Pizza girl left. I don’t know exactly where she went, all I know is they called her name over the intercom of doom and she actually got up and left. Of course she took my plate of chips with her. It’s not that I care but she just grabbed the plate and left. There’s something weird going on with her. It’s like she’s always hungry or eating. And what’s with her obsession with pizza? Crazy people here, I’m telling you.

I, by no means, think she’s not sane. In fact, she’s probably one of the craziest ones here. I say that based on the whole inability to drive in a car to start. Then there’s the constant quest for pizza, and lying in mud for hours at a time. She’s in no way normal, but I do think she is one of the more rational ones here.

She did make me laugh a little, if you could call it a laugh. I was caught of guard, but she’s crazy.  I kind of like having her around though. It’s good to have someone around me that’s not asking questions. It’s kind of refreshing. Plus the fact that she phases out every few minutes give me the piece and quiet without feeling quite as lonely. 

I expected her to come back but she didn’t.  The rest of the afternoon I spent in bed just thinking. That’s dangerous, I’m good when I’m left alone with my thoughts. I wish I could think of something else, anything else, but I can’t. Everything always goes back to Kelly and Lemmie. The one thing I got from that group session and the countless therapy sessions I’ve been forced to go to is that everything will get easier. Everyone says I’ll get to the point where I can remember the good times we had together instead of just remembering that they’re gone. It’s so fucking scary to think that they’re gone. Sometimes I feel like I’m away on tour and when I go back home Lemmie will come running into my arms and Kelly will be standing there with that smile she always had on her face. They say I’ll just wake up one day and get to the point that thinking about them doesn’t hurt so much. When the fuck am I going to get to that point?

When the voice of doom came over the intercom again it was to tell everyone dinner was being served. I didn’t exactly have much of an appetite but I decided to go down there anyway because I knew if there was food Pizza Girl would be there.  Surprisingly she wasn’t there. I’m beginning to think she got out, or escaped… or maybe I should check if she’s outside lying in the mud again.  Instead of going back to my room I decided to suck it up and actually sit down with the rest of the crazies and eat the slop they’re trying to pass off as food. Sure, there is a big possibility I waited because I’m wondering what happened to her.

I didn’t eat much, except for a couple tater tots. I’m not used to eating when people tell me to. I’m one of those crazy people that eat when they’re hungry instead of when I’m told it’s time. It’s depressing down here with all these people. It’s depressing everywhere. I think it may actually be less depressing when I’m in my room. I don’t even know, my whole life sucks right now.

This food tastes like shit and I can’t sit here anymore so I’m going back to my room hopefully to sleep and get away from my thoughts.

Surprisingly enough I actually fell asleep and woke up to a pitch-black room. I reached over and turned on the light so I could check the time, 10:00. Damn, now I’m really going to be fucked up with this sleep thing. Of course, now I’m hungry. Guess it’s pizza again since that’s about the only thing that delivers and will be open now. It’s tough to get used to everything closing so early here after being in California for so long. Basically I can get food any time there, not so much here.

I need a walk, so I headed down to the front to meet the guy at the door. I know it’s going to be a little while before the pizza is delivered but I could use some fresh air. There were some rocking chairs on the porch if I remember correctly. I walked by the couch and then turned around when I realized there’s someone sleeping on it, with a pillow and blanket. It’s not like she just fell asleep on the couch, this was planned. Of course its Pizza Girl, who else would it be?

         Why is she sleeping on the couch? That doesn’t make much sense. I shouldn’t ask questions, she does seem to sleep in weird places, and this is better than a puddle of mud. She’s making steps. I don’t want to wake her because I know how hard it is to actually fall asleep with all the things going through her mind, at least if she’s anything like me. She must be, she’s here for a reason. I’m sure she’ll wake up when she smells the pizza anyway; she’s got a sense of smell like a dog. That’s probably not something I should stay out loud.

         I went out on the porch to wait for the pizza and get some fresh air. It feels good to get outside. It’s hard to even explain how good it feels to be able to sit outside and not have to worry about some asshole hiding in the bushes to take my picture. I might have to stay here in Tennessee for as long as I can.

         When I went back inside with the pizza I was surprised she didn’t wake up right away. I stood to the side of the couch for a few seconds before she got up. It was kind of funny actually, she took a couple whiffs before she even woke up and then shot up and opened her eyes quickly.

         “Why are you sleeping on the couch?” I asked before she could say anything.

         “My roommate snores and cries and snores and cries and… did you get pizza again?”

         “I did. You know, I have my own room.”

         “I know, you’re lucky. No snoring and crying. Can I have a piece?”

         “I’m saying I have an extra bed. You could stay in there instead of sleeping on the couch.”

         “Do you snore?”

         “I don’t snore.”

         She bit at her lip before answering, “OK. Can I have a piece of pizza?”

         “Yes, relax with the pizza.” I grabbed her pillow and headed back to my room. She better not keep me up all night.

         “Thank you, Justin,” she said as she threw her blanket on the bed and opened the pizza box the second I put it on the table.

         I nodded my head and grabbed the bottle of Jack Daniel’s from under my bed, “Want to get drunk?”

         “Yes, more than anything,” she took a huge bite from her pizza as if she hasn’t eaten in three years, “I can’t though. Thanks anyway.”

         “You can’t?”

         “Yeah, I can’t.”

         “Why can’t you?” I probably shouldn’t have asked that. She could be an alcoholic or maybe someone died drunk driving…

         “I’ve got this… thing growing inside me. They seem to frown upon alcohol consumption.”

