I don’t remember getting in the car. I don’t remember driving along that familiar dirt track which leads to a short cut. I don’t remember pulling up in his driveway. I don’t even remember ringing his doorbell.
But here I am, waiting for his green eyes to greet me on the other side of the door.
What am I going to say? “Hey Sean, guess what I just spent the last ten minutes doing. Committing adultery and getting hot with Justin Timberlake? Yup, you got it.” Good plan, Cat.
Oh God. Oh God. I can’t believe I did that. What kind of woman am I? Cheaters are disgusting. They’re cowards who don’t have the courage to break it off with their partner. They’re weak, and give into the slightest of temptation. They don’t understand the meaning of ‘trust’ and ‘commitment’, they’re just selfish, selfish people.
And now I’m one of them.
I couldn’t describe it if I tried. A few words were exchanged, before we were thrust into this dreamlike haze. In one quick stride he had crossed the room, gently cupped my cheek with his hand, and allowed his eyes to hold me capture, making me feel electric with want. His hands went on my hips, his lips touched my cheek ever so lightly, and then…oh, I don’t think I’ve ever felt so alive.
The subtle scent of his cologne wrapped itself around me, as did his arms, his hands, his lips. I could feel his touch all over my body. Occasionally gentle, sometimes demanding more of me, which I eagerly gave.
It was a soft kiss at first, as though he was testing the waters and seeing whether I was going to throw him off. Being the weak and terrible person that I am, I didn’t, and allowed his lips to capture my own once again…
Every pore in my body felt him. I was intoxicated by him; his touch, his lips, his hands. Even when I tried to pull away from him when I realized his hand was going up my shirt to less than toned skin, he still managed to pull me back with the force of a magnet, until I had closed the gap between us and was pressed up against him again.
But I stopped. I had to. I can’t kiss someone when I know I have a boyfriend out there. A perfectly trusting, unsuspicious boyfriend, who has never done anything to hurt me. All I’ve ever done is treat him like shit.
And now I’m at his front door, with my guilty conscience weighing heavily on my mind, and my hands twisting the disheveled hair that had once been held up in a clip.
But Justin took the clip out and threw it to the side, before slowly running his hands through my hair and then trailing them down my back...
“Cat!” Sean exclaims, his green eyes widening slightly. “What a great surprise! Come on in,” he holds the door open for me and I cautiously step over the threshold into his house, his lips dropping a quick kiss on my lips.
For reasons unknown to myself, I reach up and trace the contours of my tainted lips, still feeling the burning touch from Justin’s. It’s as though I can still feel him, pressed up against me, his hands traveling all over my body and me not having a care in the world.
“What are you doing?” he asks, staring at me.
My head snaps up with a jolt. “Oh…” my hand quickly returns to my side. “Nothing. Sorry.”
He shrugs happily. “No problem. Want anything to drink?” enquires his distant voice, as I perch myself on the couch in his living room and he goes to the kitchen to root through his refrigerator for drinks.
“Um…water, please,” I croak out, my throat suddenly dry from nerves.
He soon returns with a glass of water and hands it to me with a smile. “There you go.”
“Thanks,” I reply, smiling weakly and taking a sip of the water, before placing it on the coffee table.
“So, what do I owe the pleasure of this fine visit?” he says, swinging an arm over my shoulder and grinning.
I shrug uncomfortably and attempt at some sort of a smile. “I just felt like coming over, I guess.” Tell him, just tell him. You’ll feel better when you do.
“Great,” he relieves my shoulders of his arm and props his elbow on the head rest of the couch. “Actually, I was wondering whether you wanted to meet my family this weekend. We’re having this little get-together and they want to hear about the girl I’ve been ranting about all this time.” He finishes his sentence with a smile and taps my knee affectionately.
As if I couldn’t feel worse about myself.
“Well, sure, I’d love to, but--”
“Oh! Before I forget to mention, there’s this photography exhibition down in Memphis in a few weeks. We should probably check it out, perhaps turn it into an article.”
