It’s extra hot and humid tonight. I mean extra hot and humid. Every single piece of clothing is stuck to my body, not even to mention the damn sheets. Why is there not air conditioning in this hellhole? We’re in Tennessee in the middle of August. I took a deep breath and turned around in the bed trying to get comfortable. If I didn’t hate this place before I sure as hell hate it now.

“Can’t sleep?” Justin asked softly.

“It’s so fucking hot. This has to be the only building in the state without air conditioning.”

“I know, it’s ridiculous.”

“I bet it’s cooler outside. We’re baking in here.”

“You’re probably right,” I heard him shuffling around before he continued, “Let’s go outside. I’m going to turn the light on, are you decent?”

“Am I decent? What do you think I’m like naked or something?”

“I don’t know, it’s hot.”

“You can turn the light on Justin.” it’s kind of funny that he thinks I’d be sleeping here in the nude when he’s in the bed next to me.  He turned the light on and I followed him to the door. It would be pitch black if it weren’t for the full moon and the sky full of stars. I love the stars here. Chase and I used to spend hours on the roof looking up at them. It’s not quiet, that’s for sure. There are so many sounds out here in the woods. This reminds me a lot of our wedding reception that we had in the yard. There was a moon just like this one.

         “It’s way cooler out here, huh?”

         “Yeah,” I answered softly before sitting in the middle of the yard.

         “There’s a full moon.”

         I nodded my head again and fell down to my back.

         “The stars here are amazing,” Justin said before lying down next to me. “You don’t see stars like this in LA. We were down here when Kelly had Lemmie and we stayed down here until she was six months old. When she couldn’t sleep and was crying in the middle of the night we’d take her outside. She just looked up at the stars without a peep. It took her a little while before she fell asleep, but at least it got her to stop crying. After awhile we thought she was just crying so we’d take her outside to look at the stars.” There was a slight chuckle in his voice, I wonder if that means he’s getting to the point where he can remember them without crying. I’m not at that point yet but maybe if he gets there first that’ll give me some hope.  “When we finally took her back to LA she’d cry and we’d take her outside but it was too bright to see the stars. She used to point up, I swear even at six months old. She’d look around and never find them and…”

         He stopped talking. I turned my head away from the sky and looked over at him but he was still looking at the stars. “And?”

         It took him a few seconds before he continued, “Huh? I just thought she’d turn out to be an astronomer or an astronaut or something.” I think he’s crying. He’s looking up at the sky so I can’t really tell but… yeah he is, I just saw a tear fall down his cheeks.

         “And now she’s up there in the stars.” I don’t know what to say and that probably wasn’t the right thing to say. Although she is up in the stars, along with her mother and Chase. I feel more of a connection with the stars than I ever did before.  “When Chase died, that first night... well the first night I was in the hospital the whole night but as soon as I got out I went out our bedroom window and I climbed on the roof. We used to go out there and look at the stars every night. It was like our thing. So I went out there so I could feel closer to him and it actually worked. When I was out there I was crying, you know? but I said I needed some sign that he was alright. Because I thought it would be easier to deal with this if I knew there was a heaven or there was some sort of an afterlife and he’s somewhere else not just gone completely.” I stopped to wipe my eyes and catch my breath, “So I asked him for a sign and I swear Justin, a second later a shooting star went by. And it was a great shooting star, better than any one I’ve ever seen before. It went across the whole sky, way slower than a regular shooting star. It was bright too, real bright and strong and perfect.” I could see him turn his head toward me but I kept looking up at the sky, “I mean, it doesn’t matter if you believe me because my mother thinks I’m crazy. I don’t care though, I know what I saw.”

         “I believe you.”

         “I mean I don’t know why she tells me I’m crazy for what I saw. You’d think she’d just like let me go and if it helps me deal then whatever.”

         “Does it help you deal?”

