I knew this day would come.
The day where he’d slowly slip away and succumb to a better place, where he wouldn’t be considered the hottest singer but simply a musician with an incredible talent who was a human being. I was supposed to have another year; I was supposed to be there when he left us, sitting beside him, holding his hand, telling him how much we loved him. Now I’m standing here surrounded by people, half of which I don’t know, supposedly “celebrating his life.” What life? He never got to live his life, not really. Thirty-two is not a lifetime. Sure he lived his life to the best he had known; but he still had so much to do, to live. He had yet to make his “Thriller” album as he called it; he had yet to do the drive across America road trip we always talked about. You know he had this whole list of things he wanted to do before he died? There were three-hundred and twenty-seven; I remember because we only did forty-eight of them.
His dad has been a huge support the past three days; my own parents have been amazing, although they don’t understand what it’s like to lose their other half. Lynn was not prepared and neither was I; you’d think we should have been. She’s been walking around, very quiet, almost hoping she’ll wake up from a dream. I do feel that way except I know its real; it’s not a dream. I don’t know what she’s going through herself; to lose a child, much less an only child, I can only imagine. He was the light of her life; a definite mama’s boy. He would have done anything for her and she would have done the same for him. She had at the beginning of his career when they moved to Orlando. Those two had an incredible bond although I wouldn’t have expected anything else from the two of them. She’s kept to herself since it happened. Even the kids can’t get her to snap back.
The kids. God, they’ve been better than I have. I’ve tried to be as strong as I can be but at night I cry myself to sleep. How do you explain to a five-year-old and three-year-old that Daddy isn’t coming home? They’re going along with the motions but then again I don’t think they understand what’s happened. Cara came in the other night, her brother still asleep, to find me crying as I usually did at night and wondered what was wrong. See? They’re better than I am right now.
I see a few acquaintances of his coming over to me. I don’t know why they’re here; they weren’t friends and they rarely talked, only when they were in the same place.
“I’m so sorry. It was so sudden. I hope you’re doing okay under the circumstances.”
Sudden my ass. Too bad I’ve known for a year and a half. “I’m trying my best.” Why can’t these people leave me alone? All I’ve been hearing is ‘I’m sorry’. Oh God, more people. I have to get out of here. I walk over to Paul telling him I’ll be back in awhile; I just needed to get out of there. He seemed to understand and I grabbed my purse and walked out the front door.
“They don’t get it do they?”
I snap around to see his ex-best friend, Trace, standing against the wall of the house. “No,” I said sighing, “they don’t. I didn’t think you’d come.”
“Neither did I.” He started to walk towards me swinging a set of keys around his fingers. “You want to get out of here? I have to go see him. We have some unfinished business.” I smiled knowing what he was talking about and nodded getting in the car. He slowly turned around in the driveway before heading towards the front gates and waiting as they swung open, security blocking the fans that had stood there for days.
They’ve been great, really they have. They’ve left letters and flowers, although we asked if possible, knowing J would want it, to donate to his foundation instead. I’ve managed to unintentionally run into a few that have been so sweet and caring, giving condolences, and telling me a few inspiring stories about he affected them. I always knew that he had at least done some good in the world. I had a girl come up to me yesterday, she couldn’t have been more than seventeen, and she almost made me cry. I’ll never forget what she said to me.
“I wanted to tell you that because of him my life turned around. I had a lot of things going on in my life, bad things, with school and family, and I felt like I couldn’t take it anymore. I didn’t want to live anymore. I hadn’t planned on being here much longer, I didn’t want to suffer through life, but my friends surprised me with tickets to his concert. I didn’t like him at the time, I wasn’t a fan of his music, but I wanted one last memory with my friends. To this day I can’t tell you what it was but there was something about his performance that just inspired me. I got through school with the help of his music, left my family after I graduated, and I’ve made it on my own. If it wasn’t for his music I wouldn’t be standing here talking to you today. I just thought you should have a comforting thought in the midst of everything.”
