It’s been two months since the divorce has been final. Two months since Justin has officially moved out and I’ve been living here with JJ for half the week and alone for the other half. This whole thing isn’t exactly making me feel like I thought it would make me feel. In fact I’m beginning to think maybe I’ve made a huge mistake.

         The days that I have JJ are good, but it still feels like something is missing. I realize there’s a strong possibility that Justin is the thing that’s missing, but I still don’t think that’ll solve anything. Those days that JJ is with Justin are just completely unbearable. I spend the majority of the time in bed and have really never felt this lonely in my life.  I just want this crazy feeling to go away. I want everything to go back to the way it used to be.

         I waited by the door in my pajamas for my pizza to be delivered. The delivery boy, who was no more than 18, felt the need to give me that damn look of sympathy. I mean really, even the kid that delivers pizza is so judging.  I grabbed a can of Diet Pepsi and went back to bed, laying the pizza box down next to me before grabbing the remote. After turning the television on I grabbed a piece of pizza and took a deep breath, leaning back against the pillows.

         “Unless you’ve literally been living under a rock for the past few months you’ve heard about all the horrible things that have been going on in Justin Timberlake and his wife Kendall’s life. Ex-wife Kendall, sorry. A quick recap because we don’t want to talk about it too much because it really is an extremely sad story. Their baby was strangled by the umbilical cord during labor and did not make it. Obviously both Justin and Kendall and I would assume everyone close to them, of course no one as much as those two, have been going through a very hard time. I can’t even imagine how difficult these last few months have been for them.  Kendall filed for divorce and the two are living in different houses. Justin reportedly bought a three million dollar house not too far from their family home.”

         I couldn’t change the channel. I knew I should but I just couldn’t do it.

         “It’s a sad, sad story,” one of the other ladies broke in.

         “It definitely is. They were so sweet too. Justin’s been on the show and Kendall was here with him, along with their four-year-old son, Justin Jr. They were always so laid back and normal and never Hollywood. Really in love, it was something you could really notice within a few seconds of meeting them.”

         “Well, a lot of people think that they perhaps jumped into the divorce a little too soon and didn’t have enough time to actually work through everything they’re going through.  We don’t know the whole story so I hate to just assume things. What we want to talk about today is Justin Timberlake reportedly being seen out hitting the club scene in Hollywood a few days ago.  Witnesses say he was dancing and drinking all night, surrounded by girls, and even left with one. What do you think about that?”

         I feel sick. I’m going to throw up. Why am I watching this?

         “Well, first of all do we even know this happened or is it just tabloids making up stories?”

         “There are pictures, let’s show them. There’s Justin walking into the club and then these are not as clear but that’s Justin in the VIP with a group of girls, dancing…”

         Dancing? That is not dancing, that is like fucking on the dance floor. His hands are all over her. I’m going to be sick.

         I spent the rest of the afternoon in the bathroom, crying and throwing up or just laying on the floor looking at the ceiling. How is he going out with girls? Not even going out with girls, he’s going to clubs with the little slutty groupies and taking them home. Who does that? He doesn’t do that. Why is he doing it now?

         Not even to mention that we just got a divorce. He’s moved on pretty fucking fast. And here I am thinking maybe I made a mistake with this whole thing and he doesn’t give a shit. He’s too busy bringing the groupies back to his house, the house that my son is at right now.

         When I finally gained the strength to get myself out of the bathroom I noticed it was already 3:00, the time Justin is supposed to bring JJ back. Usually I try to get myself all beautified for this point in the week but he’ll be here any second so I don’t have time. As I walked down the stairs I could hear Justin knocking at the door. I’m not exactly sure why all of a sudden he knocks. I get that he doesn’t live here anymore but it’s weird that he knocks on his own door. It is his door, it’s his house. It’s been his house since before I even met him.

         I opened the door and JJ ran into my arms, immediately making me feel a million times better. “Hi Mommy! I missed you!”

         “Hi darling, I missed you so much. Were you good for your Daddy?”

         “Yeah, he was good,” Justin answered me since JJ already ran inside. “Are you alright?”

         “I’m fine,” I lied and reached for the door, “Thanks for bringing him back, we’ll see you next week.”

         Justin grabbed the door so I couldn’t close it in his face, “You’re not alright. Don’t act I haven’t known you for six years and can’t tell when something’s wrong.”

         I took a deep breath, it’s not fair that he can tell but I’m not going to get into it with him. Technically he can do what he wants, we’re divorced, and he’s allowed to move on. It’s just that it’s been two months and he’s moving on quick, with dirty sluts. “I’m fine, I just missed him.”

         “Alright,” he took a deep breath, “Call me if you need anything, alright? Anything Ken.”