         “I think so. Who knows how messed up I’d be if he didn’t send the star. I know he’s ok, I do. I just miss him so much and I can’t think of how I’m going to make it without him. It’s just me being selfish, that’s the problem.”

         She’s better off than I am. Just when I thought I could have possibly found someone a little more fucked up than I am she has to prove to me that she’s not. I have absolutely no faith. I don’t know if my girls are all right, in fact I have a feeling they’re not. That’s what really gets to me. I’m supposed to protect them and I sure as hell didn’t do that when they got in that accident, but now I really can’t. I have no control and I hate that.

         At least Delia has some kind of faith. She knows her husband is all right, she just misses him. I feel like my girls are gone suffering somewhere and I can’t do anything to stop it.

         “Do you think they found each other?”

         “Who?”

         “Chase and Kelly and Lemmie. Do you think they’re like up there together, sharing a star, looking down at us, talking just like we are?”

         “I don’t know,” that’s a little too weird for me.

         “I hope so.  I hope he found someone he knew.”

         “I’m getting bit. Do you want to go in?”

         “Yeah,” she’s back to acting phased out.  I stayed a step behind her when we walked back to our room just in case. She kind of worries me when she gets so phased out so easily.

         Not another word was spoken that night. We each climbed into our beds and turned the lights off and that was it. It’s weird how she goes from talking constantly to not saying a word. Maybe she’s more fucked up than I thought.

         ~*~*~*~*~*~

         “Justin, wake up, we’re going to be late.”

         I opened my eyes to see Delia standing over me wearing a sundress. She’s wearing her hair long; I don’t think I’ve seen it like that before. I rubbed my eyes to wake myself up, am I seeing straight? When she wears her hair like that she looks a lot like Kelly.  Not the same but there’s something about Delia that makes her look just like Kelly.  “Late for what?”

         “Church. It’s Sunday and quarter to nine and you’re not even showered yet.”

         I stretched my arms over my head, “I’m not going to church Delia.”

         “You’re not… going to church?”  She says it like there’s something wrong with me. You’d think I just told her there wasn’t a Santa Claus.

         “Nah, I’m not big on church.”

         “Oh.” Delia’s just looking at me like I have ten heads. She doesn’t know what to do with me.

         “Breakfast later?”

         She nodded her head, complete with that phased out look, “Yeah. OK.”

         How does he not go to church? That doesn’t make any sense to me, especially after all the shit. Even when I was real bad and locked in my room for a month I still went to church.

         I shouldn’t talk. I mean, all I do when I go to church is phase out and think about Chase. I end up crying through the whole mass.  It’s not like I could tell you anything the pastor even said. I probably shouldn’t go anymore, it’s just an excuse for me to phase out and cry.

         After church I went back to the room and saw an air conditioner in the window. I looked at Justin who was sitting on his bed and then back to the window, then to the guy that was sitting in my bed.

         “You got a…”

         “Air conditioner?” Justin finished the sentence for me, “Yeah.  It’s way too fucking hot.”

         “So you just… bought one?”

         “Yeah, it’s hot.” He repeated as if that’s the normal thing to do when you’re hot, go out and buy an air conditioner for a house that isn’t yours. It’s not that I’m complaining, I’m much happier with an AC; it’s just weird. “Plus it’s not good to be up all night sweating and shit when you’re pregnant. He brought it actually, this is Trace. Trace this is Delia, get off her bed man.”

         “It’s ok. I’m going to go get breakfast.” You were supposed to come with me, remember? But now that you’ve got your magical air conditioner I doubt if he’ll ever want to leave the room. I don’t blame him, I wouldn’t really mind staying in here. It’s so nice and warm. But I’m hungry, which isn’t much of a surprise. My stomach’s been acting crazy since I woke up. It must be fed.

         “Yeah, I’m ready whenever you are,” Justin answered to my surprise.

         “I’m leaving, just came to drop off the AC,” Trace said as he stood up, “Nice meeting you, I’ll see you later.”

