“Don’t worry,” Diane repeats, clearly hoping that the echo of these words will somehow lodge them in my brain and ease me nerves.
“Diane, what am I going to say to him, exactly?”
She shrugs. “The truth.”
“The truth? The truth!” I exclaim, widening my eyes in indignation. “The truth is Diane, I am treating these two great guys who could do better than me, like god damn candy bars, by saying, ‘Sorry guys, but I gotta pick one of ya’. That is the truth!”
Diane bites her lip, hiding the smirk she always reserves for my dramatics. “Yeah, that sounds good. Leave out the candy bar bit though, it’s a little theatrical.”
“Ugh!” I groan, slapping a hand to my forehead. “How is this funny, may I ask?”
“It wouldn’t be Cat, but somehow you’re making it hilarious,” she giggles, covering her mouth quickly.
“Well thank you, thank you very much!”
“Cat, come on! Just calm down!”
“Calm down? Calm down!”
“Do you notice that by repeating all my words, you’re really wasting a fair amount of useful oxygen?”
Rolling my eyes, I lean against the closed door, which I am yet to open. “I’m sorry. I’m just nervous.”
“Why? This just Justin,” she shrugs, rubbing my shoulder. “Cat, all you’re going to say to him is ‘Look, I need some time alone to think, so I’m spending a few nights at my good friend Diane’s, okay?’ And then he’s going to go,” she coughs, and tries her best Justin voice. “‘Oh, sure, my secret love, no prob.’ Then, you’re going to come back here and we’ll try and figure this mess out!”
“You make it sound so easy,” I groan, rubbing my eyes. “I’ll probably end up naked on the floor before I can even say hello.”
Diane raises an eyebrow. “Oh really? A persuasive fella, is he?”
“You have no idea,” I mutter, giving her a quick hug for the support she showed me last night. I arrived at her house, a sniveling mess, and recapped my dilemma for her. She was on hand with chocolate and an eager ear, fulfilling all her best friend duties.
I need some time away from both of them, I think. Some time to think, to moan it out with Diane, to just be alone. Of course, after my abrupt exit from Justin’s, I could be in a dumpster for all he knows, so Diane suggested I simply go over there, explain I’m staying at hers, and then come back. What’s that phrase again? Oh yes, I remember now…
Easier said, than done.
“Remember, just keep it simple. Tell him you’re going to be away for a few days, and then leave. Don’t get roped into a conversation or…” she wiggles her eyebrows. “Something naughty.”
Giggling, I open the door. “I’ll try. Oh, and can you call my work and tell them I’m ill? Say I got flu or something,” I add, waving my hand.
“Sure,” she replies, stepping into the doorway as I walk to my car. “Good luck!” she calls out.
Why do I have the feeling I’m going to need it?
----------------------------------------------
One day, five hours, and twenty seven minutes since I last felt Cat’s touch, saw her face, heard her voice. It’s been one day, five hours and twenty seven minutes since I’ve had any contact at all with her, and I have yet to find a plausible reason as to why she would ever come back. If I were her, I would stay away from me like the plague. Oh, wait a second…one day, five hours and twenty eight minutes.
But hey, who’s counting?
Hearing the plod of footsteps above me, I know Trace is awake. He has some weird sixth sense about him, and has spent the last few days visiting various relatives, coincidently missing all the action between myself and Cat. Last night I sat him down, ready to have a real heart-to-heart by confessing all these feelings that have been torturing me the past few months, and what do I find out?
The little bastard knew already.
“Trace, can I talk to you?” I whisper.
He wipes his hands on the kitchen towel. “Sure. What’s up?”
I take a deep breath. “There’s no…easy way for me to say this, but…”
“Come on man, what is it?”
“You know how I said Cat was just staying with Sean tonight?”
“Yeah…”
“Well the reason that she’s not…um…here, is because…
Trace rolls his eyes. “Jesus man, do I gotta beat it out of you?”
“Something happened between me and Cat,” I blurt out hastily, recoiling in anticipation for his reaction.
His expression remains eerily placid. “Oh, really?”
“I…well, we, kissed. For, um, a while.”
“Why?” he asks distractedly, examining the tattoo on his left arm.
Ah, the dreaded question. Taking another inhale of breath, I look him in the eyes. “Because lately, my feelings towards Cat have been…less than platonic.” I close my eyes, bracing myself for Trace’s shock.
He laughs. “It’s about time man, it’s about time.”
I open one eye. “What?”
He tosses the towel onto the counter. “It’s about time. I mean, come on dude, I was going to hit you over the head with the Book of Love if you hadn’t figured it out sooner.”
