You Get Me Through

Chapter 11

My eyes are heavy as I lean back against the seat, glancing out of the window of the plane and watching the clouds roll by. A part of my heart can’t help but push out the feeling of void, something that began the moment I stepped out of the car early this morning and kissed Caroline goodbye.

I finally give in to the heavy feeling, my lashes fanning against my face as I close my eyes to shut out the rest of the world. Sleep will do the trick right? I highly doubt it. While I’m ecstatic to be doing my first big movie, and or at least have a roll in it, I can’t help but think who I’m leaving behind and all the things that are yet still up in the air.

There’s on thing for sure though and that’s the mere fact that I feel like I’m slowly falling for my best friend.

Yesterday morning was awkward as hell. Watching her walk out of my house after we’d made love then to feel the sudden distance from her all through lunch, through every touch to the point where I could read the hesitation all over her face. I’m still not a hundred percent sure of what’s going on in her mind. For all I know, she could simply be testing out the waters. A part of me still asks myself if I’m even good enough for her.

But all  that uncertainty seemed to fall by the wayside the moment she came home early from work. I swear everything in my world stopped and it reminded me exactly why I love Caroline so damn much.

My mind is flooded back to just a few short hours ago, to yesterday. I was packing, preparing to leave and let this thing with us just work itself out, convinced that it would all be too much and Caroline just wasn’t ready to see where it could go.. or maybe that I wasn’t what she wanted. That was until she came home early from work, walking into the bedroom with her eyes so fierce, so determined, so full of guilt and sorry.  I can still remember the knot in my stomach, wondering if she was going to let me know she was giving up but that didn’t seem to be the case.

Her green eyes watered as she apologized- and for what I’m still not sure but the kiss that followed seemed to push all my thoughts under the rug. That kiss meant everything to me. In fact, it gave me some hope and something to hold on to.

**
“I’m sorry.” She says softly, almost as whisper.

My mind is jarred, wondering if this is going to be the end of us but I’m weak and I know I want the woman standing in front of me.

“It’s alright.” I say, my voice soft but unsure. I just want to know why she’s home early, why she’s standing in front of me and how long it will be until I can kiss her again.

My mind doesn’t wonder much longer as I feel her hands inch up my chest, before they tangle in my hair and not a beat later, her lips are softly grazing mine. The air is quickly taken from my lungs and it’s all I can do to remain up words.

I kiss her back, my lips trying to take control but she quickly lets me know that she’s in charge right now and all I can do is simply sit back and enjoy the ride. My hands go to her hips, wanting her as close to me as I can possibly get.

Her lips take on a mind of their one, going back and forth from a soft brush to a deeper caress. When I feel her tongue graze the seam of my lips, my hands instantly go to her face, holding her to taste her completely. The scent of her is once again all around me and I can’t help but feel whole by it. I can’t help but to keep asking myself why I didn’t see any of this sooner, or why I pushed it aside for so long. Feeling romantic things for your best friend happens to everyone right?  I quickly forget about it, as I feel her tongue brush against mine softly, as a moan escapes my lips. I shiver as I feel her nails scrape gently across my scalp and I know Caroline knows exactly what that does to me.

I pull her blouse from her skirt, desperate for the feel of her skin against my own. My thumbs skim against her hip bones once I get it free as she takes a step back, both of us panting. Her face instantly goes into my shoulder, breathing slowly as my hands move to the small of her back, moving in slow circles.

“You’re home early, Carebear.” I voice, not wanting to ask exactly what this is about.

“I just wanted to spend some time with you until you left.”  She says, her voice muffled against my neck.

“Yeah?”  I ask, my voice unsteady and unsure as I swallow the lump in my throat.

“Yeah. Is that okay?”

I pull back, softly forcing her to look at me, as my blue eyes crash into uncertain blue ones.

“I can’t think of any other person I’d rather be with.”

The shy smile that creeps upon her kiss swollen lips sends that deep thud back to the center of my chest and I can’t prevent it as I lean forward, kissing her softly once again, desperate for the taste of her.

“I need to go change out of these clothes real quick.”  She says, pulling back and turning to the door.

“I can help you with that,” I voice, memories of previous events flooding my memory. “You can um, you can grab a t-shirt and some shorts or something from my closet.”  

She turns back to me, her hand reaching for mine as I take the opportunity to slide my fingers through hers, mentally noting how well they fit together. She pulls me in across the bedroom to my closet, reaching for a light blue t-shirt stacked on top of one of the dressers. Her nimble fingers reach for the buttons of her blouse but I push them away, replacing them with my own.

I can feel her eyes burn into mine and as I look up, I see something in her eyes I haven’t seen before but I don’t know the right words to define it. My hands push the shirt from her body as it falls to the floor and I can’t stop my fingers as they graze her shoulders, to the side of her ribs, to the dips of her abdomen. She shivers slightly as I reach up to unclasp her bra, watching as it falls with her shirt. Her arms come up, shielding her body from me and I quickly reach for them, pulling them away.

“You’re beautiful.” I say, leaning in and brushing a kiss across her shoulder, slowly dotting her skin until I reach her lips.

