I sit straight up in bed and look around, not completely sure what to expect.    

Fortunately, I know exactly where I am, and it's exactly where I belong. I look to my left and breathe a sigh of relief at the sight of my boyfriend sleeping peacefully beside me.     

I wish I could understand why I keep having that same God awful dream.    

Deep down, I know damn well Max isn't the cheating kind, but it's always the same. I go to his apartment, find him with another girl, and I go running straight to Justin. The really odd thing though, I never see the girls face and I never actually see them doing anything compromising.    

It doesn't make a damn bit of sense.    

Then of course, there's the bit about Justin.    

Why, after a year, would I go running to him, of all people? If something like that ever actually happened, the only place I'd go to, would be Cooper's.    

It's almost like some sick, twisted tradition now.    

I get dicked around by a man, I go crying to Cooper and we spend three days on his couch, eating ice cream and watching bad romantic comedies.     

That's how the being cheated on, yet again, scenario would play out in reality. But for some fucked up reason, my subconscious is almost pulling me toward Justin. And unfortunately, his sudden appearance in my dreams has got me doing quite a bit of thinking.    

Maybe I'm over-analyzing just a tad, but I can't ignore the sense that this dream is supposed to mean something.    

I just haven't got the slightest clue what.    

Cooper however, seems to think it's my own guilt beginning to eat at me. And when you think about it, I've got a fairly long list of shit to feel guilty about. What I did to Justin, the fact that after a year, I still can't say those three little words to Max, the way Justin seems to invade my thoughts at the most inappropriate times, the fact that I still question my decision.    

Don't get me wrong, Max is fantastic and I genuinely care about him, but I can't ignore the feeling that something's missing.    

When I look at him, I don't feel butterflies. When I kiss him, I don't see fireworks, or stars, or any of the other cliche, sappy bullshit.     

There's just no spark.    

I mean really, I know it could be so much worse. But, I just... I want that spark.    

But, I made my decision and I have to live with it.    

Maybe Max isn't the love of my life or anything, but it's ok. Not everybody gets that fairytale thing. A lot of people settle, and I'm ok with that. I mean, is it really so terrible to settle for a great guy who treats you like a princess? I think not.    

I lay back down and sigh when Max slips an arm around my waist, pulling me against his chest.    

Settling may not be terrible... but it isn't great either.

***************    

"You fucked up." Cooper shrugs. "You knew then, Max was the wrong decision, but you were bound and determined to blow Justin off. You just didn't give a shit. You're too God damn stubborn Emma, that's always been your problem. And now... you're in way too deep to just say 'oh, wrong guy, my bad.' You brought it on yourself."    

"Max isn't wrong... he just... isn't right."I reply lamely, doing my best to justify my own stupidity.    

"Honestly Em, I don't know what you tell you. I could always do the friend thing and say do what makes you happy, but it isn't just about you. I like Max... I like you with Max, and I don't want to see a good guy get hurt because you're being so fucking selfish and stubborn."    

"You didn't seem to mind when Justin got hurt."   

 "There weren't real feelings at stake there." He says simply. "You've been with Max for a year... a fucking year, Emma."    

"I know." I mutter and frown.    

Despite my attitude, I adore Cooper and his ability to lay everything on the table. He doesn't sugarcoat anything, and I need that.    

The only problem is, it's just laying another mass of guilt on my shoulders.     

I have finally come to the realization that I made the wrong decision.    

At the time, Max was exactly what I thought I needed. But even then, a small part of me knew it was a mistake. I guess I just let my fear of Justin and the unexpected take over.     

I am a stupid, stupid girl.     

And now, there's really no way to go back.     

Sure, I could tell Max the truth and risk hurting him, but taking Max out of the picture doesn't mean Justin is going to welcome me with open arms.     

Even a blind man could have seen just how hurt he was after what I did to him. I led him on, I let him chase me relentlessly, I made him believe there was a chance... and then I pushed him aside because I was too stubborn to give in.     

Cooper wasn't kidding when he said I fucked up.     

So, the question now is... where the hell do I go from here?     

Do I push my real feeling aside, suck it up and stay with Max?    

Or, do I take the selfish route, hurt another person, and see where it takes me?    

Most importantly, what the fuck would I even say to Justin?    

It's been a year.    

Guys like Justin don't hold on for too long. I'd be willing to bet he's found someone else, and is probably ten times happier than I ever could have made him.     

But, what if...    

What if he's not seeing anyone? What if he does still hold some small bit of affection for me? Do I really want to risk missing out on that?    

"You should talk to Justin." Cooper says suddenly, almost as if he's reading my mind. "I may not agree with screwing Max around... but... damnit Emma... you deserve to be happy as much as anybody else, no matter how fucking stupid you are."    

He's right, you know.     

I may be stupid, but even idiots deserve to be happy, don't they?