Back to You

By Mel

I roll my eyes as my best friend drags me up the steps to my parents beach home, doing my best to protest but she pulls be harder. I don’t want to be here. I have a feeling of what’s going to happen and I do my best to paste on my fake, surprised smile. We walk through the door together, and I find it a coincidence that the lights are all shut off. Maybe I was wrong, I tell myself. It’s not but three seconds later and the lights flicker on and out pops my childhood friends and nearly all of my family within a five hour radius. I knew it.

I do my best to smile, even though I hate surprises and accept the hugs and Happy Birthday wishes kindly. Okay, so maybe I’m a little surprised. It feels like forever as I go through person after person, chatting with everyone, catching up my life and there’s, reminiscing and what not. Before I know it, I’ve got a drink shoved in my hand and I don’t know even know what’s in it but it tastes fruity and if theirs alcohol in it, so be it. I can tell this is going to be a long night. 

It’s still weird being here in Maryland, the place I grew up. This place still looks the same to me, the big white shutters are still there, the wrap around porch, the dent in the side of the house that my brother and I left while playing baseball when I was nine and the smell hasn’t changed a bit. Theirs still a board walk outback that leads you directly to the ocean and its that I find myself missing the most. So many of my memories are bottled up there. Ones that I thought I left behind me but I find myself here, ironically on my twenty fifth birthday.

I’m starting to wallow in my sorrows, thinking of my life back at home in Chicago. As soon as I graduated college, I high-tailed it off to what I thought was a ‘big city’ to begin my life as a fashion designer. Things had started off slow, where I practically worked my way from the bottom up, being a professional ass kisser to make it where I was today. Don’t get me wrong, I love my job but I hate the people. Dealing with snooty, do-gooder type gets slightly draining. And then there’s always the first guy I met in Chicago, he was in the business, tall, dark and handsome, swept me off my feet and then slept with my co-worker who also happened to be my best friend. Nice right? I’m trying to get over it but it’s got me in this funk, especially on my birthday.

Coming home was the last place I had wanted to be but something told me to come, to see my childhood friends and spend some time with my family and forget about all my drama. Twenty-five was a new year right? If I was going to kick it off right, I had better start now. I stop, trying to smile as a family friend stops me, asking me a hundred and fifty-two questions about my job, about Chicago and for some reason wants to know my life story. How did I now become a hot topic? I nod along, taking another sip of my drink, and waiting for the feeling to kick in, silently hoping it has some alcohol in it. Family friend starts up a new topic, telling me all about her daughter whom I haven’t seen since I was five and I contemplate making an excuse to run to the bathroom, anything to get out of this.

I begin to bite the inside of my lip, something I do when I’m bored but I turn, feeling a soft hand meet my shoulder. I turn, eyes wide, mouth hanging open slightly and it I have to force myself to form words because standing in front of me is someone I haven’t seen in so long. Someone I thought I’d see again, half past never, someone who still made me feel the same way he did all those years ago.

“Sorry to interrupt. I had to see the Birthday girl.” He smiles, polite as ever and thankfully family friend takes the hint and excuses herself.

I’m still speechless. I set my drink on the counter next to me and cross my arms over me awkwardly. I swear I’ve just been taken back into time because Josh Chasez is standing in front of me. It’s about time I say something but I have no idea what so I blurt out the first thing that comes to my mind.

“It’s been forever.”

He nods, smiling and damn him if it still doesn’t have the same affect on me.

“It has. You’re parents invited me and I couldn’t pass this up. It’s about time I got home.”

My parents invited him? What the hell..

“It’s so good to see you, Josh.” I say, because I think I’ve been waiting forever for this moment. He tried to visit once he made it big but those times got fewer and fewer as time moved on and just like him, I grew up and got on with my life.

His arms envelope me in a hug and I’m suddenly wrapped up in the scent of him and slap me for saying that he could let go in about a hundred years. I’ve missed this. He has this way of making me feel…

He steps back, his hands moving up and down on my shoulders. His eyes still as crystal blue as ever. “It’s good to see you too. I’m sorry it’s been so long.”

I shrug, trying to act like it doesn’t hurt. “I understand. Life gets in the way. You’ve got plenty to be proud of though.”

He ducks his head, suddenly shy like he always was and shoves his hands in his pockets. “You could say the same, I hear.”

