“The room looks amazing,” Katie said as she walked around the newly set up baby’s room like a trapped polar bear, going the same route over and over again, “Like, something straight out of a magazine.”

         “I know, isn’t it awesome?”

         “Amazing,” she smiled and stopped at the picture of Chase and I, “I love that picture.” I nodded my head, unable to think of something to say. “Are you doing alright?” she turned around to face me.

         “Yeah,” I nodded my head again and fixed the diapers on the changing table that obviously didn’t need to be fixed. “It just… sucks that Chase isn’t here.  It sucks that he didn’t even know that I was pregnant, ya’know? He wanted a kid so bad.”

         “I know sweetie. But it’s also kinda cool cause it’s like you still have a piece of him, you still have this kid that’s half of him.”

         I nodded my head one more time. I’m thinking of Chase a lot more since Justin went back to Los Angeles. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. I kind of feel like it’s bad that I don’t think about him as much when Justin is around. Although, I guess it’s good. I confuse myself with all this over thinking.  “Want a cupcake?”

         “Yeah, sounds good.”

         We headed downstairs and sat in the kitchen after I grabbed the tray of cupcakes. “They’re good,” I said before taking a huge bite. I could live off cupcakes, I’ve decided. They’re so amazing.

         “So when is your partner in crime coming back?”

         I held up two fingers while I finished chewing, “Not tomorrow but the next day.”

         “He seems like a real cool guy.”

         “Yeah. He’s like me. He gets me and gets everything. Except he’s not as big of a mess as I am so he calms me down.  And he’s way into baby-ness cause he had a daughter and knows how to deal with pregnant people.”

         Katie laughed before grabbing her first cupcake, “Well I’m glad you found him. You guys are good together.”

         “Owww!” I screamed louder than I’ve ever screamed in my life, “That fucking hurts.”

         “What? What’s wrong?”

         “My stomach! Oww, oh my god!”

         I stood at the front door of my house unable to walk inside. I took a deep breath and looked at the door in front of me. Although I thought I’ve made a lot of steps over the past few months in dealing with the deaths of my girls now that I’m standing here in front of our house I feel like all that progress is thrown away.

         I took another deep breath before realizing how ridiculous I am. This is my house and I can’t run away from it forever. I need to deal with it.

         As I stepped into my house I stood in the doorway, taking it all in. It’s a good thing I decided to come alone; I need to do this on my own. It’s really not as scary as I thought it would be, although there is this empty feeling that comes along with it. Although it is empty, no one’s been in here for months.

         I went right upstairs and sat at the foot of my bed. I couldn’t tell you how long I was there even if I wanted to. When I finally gained the strength I went to pack up the things I came here for in the first place, then I went to Lemmie’s room and just stood there.

         I stood at the window and watched the sun set when I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket.

         “Hey D, how are you doing?”

         “Hi, Justin? Is this Justin?” a girl, not Delia, answered. I pulled the phone away from my ear and saw that whoever this girl is was calling from Delia’s phone.

         “Yeah. Who’s this?”

         “This is Katie, I’m Delia’s friend. We met a few days ago…”

         “Yeah. Hey, what’s up?”

         “Delia is um… I was over there and she had this pain in her stomach and it was real bad like she was screaming. So we brought her to the hospital and…”

         “Is she alright? Is the baby alright?” I felt my heart beating in my throat. God, I can’t take anything happening to her or the baby, I just can’t.

         “Yeah, well I think. I brought her in and they said the baby was coming now and they’re going to induce labor.”

         “WHAT?” I shouted and began pacing around the room, “She’s only 7 months pregnant, she’s got two more months.”

         “I know, but they said they had to.”

         “Well what’s going on? Is everything alright?”

         “She’s in labor now. Her mother is with her. I just know she’d want you to know and I figured you’d probably want to know too. I mean, I don’t think there’s anything to worry about. The doctors don’t seem worried, that’s a good sign, right? I’ll call you back when I hear anything.”

