“Katy you are not allowed to just up and leave, you are my personal assistant, you need to be here to assist me.” JC’s voice sounded in her ear.

Katy rolled her eyes and briefly considered hanging up the phone, “JC, I am a two hour drive away.”

“I don’t care if you were a two minute drive away; you are supposed to be here.”

“I am entitled to time off you know.” Katy reminded him, “I’ll be gone two weeks tops.”

“Where are you going?”

“None of your business boss, this is for me and whoever I decide to go and see.” Katy told him, “I will see you soon; if anything explodes you can leave me a message.”

“A message?” JC shouted, “You better have your damn phone…”

“Goodbye Joshua.” Katy said, snapping her phone closed.

It had been a stressful past few months. JC had finished filming his movie and was supposed to go out on a promotional tour for his new album, provided that JIVE didn’t push the release date back yet again. Katy hadn’t been able to handle any more of JC’s rants about things not going to plan.

It had eventually come to the point where she had unplugged her house phone, turned her cell phone off, ignored him constantly pounding on her door. She even went so far as to change the lock on her front door. She had briefly wondered if JC would be smart enough to try his key on the rest of the doors of her house, but luckily he had given up after two hours of trying to get his key to work.

She needed time away from him. Justin was touring, yet again, Joey was taking a vacation after his Dancing with the Stars tour, Lance was busy with the radio station he was working for, so that had left Chris as her only option to escape JC.

She sighed and couldn’t believe that she had had to go to such great lengths to make sure that JC wouldn’t be able to find out where she had gone. She loved the man to death, but sometimes he could be so possessive that it scared her; then again when you’re friends for someone for thirty years that came with the territory.

So for weeks she had been withdrawing money from her account every other day, not wanting to use her credit card in case JC tried to trace it. She had even endured the questioning looks from her cousin when she asked to borrow his car.

So here she was driving two hours outside of LA to the beach house that Chris owned. Even if he wasn’t there she knew he wouldn’t mind that she used it to escape her mad life for a few days. Katy and the other guys were always welcome at Chris’s and never needed to call.

Katy pulled into the drive way, not seeing Chris’s car, she sighed. As much as she wanted to get away and be on her own, she had been looking forward to spending time with Chris. She didn’t get to see him very often. She sometimes missed the days when NSYNC was together, the days of them travelling together on the buses annoying each other to the point where it was entertaining. Those had surely been the golden years of her life.

She grabbed her messenger bag, figuring she could always come out later and grab her things from the car. She moved up the path, digging for the house key, startled when she could hear music blaring out the open windows. Katy rolled her eyes, not believing how she didn’t think that because there hadn’t been a car in the driveway didn’t mean he hadn’t parked it in the garage.

“Only Chris would listen to Justin’s CD.” Katy muttered to herself as what goes around, comes around started to play.

Katy tried the door handle and stepped into the house when it swung open easily. She frowned when the dogs didn’t come running for her and figured that he had either left them with one of his sisters or they were out back. She walked into the living room, wincing as the beat of the music invaded her ears. She turned the volume down to a more normal level before returning to the front entrance.

“Hey old man!” She called out, “You have company!” 

A frown crossed Katy’s face when she got no response from Chris. She placed her messenger bag by her shoes and moved through the house, checking the rooms that she passed. She slid the back door open and looked around. Neither Chris nor his dogs were out there. Katy bit her lip as she closed the back door, a nagging feeling itching the back of her mind.

Chris wouldn’t have gone for a walk with the stereo on at full blast, and he never would have been able to fall asleep with it at the volume it had been at. She placed her hand on the railing of the stairs, and started to climb, hoping that she would open the door to his bathroom and have him scream like a girl because she had found him naked in the shower or the bath.

“Chris?” She called out as she reached the top of the stairs, “Chris answer me!”

Katy opened the door to his bedroom, fear clutching at her heart so strongly it made her short of breath. She opened the door to his bathroom and gasped at the sight before her.

Chris was laying face down on the floor, a half empty bottle of Jack Daniels lying on its side by his hand. She breathed a sigh of relief figuring that he had simply been drinking and passed out on the bathroom floor.

“You know Chris; most people leave the bottle behind when they go to the bathroom.” She teased as she moved over to wake him up.

Katy stopped suddenly as she noticed a small orange bottle lying empty beside the bottle of Jack. She dropped to her knees and picked it up, gasping as she read the name. She stared at Chris before rolling him over and pulling him into a sitting position.

“Chris, wake up!” She cried, shaking him violently.

Chris’s skin was pale, and his lips were a dark contrast against it. His head bobbed limply as she shook him, her tears dripping down onto his face. She lay him down gently and jumped to her feet, sliding on the floor as she tried to run out of the bathroom for the phone.

It took her a few tries before she managed to his the right number combination, “911, what’s your emergency?”

“I think my friend has tried to kill himself.”

~ * ~

Chris groaned as he opened his eyes. The light in the room wasn’t that bright, but it was bright enough to make his headache worse then it already was. He scowled at the sound of a continuous beeping sound that didn’t seem like it was stopping.

He moved to sit up and gasped at the pain shooting up his arm.

“Don’t move so fast, you’ll pull your IV out.” Came a male voice that he didn’t recognize.

Chris struggled to respond, but he couldn’t get his voice to work, “You have a breathing tube in, I’ll call one of the doctors to pull it out.”

Chris’s eyes scanned the room wildly as he struggled to remember what had happened.

“Good to see you’re awake.” A female voice said and Chris turned to look at the doctor as she entered. “Do you remember what happened?”