I go to respond but suddenly it gets noisy, my brothers and cousins having a rather loud discussion beside us and it takes all of my willpower not to yell. He laughs, waving to everyone as they scatter around us.

“Want to go outside or for a walk?” I suggest. We have a lot of catching up to do.

He nods, placing his hand on the small of my back as he ushers me out through the back patio, to the boardwalk that leads to the beach. I smile as the evening sun hits my face, making it’s last appearance before it gets ready to set. The waves play a soft melody and relaxes me instantly just as the sand hits my feet. This is what I love about being home. I stop, turning my head upwards and hugging my body. “I miss this so much sometimes.”

He stops with me, taking in everything. “Yeah. This is the best. It’s always overwhelming come back here.”

I laugh, turning towards him. “I know exactly what you mean.”

I finally take a moment to turn and get a good look of him as we begin to walk down the endless beach. He’s decked out in black and white plaid shorts, a black polo, flip flops and those big rock star sunglasses that probably do more for his face than he thinks. It’s funny to think that the dorky, awkward kid I used to know has turned into a preppy, gorgeous man.


He turns to me, looping his arm with mine as we walk and he pulls me against him. “Jorie…” he says, taking me out of my daze.

“Mmm?” I ask, embarrassed a little.

He smirks. “Your either staring or zoning out of me.”

I roll my eyes, scoffing. “Maybe it was a little bit of both,” I quip. “It’s been a long day.”

He nods, laughing but still doesn’t let go. Instead, he puts an arm around my shoulders and it stays there as we continue. “I can imagine. So where did we leave off? Work…”

I shrug. “Work is work. I love my job, hate the people but you’ll have that anywhere.”

He laughs. “You could say that again. I see you moved to Chicago. Good choice.”

My face does light up. “I did. I love the City.”

“Good. I’m glad. You always did have a love for places like that.”

“You’re right. So work for you? I bet you’ve got a life time to speak of.”

“I’ve been lucky.”

I stop, looking up at him. “Luck my ass. You’re all talent, Joshie. I’m just glad you figured it out in time.”

He laughs. “Me too.”

“So more music to come soon?”

He pulls me tighter against him and I hate myself for hoping this walk lasts forever. “Yes. My second solo album comes out in a few months then we’re probably touring after that.”

“Look at you go, stud!”

“I do love the work.”

I smile. I can tell.

We continue to walk, his arm still draped around my shoulders as the sun slowly sets and I realize that this right here, might make the perfect birthday. We continue our conversation, just catching up on everything since I last saw him and it’s exactly like old times. I think it was two years ago at least. He drags me over so our feet are touching the soft surf of the water. He steps back, sunglasses coming up to rest on his head and I suddenly see a mischievous look in his blue eyes.

“What are you up to, Chasez?”

He shrugs, looking innocent as he always was. “Nothing, Jorie Lee. I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

I keep an eye on him, knowing better. “Uh huh. Try another.”

“What?” He shrugs, holding his hands up in defense. “You don’t trust me?”

I give him a stern look. “Not at the moment, no.”

He looks hurt for a second, slumping his shoulders before he’s back to standing up straight, just before I see his foot move, kicking water and watching as it lands all over my lower half.

Oh no, he did not. “You’re dead, Chasez.” I glare at him, running towards him to get my revenge.

“I didn’t do anything. Must have been a wave or something.” He’s laughing, trying to move away.

I go to push him, hoping he’ll go backwards and fall into the surf, soaking his expensive clothes but I should have known better. He’s stronger than I thought.

His hands grab mine, blocking me from pushing him and before I know it, his hands are around my waist, lifting me upside down and running into the water. I shriek in surprise, shocked that he’d even try something like this and in all my anger, I realize he’s so much more carefree about stuff. He doesn’t second guess or wonder. He just does it.

“Put me down, you freak!” I yell, trying not to laugh.

“You call me a freak and want me to put you down, huh?” He dips me down, inches from getting my hair wet. “You call me a freak and want me to put you down? I don’t  know if I could do that, Jorie Lee.” he says, using my full name like he always did when we were kids.

“Josh, pleaasssssse.” I whine, gasping when my tank top comes flying up, exposing my stomach from being upside down.

He whistles, making it known that he’s seen the display. “Wow. Now if that’s what you’re using for a bribe, we might be able to work something out.”

