Justin sure does talk a lot. I’m pretty sure he was still talking when I fell asleep. He doesn’t like the silence, I can’t say I blame him but seriously people usually tend to sleep at some point during the night. I get that the silence is hard, but it doesn’t really count as silence if you’re sleeping.

         I don’t know what time it is now because he got rid of the clock on the nightstand. What I do know is that it’s way past breakfast time because I vaguely remember waking up when they announced it on the intercom before Justin stood up on his bed and pulled some wire out of the intercom. We shouldn’t have that problem anymore.

         “Justin,” I whispered his name. I don’t want to wake him up but my stomach is definitely grumbling, I could use that breakfast some time soon. “Justin.” I called out louder this time.

         He turned his back to me and pulled the pillow over his head instead of answering me.

         “No, you don’t get to go back to sleep. Maybe if you went to sleep like a normal human being at a normal time you wouldn’t be tired now. But no, you had to stay up all night chit chatting.”

         Justin chuckled before turning back to face me, “You sound like a mother already. What’s wrong D? Let me guess, you’re hungry.”

         “Maybe. You said that we’d go get breakfast in the morning.”

         “I’m not going to back out of the promise. I just think we could wait a little longer,” he yawned.

         I shook my head and stood up, pulling the hoodie over my head. I’m ready to go. “Come onnn,” I whined as I sat down on the edge of his bed, “Seriously, the baby is hungry.”

         “Oh, ok you’re going to use that huh?” he asked as he sat up in bed.

         “Sure, if it’ll work I will. I’m really hungry.”

         “I know. I’m ready.” He said as he grabbed a sweatshirt and pulled it over his head. I followed him down the hall, no one is around anywhere. It’s difficult for me to really understand how this place works. I understand that we’re supposed to do all this group counseling stuff but I’m not sure where I really fit in. it’s not that I don’t want to go to the group sessions, I’m not exactly ready to spill everything to perfect strangers. Maybe I’ll be ready soon. For now I’ll just hide out in Justin’s room until they make me.

         “So, did you sleep alright?”

         “Yeah, thanks,” I nodded my head, “I’ll take your talking over the crier any time.”

         “How far is this place? Should we get a ride?”

         I shook my head quickly, “It’s right down the street.  Do we have to tell anyone we’re leaving?”

         “Nah,” Justin said as I followed him outside. “We’re fine.”

         We didn’t really talk as we walked to the diner. I’m surprised he was able to spend ten minutes without talking. I know he can’t keep his mouth shut when it’s late and I’m trying to go to bed. I guess this is different.

         The diner wasn’t too far. It’s good to know there a place this close that we can get some real food. It’s nothing special, just one of those old diners that you have to wait for service while the waitress is out front smoking her cigarettes.  We used to go to diners like this all the time, Kelly and me.  She used to love the way they made the cherry coke with actual cherry syrup.

         “What are you thinking?” I asked Delia to break my thoughts.

         “Huh? Oh,” she looked up from the menu, “Probably just an omelet.”

         The waitress came and plopped two cups of coffee on the table, “What do you want?” she asked as if we were interrupting her from her next smoke break.

         “Um, not coffee,” Delia gave her a dirty look and pushed the cup away, “I want an omelet with bacon, cheese, mushrooms and potatoes.”

         “Potatoes?”

         “Yeah. Like home fries.”

         “We can’t do that…”

         “You can’t put home fries in the omelet? Why not?”

         I leaned back, ready to enjoy the show. Delia really didn’t strike me as the kind of girl that would start shit with an obnoxious waitress. I definitely don’t blame her but it could be fun to watch.

         “Like, you want the home fries that come on the side inside your omelet?”

         “Yeah but then I like, also want some on the side too,” she mimicked. I felt a smile slide on my face. This is good stuff.

         “What kind of toast?”

         “Cinnamon with butter on the side. Then I want the chocolate chip pancakes.”

         “Too? Like you want both?”

         I laughed out loud at that one, it’s good to be able to laugh again. “Yeah, she wants both. You ready for me?  I want the Country Boy Breakfast with scrambled eggs.”

         “Wait, I’m not done,” she stopped the waitress from walking away, “A drink. I want a strawberry shake.”

