I’ve been sitting here across the table from Kendall for the past hour. She’s not saying anything, or even moving, she’s just looking into space. This isn’t helping anything, although I’m not surprised. I’m not going to spend my whole day sitting here looking into space with her. It’s bullshit and she needs to do something so she’s not like this forever.

         “Let’s do something.”

         I was surprised that she answered me right away, “Yeah, let’s bake a cake or something, that’ll be fun.”

         Sarcasm. The bitch is back.

         “Or we could talk about it, that’s more where I was going.”

         She glared at me, “There’s nothing to talk about.”

         “How can you honestly say there’s nothing to talk about, Kendall?”

         “Because there’s not. We were supposed to have a daughter right now and we don’t. We have a cherry blossom tree where her ashes are spread instead. There’s nothing else to say.”

         “Do you blame me?”

         She licked her lips before shaking her head and answering softly, “Not anymore.”

         “But you did?”

         “You were late. I wanted you to be there for it so I held her in. I didn’t push when they told me to because you weren’t there. I should have pushed when they said to push.”

         I saw a tear roll down her face and wasn’t exactly sure what to do. I know it’s hard for her to talk about it but at least she’s said something. This is the first time in a year that she’s even acknowledged it happened. “That had nothing to do with it.”

         “The doctor said it only happens after the water breaks. If I would have pushed quicker she would have come out faster and the nurses would have been able to untangle the cord,” she sniffled back the tears, “I really don’t want to talk about it Justin.”

         “It’s been a year and you still don’t want to talk about it. You thought you could deal with it yourself, you didn’t need to go see someone to help, and you don’t want to talk about it with anyone. I thought that’s what you needed, I gave you time, but it’s been a year. Obviously none of that helped because you still can’t even talk about it without breaking down. You still want to ignore it. Don’t you think maybe it’s time to try something new?”

         Now she’s laughing, or crying, I can’t tell which it is but I sure as hell know she’s not happy. “I lost my fucking baby Justin!!!” she shouted.

         “So did I!” I screamed back, “For Christ’s sake Kendall, so did I. And I lost my son too, and my wife, and my house and my whole fucking life. Don’t act like I don’t know we lost our baby. I lost everything, don’t act like you’re the only one.”

         It took her a second to answer, as if she’s never even considered it before. When she spoke again she was much quieter, “You left me Justin. So don’t act like it’s all on me and I’m the only one here with issues.”

         “I never left you, I would never leave you. What are you talking about?”

         “You left. You fucking went to New York for two months and left me alone to deal with everything.”

         I licked my lips nervously before responding softly, “It was a month after and I had to go, it was for work.”

         “It was three weeks after and if she was alive you never would have gone. You stayed home after JJ was born for a year.”

         “You weren’t talking to me. You weren’t talking to anybody. I didn’t think you wanted me here,” I admitted.

         “That’s such bullshit. You left. You left me to deal with everything all by myself.  It was too much shit and you couldn’t handle it so you left. And I was stuck at home trying to take care of JJ while still walking past her room ten times a fucking day. You got to escape it and you left me all alone.”

         I don’t know what to say to that. I know I shouldn’t have left, I knew I shouldn’t have when I did, and it drove me crazy the whole time I was in New York. I’ve regretted it since before I even left. But, to my defense, she wasn’t talking to me, or anybody and I thought she wanted time to be away from me… there’s no excuse. I fucked up. “My mother…”

         “Your mother is amazing,” she broke in before I could finish, “but she’s not you. Yeah, I had your mother and my mom and my sister and Rachael but none of them are you. You were the only one in the whole world that got what I was going through, what I was feeling, and you left. It was almost worse with everyone here because it was so constant. I know they were just trying to help, and they did, to some extent, but it was too much. I needed you, not my mom, not anyone else but you.  But I couldn’t have you because you were off touring the east coast trying to get your mind off of the shit I was being reminded of fifty times a day. I had to walk by her room and see all the empty bottles and the packages of diapers. I had to get all the sympathy cards and the flowers with everyone telling me how sorry they are, combined with the congratulations baskets people sent before they heard. I had to get sympathy looks, when I finally went outside again, from complete strangers. It’s not fair. It wasn’t fair then and it’s still not fair. I can’t just get over it. I can’t just move on because she’s my baby and she’s gone and I never even got to hold her. I never even got to see her.”

         “I’m sorry,” I stood up so I could hold her.

         “For what?” she asked with a sniffle.

         “Leaving. I really thought you didn’t want me around. I hated seeing you like that, I still do, and I wanted to be able to help you but I couldn’t, and it killed me. So I left, I thought I gave you time to deal with it without me.”

         It was a few weeks after I got back from my short tour and Kendall hardly even acknowledged that I was home. It’s not like I expected her to run into my arms but I don’t think she’s said a word to me she didn’t have to. Kendall was downstairs doing laundry, a place she tends to spend most of her time. I was happy to see her out of bed, but it was still going to be a far journey until she’s back to her usual self.