         I could lie here in this bed all day now that I got the air conditioner. Even this bed somehow feels comfortable. I am getting hungry though, I don’t know what’s taking this girl so long in the bathroom. Trace is a good friend for bringing the air conditioner. I couldn’t have gone another night without it. If I didn’t have the AC I think I would have left. Truth be told, I’m actually kind of enjoying my time here, or at least my time with Delia. It’s not that I’m making any huge steps but it’s good to know I’m not the only one going through the shit I’m going through. Most of the people here are crazy but Delia’s different. Don’t get me wrong, she’s definitely crazy but it’s in a completely different way. We have a lot in common and I think she’s the one person in the world that really knows what I’m going through.

         She came out of the bathroom with a different kind of phased out look. “Are you alright?”

         “I’m bleeding,” she spoke in a whisper.

         “What do you need, a band-aid? There’s some over the sink…”

         “No, like I’m bleeding bleeding,” she waved her hand over her stomach.

         “Oh shit,” I jumped up, “That’s not good. Come on, we have to get you to the hospital.”        

         “The hospital? Oh no, no no no. I don’t want to go to the hospital, I’m all right. It’s not that much, and I’m…”

         “Delia,” I placed my hands on her shoulders so she was looking in my eyes, “You need to get to the hospital, and there could be something wrong with the baby.”

         She nodded her head and I grabbed onto her arm to help her to the van. A couple counselors or whoever they are jumped in the van but Delia just stood in front of it frozen still. 

         “Come on, you have to get in,” I stood by the door to help her in.

         Delia shook her head, “No, please don’t make me get in there. I can’t,” she shook her head and started to cry. “I’ll walk. We can walk. I’m ok to walk.”

         “You can’t walk.”

         “Yes I can. I can’t go in there, that’s what I can’t do so…”

         “Listen to me Delia. You can’t walk to the hospital, it’s too far. You need to get in that van and go to the hospital. Nothing is going to happen. You don’t need to think of anything except getting to the hospital. I’ll be right here with you. It’s going to be ok.”

         She nodded her head and took a step towards the van but then stepped back again.  “I can’t. Please don’t…”

         Delia’s crying now, full out sobbing and I’m stuck standing here without a clue as to what to do next. I know she needs to get to the hospital, something could be seriously wrong with her baby. But there’s no talking sense into her right now. She can’t think of that, all she can think about is how the last time she was in a car her husband was killed while sitting right next to her. It would be helpful if these so called grief counselors did something other than stand there and look at each other like fucking idiots.

         “I’m right here with you Delia. It’s going to be all right but you need to get to the hospital. Come on, I’ll sit here,” I climbed in and sat backwards on the hump between the driver and passenger’s seat and held out my hand for her to grab. She took a deep breath and grabbed onto my hand before slowly climbing in. “Alright,” I smiled, “See, we’re good. Just look at me, keep looking at me,” she nodded her head and continued crying while I held onto her hand tightly. “I know you wanted your milkshake and sundae but we’ll get it as soon as we get back, it’s nothing to cry over.”

         She laughed for a half a second and wiped her eyes before looking out the window.

         I caught her and placed my free hand on her cheek, turning her head back to me, “Look at me. We’re almost there. What do you want at the diner? I’ll call it in so it’s ready for us when we get there. Mozzarella sticks?”

         Delia nodded her head, “And onion rings and a buffalo chicken wrap with French fries.”

         “Alright, that’s it?”

         “And a chocolate milkshake and hot fudge sundae.” She sniffled.

         “Of course, I got that.”

         We pulled up to the emergency and they pulled her out of the van and into a wheelchair. “Come with me, please?” she called as she was being wheeled inside.

         “Yeah, yeah I’m coming,” I jogged to catch up with her.

         I know I’m not big on church. I know I have my doubts about God and Heaven and all that stuff. But please God, if there is a God, don’t let anything happen to that baby.