What do you want from me?

This was our sixth break up for the month and I think it’s starting to take its toll on me, him I’m not too sure about. I guess he’s in it for distance and annoyance.  He’ll just do these shitty things that make me just want to ugh end it right now! Oh yeah and I have but we just keep going back to each other and that’s the worst part. We hate each other but we need each other. Now I don’t take drugs and I drink in moderation but I’m guessing we’re getting quite close to this repetitive behaviour of going clean and scoring, literally, well I guess not literally but sex is a major factor in us finding our way back to each other it’s one of the only thing that both of us are still really good at together. Is that sad? Please don’t answer that.

I can’t tell you the last time I had a good night sleep, one that didn’t involve makeup sex, obligation sex, or fighting. Those are the options I have; I hate those options and I’m starting to resent him for forcing them on me. Don’t get me wrong our relationship didn’t just happen to go wrong over night, no it took time for him to perfect that shit and I was stupid and yes, I’ll admit it a little bit delusional enough to be party to his madness. God give me strength!

“Are you even listening to me Ella?” Shouting at the top of his lungs at me he scared me into looking straight at him. To be honest I wasn’t listening. I stopped listening since he called me on my way home from the office and that was 2 hours ago; as soon as I walked through the door I knew that it was fighting night. God I hate fight night, my insides tighten as his once blue eyes go dark, how he does it I still don’t know. The closest thing to a friend that I have, Katia swears he has the devil inside him and for a small fee she could get a witch doctor to drive it out. Right now I’m inclined to take her up on that offer.

“I’m sorry-what?” I stammer.

“You have the fucking attention span of a goldfish. Do you need a fucking play by play?” Looming in front of me while I sat down he just looked at me dead in the eyes.

“I’m sorry Justin. I just don’t feel like going out tonight I have a busy day tomorrow and Jeremy is just riding my ass about the proposal.”

“I’m sure that’s not the only thing Jeremy is riding.” He spat out putting some space between us.

“Oh yeah I forgot I’m fucking Jeremy?”  I replied in a sarcastic tone. If he wanted a fight I’d give him one, at least I’d try...I’ve given up being submissive a long time ago.

“You said it not me!” He turns looking at me as though he’s just seen a piece of shit on his perfect white carpet.

“Maybe I should then! That’ll stop shit flying out your mouth!” He laughed at me but I could feel the building of his deep desire to pick me up and throw me through the large bay windows at the opposite end of the room like a javelin.

“I’m guess you already have. Shit how long was it before you dropped your panties and I fucked you?” He has that evil smile on his face and I can feel my cheeks flush as he looks at his long fingers then returns his cold stare on my frame.

“Fuck off Justin.” He knows how sensitive I am about that topic, to be fair he did a lot of chasing in those 3 weeks and I was young-23 to be exact.

“Say that again.” I’m not going to fall for that one again, he pinned me up against the wall the last time I answered one of his rhetorical questions. I look away avoiding his stare, the adrenaline is pumping and I’m starting to shiver as a side effect.

“You know how much I hate those events! Those people are all full of shit and you’re turning into one of THEM!” I fold my arms trying to control myself.

“It’s my JOB! It’s the reason why we live in this house! It’s the reason why you drive that fucking car!  You knew what you were signing up for when we started dating and you sure as hell didn’t mind it then. All of a sudden you’ve changed your fucking tune! Where the fuck do you get off being so god damn self righteous”

“Don’t put that shit on me Justin! I haven’t changed! I told you I didn’t want the fucking car! Mine was perfectly acceptable and anyway it’s not like you’re promoting any songs or movies, it’s silly. You get paid to sit in a club, what kind of job is that!”

“Oh I’m sorry Ella- that I don’t measure up to your expectations.”

“Ha mom warned me about you!”

“Ugh I swear to God Ella you just make me want to shake the shit out of you! You’re such a fucking BITCH!” He roughly covered his face with his oversized hands stretching his supple skin.

“It’s not like you haven’t tried that shit before though right!” Well I wasn’t lying he’s pretty strong for a white guy. Like I say our arguments can get pretty heated, I guess we both bring it on ourselves.

“You bring that shit up every fucking time Ella it’s starting to piss me off!” He bites his lip putting his fist into a ball.

“Look it’s not my fault you nearly threw me down the stairs!”

“I wish I did! You’re doing my fucking nut!” Slapping his fist into a Roberto Cavalli cushion I was thankful that he had at least learned his lesson the last time he tried punching the wall; let’s just say the wall won and I had the task to clear the blood marks before his mother came over for the weekend. I don’t think we’d have had a chance explaining to his mother why there was blood splattered on the wall.

“You’re a fucking asshole!” Tears threatening to spill out but I refused to let him see how much he was hurting me.

“That’s all you got Ella? You’re a fucking slut? I don’t know what I’m still doing with you!” Now that was low, I get up from the couch leaving the room before I blow my fuse but my tongue is itching.