Suddenly, it feels as though the room is spinning around me. I can’t possibly sit here, innocently sipping water as Sean cheerfully discusses fun, couple activities for us, especially when I notice the faint linger of Justin's cologne on my clothes.
“Actually Sean, there’s something I need to talk to you about,” I say, more calmly then I feel, turning to him and clasping my hands together.
“Okay,” he places his glass on the table. “What is it?”
I open my mouth, but the words seem to catch on their way up my throat and linger inside of me, where I’m beginning to think they should stay.
No, I can’t keep this a secret. It’ll make things so much worse.
“Well…” I begin unsuccessfully, quickly grasping my glass and gratefully coating my dry throat. “Look, Sean, I’m going to have to be honest with you here…”
“I wouldn’t expect anything less from you, Cat,” he says kindly, gazing at me as though I’m some beautiful diamond in the rough.
Shame once again suffocates me as he looks at me lovingly. Honestly, how could I do this to him? Damn Justin and his infactuating lips.
Noticing my inability to function, he soothingly places a hand on my knee. “Look, if this is about the whole family thing, then you don’t have to. I just thought you might want to, but honestly, there’s no pressure--”
“No, that’s not it Sean!” I snap angrily, his benevolence irritating me because all it does is remind me how I have to break his heart.
“Okay,” he says, somewhat dejectedly, as he removes his hand from my knee.
“No, I’m sorry, I just…” I bury my face in my hands. “God Sean, you’re too good for me.”
“Don’t be silly,” he scoffs, clearly thinking I’m pulling the modest card.
“No, really,” I turn to look at him, feeling the little respect I ever had for myself ebb away. “You don’t understand.”
He rolls his eyes. “Cat, if this is you on one of your little, ‘Oh, I’m so fat and ugly’ trips, then I’m not interested, because you and I both know you’re gor--”
“I kissed Justin.”
The room is suddenly enveloped in silence. His green eyes, which I once so jokingly called emeralds just to annoy him, widen with hurt. Disbelief crosses his features, his mouth opening wordlessly, his frame abruptly coming to a standstill as he stares at me in shock.
Biting my bottom lip, I try my hardest to look him in the eyes. “I’m sorry.”
He doesn’t reply, instead continuing to stare at him, his gaze slowly turning into a confused frown.
“I--it just happened. I didn’t mean to…” I trail off, knowing my pathetic attempts to justify what I did are pointless. It was wrong, plain and simple. Nothing I can say will change that.
“What?” he finally gasps out, his once strong, deep voice reduced to a whisper.
“I…kissed him,” I repeat, succumbing to the urge to avoid eye contact and instead stare at my twisted hands. “Or…he kissed me, I don’t know. But it happened.”
He remains silent, but out of the corner of my eye, I see his head sink into his hands.
I rub my eyes, knowing I don’t have the right to cry. He has the right to be upset, to be angry, to lash out at me. But me…I don’t think I even deserve oxygen to breathe on.
“Why?” he whispers, his voice cracking. “Why would you do that to me?”
Because I’m weak. Because he did it. Because I wasn‘t thinking about repercussions, but only the feeling of his lips against mine. “I…I don’t know,” I answer pathetically, my quiet voice slicing through the silent room. “I’m so sorry.”
“Did you sleep with him?” he asks, turning his head to me, showing me his tear-filled eyes for the first time.
“No, of course not,” I exclaim, as though it’s preposterous.
But then I realize it isn’t. I’ve always considered myself moral, and trustworthy, but I’m not. I didn’t think I was capable of doing this to Sean, but I did. Who’s to say if I had stayed in that room for another minute, or two, or less, that I wouldn’t have yielded to temptation and just given up to Justin?
The thought alone makes me ashamed.
“I--I didn’t want to lie to you.”
He lets out a cold laugh. “You know what? I wish you had.”
“I didn’t think you’d be upset,” I reply softly, before realizing I’m in no place to turn accusations on him.
“Is that why you did it? To get my attention?”
