You Get Me Through
Chapter 7
One month laterThings have been one weird roller coaster lately. That’s the only way I know how to describe them accurately. Once news broke about me and Stephanie parting ways, that was the beginning of the drama. The constant tabloids, the paparazzi shoving questions in my face every second they could, being asked in every interview what when wrong. It’s enough to drive any man insane and trust me, it has.
I continued on with the tour, using it as my place to hide, a shield to let out all of my emotions and anger. I even went home once during a little break I had to spend some time with my family and it’s helped a lot. Everyone thinks it’s no big loss for me because “Oh he’s Justin Timberlake, he’ll find someone again” when that’s not even the case. What people fail to see is that I’m just a regular guy. I hurt just like everyone else, hell I even cry.
Relationships are not just some game to me. I take them pretty damn seriously and the love I give is real so it’s going to hurt when they don’t work out. It just seems to be an ongoing pattern for me though. I like to think I treat my girlfriends pretty well but somehow, I always end up hurt. Maybe I’m just not meant to be with someone. My path in life is to be a lonely singer, to sell out arenas, break records, make movies, have my own clothing line, world wide success but throught it all, be alone. And here I go getting all Debbie Downer on myself. I feel like I’ve repeated this part of my pathetic love life once or twice so I should probably stop.
I know that no matter what happens in my life, girlfriends or not, that I’ll always have one person by my side and that’s my one and only rock, my reason for dragging my depressed self out of bed everyday, the one and only Caroline.
I’ve said it a thousand times before that she means the world to me. There is no one out there in this world that cares and loves like she does. She stayed up with me in the middle of the night, the night that Stephanie left and we ended things and she let me vent and get out all of my frustrations. She let me curse and cry and second guess myself, only to remind me that this wasn’t my fault and if women couldn’t see the good in me, that they didn’t deserve to be with me. When it comes down to it, I don’t know where I’d be without her. Yes, I have tons of other friends, but no one knows me like Caroline. No one has that soothing touch that tells me that I’m going to get through whatever it is I’m going through, wake up the next day and keep moving.
Keeping busy has helped me a lot though. It’s one thing when you have nothing to do so you find yourself constantly sulking in your pain, thinking about it over and over again, about where it went wrong and looking back and regretting things to no end but with being on tour, I’m always busy. Sometimes I find myself saying that I hate this busy life I lead but it’s helped me. It’s helped me a lot which is why I’m nervous as hell now that the tour is about to come to an end and I’ll be back home living in LA hoping like hell I can find something to busy myself in besides my self pity.
**
It’s late and we’ve been on the bus on our way to LA for the final show of the tour and it feels like this drive is taking years. I’ve tried sleeping and as always, am wide awake and relentless. I pad my bare feet down the narrow hallway and see Caroline sitting at the table, hair pulled on top of her head, plaid PJ pants, a baggy hoodie and dark square glasses perched on her tiny little nose glued to the laptop in front of her.
She hasn’t left since the whole ordeal with Stephanie, even though I told her I wasn’t holding her prisoner but had insisted that she didn’t mind being here for me. It’s almost past that point now. I feel like we’ve fallen back in our old ways together like when we were young before everything with my career blew up and life got so complicated. She’s one of the few women I’ll ever admit to saying I don’t mind having around. She’s low key, low drama and I honestly love having her around. She gets along with my crew, my dancers, and hell, theirs just no way you can’t not love the girl, or woman. Yes, Caroline is a grown woman.
My Mom is even constantly telling me how glad she is that she’s out here on the road with me. She even gets all serious and tells me that Caroline is good for me and one of these days I need to stop being so blind, whatever that means. I don’t think I’ve ever been blind when it comes to her. In fact, I curse myself sometimes for noticing a little too much of her. I find myself having these moments, where we’re together, weather we’re bs-ing around or having one of our deep conversations where I kind of space out get this weird feeling in the pit of my stomach. My thoughts always flash back to that night in the club, how dancing with her felt so right and how the look in her eyes said so much more than what her lips would allow. I tell myself it’s just the side affects of everything that went down with whats-her-face- yes, that's the ex’s new name if anyone asks, and it was just me dealing with being on tour alone all that time.
I’m a man and crave human contact. That’s not a curse right?
I shake my thoughts, coming up to the table and sliding in beside her where she doesn’t even blink, her eyes steady on the screen in front of her.
“What’s up Just?” She asks, continuing her work.
I lean forward, trying to read at the speed she’s typing but it all makes little sense to me.
“Nothing. Can’t sleep like usual.” I say, leaning my head on her shoulder.
I smile as one hand comes up from the computer to pat my cheek in that comforting way she always does.
“Sorry but I’ve gotta finish this. I’m already behind deadline and I need to get this sent in.”
My face falls a little.
“Is being on tour putting you behind?”
She shakes her head quickly. “No, it’s not. They just sent me a new assignment they needed done and I over did my work load. Nothing that can’t be fixed with a little time and determination.”
I nod, watching her bring her fingers up to her lips like she always does when she’s thinking.
“Do you want me to leave you alone?” I question.
She turns blue eyes to me for a second, shaking her head once again.
“No your fine.”