I roll my eyes, but can’t help a small snicker. “Pervert.”

“I’m only human.” he says, hands grasping me tighter.

“Seriously. All the blood is rushing to my head. I’m going to pass out if you don’t put me up soon.”

He turns walking closer to shore and stops where the water is still covering his ankles. “Well, fine. But only if you flash me again.”

I don’t even think, I just abide by his words. “Whatever, just put me down.”

Finally, I’m being turned upwards, as I slide from his grasp, feet splashing the water. He goes to let go of me, laughing as he does so and in those few seconds, I feel myself dizzy and toppling downwards.

“Whoa there, honey.”  His strong arms catch me, bringing me firmly against him. I grasp his forearms, thankful that I didn’t get wet.

I look up and meet his gaze, and the look on his face is concerned. He’s always looked out for me. We continue to stare, for what seems like hours as I take in all of the features on his face. His cheek bones have become more defined from days of our youth, taking on a sharp, chiseled-like features, making his nose look smaller. His eyelashes seem longer, covering those blue eyes that haven’t really changed. They’ve grown soul and matured some but I know it’s the same Josh. The same one I was head over heals in love with before he left and moved to Florida to be on the Mickey mouse club. I just never got to tell him.

He’s looking back at me, intense as ever and I swear he’s going to let go of me and we’ll both fall into the water. His breath is fanning on my face and the woodsy scent of him is mixing with the smell of summer around me. This is how you define close. My heart is suddenly beating out of my control and I wonder if he can feel it, pressed against his own chest. I wonder what he’s thinking. Shit. His voice breaks my reverie.

“You.. Okay?” he asks.

“Mmhmm.” I answer, neither of us moving.

He leans forward a little, tucking a few strands of my wild hair behind my ear. I swallow, and notice my throat is dry. Time ticks by, as we continue to stare, to hold, to just feel. I see him take a deep breath, head leaning down a little just when I hear the obnoxious voice of my brother, from down the shore.

“Jorie, Josh!” He yells.

We pull away slowly, and I curse for wanting to cry from the loss of it.

I turn annoyed eyes to my brother. “What?”

“Mom and Dad want you up at the house for cake and stuff. Some people are also about to leave and would like to say goodbye.”

I groan, but nod. Apparently there is no age limit as to how long parents can annoy you. “We’ll be up in a minute.”

He nods, smiling to Josh, doing the whole hand shake, hug guy thing. Thankfully, that’s all it takes to get reacquainted as my brother turns to jog back to the house ahead of us.

“Soo..” he starts off, as we walk. “Jorie, the fashion designer.”

I laugh. “Soo,” I mock. “Josh Chasez, the rock star.”

He laughs, shaking his head at me, grabbing my hand so that I stop and look at him. “I’m still the same guy, Jorie. I may have made it big but I’m still the same guy you used to eat dirt with.”

I give him a lopsided grin. “I know you are.”

“I’m sorry we’ve lost touch. You were such a big part of my life.”

I bite my lip nervously, wondering where this is all coming from. He was such a big part of my life. He was my best friend. I loved him.

I shrug, tucking a piece of hair behind my ears and I let him off easily. “It happens.”

“Well it shouldn’t. We’ve got to try a little harder. I don’t want to lose you again.”

My eyes widen and I nod. “Okay.”

We’re in front of the boardwalk that leads to the house before he decides to strike up our conversation again, bringing up the one thing I wanted to avoid.

“So, how are things in the love department?”

I immediately tense next to him, not wanting to discuss this. “Ugh.” was my only response before my Aunt and Uncle come out to meet us on back patio. I pull away from Josh and instantly miss the warmth of him next to me.

Instead, I’m drug inside, where I’m forced to listen to my entire family and most of my childhood friends sing happy birthday to me. I could have swore that singing on birthdays stopped at age 10. I must have been wrong though. I make it through though, still grateful that everyone came out just for my birthday. I close my eyes and think hard, making a wish before flowing out the candles. I pull my hair away from my face, and as I look up, I catch Josh’s gaze on me. He instantly smiles and winks, putting my thoughts into overdrive.

Ok, so maybe I should stop complaining. I take the time to catch up with my cousins, finding out how college life was treating them. One of my older cousins actually just became a doctor and I’m completely sucked into his conversations of his medical research. It’s not long before we’re reminiscing, talking about stories of when we were younger and all of the things we used to do to get back at our brothers. I laugh, happy to remember such simpler times.

