You Get Me Through
Chapter 10.
I bring my hand up, resting it against my forehead before running it through the strands of my hair, trying to focus on the documents in front of me.
Coming to work today was truly pointless. I don’t know what I was thinking accepting someones desperate plea to come help them meet this deadline. I think a part of me was looking for an easy way out, to get some time away from Justin to think but clearly that’s not happening today.
I let out a sigh of frustration, clicking the pen in my left hand for the hundredth time in the last ten minutes and it’s definitely doing nothing to help me focus.
Thoughts of last night are still running through my head non-stop, reminding me of what Justin and I did, of the line we finally crossed and now here I sit gazing aimlessly out my window of a bustling downtown Los Angles, trying to find out how in the hell to move forward from here on out.
The night had gone nowhere near what I expected, his mood practically normal other then the obvious flustered expressions that had been taking up his handsome face for the last few days. It gave away the fact that I knew something was on his mind. I just had no idea that thing, was me.
We’d always been so open and honest with each other that I figured he’d come right to me and tell me he was feeling something other than friendship but then something deep down wonders if I was just a convenient person to rebound the loss of not having a girlfriend. The other rational part of me knows Justin a hell of a lot better than that, or at least I’d like to think I do.
I want to tell myself that I’d be the last person he’d use- physically or emotionally. Something deep down still holds on to every single touch, every glance, every kiss we shared last night, knowing full well it meant something to him too. This morning flashes back in my mind and it’s almost as I can still feel him and smell him all around me as the sun crept through his bedroom. His kisses were welcomed as they kept me from thinking about the reality of it all, just wanting him to make me mindless with the sensation of his lips against my own. The look in his blue eyes still held something full of wonder and I could tell it was only moments before he’d set them free.
I knew if I were honest with myself that I’d admit that I was nervous as hell to know what he had to say, the other part of me the slightest bit hopeful as I tried to sort out the millions of thoughts running through my own mind.
And as if there was a higher power watching over me, my cell phone continued to ring, saving me from the truth, saving me from the truth of everything and bringing me to my current state of despair.
I’ve been really closed off for most of the day, trying to make an attempt to get things done so they did meet the deadline but it seemed the more I tried to work, to actually focus, the more my thoughts scattered...to a particular man with blue eyes, a voice made to break your heart and the softest lips that I’d just felt against my own a few short hours before.
The look on his face, the stance of his shirtless body sitting at the island, coffee clutched to his hand is still burned in my memory and probably will be for some time to come. I honestly didn’t know what to say to him before I left but I never expected the thick command of his voice to bring me back to him. I figured maybe he just had to ‘get me out of his system’ and that would be that.
I can still remember the tremble in my legs, the urge to pretend I didn’t hear him but like a moth to a flame, I turned around, eyes focused on his, the hurt, the confusion evident on his face, as my heart broke and I knew way down deep that this was what I wanted. I was sure of it as I slid my hands up his warm chest watching as his skin became alive with goosebumps and I felt the thud of his heart against my palm.
I can still remember him asking, so sure and hurt at the same time to kiss him goodbye and there was nothing more I wanted to do then just that. I wanted to say screw the confusion, to call into the office and tell them I wouldn’t be coming in today. I wanted nothing more then to drag Justin back up-stairs and finished what he had started this morning. I wanted to bask in the after sex glow of falling for my best friend knowing everything would be okay but dammit, I didn’t.
Things were just a little more damn complicated than that, especially when I was dealing with my best friend who just happened to be Justin Timberlake.
I close my eyes, running a hand over my face for no reason, begging my mind to shut up, if only for a moment.
I try to think of all the directions this could go in but I know when it comes down to it, I’m scared of getting hurt. Yes, me mature Caroline who can always hold it together for other people but never for myself. I think it’d kill me if anything ever came between Justin and I and while I know deep in my heart that I love him, I’d rather have him by my side as just a friend than lose him as a lover.
That’s just something I don’t think I could ever recover from.
