You Get Me Through
Chapter 12.
Five days, a lot of minutes and some odd seconds later
Things since Justin has been gone have been...interesting to say the least. I thought I would get through this and it wouldn’t even phase me, but that doesn’t seem to be the case. I’ve buried myself in my work, so close to finishing this project and it’s been about the only thing helping me through this even though Justin’s not far from my mind.
I try to work as long as I can, until I can’t keep my eyes open and my colleagues kindly demand I go home. Yes, everything is fine until I get home. I don’t know what I was thinking agreeing to live in this massive house all by myself. When I say massive, I mean it. Whenever I’ve visited, there have always been a handful of people coming or going so it made it feel not so vast. Even having just Justin and I here had once solved that problem but when it’s just me all alone, it feels like I’m living in a mansion.
A lonely mansion with constant reminders of Justin everywhere.
Now I told myself I wasn’t going to be a weepy pathetic girlfri- or I don’t even know what we are but I promised myself I wasn’t going to be ‘that girl.’ Like I said, I’ve buried myself in my work whenever possible, I’ve spent my fare share shopping and wallowing my thoughts and sorrows in buying clothes and make up, but at the end of the day, the void, the hesitation and confusion is all still there. I’ve took advantage of laying out by the pool and sunbathing but that only fills a small amount of time.
I told myself that maybe I needed to stop sleeping in his bed because it’s only a constant reminder of the fact that he’s not here right now and the line we crossed last week. Then there are nights where I feel pathetic and I miss him and his scent is everywhere. Those are the nights I find the most comfort. Even though he’s gone, I still feel him close to me, smell him as I drift off to sleep. A part of me tells myself that I’d still be feeling like this if we were still just friends because even then, I loved him. I still do, it’s just that I love him in a way I’m not sure I’m suppose to right now.
I need to clear my head and stop stressing. I’m starting to annoy even myself.
Glancing in the mirror, I pull my hair into a messy bun wondering why on earth I care about what I look like right now. I’m all by myself. I laugh, glancing at my favorite baggy gray sweats I put on, along with a t-shirt and a red hooded sweat shirt that happens to be, shit.. Justin’s.
Maybe I need rehab or something.
I laugh at myself before leaning down and inhaling it deeply, smiling as the spicy, woodsy scent of him envelopes me and yeah, it’s not the real deal but it will do for now.
I track my bare feet along the plush carpet down the two flights of stairs, through way too many rooms before I make my way to the kitchen to make some tea. Maybe I’ll watch a movie. That’s always a good distraction, right?
Walking into the living room, I plop down on the expensive white leather couch and cross my legs Indian style before flicking on the TV and choosing a movie. I’m not even through the opening credits when my cell phone rings loudly on the coffee table where I’d tossed it when I got home. Hearing the familiar song of ‘Sexyback’ (yes, a sick joke Justin did to my phone before he left), I laugh and roll my eyes as I try to ignore the way my heart skips a beat before bringing it to my ear.
“Hello?”
“Hey babe.” He says, his voice thick and sleepy.
“Hey you. How are you doing?”
I hear a heavy sigh escape him and rustling around in the background. It’s late in New York.
“Fine. Tired.”
“Then why aren’t you sleeping?” I urge knowing how he’ll go until he’s sick if he doesn’t sleep right.
“I will. I just, I wanted to talk to you first.”
I don’t miss the seriousness in his voice, the sleepy tone it’s got to it and I picture him laying there in bed in some hotel.
“Okay,” I breathe.
“How have you been?”
I shrug knowing he can’t see me but contemplate giving him my real answer or the answer he’s going to hear regardless.
“Fine. Just vegging out, watching a movie.”
He chuckles softly after that. “Are you wearing your sweatpants?”
“Yes,” I voice knowing he’s going to make fun of me. “Those are the best vegging out clothes.”
“I figured. I pictured you sitting on the sofa watching movies, your hair pulled up, pop corn by your side,” He laughs as I scoff because he’s right. “So you still holding down the fort?”
