005. Taking My Life Back By The Balls.
Fuck you, Justin. Fuck you, world. Fuck you, Allen, you psycho anal retentive prick. How do you like me fucking Zack in your office, on your desk, my bare ass pressed against your stupid framed photograph of Beth?
This is me taking my life back... by the balls! If Justin kills me when I get home at least I can say that after eight months of involuntary celibacy I finally got some on the day that I died.
That dawned on me on the ride to work. I could've died three days ago, and Rodney Lewis would've been the last guy I slept with.
Ugh.
...Mmm.
Zack fucks hard but slow, reminds me of a Now and Later. My favorite flavor is red radberry. Everyone's favorite is red radberry. Everyone's fantasy is Zack.
My head slowly falls back, I'm heaving heavy puffs of breath... fuck, I'm about to come, but before my head can fall all the way back I catch his eyes. And they are Justin's eyes, so blue they are mesmerizing.
And I scream.
006. Comatose Daze.
This is my seventh cigarette. When I should've been cleaning, helping Zack close, I was sitting at Allen's desk smoking. One, two, three cigarettes until I was on my sixth, stuck in a kind of comatose daze.
I felt bad, but there isn't enough time to feel bad. I'm going to die. I should be feeling fear, panic, selfish emotions like that, not this empathetic bullshit. I even feel bad that I'm making Fed wait an unnecessary extra five minutes while I finish this cigarette.
He rolls down the passenger side window. "She wanted me to wait until the baby was born, but she finally told me. It's a girl." Smiles. "A fucking girl." Says more to himself, "Ember's having a girl."
I didn't have to wait, she called to tell me as soon as she was done with the ultrasound. "That's great." I just feel bad that I'm going to die and miss the birth, and miss the chance to be a godmother.
"It's still early, but I suggested Cassandra."
Not that it's some life-long dream of mine to be a godmother.
Ah.
Shit.
I stomp out the cig. (Stomp out my life). Get in the car. Force a smile. "That's really great Fed."
007. Oh, Shit.
I'm gnawing on my thumbnail, looking at our front door with what is probably the most deranged look, nauseous as hell. What if he shoots me as soon as I step out of the car, sniper status? I don't want Fed to watch me die.
"... Moi...?"
I gasp, startled. "Oh shit..."
"Are you okay?"
"I..." I'm seeing him for the first time, his brows furrowed over his deep hazel eyes, lip piercing protruding from his rosy colored lips. Worried. He's worried. And I'm sure Emb already knows this, but he looks cute when he's worried. "I'm... I'm..." Struggling for a good lie. "...Fine." Found it. "I... thank you." But I can't get out. My hand is on the handle, I can see the front door... only five feet away, maybe even less but I cannot get out.
"You're welcome...?" He places a hand on my shoulder. "Moi?"
I squeeze my eyes shut, tight like clenched fists. Oh, shit. Shit, shit, shit. Just get out of the fucking car.
"Goodnight."
"Good-"
The air is still warm, the windowpane smeared by my sweaty palms as I slam the door behind me, cutting him off. I inhale deeply and take a look at the moon, a sepia blob blotching the black canvas of sky, so black I'm sure I see it as purple. Colors that are dark like this, dark because they are so pure-even if the color is pink-colors that are dark like this are dangerous. Nothing should ever be... pure...
...Right?
Or is it the lurking shadow of death that's making me think this nonsense?
I blink once, slowly, inhale again. The rumble of Fed's engine comforts me a little.
I try to think straight.
Colors that are dark and pure...? Like the color of Justin's eyes? They're blue which sounds harmless enough, they're even a light shade of blue... such a pretty shade of blue, but they're purely blue, no specks of gold, specks of green that you sometimes catch in blue eyes... just cerulean blue. And I dreamt about them that night. I dreamt about cerulean blue eyes and onyx black gun barrels and purple skies... beautiful purple skies made of amethyst.
"I'm not leaving until you go inside." I turn around to see Fed through a rolled down window leaning over the armrest.
I sigh. "I'm sorry."
"What's wrong?"
I'm shaking my head because I don't want to explain, can't even begin to explain, look up over the hood of the car hoping to find the answer.
I find Justin.
008. Mo-ee.
If anyone were to ask me why I went back outside after Fed left, after seeing Justin across the street, so help me God... I wouldn't be able to tell them. I guess, I felt like I had to...? Like I'd be messing with the grand scheme of life if I didn't just let him kill me instead of putting up a fight.
I'm scared, so fucking scared even though I must admit he's not that scary without the gun. Slightly intimidating at the most. More hot than anything, the bags gone from his eyes, his skin no longer pale, simply clad in a t-shirt and jeans.
"Moi?"
He's speaking French to me. Why is he speaking French to me? Why is he speaking anything to me, why isn't he just shooting me?
"Moi... is that how you pronounce your name?"
"Moi." I'm shocked at how quickly I correct him. Lower my head, my voice. "Mo-ee." Look back up at him. "It's pronounced Moi."
Silence.
Silence?
I'm standing before the guy that robbed me at gunpoint and there's nothing but silence.
Go figure.
Author's Chapter Notes:
thank you so much to those who reviewed. that means so much to me =) i hope that more of you continue to read & review. & with that said, pls... enjoy.
Story Tags: Be the first to add a tag to this story
