“Where were you?” Delia asked the second I walked into the room.

         “You’re up early,” I said to ignore her question. How am I supposed to tell her I was out there trying to figure out what’s really going on with her two pound son?

         “Yeah, the nurse woke me up early to make sure I’m alright. It’s a complete waste if you ask me, I’m not all right, and I’m tired.  That would have been solved if they let me sleep without waking me up to see if I’m alright.”

         “Why don’t you try and go back to sleep?”

         “That’s not going to happen. Now I’m awake and hungry and…” she paused as I sat down on the chair next to her bed, “Where were you? You never answered me.”

         “Just getting some coffee.”

         “Where is it?”      

         “Where is what?”

         “Your coffee!”

         “Oh, they… they didn’t have any.”

         “They didn’t have any coffee?”

         “No.” she doesn’t believe me, I’m a horrible liar, I don’t know why but it’s just the way it is. “I mean, they had coffee. It was cold.”

         “Cold coffee at 7 in the morning? Why are you lying to me? Where were you? Do you know something I don’t know? Where were you?”

         “No, I don’t. Calm down. I was just trying to get some more information on Aaron. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have but I just wanted to know what’s going on. No one is telling me anything.”

         Delia looked at me for a second before speaking. I can’t tell if she’s pissed or not. I could see if she’d be pissed but it’s not like I’m purposely going behind her back. I just think they’re feeding her bullshit and she’s not worrying when for once maybe she should be.

         Delia laughed, “The nurse kept telling me my husband was out there starting trouble.”

         “I told them I wasn’t your husband.”

         “So did I, and then they said; alright, you’re boyfriend and I said once again, no. Then finally she’s like, well your baby’s father and I said NO. It’s like it’s impossible for a guy and a girl to be friends, jeez.”

         She’s still laughing. It’s not that funny. “Are you alright?”

         “No, not really.” She stopped laughing and took a deep breath. “Do you think there’s something they’re not telling me?”

         “They aren’t telling me anything.”

         “I didn’t ask if they were telling you anything. I asked if you think there is something they’re not telling me.”

         “I don’t know D,” I took a deep breath and ran my hands through my hair, “I don’t know what’s going on.  All I know is to me he looks really small, smaller than the other premature babies there.  I don’t know what that means. Maybe they’re older than him, maybe they’ve been in the incubator longer. Maybe I’m over reacting and he’s completely fine. I don’t know. I don’t want you to get worried when we don’t know what’s going on but I don’t want you to think everything’s perfect with him when it might not be either. I really, don’t know what to say.”

         Before I finished she started crying, so much so that her whole body started to shake. It’s like she’s been holding it in for years but we all know that’s not the case.

         “I could be completely wrong. I don’t know anything about premature babies.”

         “They said he’s alright.”

         “Well maybe he is then,” I sat next to her on the bed and pulled her into a hug, “Don’t worry, we’ll get it figured out.”

         “I’m not worrying,” she pulled away from me and tried to get out of the bed, “I just want to make sure he’s alright.  He’s two pounds Justin, TWO POUNDS! We could go to McDonalds and get a cheeseburger the same weight as my son!”

         “You mean a quarter pounder, we could get eight quarter pounders. They’re a quarter pound before they’re cooked. It’s mostly fat and shit, that’s why they’re so small by the time you get them. After they’re cooked they’re like…” I stopped when I saw the look she was giving me. That was clearly not the right thing to say. 

         Delia stood up, or tried to but I grabbed onto her arm. She pulled it away from me and sat in the wheelchair.

         “Where are you going?” I asked as I stood next to her.

         “You mean where are we going. To see my son! I need to figure this out; I need to know the truth. I can’t take him being sick. I can’t take him dying.”

         I wish I could assure her that isn’t going to happen but I can’t. I can’t feed people shit about this kind of stuff like everyone else des. Too many people told me everything would be all right with Kelly and Lemmie; I know they just say shit to make you feel better. The problem is it doesn’t make you feel better. It makes you feel worse.