Of course all by my lonesome. “Yeah, I guess. It’s still ten times bigger when you’re in it alone.”
“I hear that.” He agrees, cut off by a yawn.
“How’s the movie going?”
“It’s going. I didn’t think it’d be this tiring. Acting is some hard shit.”
I laugh slightly. “That’s what you get for wanting to do it all Mr. Versatile.”
“Yeah, well somebodys gotta do it.” He snides, his voice full of cockiness.
“And it just had to be you.” I laugh, rolling my eyes.
“Well there is only one me.”
“Yes, yield to thy arrogant one, now.” I tell him because it’s true. He needs to be reminded every now and then.
“You love me anyways, right?” He asks, his voice deep and now serious.
It’s not far from my mind to give him an equally cocky reply but my heart strings pull at me.
“You know I do.”
He yawns once again and I can hear him shifting around again. “Good cuz you know I love you too.”
I hate that my heart skips a little when he tells me this. Not even three weeks ago he’d tell me this on a daily basis as my best friend and it was always nice to hear but before it didn’t have this much affect on me. I think I always pushed it aside. I always told myself I wasn’t suppose to feel like this.
“Shouldn’t you be getting some sleep soon?” I ask, changing the subject.
“Yeah, I’m gonna get going. I just wanted to see how you were.”
“Thanks. Still in once piece.”
He laughs, cut off by another yawn. I try not to picture adorable, sleepy Justin but it’s inevitable.
“Good. I’ll talk to you soon, babe.”
And there’s that darn simple pet name he’s taken to calling me again and I’d be lying if I said it didn’t melt me into a big puddle of goo. I hate that I’m so weak when it comes to him.
“Night Justin.”
And with that, I hang up my phone and resume my movie and when I doze off on the couch halfway through the middle, it’s Justin that’s on my mind as I dream.
**
Eight days, even more minutes and some odd seconds later
I don’t know how much more of this I can take. I’ve just come home from work, the house empty and quiet and I’m fighting the pull of keeping my eyes open. Our conversations have been less and less and when we do talk, it’s always a “Hi, how are things going, blah blah blah.” type of deal.
I told myself that I refuse to discuss our ‘relationship’ over the phone even though Justin drops little hints every now and then but I’m so lost these days. Several of them remind me so much of our shameless conversations before we ‘crossed the line’ as I like to call it. All I know is that this is hard without being face to face. Really hard. I find myself wondering why it had to be now that he had to whisk off to New York to do this movie and why he couldn’t wait and do one that wasn’t already filming.
Then I remind myself that he’s Justin Timberlake and he’s multi-talented and will do whatever the hell he wants. Right now, I want to be selfish and figure out where all of this is going to go between us because I know I can’t keep living here in his house, all by myself wondering.
As much as I love Justin, I guess I never looked at his career from every angle possible if I were to let this thing with him and I continue. Of course seeing him on the front page of some gossip magazine with his co-star didn’t exactly kick my day off to a good start. Then there were clips on TV and random photos of him going here and there with different girls from the movie and for some reason they just rubbed me the wrong way.
Now, yes I know he’s going to be rumored to ‘sleeping’ with every female he’s photographed with and I know deep down that he’s probably not doing anything with them but the question still lingers in my mind when I fall asleep at night. He’s already told me that he loves his his co-stars and everyone on the set but then again he’s a people person. I bet they all flock to him because well- who wouldn’t? He’s one gorgeous man.
I’ve seen the girls he’s dated over the years and how they’ve walked all over him and eventually broke his heart but I guess I just don’t feel like I’m ranked that high in his trophy case of women. Again, here I go doubting myself. I just know that I was always there to pick up the pieces left behind by women who have hurt him and I’m wondering where we turn if anything like that ever came between us. If I lost Justin, I’d lose it all.
Ugh.
I run a hand over my tired face as I lay in bed, trying to fall asleep, trying to will away the questions and concerns that keep running through my head at a speed I can’t keep up with. I’ve made up my mind that once Justin gets home that we’ll finally talk about us. I won’t put it off any longer and look at him with confused eyes. I’m a grown woman and it’s time we get down to the bottom of this.