“No!” I cry out. “I didn‘t mean it like that.”
“Am I not good to you?” he asks desperately, clutching to my arm and staring at me, with those eyes still full of hurt.
“Oh God Sean, you’re too good to me,” I whisper, a tear trickling down my cheek. “This had nothing to do with you.”
“Then why did you do it?” he retorts, a unexpected harsh edge taking over his voice, masking his hurt. “Come on Cat, he’s not even that good looking.”
I don’t reply, but instead stare into the hands lying in my lap.
“Is it because he’s a pop star?”
I roll my eyes, my tears drying up. “Don’t be stupid.”
“Says the girl who just cheated,” he replies coldly.
I deserved that. “I can’t apologize enough Sean…”
“No, you can’t, because it won’t change anything.” He jumps off the couch, running his hand through his jet black hair as I timidly watch him from my seated position.
“Fuck!” he suddenly shouts, making me jump. “How could this fucking happen?” he questions, shaking his head as he paces the living room. “I’m going to kill him,” he announces.
“Don’t bother,” I reply tiredly, exhaustion crashing down on me. “Leave him out of this.”
“Correct me if I’m wrong, but weren’t there two people in that kiss?”
“Yes, and I was one of them,” I snap, standing up, his intimidating figure towering over me. “Whatever you have to say, you say to me.”
“What does this mean?”
“What?”
“For us,” he replies, turning to look at me. “Clearly, we're not together any more," he spits spitefully.
I close my eyes and run a hand through my hair. "Not at the moment, no," I whisper.
He turns away and curses under his breath, before turning to me angrily. "Cat, you and I both know we would last a hell of a lot longer than you and Justin ever would.”
“What do you mean?” I say.
“Cat,” he sighs, taking my hands in his. “Look, I understand why you would kiss him. He’s rich, he’s famous, he’s every girl’s dream.”
“Don’t patronize me, Sean,” I snap, his condescending tone that he used on Justin in the restaurant hitting a nerve.
He rolls his eyes. “But think about it…he’s lives on a whole other planet, Cat. He cares about his clothes, his music, his parties…you and I don’t care about that shit.”
I shrug helplessly, my hands still encased by his. “I know.”
“We like going to museums, we like writing, we like talking about politics. We make sense, Cat,” he says sincerely, and I know he has a legitimate point. “You and him…don’t. It would last for a few months and then fizzle out.”
My eyes cast downwards. “I know…”
“We’re two of a kind, Cat, we want the same things in life. You have to see that.”
I shift uncomfortably, all his words making perfect sense and yet…not making any sense at all.
“Do you care about me?” he asks quietly, his eyes suddenly filled with a boyish innocence, as though he’s scared I’ll say no.
“Of course I do,” I reply softly. “I do care about you Sean, and my intentions were never to ruin things for us. Things just got…out of control. I’m so sorry.”
He shakes his head. “It’s okay. As long as I make you happy, then it’s okay, we could move on.” He pauses, and sighs. “But I don‘t want to be with someone who doesn‘t want to be with me.”
I bow my head and nod.
"But I don't want to throw this away. I think we could go the whole way, you know.”
“What?”
He smiles shyly. “You and me. We could make it, Cat. Marriage, kids…everything. I could honestly spend the rest of my life with you.”
I gasp at his words, his fingers tightening around mine.
He pauses and breathes heavily, exuding nervousness. "If that's what you want. Is it?"
My heart jumps into my throat. He can’t expect me to answer that now. Marriage...children...they had never been mentioned before now. But, as the nervous anxiety settles in my stomach, I realize the seriousness of my situation. Torn between two equally great men, one of whom I may actually spend the rest of my life with, isn't the same as deciding my prom date. This is my future
“Sean…that’s a lot to ask me…”
“Am I what you want?” he repeats urgently. “If Justin is who you want to be with, then fine, just tell me.”
Taking a breath, I answer him more honestly than I have all night.
“I don’t know.”
Story Tags: Be the first to add a tag to this story