         So instead of lying to her and giving her false hope, I decided to push her and her wheelchair wherever she wants to go.

         Hours passed with the two of us sitting by the incubator. Delia kept her hand in the little hole and gently ran her finger along Aaron’s tiny body. I couldn’t stay still. I stood for a little, then sat down, and then paced around over and over. Where the fuck are the doctors? Why isn’t anyone saying anything? The nurses come in every half an hour and check the machines, then look at Aaron for a couple minutes, putting their hands in the little holes on the other side. Delia never takes hers out.

         She’s in her own world right now; she hasn’t looked away from Aaron since we got in here. She hasn’t said a word either. I’m the complete opposite. I can’t look at him for too long, he makes me nervous.  I look around at the other babies, I know it’s horrible but I’m looking for a kid smaller than he is. I can’t find any.

         I saw her parents looking in the windows, “Delia.” More proof she’s in her own world, even when I talk to her she doesn’t hear anything. “D. Delia,” I placed my hand on her shoulder.

         “What?” she asked softly, still not removing her eyes from her son.

         “Your parents are here,” still nothing. “D, your parents.”

         “OK.”

         “Do you want me to let them in?’

         “No, I want them to go home,” she has absolutely no feeling in her voice, it’s just empty. It’s killing me, honestly. “Yeah, they can come in.”

         I went to the door to let her parents in, her mom just kind of looked at me trying to figure out what I was doing here.  “She uh, Delia said you can go right in.”

         Her mother walked right past me but her father stood at the door with me for a second, “Justin, right?”

         “Yes Sir, I’m Justin.”

         “Jason,” he said as he shook my hand, “How are you doing?”

         “Me? Yeah, I’m alright.” Why is he asking how I’m doing? I’m the last one here that he should be asking.

         “How’s Delia doing?”

         “She’s… I don’t now. She’s kind of dazed out and not talking or anything.”

         Her father nodded his head, “Where are you off to?”

         “I was just going to go for a walk.”

         He nodded his head again, “Would you mind some company?”

         “No, not at all.”

         “Just give me a minute, so I can go see Delia for a second.”

         I went to the hallway and watched from the window as he went inside and kissed Delia on the forehead.  He said something and she nodded her head, still unable to take her eyes off Aaron.

         I’m a little confused about what Delia’s father wants with me.  Maybe he just needs some time away from it all, although he did just get here. He came out of the room and we walked down the hall, neither of us saying anything until we made it outside.

         “When did you get here?”

         “A little before midnight last night.”

         He nodded his head, “Weren’t you in Los Angeles?”

         “Yes Sir, I flew back as soon as I heard.”

         “I want to thank you for everything. I know it probably doesn’t seem like much but you really can’t have any idea how much you mean to my daughter. She really… I don’t think she would have gotten as far as she did over those months if she hadn’t met you.”

         “Oh, I feel the same way about her, but thank you. That means a lot.”

         “For you to fly back and… she really did want you here.   You make her feel much more comfortable with everything. I don’t know how you do it,” he let out a quick laugh, “But thanks, really. We’ll pay you back somehow, someday.”

         “Oh, that’s absolutely not necessary, Sir.  She’s helped me more than I could ever explain.”

         He nodded his head again, and smiled for a split second before he continued, “He was a good guy, Chase. He knew how to handle Delia; he knew how to take care of her when she needed that extra help. He loved her, he really loved her.  And she loved him, more than anything.  I never saw her as happy as she was with him.  When I first heard he didn’t make it I thought I’d never see her smile again, and that killed me. For those months before she went to that center I never saw her smile.  You know, even to this day, or that period between getting out of the center and coming in here I didn’t see her smile that much. But when she was with you, or she was telling us you were coming over or she was even talking about you she had a smile really similar to that smile she had with Chase. I never thought I’d see that again.”