There have been a few that have been hurtful though, probably assuming it was drugs or drinking or something to that effect, that most celebrities got caught up in. I heard one girl say, almost like she knew him, that he deserved what he got. That he was gone. Although for all I know she could have been one of his toys from back in the day. From what I know he had lots of those. I didn’t care to know much about his past. She certainly acted like she knew him, ranting and raving about how bad of a person he was, how he had screwed everyone over, how he had always acted like an asshole. Can’t really blame her; he did with me too at first, and even later he had his moments. I just refused to take it.
That was the biggest different between us; I didn’t take any of his bullshit. The minute he stepped through that front door he was husband, best friend, and father. Not an A-list celebrity who had people falling at his feet. He washed dishes, he fixed miscellaneous things around the house, he painted, he changed diapers, he went to ballet classes; he even went on school field trips. Of course I took care of him if he was sick or something, but other than that? He got all of his own stuff. His mom always joked that I whipped him into shape. I don’t agree; I think it was just there hiding all these years, waiting for someone to bring it out in him.
“I didn’t think you’d come,” I quietly mumbled as I stared at the scenery flying by me.
He glanced at me and shrugged his shoulders. “Just because we had a falling out doesn’t mean he wasn’t still a brother to me. Just because he screwed me over royally doesn’t mean I don’t care about him.” Trace sighed and looked over at me with a small smile. “Sorry, I get carried away when I think about it.”
I nodded and continued to gaze out the window. “Believe me, I know the feeling.” Oh, he wasn’t a saint. I never said Justin was. There was no middle ground with anything with him. Everything was either perfect or royally fucked; there was never an okay. That was the biggest problem in our relationship; he could never accept okay, he had to be perfect with everything. Not many knew about that side though, they only knew about what they heard. He only screwed up a few things in our time together. I remember I kept getting questions about why I was still with him and how I felt and how I could handle it after that incident, after he betrayed both myself and Trace. The only thing I could say was that I was in it for the long haul: for better, for worse, in sick and in health.
Those words are pretty ironic now, considering we’ve been through all four of those. As much as he hurt me, I knew we were stronger than that, not that it made it okay that he went off and did that. But I loved him so much that it made me want to stay in the room; he felt the same way after he realized what a dumb-ass thing he did. He changed after that, into the man that I originally fell in love with, into the man I knew he could be. Of course he kept up his public persona, but behind closed doors with his friends and family? Everyone could see it. Although some people he had hurt too deeply to ever have the same relationship with them ever again.
“You know he was going to talk to you the day after he died? He wanted to right the wrong that he had done, not that he could right it, but he missed having you around.”
He rolled his eyes and looked at me. “That man was always late in everything he did.”
I burst out laughing for some unknown reason, eliciting a crazed look from Trace, and before we knew it we couldn’t stop giggling. “Isn’t that the truth.” I finally calmed down remembering one of the moments that stood out. “Remember at our wedding he was late for the ceremony because he couldn’t find that damn watch?”
“Oh God, I remember, he tore the place upside down looking for it, claiming it was lucky and he had to have it. He didn’t need the luck but he still wanted that thing.”
“Yeah then he remembered he gave it to his Dad the day before and he was running around for nothing?”
He smiled as he turned into the cemetery and found a place to park. “Yeah, that was hilarious. But you know it wouldn’t have been right if he hadn’t been late; it was always his trademark.”
“Yeah it was,” I faded off gazing in front of us, not wanting to get out of the car. I wasn’t ready. I think he could tell because he handed me the keys and shut the door, walking the long way out to the freshly moved ground. I watched him walk down the grassy aisle and sit down in front of his destination. It would buy me a few minutes while I tried to get all my jumbled thoughts together.