“What? I mean, what?” I gasp. “How could you possibly have known?”
He taps the side of his head. “More than just a hat rack, my friend.”
So he knew. The little bastard knew, probably even before I did. How unfair is life?
The ding dong of the bell tears me out of my thoughts, and eventually drag myself up to get it, once I realize I’m not going to hear the patter of Trace’s feet coming down the stairs to answer the door.
Running a hand through my hair tiredly, I swing open the door, ready to kill any young girls with uniforms and cookies who might be on the other side. “Can I help you?” I ask in a dull voice, squinting at the sun shining directly in my eyes.
“Well, I don’t know. I presume I do still live here, right?” answers a voice I can tell belongs to a smiling owner.
I duck my head so I can see clearly. “Cat! What are you doing here?”
“I came to talk but I left my house keys here, so I had to ring the doorbell,” she says sheepishly, the sun casting a golden glow over her. She looks like an angel.
“Oh. Well, come on in,” I reply, opening the door for her, just as a gust of wind catches her brown hair slightly, making it ripple.
Stop it Justin. These thoughts must cease immediately.
It’s so strange to think that a mere, what…one day, five hours and thirty one minutes ago, my tongue was down her throat.
I said immediately, didn’t I?
“Um, so yeah, I came to speak with you,” she says, sitting down awkwardly on one of the couches, rubbing her hands together.
She’s as nervous as I am. That’s comforting, in a strange, selfish way.
“Our last talk wasn’t very successful, was it?” I joke, sitting down beside her.
She bristles as my arm lightly touches her. “Well, no, it wasn’t,” she replies, blushing and looking into her lap.
“It was special,” I whisper, knowing I should be ashamed for acting like such a sappy guy, but finding the words roll from my lips nonetheless.
“It was,” she replies quietly, her gaze fixed at her lap. “I just came to say I’m staying with Diane for a few days.”
“Okay,” I nod. “Anything else?” I says tactfully.
“I broke up with Sean,” she announces, before clapping her hand to her mouth, as though she didn’t mean to say that.
My stomach drops. My heart leaps. My insides are an acrobatic mess as her words seem to reverberate around the room. She broke up with green eyes, black hair, perfect body guy? Well, ain’t that a bitch?
A smile creeps onto my face as she turns to me. “Just for now, though. Until I…you know, get my head around everything.”
My smile vanishes. They haven‘t broken up, it‘s just some stupid break. Fantastic. “Sure, I understand.” I pause, looking at the rug before turning my head to her. “Does he know what happened? You know…with us?”
“Yes,” she replies quietly.
“Was he angry?”
“He wasn’t happy,” she says honestly. “But he was as understanding as he could be.”
My eyes roll of their own accord. “Well, he would be,” I grunt sarcastically.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” she snaps sharply.
“Nothing.”
“Justin, come on.” She rolls her eyes. “You and I would get by a lot easier if we cut the crap and just said what was on our minds, you know.”
Funnily enough, I can’t disagree. “Okay, you want to know what I honestly think?”
“Yes.”
“I think Sean is a boring, cabbage-with-the-personality-removed, pain in the ass.” She sends me a shocked look, but I continue. “Does the guy ever do anything wrong? No, of course not.” I lower my voice an octave and strengthen my accent. “Hi, I’m Sean, and I just want to say I know everything.”
“Justin, you’re being childish.”
“My idea of fun is sitting around and catching up on current politics, or perhaps have an in depth discussion on the tax system,” I continue, my Sean impression not wavering. “Or hey, lets go crazy, lets try and name all the presidents in order and then discuss their strengths and weaknesses.”
“Justin,” she interrupts again. “Crappy impressions aren’t going to get us anywhere.”
My voice cracks as tears begin to make their way to my eyes. “And all I do is stare at Cat, and hug her, and kiss her, doing everything us couples do. I like to let everyone know that no matter how hard they try, or how much they love her, no one can ever get close to us.”
“What?”
My eyes meet hers in a clash of blue. She stares at me enquiringly, wanting to know whether she fully understood what I just said, as I return her gaze with utter defeat.
“I’m sick of playing these games, Cat,” I whisper, returning to my normal voice. “I can’t pretend any longer Cat…I love you. I have for a long time.”
She gasps as her hand flies to her mouth, her eyes filling with tears. “Why did you say that?”
“Because it’s true,” I whimper, suddenly clutching her hands. “Look Cat, I know I haven’t got the intelligence, and I know our future has a much more rocky road than you and Sean’s ever would, but if you could just take a chance on us--”
“Justin, you don’t love me! Don’t be so ridiculous!” she cries, frowning at me, expecting me to take it back.