         I’m not sure how I’m supposed to respond to this.

         “Alright,” he started walking again, “I just wanted to thank you for all you’re doing, it means a lot. Have the doctors said anything?”

         “Nah, they won’t say anything to me. They don’t seem to be saying much to Delia either.”

         Her father took a deep breath and placed a hand on my shoulder, “We’ll get something out of them.”

         Why does my mother insist on talking to me? Leave me alone! I just want to be here with my son. Why is that too much to ask? She asks how I’m doing but doesn’t wait for a response.  Instead, she just keeps talking about fucking everything. I’ve learned to tune her out completely but I wish she’d just leave.

         I noticed my dad come back in followed closely by Justin.  Justin stood by the door, watching either Aaron or me carefully; I’m not sure which. I still can’t take my eyes off Aaron so I’m dealing with peripheral vision here.

         My father placed his hand on my shoulder, “How are you doing, Delia?”

         “Horrible.”

         How can I tell my parents to leave? It’s not really that I hate them being here it’s just that they’re not helping any. We’re all just gathered around Aaron and honestly they’re making me more nervous.

         I’m sure some time passed, I couldn’t tell you how much. It could have been minutes, maybe it was even hours.  A doctor walked in followed by Justin. I didn’t know he left, but he’s back now, with a real doctor. This is the first time I’ve seen a real doctor.

         As hard as I tried to listen to him I couldn’t. I don’t know what’s wrong with me but he’s talking like the teacher from Charlie Brown. For the first time I moved my gaze away from Aaron to look at Justin. He’s listening intently so maybe he can clue me in later.  Now I can focus on Aaron again.

         “Come on kiddo,” I heard Justin some time later, “say goodbye, we have to get you back to the room.”

         “No, I don’t want to go,” I whined, “I want to stay here.”

         “You heard the doctor.”

         “What’d he say?”

         Justin laughed, “He said you need to let him be. He needs to be in the incubator and having your hand in there all day isn’t going to help.”

         “He did not say that.”

         “D, you’ve been zoned out for the past six hours.  You need to lie down and eat something. The doctor said you need to take care of yourself too.”

         “The doctor said a lot of stuff, huh?”

         “Yeah, weren’t you listening?

         “He sounded like the teacher from Charlie Brown.”

         He smiled, “Do you want me to give you a couple minutes alone with him?”

         “No, you don’t have to leave.” I said before turning back to Aaron. “Looks like I have to go sweetie. Stay strong, ok? Keep fighting. I love you so much already.” I turned back to Justin, “OK.” I said before he nodded his head and wheeled me out of the room. “I wish I could hold him.”

         “I know, you’ll get to in a week.”

         “A week?”

         “You seriously didn’t listen at all?”

         “I told you he wasn’t speaking in English. He was mumbling or something, I couldn’t understand him. I tried, I swear I really tried but I couldn’t do anything,” I whined, “What did he say? Do you remember?”

         “Yes, I remember,” he chuckled. Of course he remembers, why wouldn’t he remember? “Lay down first and then I’ll tell you.” he pulled the wheelchair to my bed and helped me out, “Are you hungry? Do you want me to see if the nurse can bring you some food? You didn’t eat all day.”

         “Stop trying to take care of me. Why won’t you just tell me, is it bad? Is it really bad?”

         “No, it’s not bad. Seriously, it’s not. I just think you should eat something.”

         “Maybe you should eat something.  Did you eat anything all day?”

         “No,” he laughed, “That’s what I’m saying. I’m starving.”

         “OK, fine I’m a little hungry. Let’s order a pizza. Can we order a pizza in the hospital?”

         “Yeah, why not?” he smiled and grabbed his cell from his pocket.

         “You’re always like the super pizza delivery rebel,” I laughed, “It’s like you’ll do anything to get your pizza delivered to places you shouldn’t get your pizza delivered to.”