********
He stood in front of the headstone for a second before he decided to sit down. He didn’t know what he’d say when he got there and even now, sitting in front of it with the name and date in front of him, he still didn’t know what to say. “Hey.” Brilliant start. “I never thought this day would come. When I didn’t talk to your face and I talked to a piece of stone instead.” As much as it pained him, as much as he wanted to yell and scream at him, he couldn’t. “Why didn’t you tell me man? Jen said you didn’t want anyone to know except for your parents and her, but still, I deserved it. She didn’t tell me why you didn’t want to tell anyone, I’ll have to ask her about that.”
He decided to skip to the point of his coming out here. “I’ll never understand why you cheated. I know you used to be an ass, but I thought after Jen came you changed, hell, you said you did. I never thought you’d be that much of an asshole to someone. And with my girl of the time too, much less. What kind of guy sleeps with his best friend’s girl? God that hurt, you have no idea. And to do that to your wife? Your family? No, I’ll never understand what went through your mind. What your thoughts were on how you could justify it. It made me so mad, I couldn’t be around you, and you weren’t my best friend anymore. You were the new version of that guy who didn’t care all of a sudden. Didn’t care who you hurt. I thought you were behind all that.” He sighed, realizing his true feelings. “No matter how I feel about you, even if you were here, if we were friends, if we had gotten back to what our friendship used to be, I could never forgive you for what you did. Jen might have, but I can’t. I was hurt too much by someone who I trusted with my life. I just can’t forgive you.”
He made a move to stand but sat back down; he wasn’t ready to leave yet. “I have a new girl. Well, not new, I mean, we’ve been together for about two years, but it’s new since the last time I saw you. I’m pretty sure she’s the one. She’s a lot like you in some ways which I really like. She’s definitely different than anyone I’ve been with before. She calls me on my lazy ass too,” he said laughing to himself. “Much like Jen does to you---did, to you. Man I’m not going to get used to that, referring you to the past instead of the present. At least when we weren’t talking I knew you were still out there. Now you’re not even that.” He glanced toward the car and saw Jen in the passenger seat. “I better get going, Jen’s here, she wants to talk.” He got up and took one look at the headstone and walked away without a word and without looking back.
********
“Hey you.” She sat down and brought her knees up to her chest; something she always did when she was upset. “I just saw you a couple of hours ago; why am I here you ask?” As if he could actually speak. “Trace was coming here, and I desperately needed to get out of the house. Too many people. Too much sadness. You know me; I like happy endings, not sad ones.”
She took a deep breath; she was doing everything she could not to cry. “What am I gonna do without you, huh? It’s been so hard these past few days for everyone, not just me. Your mom doesn’t say much, keeps to herself most of the time. The kids can’t even get her to bounce back. Paul’s been amazing, helping out with everything, making sure everything has been taken care of. I hate to admit it but I’ve also been a bit of a zombie. Not that bad, I still have to keep my family together.” The word ‘family’ sent a few tears cascading down her face. “I don’t think the kids understand that you’re gone. They’re young though I think that’s why. I told them after everything happened that morning. I kept saying you were in heaven but I’m pretty sure Cara doesn’t get it. Bri’s too young. They miss you a lot, I can tell.”
She closed her eyes for a minute, willing the tears to go away; she didn’t want to cry here. “I keep waiting for you to walk through the front door. I keep turning over at night to hold you and you’re not there. I’ll walk downstairs in the morning and wait to see you making breakfast and making the kids laugh. I think it’s going to take me awhile to realize that I won’t be seeing that anymore.
“Did I tell you my parents are moving down here? They found a cute place over in Venice Beach, I have no idea how they can afford it, but they’re moving in a few weeks. They already sold the house up north. It’ll be nice to have them down here. I think I’ll need the help at first. I hope your mom stays too for awhile. I’ll need the support to get through the first part by myself. I’m probably making you upset; I really didn’t come here to make you feel bad that you aren’t here. I know you’ll be watching down on us.”
She glanced back at the car and saw Trace waiting patiently but she knew it was time to leave. “I better get going; I still have a house full of people, although I’d rather stay here with you.”