“You’re an ass Justin! Where the hell do you get off speaking to me like that? After all the shit that WE’VE been through you’re going to treat me like this? Do you know what! Fuck you- I’m through!”

He starts laughing, knowing that he’s gotten under my skin again. I promised myself the last time that I wouldn’t let him get to me, but like many other promises, like waiting for Mr. Right and going to Mass this one falls by the way side. Licking his lips he starts speaking. “The thing that pisses me off Ella is that you know I need you there at these events, you know that we’d be there 2 hours tops but you can’t do this one thing I ask from you. You’re so fucking selfish!”

“I’m selfish? Do you think I like seeing my boyfriend gyrating on the dance floor with slutty women all over him? Or walking into the office and having magazine after trashy magazine telling me who you supposedly went home with on Monday night.” I can see him starting to soften he doesn’t look as tense anymore. He knows that throwing those rumours in my face gets to me.

“I wouldn’t have to be dancing with them if you came. And you know I’ve never slept with any of those women.” He reaches for me but I don’t want to be touched, not right now.

“Do I Justin? You’re gone for days on end you come home drunk and most times you can’t even remember the correct version of the truth to tell me.”

“I’ve never lied to you Ella and I haven’t cheated on you, except that time I told you about.”

“Yeah and what’s stopping you from doing it again? You know this is too much. You make me look like a fool when your pictures are sprawled over every news stand grabbing on random girls.” I’m beginning to break again.

“Whatever, I’m out. I can’t fore you to believe me that I won’t cheat on you again just like I can’t trust you with Jeremy. All I know is I’m already late Mason will be here any minute now.” The room was silent the only noise was made by him fixing himself a scotch on the rocks and then returned to the seat at the opposite end of the room staring at me, yet nursing his drink in his right hand. At that moment I would give anything to read his mind, or at least get answers to why or even where this relationship went wrong.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So much for 2 hours, Justin rolled into bed a mere 6 hours later, 2 o’clock. Well at least he came back home this time I should be counting my blessings. I know what he’s expecting it’s kind of hard not to know when we’ve formed this unhealthy pattern. He gets drunk he comes home we fuck in between he says sorry and its morning. I’m not in the mood to facilitate this pattern tonight maybe if I pretend to sleep he’ll just collapse. Dear God please let him be too drunk to function please I promise I won’t swear for a week, I’ll go to confession. I’ll go to the soup kitchen with my saintly sister. I’ll do anything! Though I somehow think I lost the privilege for God to hear my prayers when I had asked Sister Danielle’s why God invented dicks...oops I knew I shouldn’t have done that even then, but the look on her face was priceless.

“I know you’re not sleeping Ella.” He slurred every word about to start a fire with his hot breath. Even a drunk Justin knows me better than that. I brace myself for the events about to take place.

“You’re home.” I say in a non committal tone and he laughs running his fingers through my still curly hair.

“You say that like it’s a bad thing.” Rolling on top of me he balances his weight so I’m not being squashed. Sometimes he likes to just lie there and listen to my heart beat, but that’s only when we’re getting along, that’s not going to be tonight; at least I don’t think so. I can feel he is already rearing to go, his eyes burn mine as he pulls down my sweat pants and underwear in one swift move. Yup Victoria Secret has long been replaced with grey sweat pants but that doesn’t ever seem to stop him.

“You know I love it when you’re home Justin.” I relax a little as he relieves some of the weight on me whilst taking off his pants probing his long finger inside me to test my levels.

“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to say those things to you. It’s just me stressing over the album and not seeing you at the studio.” He whispers realising that I was somewhat ready and guides his member deeper inside me hitting my sweet spot which only causes a small moan to slip from my lip. He smiles at how easy I melt into him.

“Why do we do this to each other J?” I struggle to get the words out as he brushes a few strands off my forehead.

“Shh just focus on what I’m about to do to you.” Thank God for not answering my prayers.

“You haven’t started yet- damn.” He pulls out completely knowing that it’d torture me, his punishment for my pathetic attempt of a joke.

“Woman let me do this!” Wrapping my legs around his waist I use it to guide him back to my centre and this time he lets out a deep grunt returning most of his weight on me. His eyes soften and at that moment I see the Justin I fell in love with. His hands move from my hips gathering my black tank top revealing my tribal tattoo of on my pelvic bone that gets him hot every time. A small smile curves his lips as he pulls my tank top up further and over my head tossing it on the floor. I follow suit and now both our shirts seem to be keeping each other company too.

“Don’t you dare Justin!” I see that familiar mischievous grin and I know what he’s about to do. He pulls out again checking the ‘atmosphere’ with his finger.

“Oh shit baby you know I’m about to blow and I’m no where near finished.” Gosh he is such an idiot.

“Baby you’re drunk.” There are 2 kinds of Justin when he’s drunk; happy drunk and aggressive drunk I’m thankful it was happy Justin this time.