It’s not long after that my older brother, the one that’s the least annoying announces that he and my sister in law, his wife of course, are going to be having a baby. I squeal, excited to be an aunt as everyone joins in on the excitement. Time really does go by so fast. I swear, it was just yesterday that I was here, having a slumber party with my best friends as we were chasing around my brothers and their friends, Josh included, trying to find a way to hang out with them and have it not be so obvious.

Then there were moments of our constant late night swims that always ended up us sitting around in the sand, talking about what we wanted out of our futures and out of life itself. As happy as I am with my choices in life, coming home can be a heavy reality check.

I take a deep breath, accepting what seems like the millionth hug of the evening as more of my relatives leave. Just as I pull away, I see Josh sitting across the living room, legs crossed, chatting up with my mom and still eyeing me intently. I seriously start to wonder what all of this is about. I yawn, saying goodbye to the final few guests and move into the kitchen to help clean up the mess.

I’m not surprised when I see him, Josh of course, helping my mother out with putting everything away. He’s always been like that which is why all of the parents loved him. He’s genuine. He slides up next to me, bumping his hip against mine, laughter matching mine.

“Watch it, now.” I warn, but not being able to keep a straight face.

He winks at me again and damn him. This needs to stop. This flirting thing is doing things to my head, putting in thoughts that I don’t have time to contemplate. I just don’t have time to go back. “Oh I’m watchin’ it.” He whispers.

My mom looks over at me, taking the plates I had intended to put away from my hands. “I’ve got this honey. You kids go relax.”

I smile, hugging her. “Thanks for the party, mama.”

“You’re welcome. It’s good to have you home.”

Josh ignores her request and keeps cleaning things up until my mother ushers him out of the kitchen. “You want to go out for a little bit?” he asks, hands nervously in his pockets again. “We could go grab a coffee or something.”

I nod, grabbing my purse and cell phone before telling my mom and following him out of the house. It’s completely dark now and the air is a little chilly but it feels amazing. It feels like home. Josh users me to his rental SUV and it’s not long before we’re driving into town with the windows down, the summer breeze filling in our silence.

My arms resting on the center counsel of the car, and I suddenly find one of his mimicking mine beside me. It’s weird but he provides an odd sort of comfort when he’s close to me. The radio is playing softly but I don’t think I’m even paying attention to it. I’m wrapped up in my thoughts of the day, the people, the memories. I look over at him, one hand on the steering wheel as he smiles back at me, making the corners of his eyes crinkle.

Not long after that, we’re stepping into a local coffee shop, a rare locally owned place that’s open this late. He’s right behind me, hand on the small of my back. We quickly place our order before taking a seat in a U shaped booth in the back corner, secluded from the other guests. It’s quiet back here; cozy.

He’s the first to start conversation again and it doesn’t even surprise me. He’s different. I can definitely say he’s grown into an amazing man. “So, this has been a lot of fun today. I’m glad I came home.”

I nod, smiling. “Me too.”

“So are we going to finish our conversation from before?”

She looks at me skeptically just as our drinks are placed on the table, in front of us.

“I guess so, sure.”

He nods, reaching for his hot chocolate and taking a drink. “So your love life…” he urges on.

I follow suite, feeling the warm liquid slide down my throat. This stuff hasn’t changed since I was a kid. “Do we have to go to that subject?”

He shrugs, blowing on his cup. I really dread discussing this. “If you don’t want to, I guess not.”

“Well I’m sure you’ve guessed it’s not good news.” I chuckle, trying to find humor in it.

He looks apologetic. “I kind of assumed. I’m not pressing the issue. I was just curious.”

I raise an eyebrow. “Why so curious?”

“Just… wondering.” he says softly.

“It’s the same story. You fall in love and then he cheats on you with your best friend from work.” I say bluntly.

His eyes grow wide. “Damn, baby. I’m so sorry.” he whispers.

I give him a half smile, trying not to dread on the past. “You live and learn.” He nods, placing a warm hand over mine. “So what about you?”

“What about me?”

“Are you happy?” I urge.

He legs go of my hand, running it over his face. “With my career, yes. With my love life, no. I haven’t been for some time.”

“I’m sorry.” I say, sympathizing with him.