“Why not?”
“Because…I’m me. I’m the girl who’s destined to marry some balding bank worker or perhaps die a spinster with a wicked sense of humor,” she rambles helplessly, waving her hands about. “I’m not the girl who dates a hot pop star! It’s, it’s…absurd!”
“No one said love was easy,” I reply rationally, smiling at her weakly.
“No one said love existed between us,” she spits angrily, her words diving straight through my heart.
At my torn expression, her toughness backs down. “Do you know how hard this is for me, Justin?” she says, her tone softening as tears roll miserably down her face. “For once in my life, I finally find someone who’s willing to be with me, and then you have to come and screw it all up with a stupid crush!”
“You can belittle my feelings all you want Cat, it doesn’t change the fact that I love you!” I reply harshly.
“Stop saying that!” she retorts, covering her ears. “You’re lying, you’re just lying,” she sobs helplessly, cradling her head in her hands as she gently rocks back and forth, repeating those words to herself.
Immediately regretting the severity of my voice, I kneel down in front of her, gently pulling away her hand from her ears. I hold her hand in my own as she stares up at me, tear stains marring her cheeks as her hair falls before her face.
“I’m sorry, sweetheart,” I whisper, tucking a strand behind her ear. “But I have to be honest with you. I do love you, and I’ll do whatever I can to make you see that.”
“I want to believe you, but I know if I do, I’d never forgive myself if it wasn’t true.” She sighs softly. “I’m so scared.”
“But it is true,” I urge, squeezing her hands gently. “I know you’re scared sweetie, and I am too. But we can’t let a silly thing like fear get in the way of this. There‘s too much here to give up on.”
She bows her head. “I know, but I have Sean and--”
“I know,” I cut her off. “And I understand you two are happy together, but do you really love him?”
She shrugs. “I don’t know.”
“Do you love me?” I ask, my voice remaining surprisingly steady, despite the butterflies anxiously flapping around my stomach as I await an answer.
She removes one hand from mine to rub her eye. “Yes,” she whispers, her answer finally coming after what felt like eternity.
“Then why are you with him?” I persist. “You’re making things so much harder than they need to be, Cat.”
“Justin, you don’t understand!” she exclaims. “What if we broke up? What if Sean is my only chance of having a happy future?”
“How can you have a happy future with him? You’d always be looking over your shoulder for something else, always wondering what your life could have been.”
“But he’s safe,” she mutters. “With him, I know where I stand. With you…we’re all over the place. We lead completely separate lives, Justin. The life you lead holds everything I hate about this world. It’s glitzy, it’s superficial, it’s all about money or looks of fame. But Sean and I…we’re similar. We like the same things, we have the same goals. We would have a longer relationship than you or I ever could.”
“How can you be so sure?” I retort. “Cat, I can see where you’re drawing all these conclusions from and okay, some of them are true. If you carried on seeing Sean, you two would probably get married in a few years, settle down, have a few kids, and that would be your life. Is that what you want?”
“Eventually,” she murmurs, shrugging.
“Me too,” I reply. “But right now? You’re twenty one, Cat, no forty two. Everyone thinks about marriage somewhere down the line, but right now…” I trail off, taking a breath. “If you were with me…it would be exciting, it would be new. Sure, it would be risky, but what isn’t?”
“Sean.”
I pause and sigh. “You’re right, he isn’t. He’s perfect, he’s everything you could want…he’s predictable.”
“That’s not necessarily a bad thing,” she defends quietly.
“Perhaps not,” I shrug. “And it’s your choice if you want to know exactly how your life is going to turn out.”
“Justin, it’s not that easy,” she says angrily, shaking my hands from hers. “You can paint Sean out to be the baddie as much as you like, the fact still remains he’s more likely to stick by me than you ever will be.”
“That’s not true,” I retort quickly.
“Yes it is,” she interrupts. “What would happen when you release your next album? What if you meet some gorgeous model at one of your stupid parties and we ended up breaking up because you just couldn’t stop yourself?”
“I wouldn’t do that.”
“You can say that now, Justin. But in six months, you may have changed your mind and I’ll be left alone, having made the worst mistake of my life.”
I hold back a reply. As much as I want to scream that that would never happen, I can’t. I’m not going to lie, I have cheated before, with the scenario being exactly the one Cat just described. But they were different, they weren’t people I thought about marrying, or even living with. They were just passing girls.
I want to say this to her, to promise her I would never hurt her like that. But I can’t. I know I wouldn’t do that, but I’ve done it before.
“Cat…” I trail off, unable to find the words I so desperately need to explain to her. “Cat, we’re Ross and Rachel.”