         “Yeah, you shouldn’t be talking. You just make me do it and then eat it.”

         “That’s not true, I didn’t make you do it ever. It just happened that way. Just hurry up and tell me what the doctor said! Oh wait get cheesy bread too and soda! Lots of soda, gosh I missed soda.”

         I tapped my fingers impatiently at the bar on the bed. I don’t really enjoy this whole everyone acting like something’s wrong with me. Sure, I just popped out a kid but that doesn’t mean I need to lie in an uncomfortable hospital bed all the time. They should bring in a nice comfy couch or something.  That’d be nice.

         “Alright,” he put his phone back in his pocket, “Twenty minutes. You’re good?”

         “Justin! Tell me what the doctor said!”

         “Relax. He didn’t say too much. He just said that everything is progressing at a normal rate. And that Aaron looks good; even though he’s small it’s normal. He said his heart beat sounds really good and he’s really close to breathing on his own. Give him a week in the incubator and then he’ll probably be able to come out for a little so you can hold him. He just said it’s going to take time and you have to realize that he’s two months early so he’s going to need that time in the incubator or at least some of it.” Justin stopped for some kind of reaction but I didn’t have anything to say, “It’s good, D. Everything’s fine.”

         “Yeah but… how do we know he’s not just saying?”

         “Seriously D, it’s alright. I talked to him and he explained everything. It’s normal, Aaron is normal. I shouldn’t have said what I said. He’ll be fine; you just need to give him time. The doctor even said his heart sounds good, he said usually with premature babies they have heart problems but his sounds great. Chase is up there, ya’know, looking out for him and for you of course. It’s going to be alright, D.”

         I nodded my head and wiped my eyes before I could cry completely. It’s weird for Justin to say that. He’s the one that wasn’t going to church and even said he didn’t believe anymore.  Maybe he’s starting to get it again.

         “I’m surprised the doctor even came in. I didn’t think I’d see him.”

         Justin nodded his head, “I went with your dad to find him. Apparently the doctors only come in once a day and the nurses take care of everything.”

         “That’s dumb.”

         “I know. He’ll be coming in more to talk to you. We had a nice little chat,” Justin laughed.

         “What did you threaten him or something? The way you said it sounds like you’ve suddenly gone mobster on the man,” I laughed as I pulled my hair back. I really don’t know how I’d make it without him. Beyond all the ways he’s helped me at the center, then afterwards at my house, and with Aaron’s room, now he’s here when I’m in the hospital keeping me comfortable and making me laugh.  No one can make me laugh like he does, especially not now. I don’t know how I got so lucky with him.

         “No, I was good. I just explained the situation and he got it.”

         “Thanks Justin.”

         “You’re welcome Delia,” he mimicked. I don’t know if he gets how thankful I really am.  I seriously need to think of a way to thank him. Like buy him a planet or something, that would show the amount of thankful I am. I don’t even make sense. I’m tired.

         “I’m serious. Thanks so much for everything. You have no idea how much I…”

         He broke in before I could finish, “I know, D. You guys need to stop acting like I’m some kind of saint. I’m glad I’m helping but you’re helping me too, more than you get. So let’s just deal with the fact that we’re both helping each other and we’d be lost without each other. We’d both still be locked in our rooms if we hadn’t met. It’s fine. We met, we’re coping, it’s alright.”

         “OK, jeez.”

         Justin chuckled, “I just think that you’re building me up a bit. I really haven’t done that much.”

         “Are you serious? OK, you did Aaron’s whole room. You flew back from LA when you heard I was in labor and you’ve been here with me in the hospital since you came straight from the airport.”

         “Well when you list it out like that, alright. I guess I have done a lot,” he gave me a cocky smile, “Go ahead then, finish what you were saying. Tell me how thankful you are.”

         “Shut up, now it’s ruined.”

         “I ruined the moment, is that what you’re saying?”

         “Yes,” I laughed, “You most definitely ruined the moment.”