I sat on the couch watching Monday night football when I heard JJ next to me. “Daddy, can I have ice cream?”

         I looked over at him then back at the television.  I knew I had been neglecting him the past few weeks and I’m sure he has no idea why. “Yeah man, how are you doing?”

         He giggled and followed me into the kitchen, “Goooood.”

         “Just good?” I helped him up on the counter and got ice cream out of the freezer, “J, I know things have been a little hectic here the past few weeks.  We haven’t been doing too much together, do you want to go to the park tomorrow?”

         “Guess what Daddy? I went swimming and there was a lizard! A real live lizard! In the pool! And he was swimming!”

         “Alright cool.  So park tomorrow?”

         “He was green and he had a spot on his nose and back. And he was swimming! It was so funny!” JJ has no interest in anything other than the lizard and his ice cream.  I should have known that he is three years old and doesn’t understand everything that’s going on.  He sure as hell doesn’t feel like anything is different. At least I hope not, I don’t want him to go around feeling neglected.

         “That’s awesome, how big was it?”

         “It was like this big Daddy” he held his hands out as far as he could, “And he was smiling at me.”

         “Now I know you’re telling me stories,” I laughed, “Was he singing to you too?”

         “No silly, lizards don’t sing.”

         “Are you sure?”

         “Yeah, only Daddies sing.”

         “All Daddies?”

         “Duh.”

         “Duh?” I laughed as I slid the ice cream over to him, “You sound like Mommy, duh.” I mimicked.

         He giggled before grabbing a spoonful. I never realize how much I miss my son until I’m away from him. I shouldn’t have gone on that tour, that was a stupid move.  My family needed me and I ran away like a coward. That’s not me.

         I heard Kendall coming up the stairs and JJ’s face looked like he was scared to death. She came through the room with a basket of laundry; the laundry room has become her sanctuary. She is always down there, it’s where she can be alone and do her own thing without anyone bothering her. “Hey Babe, want some ice cream?”

         “No.” she answered quickly, not even bothering to look at either of us. She turned, placed the basket on the couch in the other room and then walked back in, “J, I said no ice cream.”

         This is the problem with naming your son by the same name.  It’s pure confusion. She did not tell me no ice cream so she must be referring to the little one.

         “Justin.” she repeated, this time eyeing me.

         “What?”

         “I told him no ice cream and then he comes up here and you give him ice cream.”

         “I didn’t know he wasn’t supposed to have ice cream,” I answered honestly.  How am I supposed to know what she tells him?

         “JJ, go upstairs.” I helped him down and he grabbed onto his ice cream and walked out of the room, “Leave your ice cream, I said no.”

         “But Daddy said yes.”

         This could be serious trouble. “If Mommy said no then you can’t have it.” I said as I grabbed it from his hands and he stormed off.

         “Why did you give him ice cream?”

         “I didn’t know I wasn’t supposed to.”

         “It’s nine o’clock at night, he should be in bed.”

         “I gave him a scoop, it’s not going to kill him.” Bad choice of words. I saw Kendall’s eyes start to water, “I mean…”

         “The sugar is going to keep him up all night. Are you going to stay up with him all night?”

         “Sure Kendall, if a scoop of ice cream keeps him up all night I would love to stay with him all night.”

         She took a deep breath, “It’s just the point Justin.  When I say no you can’t just go and say yes.”

         “I didn’t know you said no!” I shouted, “What do you think I’m fucking psychic?”

         “It’s kind of common sense. You know, at nine o’clock at night you probably shouldn’t give your three year old son an ice cream sundae.”

         “A fucking scoop. Relax.  You’re acting like I fed the kid speed.”

         “Yeah, call my son ‘the kid’ one more time Justin.”

         I took a deep breath and walked away from her.  I’ve found it helps to just walk away from her when she’s acting crazy.  It gives her time to cool off although that night it didn’t work. We were both at our breaking point, ready to burst over the slightest thing. I went upstairs and helped JJ get ready for bed.

         “Daddy, I really wanted ice cream.”

         I laughed as I grabbed a book to read to him and pulled him on my lap, “I know buddy, but if Mommy says no that doesn’t mean you come and ask me.”

         “Yeah but Mommy said no cause she’s being mean. Next time I’ll just ask you first.”

         “No J, you have to go easy on Mommy, she’s having a hard time. Maybe we should wake up early tomorrow and make her breakfast.”

         “Daddy,” he giggled, “You’re silly.”

         I laughed, not exactly sure how that makes me silly but he’s just too damn cute.  “Is this book alright?” I asked, holding up a Dr Seuss.

         “Yeah, cause I lost the other one, that’s my favorite.”

         “What one did you loose?”

         “The angel one, bout Jenny Lynn.”

         “When did you loose it?”

         “When you left. Mommy read it once and then I losted it. I looked everywhere too Daddy, I don’t know where it went.”

