I head in the room before taking a deep breath.
Just relax.
I enter the room and they both see me.
Oh god..
"Hey babe" Britney says.
"Hey, what are you girls doing?"
"Nothing, just catching up"
Jenny smiles.
"That's cool" I say as I sit across from them.
"You know I was just telling Jenny we should all go out together and hang out one of these days" Britney says.
"Yeah we should" I agree.
If you guys are not at each others throats before then.
"Stinky you okay?" Britney asks.
"huh? Yeah, I'm fine"
----------------------------------------------------------
Britney turns to me, "He has been such a space cadet today" she giggles.
"More than usual? definetly" I laugh. "Hey J?"
"What?"
"See what I mean" I giggle. "But he did have a rough night last night"
---------------------------------------------
My eyes grew wide when she said that.
She laughs, "Justin are you sure your okay, you look like you just saw a ghost"
Something even worse..my funeral.
I suddenly get up and go toward the bathroom.
My breathing grows rapid.
How cold I do this? I've never been so mad at myself..I fucked up.
My anger built up and I punched the wall. It hurt but I was too angry to care.
There was suddenly a knock at the door, that made me jump.
"Justin, are you okay in there?" Briney says softly.
"Yeah, I'm fine. I'll be out in a sec" I call out.
I finally feel my hand throbbing.
"Fuck" I hissed.
"Okay, the guys are waiting for you to go out on stage"
"I said I'll be out in a minute Brit" I growl.
Okay I know that was a bit much, but with the pain I was feeling thats how it came out.
"Fine, whatever Justin"
"Brit--" I say before it turns silent.
I sigh and slap the wall with my good hand and let out a grunt.
How could let this happen? This has got to the shittest thing I could do to anyone.
I turn on cold water and run thru my throbbing hand. Sighing deeply before looking at the mirror.
The person I see infront of me isn't me at all. My face is paler, with dark circles under my eyes, like I haven't slept in years. I look so worn out, how did I let this happen to me?
At only 20 I've accomplished so much so early, it feels like I've been in this business for 20 years. Working my ass off since I was 11 and I still feel like I haven't enjoyed life the way I'm suppose to, graduating highschool, going to college, hanging with my friends and partying and just being normal.
I'm not saying I don't love what I do because this has been a dream of mine since I was 9, but sometimes I think about what if it would be like if I wasn't doing what I am now. Life seems easier if I wasn't doing this, but this is what I chose to do and I wouldn't have it any other way.
I shut the water off, my hand seemed better and I went out and joined everybody else in a circle for our group prayer. After we finished and everyone else left so we could do our hacky sack ritural, Lance raised an eyebrow at me.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine why?"
"Your acting weird today"
"Jesus, why does everyone keep telling me that?!"
"Woah J, calm down. Are you sure your okay? You wanna talk about it" Joey asks.
I sigh, pinching the bridge of my nose, "I'm sorry, I'm fine, just a little hung over still I guess"
"Well suck it up you big baby, you should've have thought about that before you started drinking more" Chris told me. "Your still an amature, you'll learn to handle a night of drinking with the big boys soon, kid" he says as he puts an arm around me in a headlock.
I glared at him and he just chuckles.
"Can we just do this and get on with the show" I say.
They chuckle and nod.
I swear they still think I'm the same 15 year old kid I was when I started this group. It annoys me when they tease me about being younger than them.
We go around in a circle and kick the hacky sack around. It has to go around one time. We started this since our first show in Germany, which turned out to great and it became a ritual to do before every show. Now your probably think after all these years we'd have it down pat, oh no theres always someone (Lance) to mess it up at least once, but its fun to do it so we don't mind it.
We finish and than put our hands in and then shout "hoorah" before breaking the circle and head out to the stage where the millions of screaming people finally come into earshot and my adrineline kicks in as I hear our name being chanted over and over.
I love the feeling, just the adriniline the rush of it all. No time to think of anything else and focus on the music.
As soon as the door opens up and the sound of screams fills my ears I'm ready to go.
If only some things in life worked that way.
***************************
"Tampa, thank y'all for comin out tonight" I said running across the stage up toward the stairs as the roars from the crowd filled the room. "We love y'all" I said waving at the crowd. The band was still playing and at the top of the stairs we all stopped and sang a chorus of "Bye, Bye, Bye" before the pyrotechnics popped out with a boom and the crowd screamed louder. The curtain went down and we all rushed out toward backstage, the assistants handing us towels as we went down the stairs.
We all enter the room.
I sit down, wiping the sweat with the towel and sigh.
"Yo Joe give me some water, will ya"
He nods and takes out two bottles and throws one to me.
"Thanks man" I say smiling at him before taking a huge gulp.
"Damn was that a show or what?" Chris says bouncing in to the room with the usual hyperness he has.
For being the oldest, Chris has the energy of a 12 year old. You'd think from dancing and running around on stage for two hours he'd be dead tired, but it seems to give him more energy. Is there an off switch on him?
"Hell yeah, it was" Joey agrees.
"And there were some fine ladies out there too" JC grins.
Chris laughs, "Don't you have a girl already? She'd kick your ass if she heard you talking like that"
"Man, I broke up with Bobbie weeks ago. I'm a free man now, I can do what ever I please" he smiles.
"About damn time, I was seriously thinking you'd lost your manhood, you were so whipped" I say laughing.
"Fuck you man" he retorted.
"J's right you were" Joey says chuckling. "but we're proud of you finally getting rid of the the ice princess" he laughs and we all laugh with him.
JC starts to laugh with us.
I like moments like these, we were like brothers and I wouldn't have it any other way.
"So J, how are you and Brit doing? heard she suprised you this morning" Lance says.
"Yeah she definetly did, but we're good" I smile.
"You know what they say, girls have a special sense for somethings. Maybe she sensed something going on" Joey smirks.
"Shut the fuck up Joey!" I spat as I threw a pillow at him.
The guys chuckled.
"Hey!" he exclaims ducking his head. "Don't be mad because you know I'm right"
I'm afriad to say it but he might be right.
Silence grew as we hear laughter in the hallway and Britney and Jenny walk into the door smiling and giggling.
I could help but feel sick to my stomach again.
"Hey guys!" Brit smiles.
A chorus of heys filled the room .
"You did awesome tonight as usual" she says.
"I hate to brag, but we totally did" JC grins.
We all laugh.
Soon enough everyone was talking and having diffrent conversations
Before I know it Britney was on my lap smiling at me, "Hi"
"Hey" I smile as I put my arm around her waist. "Where were you? I thought you would be back here waiting for me" I pout.
She giggles, "Sorry, I was going to head right over but, me and Jen got to talking and we walked around"
"Oh thats cool, I get it. You had fun then?"
"Totally, but now I just wanna be with you" she says softly and leans in to kiss me.
"Mmmm..me too" I say as we break and open my eyes to see Jenny looking at us.
I suddenly freeze and she goes back to her conversation with Joey.
I'm so screwed.
"J, are you okay?" Briney asks concerned.
I snap out of my daze and look at her and smile, "Yeah, just tired is all"
"Oh, you poor baby" she frowns. "You do look exhuasted, you wanna go back to the hotel and relax?"
"Yeah, lets go" I say as I grab her hand and lead her to the door. "We're heading back, see ya guys" I say behind me.
We said our goodbyes and headed out the door.
"Bow-chicka-wow-wow" Chris sings.
"I heard that" I call out.
I could hear the loud laughter in the hallway and just shake my head.
Sometimes I wonder why I'm friends with them.