Chris started to shake his head when the memories of sitting in his bathroom with a bottle of Valium and a bottle of Jack Daniels flooded his mind. He nodded slowly as she started to fiddle with the breathing tube.

“Well that’s a good sign.” The doctor told him, “I’m going to pull this tube out. It’s going to feel a little strange, but you need to relax and not fight it.”

Chris coughed and tried not to throw up as the doctor pulled the breathing tube from his throat. He struggled to speak as the nurse injected a needle into his IV line, but his throat felt raw and no words would come.

“This will help you sleep; hopefully by the time you wake up, your throat will have healed a little bit.” His doctor said as his eyes grew heavy.

~ * ~

The next time Chris awoke he could feel something soft against his fingers. He curled his hand around what ever it was, and rubbed it between his fingers, trying to figure out what was on his bed.

“You better be sleeping or they won’t need drugs for you to be unconscious.” Katy’s groggy voice sounded in his ears.

Chris’s fingers immediately released her hair and she sat up and stretched. “You look like shit.” He tells her, wincing at the sound of his voice.

“I could grab a mirror and show you what you look like.” Katy told him, running a hand through her hair. “Why did you do it Chris?”

Chris looked away from her, “It doesn’t take you long to get to the point.”

Katy reached out and turned his face back so she could look him in the eye, “It never has, now explain to me why I had to phone an ambulance and wait outside in the emergency waiting room while they pumped your stomach.”

“It’s nothing.” Chris told her.

“Nothing?” Katy sobbed, “You call downing a bottle of valium and half a mickey of whiskey nothing?”

“It wasn’t a whole bottle of valium.” Chris muttered softly.

“Then how many was it?” Katy demanded, “The bottle said that there was supposed to be thirty, and there was none left.”

Chris shrugged and played with the blanket, “I lost count after eight.”

“You’re right, that’s nothing at all!” She snapped, “What in the hell made you think of doing something so selfish?”

Chris looked away again, tears stinging his eyes. He heard Katy stand up and realized she must have done it suddenly since the wooden chair she had been sitting on fell over with a loud clatter.

“Have it your way.” She said softly with a sniffle.

“There’s nothing left!” Chris said so suddenly that he almost didn’t recognize his own voice.

“What do you mean?” Katy asked without turning around.

“Look at the other guys.” Chris said, “Justin’s the hottest male vocalist of his genre, he’s been touring, soon he’ll be recording again. Then there are his movies.”

Katy rolled her eyes as she moved back to the bed, “As much as I love him, they aren’t exactly Academy Award winners.”

“What about JC?” Chris asked as she sat down on the edge of the bed. “He has two albums recorded, he’s in that movie. Even if Jive keeps fucking him over, he could still model or act. Look at how many TV shows he’s been on!

“And Joey? Even if he didn’t have the whole ‘Dancing with the Stars’ thing!” Chris said and the tears he had been fighting finally started to fall. “He has Kelly and Brianna; he could never do anything again and still be completely happy.

“Fuck even Lance has his radio station gig, not to mention all the charity work he’s been doing.”

“Chris.” Katy said softly, lying down on the bed next to him.

“What do I have?” Chris asked, “I’m almost forty and I’m single. My clothing line was a bust; my group broke up because they all wanted Justin and JC anyway!”

“That’s not true; there were plenty of people who adored you and only you.” Katy said, “What about the cartoons?”

“Fuck the God damn cartoons!”

“What about your family, the guys?” Katy asked, pulling Chris to her and holding him tightly, “What about me?”

“What do you mean?”

“How would your mom explain to your sisters that you felt like you had nothing left when you had all of them?” Katy asked, tears streaming down her face, “How can you think that you have nothing?

“If it weren’t for you Joey wouldn’t have had Brianna because he might still be working crappy jobs for Universal. Lance might be stuck in a marriage with someone that he didn’t want to be with simply because he was too afraid of what might happen if he came out.

“Justin would probably have never achieved any of his dreams, JC might have moved to LA and I might never have seen him again!”

“But, what about me?” Chris asked sadly.

“Chris, look at everything you’ve been able to do for your mom and sisters. They don’t have to ever worry about living in a car again. Sure your clothing line might have failed, but think of everything you learned from that. You could easily try again and be more successful.

“Think of all the kids that watch the cartoons you do and laugh over the voices you make!” Katy said, “If it weren’t for you, none of us would have met.”

“You make it sound like I’m so important.”

Katy pushed the hair away from his face, “You are, why do you think I come to visit you when ever I need a break from JC. You keep me sane!”

Chris smiled and let Katy hold him. When he had been sitting at home contemplating what he had left, he had never thought of any of the things that she said.

“Do you hate me now?” Chris asked softly.

“Of course not, I just hope you realize how much we would have lost if you had managed to succeed in killing yourself.” Katy told him.

“Then this would be a good time to tell you that you’re lying on my IV line.”

Katy laughed and squeezed Chris tightly. “Chris what the hell were you thinking?” Justin’s angry voice sounded minutes before the door slammed open.

“The troops have arrived.” Katy told him, sliding off the bed.

Chris caught her hand and squeezed it, “Thanks Katy.”

“Just remember this on my birthday.” She teased and stepped back to let the others see for themselves that for the first time in a long time, Chris would be okay.

Kill me
I begged and love said no
Leave me
for dead and let me go
Kill me
I cried and love said no
Kill me
I cried and love said no

*Song Lyrics: And Love Said No by HIM*