I smile, not really wanting to leave her. It may seem somewhat odd but I like being around her. Even though she’s been with me on tour for a few weeks now, I still have yet to tire of her. We seem to know when the other needs space and she loves doing her own thing with sight seeing with whatever city we’re in. I find it kind of odd to say but we kind of balance each other out.
I tune out the sounds of the keys on her laptop clicking but her voice quickly brings me out of it.
“So you glad tomorrows the last show of the tour?”
I nod, already thinking of new projects and what not I want to take on. I really don’t know how to sit still.
“Yeah. This has been fun and stuff but I’m ready to move on to something else for a while.”
“Like sleeping in for a change?” She quirks.
I laugh slightly. “You know me better than that Carebear. I don’t know how to sleep in.”
“I really wish I had your energy Justin. You just never stop.”
I shrug shamelessly, batting my eye lashes at her, causing her to laugh.
“What can I say? It’s a gift.”
“Pshh, whatever.” She rolls her eyes jokingly and continues back to her work.
I hook my chin over her shoulder, feeling the need to be close to her again.
“You’re going to come out and visit though right?”
She tilts her head, laying it gently against mine and I smile at the contact.
“Possibly. I actually got an assignment that requires me to work out of LA for a few months so...”
My eyes pop open, surprised that she hadn’t mentioned this before.
“What? Really?”
She looks at me confused, laughing slightly.
“Yeah, I just found out about it today actually.”
“And you said yes right?”
“Well not exactly-.”
I cut her off again.
“Why not? You know damn well you could just move in with me while you’re there. I’ve got plenty of room.”
She looks at me, slightly bewildered at my anxiousness. The truth is, I don’t want to go home to an empty house. I don’t want to get stuck in that rut from here to where do I go now and having Caroline around would fix that. I don’t want be alone but I leave that part out. I leave out a lot of what I’m thinking.
“I don’t know Justin. It’s a lot to think about. I told them I’d think about it. I mean the job is a really good opportunity but.” She trails off, looking at me, her brows scrunched up in confusion.
“But what?”
“Aren’t you getting sick of me?”
I pull back, slightly shocked that she’d even think that. You think I would be sick of having a girl around all this time but Caroline’s not just any girl.
“Do I act like I’m sick of you? Girl, come on. I’d love to have you move in with me for a while. Or you could even stay longer if you want.”
“Okay. I’ll think about it.” She says, fingers messing with her keyboard before she closes her screen turning towards me.
“Just say yes already, pleeeeeeeeeeeease.” I beg, wrapping my arms around her, pushing her body across the length of the seat.
She laughs, her arms wrapping around my neck to steady herself from falling back all the way.
“Goodness Justin. Desperate much?”
I stop, my nose an inch away from hers as I look down at her and I can’t keep everything from her even if I tried. She has a way of finding out.
“I just, I don’t want to be alone when I go home ya know? I won’t know where to turn when the tours over and having you there will help me.”
Her face falls a little as one hand comes up to my cheek, feeling the smooth texture of my skin and I try to will away the small goosebumps that I feel from her simple touch.
“I’ll be there for you Just. If it means that much to you that I come to LA, then I’ll be there.”
She smiles slightly, her hand not moving as I let out a silent sigh of relief that I didn’t know what I was holding.
“Thanks.” I whisper, my fingers moving up to tuck some hair that’s escaped her ponytail behind her ear. My fingers move down her neck, moving ever so lightly over her jaw, trailing carefully across her lips, all the while holding her gaze with my own.
“You’re welcome.” She whispers back, her voice equally soft. “I’m not going anywhere.”
My breathing hitches in my throat at her words because she’s right. Nobody loves me like Caroline does. Nobody has seen me through as much as she has. I try to push away all the things flying through my head, the feelings I shouldn’t be having but it’s all so much.
My heart is nearly pounding out of my chest and I’m flashed back to all the other moments we’ve had like this where I didn’t do anything about it, the words failing numb against my tongue. I try to remind myself that she is my best friend, laying in front of me and put a stop to the things running through my brain but some type of force pushes through me and I know it’s pointless to even try and stop it.
My lips move down, hovering over hers until they brush just slightly against her own, before I pull away, already missing the contact as my forehead rests against hers. She doesn’t jump, or pull away or slap me, but her eyes close against her face, lashes fluttering softly.
“Don’t give up on me Carebear. I need you more than you’ll ever know.”
I feel her nod a little, as my hands come up to cover hers against the now warm flesh of my cheeks.
“I won’t Just. As long as you don’t give up on me.”
I shake my head, silently telling her I won’t, all the while wondering how long we can keep doing this. Kisses like this have just been a part of our relationship. We’re close so it’s not out of the norm but I know how women think and if I know Caroline as well as I think I do, I know that each time I do this, I’m probably confusing the hell out of her. Hopefully with her moving in with me for a few months, it will give us some time to breath a little and having her there and working with slowly show me I can get back on my own two feet once again.
We’re best friends. That’s all this is. Two grown adults who have been through a lifetime of ups and downs and who find comfort in the other. I’ll keep telling myself this for as long as I can because once you cross that line between lovers and friends, it’s down right impossible to get back and losing Caroline isn’t something I’m willing to do.
I can shake these feelings. It’s just a phase. It’ll all fizzle out.
I wonder how many times I’ll have to tell myself this stuff before I actually start to believe it.