She pauses and glances up at me, an eyebrow raised. “Excuse me?”
Grappling at any words I can, I try to explain myself. “Well, you know how in the end, they got together?” If I wasn’t so enthralled in her, I would be trying to tone down the desperation in my voice.
She smiles lightly and nods. We had watched the last episode together, huddled up on the couch as Cat gasped her way through the hour. When Ross and Rachel finally got together in the end, she rushed out of the room and locked the bathroom door until her crying had subsided because true love prevailed yada yada ya. I had teased her endlessly for it, calling her a secret girly girl and asking her whether she thought they would break up the week later. She had taken it all very seriously, but it was okay. I had always found her Friends obsession cute.
“Well…we’re kind of like them. We can’t see where we’ll be in a year, six months, or even tomorrow. But we know we love each other, and that’s all that really matters.”
She nods, a tear slipping down her cheek. “You’re right.”
“What the fuck is going on?”
The serene moment is broken by the harsh, southern voice I have come to hate, floating in from the doorway of the room. Our heads break the stare we were holding and jerk to the direction of the voice, to see Sean standing before us, frowning at the scene that meets his eye.
I quickly stand up, removing my hands that had settled on Cat’s knees. “Sean.”
“When you weren’t at work I knew there was only one place you could be,” he says angrily, looking between Cat and I.
She stand up. “Sean, we’re just talking.”
“Yeah, looks like it.”
Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, asshole.
“Don’t talk to her like that,” I say defensively, my voice beginning to rise as I step between them.
“I treat her with more respect than you, Justin.”
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
He pushes me to the side and grabs Cat, his large hands digging in the soft flesh of her arms. “Cat, tell me what’s going on.”
She whimpers slightly, raising such anger within me I surprise myself. I smack his hands off her and once again step between them, feeling the fury boil course through my body as Cat rubs her arms behind me.
“Don’t you ever touch her again!”
“What’s going on!”
“It doesn’t matter what we were doing. She’s not with you anymore, she can do what she wants,” I taunt, not being able to squash the immature side of me that is happily showing off in my words.
“And who’s fault is that?” he says spitefully, glaring at me.
“I’m sorry,” I shrug. “But what happened, happened.”
“I didn’t think Justin ‘Oh poor me, I’ve had my heart broken three times’ Timberlake would have stooped to such low levels that he stole other people’s girlfriends,” he shouts angrily.
“Excuse me, I am not something which can be owned and stolen!” Cat demands.
We both ignore her, far too caught up in our battle to listen to her. “We have something far more important than what you and her ever had!”
“Don’t flatter yourself, Timberlake!” he retorts mockingly. “Just because you haven’t gotten laid in a few months, doesn’t give you license to call one of your pursuits ‘something special’.”
“I love her!” I exclaim angrily. How dare he think I would think of her as cheaply as that? He’s only proving he’s not as smart as I thought he was.
“It is so typical of you to throw that out there in hope it will get you somewhere!” Sean replies scathingly. “Believe it or not, Justin, saying I love you doesn’t automatically make it true!”
“You are such an asshole!” I cry. “I always knew you were no good!”
“I’m better than some little boy who tries to break up other people’s relationships!” he claims, taking a step towards me.
I copy his action, determined not to be intimidated. “If you were a real man, you’d just let her go!”
“Could you two just stop?” Cat asks timidly.
“She doesn’t love you!”
“Oh yes she does,” I snort. “And I’m glad, because I don’t think I could bear seeing you two stay together. I couldn’t watch her gradually have the life sucked out of her until she was almost as boring as you!”
“And if she was with you, she’d be dumped for some anorexic child within a week!”
“Don’t you dare pass judgments on me! You don’t even know me!”
---------------------------------------------------
I remember seeing something like this when I was twelve, at school. Jessica Birkley stole Shannon Majeski’s doll and said Shannon had copied her because she had it first. Shannon denied it and said Jessica was just jealous, and then eventually, the two girls were engaged in a ferocious fight. Hair was pulled, nails dug into skin…it was hilarious. The entire school was watching, half amused, half shocked at the immaturity of the girls. We were twelve, we didn’t play with dolls anymore, we carried around pictures of New Kids on the Block, and even when Lucy Philos got into their fan club, we didn’t fight about it. We looked down on Jessica and Shannon for being so stupid that they couldn’t even resolve their differences over a candy bar, and didn’t talk to them again.
I’m having a little reminder of the Jessica/Shannon feud right now.
Empty insults are being thrown back and forth. Just when I think one of them has said something utterly ridiculous, which couldn’t possibly sound any worse, the other astounds me with their ability to go worse than worse.
