"Are you kidding? That's the worst idea in the history of thinking!" Jules shrieks as she slaps Cooper's arm roughly.
"It's the only way she's going to figure this shit out."
"No, it's not. You're gay, for Christ sake! You have no fucking clue what you're talking about." She mutters angrily before turning to me. "Emma... Don't listen to him, and whatever you do... do not talk to Justin!"
"Why?" I reply disinterestedly.
I already know exactly what she's going to say, but I'll humor her none the less.
The fact of the matter is... I already know what I'm going to do.
It's taken me a few days, but I've come to some fairly eye opening conclusions about myself and this mess I managed to get into.
For the first time in my life, I used my brain rather than my emotions, and I weighed the pros and cons. I played every possible scenario out in my head. And, I came up with a plan.
This plan may not make everyone happy and I'm sure some feelings will be hurt, but this is simply the way things have to be. This is the only way I'll be able to wipe the slate clean and get this off of everyone's shoulders.
"It's so fucking simple." Jules sighs and rolls her eyes. "You made a decision... stick with it! Obviously, something pulled you toward Max in the first place. That's gotta mean something. Not to mention the fact that it's been a God damn year. For all you know...he could be ready to propose or something. Max has been nothing but good to you and you're gonna dick him over because you've suddenly decided you want what wasn't good enough the first time around? That's not fucking fair Emma. Not to him, not to you... hell, it's not even fair to Justin!"
"How so?" I ask curiously.
Clearly, Jules has come up with her own theory as to what I'm going to do about all of this, and obviously... she's thinking the worst. I'm not saying she's right or wrong, but knowing that she's assuming the worst of me, right out of the gate, stings just a bit.
"How?" She laughs humorlessly and rolls her eyes. "You tell me... how would you feel if someone you were crazy about, shot you down for another girl, then after a year comes back and says they were wrong? A lot can happen in a year, Em. Justin could be a completely different guy now and you want to go barging back into his life because you were too selfish and stupid to see what was right in front of you. Not. Fucking. Fair."
She's right, and I know that... I do. But... this is my life.
Yes, the things I'm about to do in the very near future won't affect just me, but basically... I started all of this, and I'm going to finish it.
****************
"Hey." I smile as brightly as I can manage as the door swings open and I'm met with those amazing blue eyes and that blinding grin.
He really is too pretty for his own damn good.
"Hi." He replies as he leans in and kisses me quickly.
I follow him into the apartment, trying to memorize everything as quickly as I can. The way he smells. The way he smiles at me. His jacket slung over the back of the brown leather couch. The dent he put in the wall when he moved his bed in. The red wine stain on the beige carpet, from one of our many date nights. His keys on the kitchen counter. The jazz CDs I bought him for his birthday, stacked neatly on top of the stereo. His bedroom, where we had sex for the first time. The balcony where he told me he loved me. The drawer he emptied for me to keep extra clothes in.
Am I really ready to leave all of this behind?
On my way here, I was so sure of myself, but now that I'm actually standing in front of him, that familiar doubt is starting to creep up on me, and I just don't know.
What if my thoughts of Justin, is just my fear of commitment coming out? What if I was just so scared of finally having something real that I talked myself into thinking I'd made the wrong decision?
No.
As much as I hate to do this... I know.
I know that Max was the wrong choice. If I'm going to make any of this right, it's gotta start here and now.
"So... you wanted to talk." He states before planting himself on the couch.
"Yeah, I do." I nod slowly and take a seat in the chair across from the couch.
Keeping my distance will hopefully make this a little bit easier and I really need that right now. I need to get through this as quickly and painlessly as I can.
When I told Cooper what I'd planned to do, he first called me out for being such a fucking moron, but then he told me it'd be just like pulling off a band-aid.
It's gonna hurt like hell for awhile, but eventually... it'll ease up, and with any luck... I'll know better next time.
Next time...
I'm not quite sure what's going to happen the next time I have to do something like this, but I guarantee it won't hurt the way this does.
Max may not be right for me, but he is an incredible guy and losing him is going to break my heart. But... this is the way it has to be. He deserves so much more than my half hearted attempt at loving him.
"Em... baby..." He chuckles and snaps his fingers in front of my face. "Ya alright?"
"Oh yeah... I'm... I'm fine." I force a smile and nod quickly. "I um... I've been doing some thinking the last few days. And I just..." I sigh and look up to find him staring at me intently, that sweet smile still planted on his face.
This is turning out to be a hundred times harder than I thought it would.
"Jesus... Max... I am so sorry." I choke out as the tears form in my eyes.
"Emma? What the hell is going on?" I frown at the worry in his voice and shake my head.
If he was mad at me, or had treated me badly even once, this would be so fucking easy.
"I... for a long time... I've... I've been... I'm not as into this relationship as I should be." I stutter.
He nods slowly, a knowing look passing over his features. "Look, Emma... if this is about the whole I love you thing, I don't have to say it. I just... I felt it and thought you should know."
"It's... it's not that." I mutter and rub my eyes tiredly. "I... I have feelings for someone else."
He hangs his head for several minutes, not saying a word. Great... Jules was right. He was probably on the verge of proposing or something, and this is what I do to him.
If they gave out trophies for the worlds shittiest person, I'm sure I'd receive quite a few of them just for this.
"You know what's funny..." He laughs sadly and shakes his head. "I think a part of me always knew that. I knew, that first time I met Justin, that there was something there. But... you never said anything and I just... I guess I didn't want to believe it. And when he was suddenly out of the picture... I felt better, but there was still something missing, you know? All this little shit kept adding up, but I refused to see it. By then... I was so far gone, there was no going back. I fell for you, even though I knew there was someone else, so I guess I brought this on myself, huh?"
"Oh Max... no. No. I'm the bad guy here, ok? Honestly... I don't know what the hell you ever saw in me to begin with. You are so beyond too good for me, it's ridiculous. And.. as much as I'm hating this right now... you deserved the truth. I couldn't keep going when I knew I wasn't in this all the way. That just isn't fair to you."
"Life ain't fair." He chuckles bitterly and rolls his eyes.
"This is true. But... ya know... when you're with the right girl, you'll look back and laugh at this."
"Emma..." He sighs and smiles sadly. "I happen to think I'm with the right girl now... and I sure as hell ain't laughing. But... I appreciate the honesty. I'm just not really sure what you want from me now."
"Well... that's up to you." I nod and swallow the lump in my throat. "I would love for us to come out of this as friends, but I..."
"As much as I want to... I can't do that." He shrugs. "I... Emma... I just, can't do that."
I nod slowly, biting down on my lip to keep my tears at bay. "I... I understand."
"Alright then." He sighs and stands up. "I'm... I'm gonna head out for awhile so you can get your stuff." He shoots me one last disappointed look before shaking his head and making his way out of the apartment.
One down.... One more to go.