I only wish I wasn’t counting down the time every day.
Just two more days. I can do it, right?
**
My eyes crack open, annoyed by my phone on the bedside stand ringing loudly. I glance at the clock and fight the urge to let out a strangled cry. Six twenty-two in the morning. Are you kidding me Justin?
I reach for the nuisance, my voice heavy with sleep as I answer.
“Hello?”
“Morning Carebear. Sorry to wake you so early.”
“Mmmm.” Is the only thing I can voice.
“I love your lack of enthusiasm in the morning.” He laughs knowing I’m not a morning person.
“What did you need?” I ask, wishing I could punch him right now.
“Am I not allowed to call you just to hear the sound of your voice, babe?”
And there he goes, trying to butter me up. Maybe he’s calling to tell me he’s coming home early or perhaps he’s at the airport now and wants me to pick him up.
“Cut to the chase, Timberlake.”
He laughs softly, his voice way too chipper for this hour in the day or morning.
“I just missed you. I wanted to talk.”
My heart goes to him, trying to wake myself up more. I’m reminded of the countless phone conversations we’ve had throughout our friendship. Back in the day when he was on tour with the guys, the first time he went solo and was terrified all the time to the downtime during coutless interviews and photo shoots. I was always there. I was always willing to talk to him. It was always me who saw him through.
I yawn a little, holding my phone up to my ear. “Okay. What’s going on?”
“Not much,” He says softly. “We’re taking a break from shooting right now. I just thought I’d give you a call and see how you were.”
“Well I was sleeping peacefully until now.”
“Cranky are we?” He questions, his voice laced with humor. “If I was home, I’d change that really quick.”
My breathing hitches quickly, wondering if he just made a sexual joke. I mean it wouldn’t be the first time but it’s a first since we- shit. Yeah, since we..
Why is this so hard for me to say? We slept together. Made love. Had sex. There. Still, my usual snarky comebacks are lost. Probably because I never figured I'd be saying these words when it came to Justin and I. That’s not how we were.
“Oh yeah?”
“Yup. I’ve got ways.” He says and I can tell he’s smiling just by the tone of his voice.
“Seriously, did you take an extra dose of cocky today?”
“Speaking of that,...”
“Justin!” I interrupt him, knowing exactly where he was headed. “What’s gotten into you?”
He laughs softly. “I was just messing around with you. Cheer up a little bit, babe.”
I let out a sigh, happy to see he’s in a good mood. “Do you know when you’re going to be done out there yet?”
“Another day or so,” He answers and I can tell there is hesitation in his voice. “I um, there was something I wanted to talk to you about.”
“Oh yeah?” I can tell this is bad news. I can feel that nagging feeling in my stomach.
“Yeah, I got a call asking me to work on producing some songs for someone.”
I feel my heart drop before I find my voice.
“Really?” I ask, trying to sound excited but I fail miserably.
“When?”
“I’d probably have to leave when I’m done shooting out here. They’re writing and recording in Miami.”
Oh so far away from LA. As much as I want to be happy for him, I can’t. Just the mere fact of hearing he’s got another project he wants to do makes me see any and all thoughts of us farther and farther away. I guess I was crazy to think that once the tour ended he would settle down.
“And you’re going to go?”
He’s quiet for a moment and I can hear the hesitation in his voice.
“I think so. I mean, I want to but-”
I use that opportunity to interrupt him which I know he hates.. “Then you should go.” I respond, trying to keep my voice even. And there I go again, supporting him even when it hurts me.
“Okay, but I won’t be long. I few days maybe. I’m just going to do a few songs or something. Mess around and see if the vibes are right.”
I bite my lip, knowing better. It won’t just be a few days or a few songs. He’ll get wrapped up in another project because he’s Justin and he’s an anal perfectionist. He’s got talent that goes beyond the moon and the stars and he won’t be stopped.
“Sure.”
“Carebear, what’s wrong?” He asks, his voice concerned.