I don’t know what I was thinking, telling myself that moving in with him was a good idea even if it was only temporary. That one day this wouldn’t eventually happen. I feel as though within the last few months, every touch, glance, randomly delivered kiss, and skip in my heart was leading up to last night. I just wasn’t prepared for it. I always told myself that this was just the way Justin and I were together, that we had a really close bond to one another but maybe it was just a way to cover up what we both felt. Both? Or was it just me or him? Hell, I don’t even know anymore.
I think of the possibility of how on earth him and I could even come close to working, with him being gone constantly, that there was no way I could just continue to follow him all over like a lost little puppy. After all, I have a home in Memphis, a job that was of course mobile, yes but it had been a long time coming that I put down some roots and started acting my age. Best friend or not, I couldn’t just keep following him around wherever he went.
I’ve witnessed the insanity of his career all the way from the get go. From the maniac schedules to the lack of privacy and the stress of it all packed into one big cluster of crazy. I’ve dealt with the distance plenty of times but it’d be different I think if we were in a committed relationship. It would be odd to have a right to miss him and not just have to push away the thoughts like I always have. That nagging little thought of wonder...
But deep down, when I push the truth of his career to the wayside, he’s still the same old Justin I’ve always known. He’s still the frizzy-haired boy who always loved to sing when we were younger, who would always do his best to cheer me up, and who never once turned his back on me. At the end of the day, he’s still just my Justin and because of that, it makes me so proud to see the man that he’s become.
I remember back when we were younger that our mothers used to joke around and say how one day we’d wake up and realize what was right in front of us but I never understood what they meant until right now and that scares me to death. The only thing that comes to my mind is that if this thing (whatever it may be) goes wrong with Justin, I’d lose everything we’ve built. A life long of friendship, long talks, of tears, laughter, memories, traveling, heartbreaks, triumphs.. and I could go on forever. In the end, it’d just kill me to lose him even if we remained friends. I know that not all of the pieces would remain.
But then I think back to this morning, to the feel of his lips on mine, his husky voice whispered against my skin and the butterflies that quickly return to the pit of my stomach and know deep down a part of me wants to at least give this ‘thing’ a try...or at least I think I do.
I’m brought out of my reverie as I hear the phone on my desk beep and I quickly pick it up.
“Hello?”
“Line one is for you, Caroline.”
“Thank you.” I respond before hitting line one on the phone console.
“Caroline speaking.”
“Hey you.” I hear on the line, the voice soft and slightly husky and my stomach drops from my body.
“Hey.”
“You must be busy. I tried your cell phone a few times.”
He’s been calling me at work? I curse myself, remembering that I threw it in there when I got here this morning and have had yet to fish it out of the black hole.
“I um, I left it in my purse. Sorry.”
“It’s okay. How’s work going?”
I close my eyes, even though he can’t see me and take a deep breath trying to find the right words other than ‘a mental nightmare.’
“It’s okay. Not really getting a lot accomplished.” Shit, I hope I didn’t say too much. I really don’t want to get into deep conversation at work.
“Are you alright?” He questions, his voice low enough to make me melt into a puddle. Just hearing that tone reminds me that we’ve crossed the ‘best friends’ line. He’s speaking to me on a different level now.
“Yeah. Just thinking.. about things.”
“Have you had a lunch break yet?”
“No.” Lunch was the furthest thing on my mind today.
“Do you have time to get away for a little bit? You know.. grab some lunch and maybe, talk?”
I swallow thickly, my mouth suddenly dry and I try to ignore the little skip my heart does, moving all the way down to my stomach.
“Yeah, I can get away for a little bit.”
“Okay. I can be there in like fifteen minutes. Is that okay?” He says and I can here some rustling of papers in the background.
“Yeah, I’ll be here.”
“Alright. I’ll see you in a few.”
“Okay, bye Justin.” I say ready to hang the phone up before his voice meets my ears once again, this time even lower, more husky.
“I love you, Caroline.”
My heart stops for a second, biting my lip to stop the small gasp from escaping. He’s told me this plenty of times but never like this. Never with this seductive and sure tone. I mentally curse myself as I stumble on my own words.
“I- I love you too.”
“See you in a bit.” He says before the line goes dead. I hang the phone up, trying to push down these feelings, these butterflies that I’ve never taken the time to acknowledge before last night. He’s my best friend. How in the hell did it get this far?
