Chapter 4.
Never Again.
We had just wrapped up the Celebrity tour and I found myself in the studio again, but this time without the other guys, my support system. I had been spending a lot of my time after the tour ended just writing, trying to get her out of my head. But it didn’t work, especially since she kept on calling me at all hours, wanting to ‘talk’ but never apologize.
Every time she called I kept on hanging up on her, hoping she’d get the point. I really didn’t want to have to treat her the way I did, but I kept telling myself she deserved it.
Soon I sat in the studio and Johnny told me I would be working with Brian McKnight. I was happy because I’d asked him to work with me knowing he could get some of the great harmonies together, but at the same time I was scared out of my mind. I think it may have been because no one, not even my mother really knew how I felt about Britney still, and now I was going to have to share that with someone not in my close circle of friends.
“So J,” Brian said leaning back on the chair in the studio and looking at me while I sat at the piano. “Let’s hear it.” I looked at him and nodded meekly and took a deep breath in, this was it, no going back.
Would have given up my life for you,
Guess it’s true what they say about love,
It’s blind,
Girl, you lied straight to my face,
Looking in my eyes,
And I believed you because I loved you more than life,
When all you had to do,
Was apologize…..
I stopped and felt the tears rise in my throat as I remembered everything me and Brit had been through. I closed my eyes for a minute and sat there, trying to forget. This was harder than I thought.
“Justin?” Brian asked me with a look of concern on his face. I looked up at him after a while and smiled.
“Yeah?” I asked with a raspy voice looking back down quickly at my notes.
“You okay dude?” Brian asked, I nodded and looked back at him.
“Yeah sorry, just a bit of a scratchy throat,” I lied and reached over for the glass of water that sat on the piano, I took a long sip.
“Okay ready?” Brian asked, I nodded and continued to play.
You didn’t say you’re sorry,
I don’t understand,
You don’t care that you hurt me,
And now I’m half the man,
That I used to be when it was you and me,
You didn’t love me enough,
My heart may never mend,
And you’ll never get to love me again (hey, hey, hey)
No, no, no, no, no, no.
I paused again as the tears threaten to fall, I squeezed my eyes tightly shut and tried to forget her.
“Justin? Are you sure you’re okay?” Brian’s voice asked me as I seemed to loose all sense of where I was. I didn’t open my eyes; I just nodded and took another breath in.
“Yeah I’m good,” I replied, “Just you know; it’s been a rough day.”
“Yeah I get it,” he replied with sympathy. “You wanna continue or finish up
tomorrow?” I shook my head, adamant to finish today; after all we’d asked him to come in especially right?
“No I’m good,” I said opening my eyes and continued to play.
Sadness has me at the end of the line,
Helpless watched you break this heart of mine,
And loneliness only wants you back here with me,
But common sense knows that you’re not good enough for me,
And all you had to do was apologize,
And mean it…
I could imagine her eyes, her face and everything else swimming around in my brain as I played the song. Every word I sang reminded me of her, and it was so true to what I was feeling I didn’t know if was even right.
I knew that I wanted her back, but the common sense in me said no, she hurt you, don’t let yourself fall back into her trap. But sometimes it was hard, especially when I’d get home and know to expect a message from her.
But you didn't say you're sorry
I don't understand
You don't care that you hurt me
And now I'm half the man
That I used to be when it was you and me
You didn't love me enough
My heart may never mend
And you'll never get to love me.
I knew I didn’t want her to still love me, but for both of us it was hard, we’d grown up together, literally. And now here we were, in two separate worlds, when just months ago they were one.
Wish like hell I could go back in time,
Maybe then I could see how...
Forgiveness says that I should give you one more try,
But it's too late, it's over now. (Hey, yeah, yeah, ooh)
I finished up the rest of the song and sighed, that had been harder than I had thought. I opened my eyes and looked over to Brian, whose eyes held a sad expression.
“Well?” I asked and he smiled softly.
“It’s good kid,” he replied nodding, “But maybe we add a bit more instruments, make it all acoustic though, what do you think?” I nodded, in reply, not really caring. My heart had been taken too much out of my body today, running down my mind.
“Um, yeah sure thing,” I said nodding and taking a long sip of water. Brian looked at me and smiled, because to him we’d just finished making a hit. But to me, we’d just given the world a taste of my heart.
A few weeks later I was sitting with Timbaland in the studio, and he just happened to be humming a melody that I thought was really unique and would be good for ‘Cry Me a River.’
“That’s a cool beat,” I said nodding in his direction, Timbaland nodded and smiled at me.
“Yeah it is, just something about that tune you just played me,” Timbaland replied and leaned forward.
“Yeah I was thinking about that too, why don’t we try it out?” I asked, at the time I wasn’t worried because I had already thought I had overcome all my Britney problems, after the incident with Brian.