Standing between them, it’s making me question why I would even pick either of them. They’re being so…childish, for goodness sake! They’re acting as though I’m some toy their mommas have made them share. I’m not Cat, I’m just a toy.
Feeling the anger rise in me, the temptation to smack them both senseless becomes more appealing as the subject of who I love more arises. Just as I raise my hand to smack Justin, who is nearest, I feel a soft grasp on my arm.
“They won’t even know you’re gone,” Trace whispers into my ear, before pulling me out of the opposite door, leading to the stairs.
We quietly head up the stairs, the cries and shouts of Justin and Sean becoming more distant as we arrive in my room.
Slamming the door behind me, I let out a deep breath. “Assholes!”
Trace laughs and plops down on the bed. “True.”
“I mean, ugh. This is the restaurant all over again!”
“Yup.”
Sighing, I collapse on my bed beside him, wiping away any teary remains on my face. “Why are they like that?”
“That’s not them in there,” he say grimly. He shrugs. “Cat, you have to understand, those two guys are crazy about you. They can barely see straight, they so badly want to be with you.” He shrugs again. “They’re desperate, and desperation makes people act in funny ways.”
I draw a pattern on my sheets, contemplating what Trace had just said. “I don’t know what to do, Trace,” I whisper softly.
“I know.”
Sighing, I gently lied down beside him. “I mean, with Justin, I have all the excitement and fun and I’m getting what I’ve wanted for a long time. But with Sean…I have a future, you know?” I pause to look up, and he nods. “Perhaps it is too early to be thinking like that, but it’s true. Justin and I could break up in a week, but Sean’s reliable. I don’t have to think about it, or worry about it. We just go smoothly. But is that what I really want? I smooth relationship?” Sighing, I grasp a pillow and smother my face into it. “And then we’re back to Justin,” I mumble.
“I can’t tell you what to do,” he says softly.
“Are you sure?” I reply jokingly.
He laughs and takes the pillow away. “Yes. It’s entirely your choice.”
“I wish it wasn’t,” I mutter bitterly.
“I know,” he says sympathetically. “You should be happy you’ve got two such good-looking guys arguing over you.”
“I should be, but I’m not,” I murmur.
“You have no clue, do you?” he says softly, leaning down so his face is next to mine.
“No.” I groan and sit up, staring around at all the posters on my wall. “Every time I come to one conclusion, something else stands in it’s way. I’ll think Sean, yes, definitely Sean. Then I’ll think no, Justin, of course Justin. Then I’ll go back to Sean for a moment, but then I’ll think hey, what about--”
“I get the picture,” Trace interrupts, grinning as he holds up his hand. “You’re confused, a lot of people are.”
“How am I going to make a decision?” I ask quietly.
He sits up, frowning, deep in thought. “I guess you have to go with your instincts. Forget the pros and cons, forget what’s right and what’s wrong. Just go with what you want. Or what you feel is best.”
“But that’s the problem,” I groan. “I want one, but I know the other is for the best.”
He lies down, propping up his head with his elbows. “Then I guess you have to pick which is more important.”
Justin, or Sean. What I want, or what I need. Right and wrong. It’s as though there’s a pair of scales in my head, and no sooner as one side gone up, the other will balance it out, so I never get a definite answer. Everything is equal.
And my decision will be the one to tip the scales.
I could be happy with either one of them, really. I enjoy spending time with Sean, as I do with Justin. I find both of them attractive. They both treat me well. It‘s as though there are two rights, and I‘m the wrong. Why did they pick me? I’m still not beautiful. I still think my thighs have reached killer whale weights. My hair still frizzes voluntarily.
Why me?
There are so many questions to ask myself. Do I really love Justin? Or is that just what I’ve believed all these months? What if it’s just a purely physical attraction? What if, as a boyfriend, I just don’t like him at all? What if Sean is actually the love of my life and I’ve not given him a chance? Sean is perfect, but is that what I want?
“Tell them I left, okay?” I say, standing up and smoothing out my top. “And they’ll be full of apologies…again…so you may as well tell them I forgive them too.”
Trace grins. “Do you know who it’s going to be?” he asks jokingly.
I pause. “I have a faint idea, yes.”
His eyes widen in surprise. “Really?”
I nod. “Yes, I think so.”
“But-but two seconds ago, you were clueless!”
I shrug. “I know. But I can’t spend my life wavering between them. I have to make a decision, it’s not fair on them.”
“Are you sure?”
I look at my hands, trying to imagine them in the place of his. “Almost.”
“Well, who is it?” Trace exclaims, the urgency to know killing him.
I smile. “Not who you’d expect.”
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