I sat down at my dining room, my heart beating in my throat. Why is it so damn hot in here?  This has to be a nightmare, there’s no possible way this is really happening. I can’t see straight, I can hardly breathe. I can’t put up with this right now, or ever for that matter. I’m supposed to be the strong one but that’s not fucking fair. I’ve been holding it together for the most part, but everyone reaches their point and I’m about to reach mine.

         “Justin,” the voice woke me from my thoughts and I looked up at my lawyer sitting across the table from me.

 I nervously ran my hands through my hair and took a deep breath, “Give her whatever she wants,” I struggled to get out.

“She doesn’t want anything. She just wants JJ.”

I took a deep breath and felt my eyes fill up with tears. I never used to cry, I was always one of those people that keeps shit inside and deals with it on their own. The only one, besides my mother, I ever cried in front of was Kendall. I sure as hell have never cried in front of my lawyers, but I’ve been crying so damn much these past few days I don’t even bother trying to keep it in. “That’s ridiculous. What is she going to do? Live in a fucking box with him? Give her the house. And her car, she’ll need a car. I don’t know how this shit works man, isn’t she supposed to get half of everything?”

“Not necessarily, there was no prenup, so technically she’s supposed to get half. However, she doesn’t want to fight for it, so I’m sure we could get away with…”

“Give her half,” I broke in. I’m not about to try and screw my wife over. Although I guess after all this shit is over and done with she won’t be my wife anymore.

“Are you sure you don’t want to wait a few weeks? It may be better not to rush into this. We all know you’re going through a hard time.”

I can’t talk about this anymore; all I ever do is talk about it. “Yeah, it’s what she wants. She can’t have JJ though, that’s the one thing I’ll fight for. I’m fine with splitting his time up, fifty-fifty though, none of that every other weekend shit. But I need to keep him now, all the time. She’s not ready to take care of him right now. You need to let her lawyers know that. I don’t want to have to bring it to fucking court but I will, and I’ll win.”

“Have you tried talking to her?”

“She won’t talk to me. She won’t talk to anybody.”

I can’t even begin to explain how fucked up my life is at this moment.  My newborn baby girl came out strangled in an umbilical cord, and I saw her, I fucking saw her. My wife now wants a divorce because apparently this is somehow my fault. Now my wife is off god knows where doing god knows what and I’ve never been more worried about anyone in my life. Then there’s the fact that I haven’t slept in months and can’t even remember my middle name and all I really want to do is lock myself in a room and cry like a fucking baby or scream and break shit.  All the while, I’m trying to be the strong one and give the child that I do have some sense of normalcy so he doesn’t end up being more fucked up than anyone.

“Daddy, Daddy,” I heard my son’s voice and quickly wiped the tears away from my eyes.

“What’s up man?”

“I did bad. I made a big mistake and I did really, really bad.”

Of course, let’s add some more fuel to the fire; kick a man while he’s down, of course. “What’s the matter?”

“Come here,” he motioned for me to lean down so he could whisper in my ear, “I went peepee in my pants cause I couldn’t get to da potty and I hadda go real bad.”

I laughed and stood up before grabbing onto his hand, “We’ll be right back,” I told my lawyers, “It’s alright buddy, it happens. Don’t worry.”

         “MOMMMMMYYYY!” I heard his voice and felt him climb on the bed, “Wake up! Daddy! Wake up! It’s morning and I’ma gonna be late for school today!”

         “No school man, stop jumping,” I heard Justin and felt JJ bounce down between us.

         “Yes school, it’s Monday and that’s school day and that means I gotta go back to school!”

         “You don’t have to go today,” I suggested. It’s not like he’s in real school, it’s just preschool. I don’t feel like waking up and I’m kind of in the mood for some more family time. It’s only a matter of time before Justin has to go and things will be all weird again, that is if that’s not already happened.

         “I wanna go. I wanna go, please Mommy, can I go?” I turned over to see him sitting on Justin’s legs, “Daddy, I wanna go to school.”

         “Well then, I guess you should go to school,” Justin said with a chuckle, “He’s gotta get that from you, I’ve never wanted to go to school a day in my life.”

         “Yay, come on and get up cause I gotta go to school!”

         “Calm down JJ, it’s still early. You have plenty of time.”

         “Why don’t you go and pick out something to wear and let me and mommy talk for a minute,” Justin suggested and JJ ran out of the room before I could tell him to stay.

         I don’t want to talk, it’s still early and I’m still tired. Sure, we had sex last night, that wasn’t smart. Sure, it was all me, my suggestion, my following through… fuck I practically raped the guy. What is wrong with me?