 “Shit baby that feels so good.” He starts thrusting deeper and I wince as he goes further, and deeper ploughing the very core of me whilst our hip bones nudge each other. Even after 2 years together I have yet to adjust to his size. I think he notices as he changes the amount of pressure he places on my pelvis.

“Just do it.” He laughs putting everything he has into me and at that moment I swear I don’t know whether to cry out in pain or scream out in pure bliss as he pumps harder and faster into me.

“I can’t leave this alone, you’re like oh shit.” I can tell he’s holding his release until mine as he’s biting his lip trying to focus on anything and everything apart from the sensation we’re giving each other.

“Come for me Jus.” I whisper meeting his thrust.

“No you first.” Even when we’re having sex he’s stubborn. This time he breaks the syncopated rhythm and stays for a few seconds that’s all I need as my muscles contract and electricity shoots from the tip of my feet to the top my head.

“That a girl.” And he lets go filling me to the brim. He waits a few seconds and with one last thrust we hit another wave.

It’s over.

 Still out of breath our heart rates slowing down, we separate from each other, his back now turned to me and all I feel now is empty and alone.

“You want to take the first shower of shall I?” He mumbles not even looking at me while he speaks.

“Um you go first I know how tired you are.” I reply feeling dirty, cheap and used. How could we have done something so passionate mere minutes ago and yet feel nothing for each other now? Rolling off the bed he gives me the mandatory after sex kiss, mumbles something I have a hard time deciphering and walks into the bathroom. I wait to hear the hot water tap turn on and then the shower before wrapping myself in the spread and sneak into the bathroom for a tablet. Hey you can never be too safe right? Even though I’m on the injection I don’t foresee Justin and I having children together.

“Baby is that you?” Who else would it be the Boogie man? He peeks through the glass bricks wall stopping the water escaping from our powerful, over priced shower and watches me open the medicine cabinet to pop a morning after pill from the foil packet.

“Being safe again huh?” He returns his attention to the heavy spray beating down on his chiselled body. I hate when he asks questions he already knows the answer to.

“Neither of us wants a baby Justin.”

“That’s not true.” I’m about to have a heart attack, we barely speak to each other he can’t be serious about having a baby. He turns off the shower wraps himself in a towel and meets me by the cabinet. I’m still shocked and the pill hasn’t moved any further from my hand. Kissing my cheek he rubs my empty stomach.

“We aren’t getting any younger Ella.”

“We aren’t getting along either Justin.” I don’t think he expected that as his entire body immediately tenses.

“I said I was sorry for Christ sake what else do you want me to do?”

“I want to go back to the way things were before, when we couldn’t stand being away from each. I want us to be able to look at each other after we’ve made love.”

“Ella we do all those things! I just have a lot of things on my mind! Do you know what, just take the pill already you always get what you want.” Picking up a bottle of water from the fridge at the other end of the bathroom he slams the bottle at my side. “Do it then!”

Was Justin guilt tripping me into having his child? I’m not ready for a baby WE aren’t ready for a baby. I’ll blame his sudden interest of being a father on being inebriated. I take a deep breath throwing the capsule in my mouth and took a swig of water. He shook his head and walked out the bathroom. Dropping the sheet on the floor I jump into the shower to take my mind off of the next eventful fight I’m assuming will emerge from me take the pill.

I creep into bed noticing that Justin has already replaced the sheets; he’s so neat it’s actually scary. His back is still turned to me and I’m guessing he’ll be angry for the rest of the night.

“Night.” I refused to respond after he made me feel so small in the bathroom. “Aren’t you talking to me anymore?”

“This is getting old Justin. Neither of us wants to compromise. You don’t want me anymore.” I can’t look at him... it’s getting harder to be in the same room as him sometime, this cannot be healthy.

“You know I want you.” He coos; I’m sure he’s taken a happy pill because this isn’t the same Justin shouting at me in the bathroom.

“Wanting to fuck me and want me are two different things Justin. I’ve given up hoping this is going to work out. It’s too confusing.”

“But we’re good together. No one fucks you like I do.” I pause he is right about that-but no I have to stay strong.

“Not when you treat me like this Justin. Not when all we do is fight and fuck.”

“How do I treat Ella?” Is he blind? He whines turning to face me.

“You weren’t like this before I keep hoping that you’ll turn back into that Justin. The guy that had to hold my hand when we were walking, that wanted to spend time with me when you’re not on tour. The guy that ended every conversation with ‘I love you’ because you were afraid something would happen if you didn’t. I’m done Justin we want different things.”

“What do you want Ella?” Pulling me closer to his chest he rubs my back trailing down to my butt.

“I want all of you.” I pout creasing my forehead.

“I’m already yours.”  He whispers and with those 3 words he breaks me, and he knows he has by the smile on his face. Kissing my forehead he inhales the jasmine fragrance of my shampoo like he did when we first started dating and I’m his again. I fall for his concern and his warm embraces as we drift to sleep, praying that this time it will be different.

Please let it be different.