Helping Heal the Hurt
1am
The rain pours on my rooftop on this early Saturday morning. For some reason, the weather always reflects my mood. It’s been about four days since I found out the most devastating news I think I’ve ever received. He cheated…with her. No particular reason was cause for his act of betrayal. The only reason he presented was that he was bored and she offered. That bitch saying something about not liking the way I treat him? I have absolutely NO idea where that came from. She isn’t here involved in our everyday lives. She hasn’t the slightest idea what it’s like to maintain a healthy relationship. Thunder claps against the morning sky as if it’s agreeing with me. The music floating through the air is even melancholy. I need a change of scenery.
Our relationship was something straight out of a storybook. One of Pop’s biggest superstars finds his own ‘Cinderella’. Our wedding was covered by every major news company known to man. He used to tell me in a room full of nameless people, seeing my face would liven up the whole joint. Corny, but effective when getting his point across. We met backstage at an India.Arie concert. He captured me with his eyes, so mesmerizing, and just plain beautiful. The color of cerulean with flecks of grey around the edges. His lips, the way he spoke, his walk…everything was an instant attraction. He told me he wanted to be my forever. I believed in him and in us until three hours ago.
He’s responsible for some of the happiest times in my life. Coming in like my knight in shining armor, rescuing me from all of the horrible things in my life. My mother was my only constant until he came along. The guy in the ‘boy pop band’ as she used to say. That was until he charmed the pants off of her and he became ‘Her Joshua’. He was my life. Then we had Janella. A light mix of her father and myself, she is everything we thought we needed to be complete. I guess when I look back; I should have noticed something was off. It started when Schizophrenic was in its creative stages. The label was expecting something of him that just wasn’t natural to his essence. He’s a songwriter’s best instrument and he wanted to express the kind of music he enjoyed listening to. Pop, electronica, R&B and rock, he wanted it all. They wanted pop and beat-infused club bangers. That’s when they brought in the hoochie.
Amanda Dexter was this Amazonian beauty with legs for days and an amazing smile. Everything about her screamed polished and proper; something I knew would catch JC’s attention. Hell, that’s one of the main things that attracted him to me. She was his new producing partner and on the surface, a wonderful person. I actually liked her at first. Then, the late night/early morning sessions became consistent and annoying. Every time he’d try to finish up early, she’d come up with some lame excuse to try and get him to stay. He worked and focused so much that he started to neglect his responsibilities at home. He started missing small things like watching Janella’s favorite program and tucking her in with me before bedtime. It got to the point that Janella didn’t even wait up for daddy anymore. It got somewhat better when after a series of small disagreements would turn into arguing. I think what either scared him away or shocked his system back to reality was Janella’s reaction to him.
He and Amanda’s session ended early one day and he wanted to take us out for dinner to reconnect with his family. I was finishing up dusting our massive trophy case and asked him to get Janella ready to leave. He said he walked into his baby’s room and she acted as though she didn’t recognize him. She started screaming when he tried to pick her up and I quickly ran to her room to see what happened. She looked completely terrified. Needless to say, we didn’t go out that night. Instead, we spent the whole night on the couch eating healthy snacks and getting reacquainted. He’d missed so much of our lives that he needed to refocus on his family. Janella had grown two teeth, learned how to walk without falling down and had said her first recognizable word. I had gotten a raise at work, painted our room and cut my hair. During sessions that ended at about 3 or 4am, we agreed that he’d sleep in one of the guestrooms as to not wake us and throw off our schedule. Seeing your husband one or twice a week was not what this marriage was supposed to be about. He poured his heart out to us that evening. Told us all the things he wanted for us and himself. We are very big believers in having your own life aside from husband, wife, mother and father but it should no way affect your family. He didn’t even realize that it was that extreme until baby girl refused to run into his arms like she used to. By the end of the day, he’d sang our daughter to sleep; after she gave him a big hug and finally called him ‘da da’. He wouldn’t leave her side though. He’d held her small frame asleep against his chest and refused to leave. He cried for what seemed like hours. I just sat in the rocking chair in the room and looked between them. Janella would stir in her sleep and instinctively he’d run a strong hand across her back to soothe her back into dreamland. After about three hours, I’d convinced him to let her sleep on her own and come to bed. As much as I love my daughter, I needed my husband too. Just to be in his presence made me feel better. Let’s just say he took care of me that night too.
A couple weeks had gone by and it seemed like everything was back to normal. He told Amanda that he’d have to start having earlier studio time and make it to dinner every night, no exceptions. That’s when that bitch brought in the big wigs. She convinced Barry that she and JC needed to work in New York. ‘It would bring in a new vibe to the record and she needed the energy. Since Jace’s is under a time constraint with the label, he had no choice in the matter. I guess that was my golden opportunity to take notice. She’d always look at me with that hint of jealousy in her eyes. You know how it is when a woman wants your man. I was just so in love and naïve to the wiles of the wicked that I hadn’t even protested it. Thought I was doing the noble thing by not pushing the issue. Josh was the one who fought it tooth and nail. He didn’t want to go without us but there was no way I could uproot like that. He needed to do this; there was no way around it. He agreed to go for six weeks with us visiting him every other weekend.
So, I guess you’re wondering why I was so cool with everything right? Truthfully, I wasn’t, but I would not dare stand in the way of Josh and his dreams. Besides, I had my baby, my work and my friends to help me. Late night talks with him that were required helped as well. Maybe it was my nonchalant attitude toward him leaving that caused it, maybe it was the fact that I believed he wouldn’t do anything like that to me. Trust and honesty had always been the nature of our relationship, so why challenge that now? Yeah, looks like I was the fool in the end.
The unraveling began @ Justin's Birthday party....