         “Yeah, make sure. Thanks for calling me Katie.”

         “Sure, of course, no problem.”

         Fuck.

         Why does nothing ever work out the way it should? Why the fuck does she go into labor the first day I’m away from her in four fucking months? How does that even fucking happen?

~*~*~*

         It was almost midnight by the time I got to the hospital. I was surprised that no one was around and Delia was in the room alone. I knocked on the open door, in case she was asleep.

         “Hey,” she smiled and sat up, putting the television on mute, “You’re supposed to be in LA.”

         “I’m back. I brought you a milkshake and some food from the diner.”

         “Thank you, that’s sweet. You didn’t have to do that,” she grabbed the bag and cup from my hands so fast there’s really no point in her pretending she doesn’t want it. “You didn’t have to come back.”

         “Of course I was going to come back. So, how is everything? What’s going on?”

         “I have a kid.” She smiled; I’ve never seen a smile that big before.

         “Yeah?” I felt a huge sense of relief and excitement come over me, “Everything all right?”

         “Yeah. Well no. I mean, he’s really small and has some health problems but they said that he’d be fine. They need to keep him here in the NICU for a while and they need to keep me here too.  He has this thing called apnea that’s when he stops breathing and like even turns a little blue or something. The nurse said that he’s in the NICU and they monitor that and there’s this thing in his nose that blows air into his body all the time so it keeps his airways open.”

         I nodded my head, “That’s nothing to worry about, I had that when I was a newborn.”

         “Really?”

         “Yeah. Don’t worry. What else?”

         “They said he has low blood pressure and his heart is beating weird but that’s nothing to worry about because it could just be because of everything. They said if it’s still off tomorrow they’d do more tests.”

         “I’m sure it’s nothing.”

         “Yeah, I hope so. That’s it. He’s really cute. He’s tiny though and his head is a little misshaped,” she laughed, “But the nurses promised me that it’s just because of the way he was laying in my womb and he’ll be fine. I hope she’s right because I don’t want him to get made fun of when he’s older because his head is crooked.”

         I laughed at her reasoning, I feel really relieved that it seems like everything is going to be fine. “He huh? So it’s a boy?”

         “Oh yeah,” she giggled, how could I forgot to say it’s a boy. That’s usually the first thing the parents say! “He’ s a boy. A really adorable, tiny, cutie pie boy.”

         “Named?”

         Delia giggled again, “Sorry, I forget the basic stuff. His name is Aaron. Aaron Chase. Cute, right?”

         “Adorable. Congratulations Delia.”

         “Thank you,” I don’t think she could wipe that smile off her face if she tried. “Do you want to go see him? We can look at him from outside.”

         “Absolutely.”

         “Yay! I need the wheelchair though, cause they get mad when I try to walk.”

         “How are you feeling?”

         “Fine actually. I’m in a little pain, but it wasn’t that bad at all. I mean, it hurt like hell but he kind of came right out. He wanted out.”

         Justin laughed as he helped me in the wheelchair, “That’s good. It could have been a lot worse.”

         “Yeah, I know. I just wish he could have waited a couple months.” I said as Justin rolled me down the hall, “It’s a relief that he’s out and everything but I’m still really nervous. I mean, what if something is seriously wrong with him?”

         “They have so much technology now D, there are so many babies born prematurely nowadays. It’s not as big of a deal as it used to be. Don’t worry, he’ll be fine,” Justin said a he placed a hand on my shoulder to comfort me.

         “Thanks Justin. Thanks for everything. Thanks for finishing his bedroom and for making me get it done instead of procrastinating forever. “

         “You’re welcome,” he answered with a chuckle, “Relax D, I’m glad I could help, I’m glad I could be there to help. I’m sorry I wasn’t here when you went into labor.” He spoke the last part softly, like he was really mad at himself for missing it. I looked back to see that his face matched his tone, he looks really upset about it. I absolutely understand. He thought he could go then so he would be back in time for Aaron to pop out. How could he have possibly known?

