told my mother.

         “Yeah, wherever you want to go.  I’d love for you to come sweetie.”

         Delia looked between my mother and I a few times before nodding her head. “If you don’t mind, I can always eat.”

         “Of course,” my mother said as she placed her arm around Delia, “When I was pregnant with Justin, oh lord, I still remember that craving for food. All I wanted to do was eat. It didn’t even matter what it was, I just wanted food. I felt like such a pig at first but then I just said screw it and gave in. When else do you have the excuse to eat as much as you want?”

         “Oh, I gave in from the beginning,” Delia answered with a laugh.

         I stayed back as they walked out the door; I wonder how long it’ll take for them to realize I’m not with them. Probably not until they get to the diner, hell probably not until they get back and see me still sitting on the bed.

         Hello, you’re my mother. You just met this girl two minutes ago and now you’re all about sharing your pregnancy stories like I don’t even exist. I’ll never understand girls and their weird bonding moments, with other females they don’t even know.  It’s a good thing; I’m only half serious in the fact that it’s kind of annoying. Delia needs to get her mind off shit; she’s got the baby to worry about. I just have me.

         “Aren’t you coming?” Delia came back into the room and put her arm in mine, “come on, I’m sorry for stealing your mom.”

         “You’re not stealing my mom,” I chuckled, “I was just grabbing my hat.”

         “OK, thanks for inviting me for dinner. I’m glad I got stuck with you here.”

         “Me too, kid. Take off your sweatshirt, you’re not going to need it outside.”

         “Oh yeah,” she nodded and pulled it off, “My belly is getting… so fucking big.”

         “Well yeah,” I laughed, “You’ve got that thing growing inside you,” I answered the way she’s so living referred to the fact that she’s pregnant.

         “Yeah, that thing that kicks and has a heart and stuff. It’s like… a baby growing inside me.”

         “That’s usually how it works.”

         “I know but it’s like, kinda cool.”

         “It’s extremely cool Delia,” I laughed and opened the door, “Come on now, I know you’re hungry. If we make it fast enough maybe we’ll get the crazy waitress again and she’ll give us that look she gives us when we show up for two meals in a row.”