         Well buddy, I’m sure the reason why you can’t find it is because your mother took it. I’m surprised she was able to read it even once. I really wish she would go see someone.

         “I’ll help you look for it tomorrow, it’s gotta be around here somewhere.”

         “Yeah, it’s gotta be,” he repeated and handed me the Dr Seuss.

After reading the story and tucking him in I went to our bedroom and sat down on the bed watching Kendall putting the clothes away.  I could tell she was still in her mood so I thought I’d just sit there and mind my own business. I grabbed my book from the nightstand and tried to give her her space. I looked up at her and noticed she was crying. She was really crying over ice cream. “Baby calm down, I didn’t know he wasn’t supposed to have it.  He didn’t eat a lot and he’s asleep now.”

         Kendall shook her head and went into the closet to put the clothes away.  I could see her wiping her eyes.  She came back in and started crying harder, “I want a divorce.”

         “What?” that was not what I expected; I never expected that in my life.  Kendall couldn’t even talk she was crying so much, “Baby, what are you talking about?” I stood up and tried to hug her but she moved away from me.

         “I want a divorce.” She repeated.

         “Over ice cream? Come on baby.”

         “No, not over ice cream.”

         “Then why?”

         “I’m not happy. We’re not happy.”

         “Of course we’re not happy Ken. We lost our fucking baby three months ago.”

         She started crying again, even harder if that was possible.  Just the mention of the baby put her over the edge, I should have known better it always does. But it’s a stressful situation, we’re not going to be happy for a long time, it happens.  “I’m just not happy.”

         “And breaking up our family will make you happy?”

         She sniffled back the tears and wiped her eyes, taking a minute to answer, “I don’t know. All I know is I’m not happy and I can’t live like this Justin, I can’t.”

         I grabbed onto her and did not let her get away, “Kendall, baby, listen to me. I know you’re not happy, I’m not happy. No one would be happy right now if they were going through what we’re going through. But we’re going to make it, we need to give it time.”

         “I can’t give it time, I’m giving it time. I’ve given it time and it’s not working. I just want to be happy again.”

         I realize now that she was just upset and going through all the stress but at the time I took it very personally.  I felt like I was the reason why she wasn’t happy and she was blaming me for it. “I don’t know why you think that leaving and fucking up our whole family is going to make things better. What about JJ? That will make him happy? Having his mom and dad living in different houses is going to make him happy?”  She didn’t answer and that made me even more upset and made me raise my voice even louder, “I know how you feel about loosing Jenny Lynn baby. I get it. But you need to move on and focus on the family that you have. Don’t ruin that too.”

         “I just want to be happy,” she answered in a whisper.

         “Then go get fucking happy Ken! If it’s that easy, go for it.  If you think all you have to do is leave to be happy then fucking go.”

         She didn’t answer me but she threw some of her things in a bag.

         “I’m taking JJ,” she answered.

         “Bullshit, you are not taking him.”

         “Justin, I’m his mother,” the tears were back.

         “And I’m his fucking father. He’s sleeping. It’s ten o’clock at night; you are not waking him up to go stay in a hotel room so you can get happy.  It won’t make him happy. So you go ahead, have fun and get happy. But you’re not taking him.”

         “I’m taking him. I won’t take him now because it’s late but I am taking him. I’ll be back tomorrow to get him.”

         “You can’t just come back and take him Kendall. It doesn’t work like that. You can come back and stay, but you can’t come back and take him and leave again. There’s no fucking way.”

         “He’s my SON Justin!”

         “I get that. He’s my son too. You can’t take him. Do you need me to call my lawyer to explain that to you?”

         “Oh nice, pull the fucking lawyer card.”

         “I’m going to pull the fucking lawyer card if you’re going to try to take him, it’s bullshit.”

         “You’re being a complete asshole.”

         “Maybe. I guess I need to be a complete asshole when you try to take my son because you want to get happy.  But we can involve the lawyers if that’s what you want. You’re obviously not real stable right now so I’m not worried.”

         “Fuck you, I’m stable! Like what, you think the judge is going to think you’re a better parent? Why? Because you live out of a suitcase 60% of the year? Yeah, that’s a great environment for a three year old.”

         “Right, better than a mother that can’t get out of bed and hides his fucking books because she can’t deal with it.”

         The look on her face made me realize I had gone too far and wish I could take it back.

         “You’re a complete asshole, I hate you. That was low, even for you. I can’t believe I wasted so much fucking time on you.  We’ll get the lawyers involved, and we’ll get this divorce done so fucking fast. Then you can go tour all year and you won’t have me holding you back. You can go do what you really care about and not get stuck in the fucking family mode.”

         “Oh really, yeah. You got me all figured out Ken.”

         “It’s true, that’s all you ever wanted.”

         “If that’s what I wanted I would have fucking done it. I had it, and I stopped it. Don’t act like I don’t want a family, you know damn well that’s not true.”

         “Whatever, I can’t look at you. I don’t want to talk to you.”

         “Yeah, go get happy.”