She kissed her fingers and placed them on his name “I love you baby. I always will.”
********
Once he reached the car he sat in the driver’s seat and noted that Jen seemed to be lost in a world of thought. He had to know before they went back and went their separate ways. “Why didn’t he tell anyone?”
She snapped over to look at him obviously being lost in her thoughts. “What?”
“Why didn’t he tell anyone?”
She sighed and leaned her head back against the cool leather. “He didn’t want everyone treating him differently. To a point I can understand where he was coming from. I can’t say that I didn’t treat him differently, for the most part I treated him the same. Although there were times when I annoyed him I know. There were times that if he did something or forgot something I’d worry. His doctor must hate me; I was always calling, of course behind J’s back, to find out what a certain action meant for him. He would’ve killed me if he found out I was doing that. He just didn’t want to worry about it; I think he knew that eventually it would get him.”
He nodded in understanding; he could definitely understand why he didn’t tell anyone, although that wasn’t an excuse. “How long had he had it?”
“A year and a half.” She must have noticed his jaw dropping because she continued to talk. “I know, it’s a long time. It wasn’t bad at the beginning but something had to be done quickly, and after a while of going through treatments and such he seemed to be beating it. A few months ago the doctors said it was coming back and they started to treat it but for some reason the treatment didn’t do anything for the cancer. It started to spread, slowly, but it had started to, and he decided, against me and his parents, that he didn’t want any treatment anymore. I think we all knew before he told us that what his body rejecting treatment meant but we didn’t want to believe it. It wasn’t that he was giving up; it was that he didn’t want to spend the rest of his time being hooked up to machines and in and out of hospitals. Like I said, I don’t blame him; I’d rather play with my kids and spend whatever time I could with them than being hooked up somewhere getting weak. It wasn’t spreading quickly though and so they told us he had awhile before, you know. I was supposed to have him here longer. Instead I rolled over that morning expecting him to mumble incoherently, as he always did, and he wouldn’t wake up.
“We were supposed to go to Disneyland in a few weeks. He said we were all getting Mickey Mouse ears and that we were going on every possible ride. Paul and Lynn were coming so we could sneak off for a bit and go on a few other rides that the kids couldn’t go on.” She looked at me and wiped the tears that had started to gently make their way down her face. “I’m sorry, I’m rambling, you didn’t need to hear that. In any case, he didn’t tell anyone because he just wanted to live the rest of his life, however long it would be.”
********
We waited for the gates to open and I looked around at the fans that were still there paying their respects. Quite a few of the cars had disappeared meaning a lot of guests and gone home. I didn’t really want to have to talk about all of it again. I got out of the car and went to shut the door when I realized Trace hadn’t opened his. “Aren’t you going to come in?”
He shook his head from side to side. “No, it wouldn’t be a good idea. Plus, I’ve said my peace. It’s time to move forward.”
I nodded and sat back down quickly to give him a hug. “Will you call me? Maybe we can get together? I think I might need the escape for my own good.”
He nodded and reached next to him and handed me a picture. “I found this yesterday and thought you might want it. Just to keep around. He sent it to me a few months ago.” I glanced at the picture and saw our family, the four of us, sitting on the grass in the park up the street from our house. Justin was lying down, Cara sitting next to him tickling her dad. Brian was tugging at his dad’s hair, which he had started to let grow, and I was simply sitting back laughing and watching their dad being helpless against his children.
I smiled, wiping my tears from my eyes and looked at Trace. “Thank you.” I shut the car door and turned around pausing to look at the home we had loved so much. In all the wrongs he had done in his life, all the things he never had the chance to right, Justin Timberlake did something right in this world.
I walked up the path in front of the house and the front door opened to reveal Cara running out to me and Lynn standing at the door with Brian.
“Mommy we missed you!”
I smiled through my tears. “I missed you too baby.” My heart stopped when I heard what Cara asked next.
“When’s Daddy coming home?”
Author's Chapter Notes:
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
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