“So should we try it out?” I asked with a raised eyebrow and Timbaland nodded, I smiled and cleared my throat as I began to play the song.
You were my sun,
You were my earth,
But you didn't know all the ways I loved you, no.
So you took a chance,
Made other plans.
But I bet you didn't think your thing would come crashing down, no.
I found myself pausing again, and wondering why in hell’s name Brit refused to tell me what had happened, why did I have find out from Wade?
You don't have to say, what you did,
I already know, I found out from him.
Now there's just no chance
For you and me, there'll never be.
And don't it make you sad about it?
I wondered if she was sad, if she felt guilty. I wanted her to; I wanted her to see what damage she’d caused. But would she? She most probably felt guilty about it, but she would never tell anyone, not even her mother.
You told me you loved me,
Why did you leave me, all alone?
Now you tell me you need me,
When you call me, on the phone.
Girl I refuse, you must have me confused,
With some other guy.
Your bridges were burned, and now it's your turn,
To cry...Cry me a river (repeat 4x)
Yeah, yeah.
Now she was trying to contact me? Why? To say she was sorry for breaking my heart? I shook my head in the confusion of all my thoughts.
“J, you okay?” Timbaland’s voice asked breaking me out of my trance and I realized I’d be playing the same line over
and over.
“Um, yeah,” I said with confusion, “Just a lot on my mind.”
“I hear you man,” Timbaland said, “You wanna finish it or what?” I nodded and continued playing.
I know that they say,
That some things are better left unsaid.
But it wasn't like you only talked to him and you know it (Don't act like you don't know it)
All of these things people told me,
Keep messing with my head. (Messing with my head)
Should've picked honesty,
Then you may not have blown it (yeah).
I knew she had been lying, the papers had said so, even the guys had told me. Heck, she’d even told Jayce who’d relayed the information to me about Wade trying to pick up Brit, but I brushed it of why? Because I loved the woman that’s why. God, I was so gullible. But if she’d told me the truth about Wade, then maybe, just maybe I could have helped avoid the problem, but she’d lied.
You don't have to say, what you did, (Don't have to say, what you did)
I already know, I found out from him (I already know, uh)
Now there's just no chance, for you and me, there'll never be. (No chance, you and me)
And don't it make you sad about it?
Then Wade came up and told me. I closed my eyes and continued playing as that day when Wade came up to the house replayed in my head. I had treated him like shit, but I had a right. My whole heart had been trampled on that day, like a part of me had been taken away never to return.
You told me you loved me,
Why did you leave me, all alone (all alone)
Now you tell me you need me,
When you call me, on the phone (when you call me on the phone).
Girl I refuse, you must have me confused,
With some other guy. (I'm not like them baby)
Your bridges were burned, and now it's your turn (It's your turn)
To cry, so...Cry me a river (Go on and just) (repeat 4x)
Yeah, yeah.
I snapped out of my trance just as I felt the phone in my pocket vibrate. I sighed and picked it up, glancing at Timbaland who gave me a suspicious look.
“Justin?” It was Britney; I shook my head and closed my eyes. I didn’t want to deal with her now; I had to change this number.
“No Brit, not now,” I said trying not loose my cool. “I’m busy.”
“Can’t we at least talk?” she asked, and I snapped. Did she ever listen?
“No Brit,” I snapped, “I said I was busy, go bug someone else.”
“But Justin...” she began and I cut her off.
“I don’t give a shit Brit,” I snapped. “You’re bridges have been burned.” And I snapped my phone shut.
“J, you okay?” Timbaland asked giving me a concern look. I sighed and nodded.
“Yeah I’m good,” I said, “Just women troubles.” He smiled and gave a low chuckle.
“Britney? The woman you wrote the song for?” he asked knowing and I nodded.
“You can say that,” I replied and began playing again. “So
I was thinking you could add something in here.” I continued playing hoping he would just drop the subject and add a line or two to the song instead.
“Yeah I could,” he said nodding and tapping a pen on the table as he picked out the beat. After a while he nodded and looked at me. “Okay play it again.”
“Sure,” I said and replayed it, as I did so he added his own line.
“Oh, (oh) the damage is done, so I guess I be leaving,” he sang and I looked at him, that was perfect. Exactly what the song needed and exactly what I wanted to tell Brit.
“That’s great,” I said nodding and looking at him. “You think we could repeat it? Like four times or so just to give it flow?”
He nodded and smiled, “Yeah I was thinking the same thing.”
“Cool,” I said and finished the song, when we were done he smiled at me.
“That was good kid,” he said, and I smiled back. “So you want to lay it down solid?”
“Yeah let’s,” I said but stood up. “But first I need a break.” He nodded and got up as well as we walked out the room to get some drinks. As we left I still couldn’t shake the feeling that my life was one step to becoming something I had always dreaded, public.
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