I smile as she shivers again, her hand going to rest on the side of my face and I take my time, drinking her in slowly, mesmerized by each inch of exposed skin. It’s all so new to me, yet so familiar. I reach for the t-shirt, watching as she holds her arms out, allowing me to slide it over her frame, smiling as I watch it come down to the top of her thighs. My hands reach for her hair, carefully pulling it out, running my fingers through it gently. I watch as she reaches behind her for the zipper of her skirt and it quickly pools at her feet and she steps out of it.

I expect her to search for a pair of shorts but instead, she takes half a step closer, her arms wrapping around my waist, cheek resting against the strong thud of my heart as my arms instinctively come around her.

“Do you need to finish packing?”  She asks, bringing me out of my reverie.

“I was just about done when you got home.”

“Okay. Are you hungry?”

I laugh slightly, seeing her try to fill the void between us.

“We just ate lunch a few hours ago, babe. Why don’t we just chill out?”

I watch as she bites her lip in indecision. “Alright.”

She trails me back into the bedroom as I quickly finish stuffing the last pile of clothes into my massive suitcase before zipping it up and moving it over to by the door.

“Come here.” I say, as she pads the short distance to me, coming underneath the outstretched arm I’m holding out for her.

I walk to the bed, pulling her down with me as I prop my head up on the pillows, her head going to rest against my chest, my fingers going back to run through the strands of her hair as she hums softly. I smile, content to just hold her as silence takes over the room. Neither of us speak for what seems like forever until I break the quiet.

“You awake?”

“Mmmhmm. Just enjoying the moment.”  She says easily.

“Do you want to talk?”  I voice, holding my breath.

She looks up at me slightly from her place on my chest.

“I don’t know if I have the right words, Just.”

“They don’t have to be the right words, Carebear. Sometimes all that matters is that you say something.”

I hear her sigh and feel it graze my arm.

“I’m scared.”

This sounds a little foreign coming from my best friend. She’s one of the most strongest people I know, inside and out.

“Of?”

She sits up, tucking her legs beneath her as she looks down, tucking her hair behind her ear nervously.

“Of us Justin.”

I reach for her hand, lacing our fingers together once again.

“It’s okay to be scared but don’t you think we at least deserve a chance? At least to try?”

“I guess so.” She voices hesitantly.

“Caroline, I need to know that this isn’t just me feeling all of this. I need to know that I’m not dragging you along here.”

Her eyes widen and her next move catches me off guard a little as she crawls into my lap, her legs splayed out on each side, as her forehead comes to rest against mine.

“No Justin, your not the only one feeling this. Your just better at voicing it. I love you more than words can say but I’m wondering if risking this is worth losing everything we’ve built.”

The knot in my throat returns and I’m slowly starting to understand.

I reach up, looking her in the eye, trying to wash away all the fear, the uncertainties, the doubt, as I kiss each of her eyes.

“Can you do me a favor then?” I ask, feeling as though everything is being ripped from under my feet. At her nod, I take a deep breath before continuing. “Can you please give us a try? Just give us a chance Carebear, for me, please. I love you too much to not give us a try.”

I didn’t even realize how shaky my voice had come out until those last few words. I hold my breath, waiting for her to reply.

I feel the firm press of soft lips against mine as I lean forward, my own moving slowly with hers. When she pulls apart, I see blue eyes glassed over with tears.

“Yes Justin. If I was going to risk it all and give this a chance for anyone, it’d be you and you’re right. I owe this to you, to us.”

I can’t stop myself as I kiss her once again, this time all the fear, the worry, the love coming out and pouring into the kiss. I keep it soft but strong as our lips tease and nip at one another, tongues brushing and tasting, feeling the sparks shoot through me from head to toe. My hands creep up under her shirt, caressing the skin of her back and sides, desperate for the feel of her skin against my own. It’s not long before I feel her own fingers inching the fabric of my t-shirt up, tearing her lips from mine to pull it off my head.

I slide down the bed, laying flat on my back as she follows me, laying easily at my side, tucking against my body. Her forehead comes to rest against mine once again, her breath fanning across my face as she leans in smoothly for another kiss like she’s been doing this for a long time. Her hands trace my chest, my sides, my back, before they lock themselves around my neck, holding us closer together.

It’s then that I know that this has nothing to do with sex and everything to do with taking things between us slow. She’s walking on uncharted territory and willing to give us a chance and for that I’ll have to give her the best of my heart in return.

I can’t screw this up. I won’t. I love her too much to throw it all away. Everything we’ve built is on the line for something as silly as love. Deep down, I know she’s worth it. I wouldn’t be here today if it weren't for her. From here on out it’s my job to give her my heart and in return hope she’ll do the same for me.

Placing one more kiss on her lips, her head resumes it’s place on my chest, her ear against the thud of my heart, as my arms go around her, holding her against me, as I begin to dread the fact that I have to leave tomorrow.

I close my eyes, trying to breath her in, trying to savor this silence between us but it’s a good silence. We’re slowly moving forward and even though I can’t predict the future, I know that right now shes by my side and she’s mine.

Hopefully I’ve got what it takes to make this work. I realize that maybe this is why all my past loves have failed. Everything I’ve ever need and all I’ll ever want was standing right in front of me.

**