         “I know, what the fuck was that about? You said nothing would happen for the two days you were gone and look what happened.”

         Justin laughed at my sarcasm, “You’re right, it’s all my fault.”

         “Of course is it,” I smiled as we got to the nursery Aaron was in. “It’s right here, pull over.”

         “Pull over?” he laughed, “I’m pushing a wheelchair Delia, not driving a truck.” I laughed before standing up. Justin grabbed onto my arm, “Are you sure you should be getting up?”

         “Absolutely positive. Can you see him? Can you guess which one is him?”

         I stood in front of a wall with floor to ceiling windows, looking into the nursery. It brings back memories, memories of that day what seams like a lifetime ago that I was standing here with Kelly looking in at my baby Lemmie. Although, it was different then. Lemmie wasn’t premature, she wasn’t in an incubator and there weren’t tubes all over her body.

         “Justin?” Delia looked away from the window to look at me.

         “Yeah?”

         “Can you guess which one is him?”

         “Uh,” I looked at the incubators, unable to really see the actual babies all that well, especially not enough to tell which one looks the slightest bit like Delia. “That one right there, in the second row,” I pointed.

         Her mouth dropped open, “How did you know that?!”

         I laughed, as I held onto her tighter; she almost lost her balance there for a minute. “It’s got your last name on the side of the incubator.”

         “Oh, you jerk,” she slapped my arm, “I thought you could actually tell.”

         “I can’t even see what he looks like D, don’t take it personally.”

         She rolled her eyes sarcastically just as a nurse spotted her and wheeled the incubator closer to the window so I could get a good look.  He’s a lot smaller than I though he would be, a lot smaller. Honestly, now that I see him I’m kind of nervous. He’s so tiny. Compared to Lemmie, and she was on the small side herself. I feel like Aaron isn’t even half the size.

         “He’s gorgeous,” I said so I wouldn’t worry Delia, that’s the last thing I want to do. His arms and legs look like sticks. I could feel my heart beating in my chest.

         “He is, isn’t he?” Delia smiled, unable to keep her eyes off her son.

         “He sure is.”

         She laughed and blew him a kiss before turning around, “I’m really tired.”

         “Yeah, let’s go back to the room,” instead of helping her into the wheelchair I pulled her into a tight hug, watching her son carefully.

         “What’s going on?” she laughed.

         “Nothing,” I answered quickly, “Congratulations D.”

         “Thank you,” she giggled as she sat back down in the chair, “He’s so cute, isn’t he?”

         “Yeah, he really is. How much does he weight?”

         “Two pounds exactly.”

         I nodded my head as I wheeled her back to her room. I’m not sure if she doesn’t get it or what. Maybe I’m overreacting, I sure hope I am. But two pounds is hardly anything; Lemmie was six pounds seven ounces. Aaron is not even a third of the size Lemmie was.  His limbs look like they could snap off if someone looks at them the wrong way. How is she not worried? I know she doesn’t have experience with babies, but does she really think this is normal? I need to know what’s going on.  I know the doctors sometimes like to try and make everyone think everything is going fine, even when it’s not. When there’s nothing anyone can do they like to try and keep everyone calm and pretend it’s normal.  I’ll never understand why they do that; it just makes shit a hundred times worse when you don’t expect it to happen.

         “So where is everyone?” I asked when we got back to the room.

         “The doctors told them they had to leave, they said I needed to rest.”

         “Do you want me to leave?”

         “No, please don’t go. I don’t want to be alone.”

         “I figured,” I said as I grabbed a pillow and got comfortable on the chair.

         “Thanks for staying with me Justin.”

         “I’m not going anywhere, don’t worry.”

         She fell asleep the second her head hit the pillow. I don’t think she even knew how tired she was.  I waited a few minutes before sneaking out of the room. I need to find a doctor. I need them to tell me the truth instead of the bullshit. I need to know.