**
Justin chose a little cafe that he goes to often that happens to be not far from work. The ride here was quick but I couldn’t miss the sincerity in my eyes when he looked at me, the way his hands would brush any part of me they could as we moved. Then there was the soft kiss he brushed against my temple when he first met me at work and the woodsy scent of him that took over my senses with having him so close to me. Don’t get me wrong, he’s always been a gentleman, but this is different. His caresses are saying so much more than friendship. Maybe I was over thinking his intentions..
If that wasn’t enough, the casual way he’s dressed is enough to steal my breathe directly from my lungs. He’s wearing baggy cargo shorts, a light blue t-shirt that makes his eyes stand out even more and his feet are covered with nothing but a leather pair of flip flops. His gorgeous face shows just the slightest bit of texture, telling me he hasn’t shaved today as the memory of my hand pressed against his cheek this morning flashes back to me.
We’re tucked back in the corner and I say a silent thank you to the brunette who sat us back here. The last thing I want is the world to hear our... well whatever is going on here.
“So..” He says, his voice trailing off.
I look up, tucking my hair behind my ear as I fiddle with the straw in my ice water.
“So..” I mimic him, knowing I’m not brave enough to be the one to start this conversation. A part of me feels like I’m going to be sick.
“I got a call this morning about that movie I was telling you about a few months ago.”
My eyes widen, surprised and thankful at the same time that this is where the conversations going.
“Oh yeah?”
He licks his lips, smiling a little bit as his hands are folded together, elbows leaning slightly on the table.
“Yeah. It’s just a small roll but uh, they want me to go to New York to do it.”
“That’s great, Justin! You’re going to take it right?”
“I want to.” He says, his voice confident and I can see he’s really excited about this. Acting has always been something he’s really wanted to do. “I just wanted to know what you thought?”
I smile brightly at him, a little surprised he’s thinking of me before making his decision.
“I think you should do it. You’ve always wanted to act more.”
“I um,-” He trails off, hand moving up to scratch at his ear timidly. “I’d be gone for about two weeks and they want me to leave as soon as possible because they’re already filming.”
A small part of my heart drops, thinking of being alone in his big house but then I tell myself to be rational. I’m a grown woman for Pete sake. Or is it the fact I’ll be sleeping alone that's gnawing in the pit of my stomach?
“I’ll be fine, Justin...” I say before I even really think about it.
“Will you, Caroline?”
I swallow thickly, the way he asks this causing my heart to beat rapidly against my chest. The way he’s looking into my eyes. I try to choose my words carefully.
“Yeah, I’ve got work to keep me busy.” I say softly, looking anywhere but his eyes.
He nods, bowing his head a little before his hand falls onto the table dangerously close to mine.
“About last night,-”
I interject before he can continue, a practiced defence mechanism.
“You don’t have to explain yourself.”
Instantly I hate myself the second the words leave my lips as I watch his face fall and I feel his fingers caress mine, where it lies on the table.
“Explain myself? Last night wasn’t just some excuse for a lay, Caroline.” He defends fiercely and it still hurts me to look at him. “Is that all you think it was?”
His voice has gotten softer by now and I’m trying so hard to ignore the thudding of my heart, ready to beat out of my chest.
I feel my hand being lifted in his, his long fingers lacing through mine as his warm lips come into contact with my knuckles.
“Babe, I thought you knew me better than that...” He says, looking at me brokenly.
I look back at him, silently willing myself not to get emotional.
“I do.” I say, trying to sound calm.
He leans across the small table, keeping hold of my hand as the other one comes up to brush against my cheek, forcing me to look into his blue eyes.
“Then you would already know that last night never would have happened if I didn’t feel something more for you.”
“You do?” I question dumbly, needing to hear it from him before I let myself get into this any further.
“Yes, Carebear. I’m sorry it had to happen this way but it did.”
My hand comes up to cover his as a tear finally escapes the corner of my eye and as I reach up to brush it away his thumb is already there against my skin. The way he’s saying all of this, like it’s all so easy. Apparently I’m the only one thinking rationally.
