Chapter 9.
Dear Diary.
January 2004.
It was January third 2004, and I was in Vegas with some friends having a great time, when my life took a spiral down. I don’t remember exactly what happened that night, because I had been drinking a bit too much vodka and cranberry juice but I remember one thing, my childhood friend Jason Alexander, he was there, and he coaxed me into it.
I guess he did it because he wanted the publicity, wanted to make the money off me and looking back I can see how. We had been drinking the whole night before and were pretty wasted. I don’t know why we decided to do it, maybe for the fun of it, but we did it, and it was the worst decision ever.
“Let’s get married,” Jason announced to me as he swung his arm over my shoulder. I laughed as if I thought this was the funniest thing ever.
“Okay,” I said feeling a bit giddy, “But where?”
“Somewhere spectacular!” He said waving his arms around and twirling. I giggled at him and nodded.
“Ohhh, what about that little place we saw on our way in? I forget the name,” I said with excitement.
“Where ever my queen wants,” he said falling down on one knee and grabbing my hand. “Let’s getting married just for the hell of it! Let’s go wild and crazy!” I laughed at the idea, but at the time it sounded fun.
So we did, at one of the wedding chapels in Vegas, and we took my brother and his girl friend along as witnesses too. It was 5:30 am on Saturday morning.
The next day I remember waking up with a screaming hang over and realizing it was past noon, and I was married. Shit what had I done? What would everyone think? I sighed and clambered out of bed, once I was actually standing on my feet I looked around. Fuck I was in his hotel room, and we’d had sex. Shit. I sighed and grabbed my clothes; I ran into the bathroom, changed and abruptly left Vegas a few hours later. I really didn’t want to have to face him.
I got home back to Louisiana and the first person I told was my mother, she went crazy.
“You what?” she shrieked and I sighed, placed my head in my hands and nodded.
“We got married,” I whispered and groaned. “What do I do?”
“You get a divorce, that’s what,” she stated glaring at me. “How could you let this happen?” I shrugged and refused to look at her, because I knew she was upset.
“We wanted to have fun,” I said, and I knew it sounded like the lamest excuse ever concocted in human history.
“Fun? Brit, if you want to have fun go out and drink, but getting married because you want some fun?” My mother asked, and I knew then that she thought I was nuts. I just nodded, not knowing what to say.
“Yeah, that and we were drunk,” I said looking down at my feet in shame. I heard her take a deep breath in then sit next to me on the couch.
“Okay, here’s what we’re going to do,” she said taking control of the situation. “We’re going to call David and sign an annulment order, then the marriage will be over and it would be like it never existed.” I looked at her and smiled gratefully, what would I do without my mother?
“Okay, thanks mom,” I said hugging her, “But what do I tell him?”
“Let us handle that, all you have to do is make sure no one finds out,” she said with a smile.
So it did come out, the day after. The whole world knew about it, and we tried to do as much damage control as we could. We told tall tales to make the story seem plausible, but really it was all a stupid mistake on a drunken night. We told the papers I wasn’t drunk, so it wouldn’t seem so irresponsible, but in reality we were and we knew it.
Jason took it pretty well, which is surprising, but he didn’t really care. At least one man in my life didn’t give a shit. On the other hand, someone else who knew me very well cared, Justin. And he sent Lance to come talk to me about it.
I was at some hotel and it was January 10th 2004. I was sitting on the bed while Lance sat next to me, giving me advice. Or so he said.
“He’s just worried, we all are,” Lance said placing a hand on my shoulder. “We just want to know what’s going on Brit, you’ve changed a lot.”
“I know Lance,” I said with a sigh and looking at my shoes. “I guess I can say I’m not coping as well as I thought.”
“Yeah I can see that, but that’s no way to excuse you behaviour Brit,” Lance said with a sigh.
“I guess,” I said and Lance shot a look at me.
“You guess? Brit you can’t just guess at these things,” he said and I just nodded knowing I had upset him. “Brit, what’s going on? Tell me the truth.”
“I still love him,” I whispered, and felt tears in my eyes, “I know I shouldn’t but I do. And it doesn’t help with all the spot light that’s been turned on me lately.” Lance sighed and tried to smile.
“I know, but that’s your own undoing Brit,” he replied, “And I know you still love Justin, as he still loves you, but you’re not the same people anymore Brit. You have to move on.”
“I know,” I said with a nod, but deep inside I didn’t know how.
“You guys will always love each other, but move on to bigger and better things. This is not the way Brit,” Lance said with a smile and rubbed my back. “Will you promise me you’ll at least try?”
“Yeah, okay,” I said not wanting to fight; I knew Lance was telling the truth.
“Good,” he said and stood up, pulling me up with him and hugging me. “I should go, but take care of yourself Brit, and if you need anything, anything at all call me or one of the other guys ok?” I looked at him and nodded, knowing that they would be there. But their priority wasn’t me, it was Justin.
“I will, thanks for coming by Lance,” I replied and gave him half a smile. He smiled back, patted me on the shoulder then left. Leaving me alone to face my demons and come to terms with my mistakes.
On March 2nd the Onyx Hotel tour began, and it was hectic. We kicked off in San Diego, with everyone in high spirits and my 55 hour marriage forgotten. I was getting better, not so much doing crazy things I had realized that what I was doing would not get me anywhere.
The dancers we had hired for the tour were hot and amazing, and we’d all become very close. I had especially become close with one in particular, his name was Kevin Federline.
The first time I met Kevin, I thought he was crazy but with a charm to him. And he sort of reminded me of Justin. He used to work for both Nsync as well as for LFO, and I remembered him. I never really paid much attention to who he was, but I remember seeing him around Justin and the guys a lot.
We met at the end of the first leg of the tour in mid-April before we were to kick off the European leg with JC as a supporting act. JC had pestered me to go out with him so we could ‘discuss’ the tour but in the end he ended up leaving the club, called Joseph’s in Hollywood, with his girlfriend.
I remember sitting in the booth and watching people dance around me, when I noticed a guy with hot dance moves. He was ripping it up and I seriously thought he would be a good addition to the tour. So I go one of the body guards to go get him to come talk to me.
When he came over, he at first was a bit star struck I’d say, but after a while he calmed down and we got talking. I realized then and there that this was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. After Justin and I broke up I thought I would never feel like that again. But here was Kevin, funny and caring and sweet and willing to spend the time on me.
He was married yes, but they were separated. And he had a child with her and she was currently pregnant with their second, but I didn’t care. He would be mine, so to begin with I invited him out on the tour and he agreed. I thought maybe this would be the way to start off the relationship, but I was wrong, way wrong. As April dragged on we became closer and by the time the tour re-started again we had become official and for once I felt whole again.
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