         The waitress rolled her eyes before scribbling in her pad and walking away. “Just an omelet huh?”

         “Two people. I’m eating for two.”

         “Oooh yeah, live it up.” I poured some sugar in my coffee and looked up when I heard D tapping her fingers.

         “She’s kind of a moron huh? Like it’s impossible to put potatoes in an omelet.”

         “Yeah,” I nodded my head, “This is a cool place though, nice and close… cheap.”

         “I know, it’s good there’s this little place within walking distance.  There’s a cupcake place next to the hardware store.  My dad said it just opened but they’re like floating on air.”

         I waited a minute before asking the question. I’m curious, as hell and I need to at least ask her. “So you don’t do cars?”

         “No.”

         “Why not?”

         “Why? I don’t get the big deal. A lot of people don’t do cars.”

         “Oh yeah?” she nodded her head, “Like who?”

         “Amish people, to start. People in New York or London… big cities.”

         “We’re not really in a big city,” I interrupted but she ignored me completely and kept talking.

         “Cowboys. People in the Amazon. Do I really need to keep going?”

         “Yes,” I smiled. She is kind of fun to fuck with.

         “People in Alaska don’t use cars, they have snowmobiles.”

         “You’ve got a point but we don’t have snowmobiles here… or canoes or a horse and buggy… or even a subway.”

         Delia shrugged as the waitress pushed her strawberry shake in front of her. “Maybe I’m just really into saving the environment and don’t want to produce unnecessary emissions.”

         I took a sip from my coffee and nodded my head. I should just let it go; obviously she doesn’t want to tell me. “I saw you before we got here. You were walking down the street with the car following you and…”

         “My husband,” she broke in before looking into her milkshake, “we were in a car and we crashed. That’s how he…” she trailed off, “And ever since I can’t…”

         I should have known that was why. Why the fuck did I have to go and bring that up? What else could it have possibly been. I need to start thinking more, or better yet actually follow through with what I’m thinking and learn when to shut up. “Shit, I’m sorry I…”

         Delia looked up at me, “You never… said you were sorry. Everyone always says that they’re sorry and it’s so annoying because they don’t….”

         “I know, I’m sorry.” I keep fucking up more and more, “I’m sorry I said I’m sorry. I fucking hate when people pull that shit with me. I was being nosey, I’m sorry about that.” She nodded her head and we both sat there in silence for what seemed like hours. We could have possibly had a semi decent day.  It’s almost noon and I’ve only thought of Kelly once… well that is before I started getting nosey. “They were in a car accident too. Kelly and Lemmie. They were being chased though, it’s not like…”

         “I know,” Delia broke in, “I heard all about it. Chase knew her, you know.”

         “Did he?”

         She nodded her head, “They went to Sunday School together. He said she was really sweet and nice. He moved down here when he was six from Boston and he said all the kids made fun of his accent. But she thought it was cool and she played with him. All the other kids loved her so she got everyone to stop making fun of him and they all became friends.”

         That sounds just like my girl. I felt myself smile and nodded my head, “That’s her.”

         “He was really upset when he heard. He made such a big deal out of it. About how fragile our lives are and how you’re here one second and you’re gone the next.”

         The food was placed in front of us and we just ate in silence. I never know how to deal with this shit. It feels better when we talk about other things, completely different things. But then that feels wrong in some ways. It feels like I’m trying to move on and forget my girls. I’m not. I’m scared to death that I’m going to wake up some day and forget the way Kelly’s hair smelled or the way Lemmie giggled when we played peek-a-boo.

         It’s so fucking confusing. Everyone says there will be a time that I’ll be able to remember them without this feeling that comes with it. I don’t know if that’s possible. I think I’ll always have this feeling of guilt.

         If this place is going to do anything for me I sure as hell hope it can help me deal with the guilt. It’s hard to sleep at night. I’m glad I managed to get Delia to stay in my room. It’s much easier to get my mind off it when I’m not all alone. But then it all goes back to if I should even be trying to get my mind off it. I feel like it’s a lose lose situation either way. Of course it is, no matter how anyone looks at it my girls are gone. And they’re not coming back.