“I just hope you’ll accept that I’m.. confused about all of this. I’m going to need some time.”
He nods, his hand dropping from my cheek but still staying close to mine on the table and I can clearly see the small pang of hurt on his handsome face before he whispers.
“Don’t shut me out, babe. Whatever you do, please don’t push me away.”
I nod, thanking my lucky stars as our waitress comes over just in time with our food, saving me from any further conversation at the moment.
**
We’re standing out in the lobby of my office, Justin’s hands tucked in the pockets of his pants, looking around almost lost and I can say that this has to be the most unclear and awkward moment I’ve ever spent with him in all the years of our friendship.
I don’t know what to say, where to turn, silently resisting the urge to close the distance between is and kiss the breath out of him.
I cough lightly, trying to break the silence. “So you have a flight yet?”
He shrugs. “I’ll probably leave sometime tomorrow. I’ve gotta go home and pack.”
I nod my heart already quenching at the thought of him not being around but I try to tell myself that this will be good for me. Give me time to think. Some Justin-free living.
“Okay. I better get back to work.”
He nods, leaning forward and placing chaste kiss on my cheek.
“See ya.” He says vaguely before walking away and the horrible feeling I’m left with is enough to be make me want to crawl in a hole and die.
I know how he gets, how relationships are always a serious matter to him and how hard on himself he is. Shit, it’s about ten times worse when it finally sinks in that I’M the one making him feel like this.
Still.. it doesn’t calm my doubts. I need to bury myself in work or something because going back and forth with this is not something I want to continue doing for the rest of the day. I’ve got to get it together.
**
Tap, tap, tap... an hour and eighteen minutes later, again with this damn pen.
Once again, I don’t know what I was thinking coming back here and who I thought I was kidding telling myself I’d be able to work. Yeah right! My mind is still filled with thoughts of Justin, the feel of his skin against mine, the woodsy scent that belongs to him and only him but most of all, the pained look on his face when he left me after lunch.
If last night hadn’t have happened, I wouldn’t have hesitated to get out of work as quickly as I could to go home and help him pack and soak up all the time I could with him before he left. But no.. instead I’m sitting here dealing with a mental war between myself doing my best to ignore this whole situation, ignore anything that has to do with him.
Finally sick of this, I toss my pen on my desk, reaching for my purse and keys making a quick exit from this damn excuse for an escape.
I need to get out of here.
There are plenty of people in LA I know that I could go visit but I let my heart do the driving as I cross the parking garage and make my way into the car.
The drive feels like forever as I stop at the tenth red light before finally meeting my destination and shutting the car off and getting out. I take a deep breath, shutting off my nerves and worries for once and listening to the soft words in my heart.
Coming in through the garage, I kick my heels off by the door, wiggling my feet happily and tossing my purse and keys on the foyer table. I traipse through the house which is surprisingly pretty silent. Making my way up the stairs, I come to the open door towards the end of the hallway and bite my lip nervously.
His large suitcase is open on his bed and partially filled as he stands in front of it, barefoot, folding a pile of clothes. He looks at me wide eyed, not expecting me till much later tonight and I don’t know if surprise is a good thing or not.
I don’t give him a chance to talk, walking up to him as he turns to me, and I push away all the thoughts from my mind, all the worry, the uncertainties, and I listen to my heart, if only for this moment.
My hands slide up his chest, happy to just feel the thud of his heart beat against my palms before I wrap them around his neck, my forehead leaning against his.
“I’m sorry.” I whisper knowing that even if I can’t say anything else, this is what needs to be said most of all.
“It’s alright.” He says, his voice equally soft like mine as I feel his hands rest on my sides moving up and down slowly, sending a shiver through me.
Taking a deep breath, I allow myself to do what I’ve wanted to do all day, all through lunch and several times during our friendship.
Leaning in slightly, I brush my lips against his, as the air is instantly stolen from my lungs. He reciprocates quickly but I take control, my fingers tangling in the curls at the base of his neck as I set the pace with confidence. I take my time, tasting, brushing, licking, getting lost in the taste of him all over again. The soft hum I feel against my lips lets me know that for once we’re on the same page.
For once in my life, I think I just might know what I want.