         “A thing? You mean you’re pregnant?” she nodded her head as a response, “Congratulations.”

         “Yeah, yeah that’s what they say,” she said before grabbing another piece of pizza and lying on the bed, “Next time we should get breadsticks too and maybe some chicken wings.”

“How far along are you?”

“Like three months, a little more. Maybe extra cheese too because there’s hardly any on it this time.”

Obviously she doesn’t want to talk about it. I don’t understand how she’s not excited. God, when Kelly told me she was pregnant we couldn’t stop screaming for days. I don’t think I stopped smiling for the first four months.  “That explains a lot.”

“Cause I’m always eating? Yeah, I’m not just a pig I have an excuse.”

“Is this your first?”

She nodded her head and pulled her hood over her head, “I don’t mean to be a bitch but I really don’t want to talk about it.”

“That’s fine, sorry.” I should learn to take the hint and let it go.  I get interested in kids, or I guess the thought of someone having a kid. I never thought I’d be like that but I guess it comes with being a father. I can’t take the silence though, I’ll tell you that. It gets me thinking again about Lemmie and Kelly and how beautiful she looked when she told me she was pregnant. “You missed dinner though.”

“No, my dad came and he took me out. There’s this little diner down the street within walking distance. It’s really good. We could go there sometime for dinner. I have money now.”

I nodded my head, “Well you missed out. We had some good slop here.”

“You’d think they’d have good food here. I mean, we pay enough.”

“What’d you get?”

“Mozzarella sticks and a cheeseburger and fries with a chocolate shake and a hot fudge sundae.”

“Two desserts?”

“Yeah. I’m eating for two now, I get two desserts.”

“Kelly used to say that.” I answered softly. She never ate much more than usual while she was pregnant, but when it came to desserts she always had two. I think it was just an excuse to be able to have double the desserts but she swore up and down that she had to have two because she was eating for two. That didn’t explain why only had one portion of green beans or broccoli.  “What are you here for anyway?”

Delia finished chewing and placed the piece of pizza on her lap before holding her left hand in the air so I could see her wedding band, “What about you?”

I held my left hand up as well, “And my daughter.”

“Damn. How old?”

“Two.”

She shook her head and I was preparing myself for her to tell me she’s sorry but she never did.  I guess she knows what it feels like to always have everyone tell you how sorry they are. It’s weird that someone actually knows how that feels, I’m not used to that. “Sometimes I think I did something in a past life that I’m being punished for. Do you ever think that? Like, I feel like I did something incredibly bad that God’s punishing me for.”

“Oh, I don’t believe in God anymore.”

“You don’t believe in God?”

“No,” I shook my head, “If there was a God he wouldn’t have taken them. Kelly was like a fucking angel, she never hurt anyone. She went out of her way all the time to help other people. And Lemmie… she was only fucking two years old. She didn’t have enough time to live. She sure as hell didn’t do anything she should get punished like that for. I don’t know, if there is a God I don’t think I want anything to do with a God that let that happen to them.”

Delia licked her lips before speaking, “I have to believe in God. The thought of Chase being anywhere other than heaven just...” she cut off and placed her pizza on the table before turning her back to me.

I don’t know why I even brought it up. Sometimes it’s better just not to talk about it. Now we’re both back to feeling like shit again.  “Are you done with the pizza?”

“Yeah,” she answered in a whisper. She’s obviously crying, good job Justin. Way to go.  I put the pizza in the mini fridge before climbing back into bed and turning off the light. Now’s the time I wish there were televisions in this place. I’m not even a little tired and I really don’t want to lay her in the dark and let my mind run wild.

“I think we’re the only normal ones here.” I spoke up; I hope she’s not sleeping yet.

“Really?” she answered softly, “I don’t find myself very normal right now.”

“Yeah, well me neither. But we’re definitely not as crazy as the other people. Were you listening to the other people at the group session?”

“No, I was kind of phased out.”

“Yeah, you were. You have to teach me how to do that.”

“How to phase out?” she let out a quick half laugh, “I don’t know, I’ve always been a good phaser outer.”

“Phaser outer? You just made that up.”

“I did not! It’s real. You could look it up.”

“I can look it up? Really? You’re telling me the term phaser outer can be found in Webster’s Dictionary.”

“Sure, if it’s a good dictionary. I bet it’ll be in there.”

“Oh, you bet huh? What are we betting?”

“A pizza.” She answered, of course she would bet a pizza, “I’ll bet you a pizza it’s in there.”

“Alright kid, you got yourself a bet.”  She’s done talking. I can’t take the fucking silence, it drives me crazy. “Pizza with extra cheese and chicken wings.”

“You talk a lot.”

“You can have the snorer and the crier or a talker, your choice.”

Delia took a deep breath, “That’s fine but it’s like four in the morning, don’t you sleep?”

“I slept this afternoon. And it’s not four in the morning, it’s two.”

“Same thing. Breakfast is in six hours. I need to sleep before breakfast. What if I don’t wake up?”

I had to laugh at that, she’s so worried she’ll miss breakfast like it would be the end of the world. “Seriously all you think about is food. The intercom of doom will wake you up. I don’t know why you want to wake up for that slop anyway. If you stay up and talk with me now we’ll go down to that diner and get a real breakfast in the morning.”

“Promise?”

“I promise.”

“OK, fine. Let’s talk. What’s your favorite movie?”