         I looked up at Justin, he looked over at me and chuckled, “You said it’s not going to be weird.”

         “It’s not,” that wasn’t a complete lie…

         “Alright,” he laughed again and wrapped his arms around me, kissing my forehead softly,  “Sleep alright?”

         “Yeah, thanks. How about you?”

         “Yeah, I did.”

         See, it’s already getting weird and it’s not even my fault. It just happens, I was stupid to let it happen, to fucking make it happen. I need a time machine.  “I’m going to go make breakfast,” I stood up quickly and wrapped myself in a robe,  “Bacon or sausage?”

Three weeks after Kendall left and she wants to take JJ for a couple days. Everybody tells me she’s better now and she can handle him but I’ve yet to even hear her voice so I’m not so convinced. I feel like I’ve been stabbed. My fucking wife is talking to everyone but me, even my mother. That’s fucked. At least I’ll be here when she comes home, even if it’s just for a few minutes when our paths cross. I really think if I had a chance to sit down and talk to her, I mean really talk, she’d realize this isn’t solving anything but making it a hell of a lot harder.

“Daddy?”

“Yeah Little Man, what’s up?”

JJ climbed on my lap and wrapped his arms around my neck, “I don’t want you to go, I wanna come with you. Can I?”

“No, you’re just going to stay here with Mommy for a couple days and then you’ll come with me.”

“But… I wanna come with you, I don’t wanna stay with mommy.”

“Of course you want to stay with Mommy,” I answered quickly. The truth is I know he remembers how she acted the last time he saw her, how she got so made at him and made at me for giving him a scoop of ice cream. He was asking about her for the first couple days but he’s stopped. I would much rather JJ come with me, I’d feel a lot better if that were the case, but I know how much Ken loves him and she needs to see him too.  “You’ll have fun with Mommy.”

“No suh, cause she was mad and not nice and yelled at me, memba?”

“Yeah, but she’s fine now, don’t worry. I don’t want you talking about your mother like that. You know you’re going to have fun with her. I’ll be back in a couple days and you can call me whenever you want.”

He took a deep breath and rested his head against my chest, “Daddy, how come you’re taking the doggies with you?”

“Because I’m going to be lonely, I need to have someone with me.”

“But I’m gonna be lonely without them. Who am I gonna play with?”

“You can play with Mommy, silly.”

“But guess what Daddy? There’s two doggies, that means you keep one and I keep one.”

I chuckled at his solution, he’s so damn smart, “Alright, but how are we going to split them up? Which one do you want?”

“Bailey,” he giggled, “She’s my favorite. Know why? Cause she can catch a cookie on her nose.”

“That is true,” I laughed as there was a knock on the door. Why the fuck is she knocking on the door? The smile quickly slid off my face and I felt my heart beating in my throat. This is the first time I’ve seen her in three weeks, I haven’t even heard her voice, she always has her sister call when she wants to talk to JJ. For some reason I’m now the enemy. “Maybe you should practice catching a cookie on your nose.” I suggested before walking to the door.

When I opened it I saw Kaylee, Kendall’s sister standing in front of me. I looked around, in her car, no Kendall to be seen. “Hey?”

“Hey,” Kaylee said before walking past me. She always just walks right in to my damn house like she lives here; the damn girl drives me crazy.

“What are you doing here? Everything alright?”

“Yeah, I’m just here for JJ, so you can leave,” she said as she walked into the living room, “Hey JJ, how are you doing? I haven’t seen you in so long.”

“Hi Auntie Kay, wanna play Spider-Man?”

“In a little bit, alright buddy?” I said before turning the television on for him, “Kay, come in the kitchen for a minute.” She surprisingly followed me without a fight, “Where’s Kendall?”

“She’s… coming. After you leave.”

“No. It doesn’t work like that.”

“Come on Justin, give her a break.”

         “Give her a break?” I shouted, “All I’ve been doing is giving her fucking breaks Kaylee. I haven’t talked to her in three weeks and the last time I talked to her she was like a fucking nut case. You’re both out of your mind if you think I’m just going to leave JJ here without seeing her first.”

“Seriously? You know Kendall; she’s not out of her mind. She’s an amazing mother, what’s she going to do? She hasn’t seen JJ in three weeks, she just wants to see her son.”

“Which is fine, but I need to see her first.”

“That’s stupid.”