“Nothing Justin. I’m going to get going though. I’ve got to get ready for work.” I say, even if it’s not true. He doesn’t need to know that.
“Okay. I’ll call you back later?”
“Sure. Whatever.”
I try not to picture his face visible with hurt. I try to not think about the confusion running through his mind at the moment because what I’m feeling could easily be multiplied by a hundred. For once I’m thinking about myself.
“Hey..,” He breathes. “I miss you.”
I close my eyes, letting his words soak in as I bite my lip, telling myself to be strong, telling myself for once not to crumble.
“Bye Justin.” I say before ending the conversation and tossing my phone back on the night stand. I can’t keep doing this. I refuse to live my life with hesitation and wonder and waiting to figure these thoughts and I’m never going to know the answer if he’s always gone and I’m always left waiting. There is no reality in that.
Sure, I could suck up my pride and call him back and we could discuss this thing with he and I over a telephone but that doesn’t seem right. We’ve been through so many ups and downs while he was in god only knows what state or city and the telephone was always our main connection.
But this is different. This is about he and I taking or friendship to a not so friendship level and I deserve to see look into his eyes to see if this is real and if it’s what he and I want. I look around the bedroom, still slightly dim in the early hour and all I see are Justin’s things. I smell him enveloped around me as I once again woke up his bed this morning. Maybe I should sleep in a different room but I know the reminder will only follow me wherever I go. I may be crazy but in even in the midst of all this, I still crave his presence around me. He’s my comfort and my sounding board. Only now, I need to do this without him, at least until I know what I really want.
I guess I could have a swallowed my pride and tried to figure all of this out before he left but I honestly didn’t have an answer. I was kind of blind sided by what took place between he and I and though I don’t regret a second of it, I just don’t have the right answer yet. I think Justin knew that too because even though I didn’t have the right words to say and he could still see my hesitation, he was still there and he still held me. He always seems to know what I need even when I don’t know myself.
My daily countdown to when he was going to be home has quickly fallen aimlessly from my mind and right now I don’t even care to think about him and I. I want to be selfish for once. I’ve always been the one there for him and when all I wanted was him home to discuss us, to see if he really had a chance, he’s gone again and off to the next project, just like he always his.
Can I keep doing that to myself? Live with a boyfriend who’s gone a majority of the time? I refuse to keep up my theory of traveling with him all the time. Sometimes I feel it makes me look pathetic and lonely to always be there for him. I have a life of my own. A house, a job, all that I’ve clearly put to the wayside to accommodate being there for Justin. But then I think back to those moments, the phone calls, the late night and early morning flights and I remind myself that he has never forced me to being there. I went because I cared. I went because I love him.
From my toes all the way to the top of my head, I love him. He’s my best friend and has gotten me through some really bad times in my life as I’ve done the same for him. He’s my crutch and my right hand and I’d do anything for him.
Right now, I just feel like there is too much on the line to risk. Almost a lifetime of friendships to possibly toss it away to see if we can do this on a different level.
Then my mind is flashed back once again to the a few weeks ago and the moments we spent making love and how I don’t really regret it. I think about him holding me so carefully the day before he left even when he knew I didn’t have the right words and he could tell I was afraid. I think of his soft caresses and his gentle grazes and his lips against my own. I think about that certain smile that causes my stomach to flutter and the mere scent of him that puts me takes me to a level of comfort no one else can give me. I think about the love I feel whenever I’m around him. I know he loves me...I just don’t know if it’s enough for us.
And here I am, still torn in my own thoughts and emotions. I know deep down that I just need some time to myself. Some time away from this house and all the constant reminders of Justin so I can clear my head and figure out what it is I really want. The revelation hits me quickly as I toss the covers back and walk across the bedroom to find my suitcase. I’m never going to know if this is real if I’m always the one waiting. I’m strong, independent and can walk on my own two feet. It’s been forever since I let a man this close to my heart and it’s a little overwhelming. Love does crazy things to us and I’m not sure I’m ready to be sucked into that again. I need to go home and get back to my normal every day life.
For once, I’m going to be a little selfish and figure this one out on my own.
