My fingers drum on the leather of the steering wheel as I stare at the house in front of me.
This is it. This is what these pass crazy months have been leading up to.
Making a decision.
It was like an epiphany. A sudden, unexpected shock of realization. A swift understanding of what I had to do. An abrupt insight to what I had perceived as a complex problem, but the answer was really staring me in the face all along, I just hadn’t chosen to see it.
It had to be him. It just had to be. There were no if, ands, or buts. All I could think of was his name, how he made me feel, what a great future we could have together. All the reasons I could think of not to be with him became…excuses. They were weak justifications that I had fabricated to try and run away from the one thing I’ve always wanted.
I want to be married one day. I want to wake up every morning beside someone I know will love me for who I am, and who isn’t going to judge me because I don’t wear a size two, or have such a cynical outlook on life, or have hair which has no objections to frizzing at regular intervals.
I had always questioned whether this man existed. My experience of men left little to be desired, and I had no problem with the cruel reality that I may never find anyone who was that perfect. All that made for each other crap…it wasn’t true, right? It was something Walt Disney had conjured up to complete all his fairytale endings. It was something only incessantly jovial characters believed in, because it made the long slog of life seem somehow worthwhile. It was something I never believed it, because it simply wasn’t true.
I hate it when I’m wrong.
Don’t run away with the assumption that I’m some happy, go-lucky, ‘My, isn’t life wonderful?’ girl after this. Oh no, I’m still Cat. I still think Valentine’s Day was invented by the candy companies and would not protest to the abolition of that shitty day. I still read unwaveringly feminist books that will stop at no measures to ensure men are taken off their pedestal, and most of the time I find myself agreeing with their theories. Although I want to get married, there is absolutely no question in the aforementioned event taking place any time soon. I was brought up on the strict ideology of ‘Career first, then men and love’, and I plan to stick to that.
I want to become an adult, instead of just a twenty one year old trying her best to appear capable in this bizarre world. I want to have my own career, where I’m motivated and successful. I want to be able to support myself financially and never wish to fall into the trap of depending on someone else for money, and then wake up to find myself one day with nothing.
And I know he’ll support me in whatever I choose to do. He can be an cocky asshole, this we all know, but when the demeanor he presents to the world is stripped away…he’s a good man. I’ve doubted this before, but I know him. He won’t stomp all over my heart, or leave me stranded like Matthew did. He won’t tease me when I say something stupid. He’ll try his hardest to make me happy and is sure to be my needs before his own.
Of course, how can I be so sure? Honestly, I can’t. It’s easy to live life by the rulebook, and to limit myself to what I can see working out and what I can’t. I know with him, I’ll be happy, even if it’s not forever.
It wasn’t easy telling the other man that I just didn’t have faith in our relationship. The heartbroken look in his eyes made me feel as though I had torn his world in two, but I know it’s for the best. I was almost tempted to point out exactly how easy it would be for him to get another girlfriend, or how many women literally throw themselves at him just to get his attention, but I didn’t. Instead, I just slipped out, leaving behind the key had so lovingly had made for me. He’ll move on, and so will I.
My feet easily walk up the crunchy gravel path, feeling almost lighter in an odd way, without the crushing weight of “What should I do?” on my shoulders.
Slipping inside, I quietly walk into the kitchen, the house silent except for my footsteps. His hunched over appearance greets me as I push the door open. His long fingers, dug deep into his hair, seem to be clutching at his scalp slightly, and I hear the soft whimper of sobs.
“Hey,” I say softly, but he jumps nonetheless.
“Cat?” His eyes widen, before he stumbles out of his chair to his feet, wiping his tears. “I thought I’d never see you again.”
“Here I am.”
He pauses, before nervous rambling entices him and he opens his mouth, probably without thinking about what’s going to come out of it. “God, I’m so sorry about what happened today between me and--”
I hold up my hand to silence him. “It doesn’t matter.”
His rambles cease and he stares at me, swallowing nervously as my eyes scan the face of the person I love. “I know I was out of line, but--”
Laughing, I take a step towards him. “Honestly, it doesn’t matter.”
He frowns at me as I step closer still, slowly but surely sealing off the space between us. “Are you sure?”
I nod. “Anything that has happened between us…it’s not important. All that matters now is you, and me.”
He takes an apprehensive breath in, looking at me suspiciously. “I thought you’d be with….him.” He trails off, the very name of his competition apparently too much for him to bear.
Nervous anticipation fills my stomach as I stand in front of him, my vulnerability exposed to him, unable to find the words to tell the truth, and unable to lie.
“But I’m not,” I whisper, tears crystallizing in my eyes as they run over his features. That hair, that nose, that mouth. Everything about him is perfect.
“No, you’re not,” he replies softly, taking a timid step towards me, leaving our bodies mere inches from each other in the silent room.
I take in a shaky breath as a tear rolls down my cheek. “I’m sorry. There’s just so much to say, but I don’t know how to…” I admit helplessly, any shred of sarcasm or attitude melting away with my tears.
“That’s okay,” he comforts, placing a hand on my face to wipe away the emotions with the soft pad of his thumb. “You don’t have to say anything.”
“I’m sorry for how I’ve treated you,” I blurt out. “I’ve just been so confused, and this is all so new to me…”
“It’s okay,” he soothes, running his hand over my hair to ease my gentle sobs. “We can just forget about it.”
“You deserve so much better than me,” I mumble into his chest, as his arm envelop me and gently stroke my back.
He laughs slightly. “Sweetheart, if you knew just how remarkable you are, you wouldn’t say that.”
My tears flow more rapidly as I cling to his t-shirt desperately, so scared that if I let go, I’ll lose him.
I couldn’t bear to lose him. Not now.
Pulling away from him, I gently cup his face in my hands. “This is it, okay? We have one chance to make things work.”
His arms encircled my waist, holding my close to him. “I promise, you won’t regret your decision.”
Sighing, I lean into his chest again, the familiar scent of his cologne enchanting my senses. “I know.”
We remain tangled in our embrace, before my tears dry and I pull away from him again. His dark eyes bore into mine, silently asking for permission to fully seal the gap between us, to close the chapter on this part of our relationship, and to start a whole new one.
Nodding, I feel his arms pull me closer to him, until every part of our bodies are touching, except our lips.
His forehead leans against mine, his hot breath tickling my lips, before our lips fuse together in a whirl of passion, my entire being wrapped up in the gentle movements of his lips.
We stay like that for what seems like years, before our bond is gently broken and our lips separate, only our gasping breaths breaking the silence of the room.
“I love you,” he whispers.
Feeling a euphoric happiness encase my body, mind and soul, I put my head against his chest, hearing the soft beating of his heart through the rising and falling of his chest.
“I love you too, Justin.”
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