“It’s not stupid. You all are acting stupid. Why is everyone acting like this is normal and she has every right to be acting the way she’s acting? It’s not fucking normal, and ya’ll need to stop pretending it is and grow some fucking balls and stop agreeing to everything she says. It’s not helping, she needs a wake up call and you and your whole fucking family need to stop with the bullshit. You know she’s acting crazy, you all know it. So fucking step up and say something. I get she’s your sister, but seriously Kaylee, stop pretending she’s totally legit with her ideas. It’s not helping.”

“She’s not coming until you leave.”

“Then I guess she’s not coming because I’m not leaving until she gets here.” I left her in the kitchen and sat down next to JJ.

         Kaylee came in a few minutes later, I could hear her trying to convince Kendall on the phone, and sat down on the loveseat, “She’s coming.”

         I nodded my head instead of answering and pulled JJ on my lap.

         “This is my favorite part! Shh Shh… Buzz Lightyear…. TO THE RESCUE!!!” JJ jumped up and screamed, throwing his hand in the air.

         When Kendall came fifteen minutes later she walked right past me, as if I wasn’t even there.  She grabbed JJ in her arms and twirled him around, telling him how much she missed him and how much he’s grown. She told him how much she loves him and how she has such fun things planned, all while I was standing there, unable to speak. My wife, the woman I love, my true love, the only girl I’ve ever really loved, was standing there with our son, walking past me like I wasn’t even there.

         It took a few minutes for me to find my voice, “Ken, can we talk for a minute?”

         “No we can’t,” she answered without looking up at me.

         “Just for a minute.”

         “No,” she continued ignoring me and played with JJ. JJ just looked at me; surprised his own mother wasn’t talking to his father. Wondering why she was ignoring me completely and not running into my arms like she usually did when we hadn’t seen each other for a few days.

         “Kendall. Five minutes.”

         “No.” she spoke louder this time, “We’ll see you Thursday.”

         I took a deep breath and ran my hands through my hair. “I don’t want to talk in front of JJ but if that’s the only option then I’ll do it.” she ignored me, she doesn’t think I’ll do it but she’s out of her fucking mind if she thinks I’m leaving that easy. “How am I supposed to know that you’re alright now? That there’s nothing mentally wrong with you?”

         She glared at me, that got her attention.

         “JJ, come on and show me your room,” Kaylee said before picking him up and practically running upstairs. Finally, she does something helpful.

         “Fuck you,” Kendall spoke softly after they were upstairs, “Don’t ever talk to me like that.”

         “I’m being completely serious. How am I supposed to know you’re alright to watch him?”

         “Because the JUDGE said you have to. Deal with it.”

         “Someday you’re going to realize how crazy you’re being. You’re going to wake up and it’s going to be too late. Look at me Goddammit,” I grabbed onto her arms and forced her to look at me, “This is not my fault. It’s not your fault. And all this shit that you think is fixing everything is just making it a million times worse. Your whole fucking family does whatever you say and agrees with whatever you want but it’s bullshit. You’re not going to be happy, this isn’t going to make you happy. You have to realize I’m the only one going through this with you. You and me, that’s it. Not your sister, not your mother, we’re the only ones.  No one gets it like I do. We need each other for fucks sake Ken, we need to talk, we don’t need to live on opposite sides of the city.”

         She pulled away from me and wiped her eyes, “We’re divorced, so we don’t need to live in the same house. And you’re not the only one that understands what I’m going through, because you don’t. That’s the whole fucking issue, you don’t get it.  Just leave. It’s my time with JJ, just go.”

         “Daddy!” JJ ran and jumped into my arms as I walked into the kitchen, “Guess what?”

         “What?”

         “Today is Ocean Day in school! We’re gonna make fish and play in sand and everything! Oh and guess what? It’s my snack day and we made Jell-O with gummy fish in it! It’s so cool, huh Mommy?”

         “Oh yeah,” she said as she placed a plate in front of each of us, “I forgot all about that JJ, thanks for reminding me.”

JJ giggled and climbed onto his own chair before piling the eggs in his mouth.  Kendall sat down across from us and took a sip from her coffee, she’s acting weird. There’s no doubt about it.

         “Did you have fun at Disneyland yesterday Buddy?” I asked JJ, to break the silence.

         “Oh yeah! Can we go again after school?”

         I laughed and shook my head, “No, but we’ll go again sometime soon.  Breathe man, you’re going to choke, slow down.”

         He giggled again and finished his egg, “OK, I’m ready! Can we go now Mommy?”

         “No, slow down.  Wait for Daddy to finish, maybe he’ll drop you off on his way home.”

         What just happened?