“Sometimes I wish I wouldn’t have left. I wonder what my life would have been like.” he says seriously.

“Do you think you would have been happy?”

He nods, very adamant in his reasoning’s. “I’m almost sure of it.”

“Wow. Any particular reason?” I question.

He swallows a sip of his drink again, taking time to play with the handle as if it were infatuating him. He looks up, eyes fierce on mine. “I’m pretty sure I would have ended up with someone I loved.”

I lick my suddenly dry lips, wondering where this is going. “Well then, at least you can smile when you think of the alternative.”

“I knew you liked me, Jorie. I’m sorry I left you.”

My head snaps up, wondering where this is all coming from. He knew? What in the heck. “You-- you, knew?”

He nods, face impossible to read. “I liked you too. I just didn’t think it’d make any sense to tell you I felt the same way and then be miles away, waiting for you to hold on when I didn’t know when I’d be back.”

Suddenly, I feel like the room is spinning and I’m about to fall flat on my face. I’m trying to muster up something to say. “Wow.”

He laughs a little, trying to ease the sudden tension. “I just thought it was best that I let you know.”

I look at him, confusion and questions screaming inside my head. “Why now?”

“Why not, now? Being back home made me realize a bunch of things, Jorie. I don’t want to live with regret wondering what things could have been like.”

I swallow, my mouth suddenly dry. “We both know regret serves us no purpose, JC.”

“You’re right. Are you happy?”

I look at him curiously, a little stunned by the bluntness of his question. “What do you mean?”

“Are you happy, Jorie? With life, love, you know.”

I look around, suddenly feeling like I’m on the spot with him waiting on me to confess everything. “Life is fine. Love I’ve pretty much given up on.”

“I’ve never known you to give up on anything, Jorie Lee.”

“I’m not giving up. I’m just not trying anymore.”

He laughs. “That’s the same thing as giving up.”

I roll my eyes, not in the mood to put up with a lecture right now, especially on my birthday. If anything, it’d just make  the reality of everything sink in that much harder. I go to respond, attitude on the tip of my tongue. “You know what JC, when you--.” But my reply is muted by the feel of his lips on mine.

I look up, shocked as all get out to find him sitting directly beside me, having scooted over in our small little circular booth. His eyes are as blue as I remember when we were younger but there’s something different flickering tonight. His face is still directly in front off mine, nose brushing, breath fanning across my face. “Do you really want to give up Jorie?”

I’m stunned, wondering how in the heck this happened and wondering why it took so long all at the same time. My response comes in a whisper, not having the courage to speak any louder. “No.”

He smiles before his lips brush against mine softly and I swear I can feel my heart beat out of my chest but I regain my composure, knowing that this is your best friend, the one you’ve always loved and you’re going to enjoy it. He wouldn’t hurt me. His hands come up, running through my hair and I take the opportunity to wrap my own around his neck and being this close feels foreign and familiar all at the same time. His scent once again envelopes me and it’s right now that I’m so glad I came home. We finally pull apart and I have this sudden urge to lean forward and hug him, soaking in the moment. I feel his hands once again on my back, slowly moving back and forth.

“Didn’t you say that you applied for a job in L.A.?” He asks, brushing a few strands of hair from my face.

I smile brightly, suddenly seeing the beauty in all of this. “Yeah I did but it’s not a definite deal yet.”

He winks and I can just see the wheels turning in his head. “You know, I’m looking for a designer to do the outfits for my tour and I’m pretty picky about stuff so I usually hire them myself.”

I laugh, wondering how my life just got completely altered in a matter of minutes. “Oh yeah? I don’t know if I work well with picky people.” I challenge.

He winks, something so simple but completely sexy to me and I’m starting to find it odd how the little things he does still have affect on me. “I’m sure we’d find a way to see eye to eye.”

I shiver a little, slowly caving. “I think you might be right.”

He leans forward, hugging me tightly, lips right below my ear. “I love you, Jorie. Happy Birthday, baby.”

I gather myself, tears glittering in my eyes when he pulls back. “I love you too, Josh. It’s good to be home.”

He nods, agreeing with me while his fingers brush the tears from my eyes. I guess coming home can have it’s pros. All this time I’d been doing all I could to avoid my past having locked it up for so long when in reality, home is where I needed to be and those memories were waiting to once again become my reality.