         “I know. Thanks. Bye Justin.”

         Kendall is absolutely out of her mind if she thinks I’m just going to go home after all the shit that went down last night. She doesn’t even tell me to my face either, she tells our four year old son that I’ll take him to school on my way home.

         I did take him to school, and then I drove right back to the house. When I walked in Kendall was finishing cleaning up after breakfast.  She looked up at me and then back at the counter before speaking, “Back?”

         “Yeah, I’m back.” I’m trying to calm myself down so I don’t start yelling, that’s definitely not what I need right now. “Can we talk, maybe?”

         “Yeah, I… I have to get some stuff done but…”

         “Right, a couple minutes.”

         “OK,” she nodded her head and followed me into the living room. I can’t begin to explain how surprised I am that she’s ready to talk without putting up a fight. Although I’m sure I just jinxed it.  “What’s up?”

         “What’s up?” I laughed at the question. Really? “I just don’t understand what’s going on. I mean last night you were all over me and then this morning you tell me to go home, without any kind of explanation.”

         “Sorry,” she spoke up softly before I could finish, “I thought you had stuff you needed to take care of.”

         “I didn’t.”

         “Alright.”

         That’s it?

         “I just like, um…” Ken continued, this isn’t going to be good, “I’m sorry about last night. It’s completely my fault and I shouldn’t have done that. I just got caught up in the day and, well, the past few days were really great. Sometimes, I just wish everything would go back to the way it was before everything happened.”

         “We can… work on that Ken, we can make things normal again.”

         She shook her head, “We can’t cause we’re divorced and… JJ’s getting really confused.”

         “No he’s not!” I didn’t mean to shout, I really didn’t. “Ken, don’t you see how happy he is when we’re together, the three of us? It’s like he’s in heaven. The things he says, the things he’s been saying. I mean, at first I thought it wasn’t hitting him, he’s just four. But the shit he says, he misses us together.”

         “I know! And it breaks my heart but what am I supposed to do?”

         “Give us a chance? We never tried to work through it, we should have tried. It’s not too late to give it a shot.”

         She didn’t answer for a few minutes; she just looked at the dark television as if it were telling her the secret to life. “It’s just… alright.” She took a deep breath as if she has something really important that she’s been fighting with herself to say for years. She turned on the couch so she was facing me and licked her lips nervously before she began. This is not going to be good. “When we first got divorced and you just bought your house.  A couple months later, two maybe three. Two months, I don’t know why I’m pretending that I don’t know exactly, I know the exact fucking date. Anyway, you were with people… girls, you were with girls. Lots of them. And the divorce just was finalized and you moved on, so fucking fast. You moved on to slutty bimbos that probably can’t spell their own last name. I was home with JJ, going absolutely crazy and you were out with these girls.”

         Shit.

         “It doesn’t matter… or it shouldn’t matter,” she continued, wiping her eyes as if she could get them fast enough that I wouldn’t notice. “It shouldn’t matter because we were divorced and you’re allowed to do that. It’s none of my business. Its just… being with someone else was like the furthest thing from my mind. It’s not like we fell out of love, you even said that. So it’s like, I don’t understand how you could do that. Or why you would want to do that. I just don’t get it.”

         “All of that stuff was blown completely out of proportion and you know how that happens.”

         “I do,” she answered softly, “Which is why I’m asking you. It’s totally fine because we’re divorced and you’re completely allowed to do whatever you want to do. But, I mean, there were pictures of you.”

         She says it’s totally fine but judging by the fact that she’s trying really hard not to break down and crawl into a ball crying I’d say that’s complete bullshit.  “I’m not going to lie to you Kendall. I was completely lost and confused and always madly in love with you. But, you wanted a divorce and you didn’t want anything to do with me. I mean, you wouldn’t even say two words to me when I’d bring JJ back or pick him up. I thought that’s what I needed.” Now she’s crying completely, she’s not even trying to hide it anymore. “Listen Ken, let me finish. I thought it was what I needed and I took this girl home, I don’t even remember her name. It was absolutely horrible and embarrassing even. A complete disaster, I don’t know how she never sold the story to the tabloids. I think she just felt bad for me. That was it; I never brought another girl home. I felt sick afterwards, I knew it wasn’t what I needed. Yeah, sure, I went out, I went to clubs, I danced with girls but that’s it. There was never anything more than that. I promise,” I looked into her eyes so she could tell I was telling the truth. I don’t lie to her, I never really have, unless you count the time we were lost in the woods. I’m not going to start lying to her now.

         Ken stopped crying, I don’t know if that has any significance. I don’t know what else to say or do. I hate this confusing shit, it never used to be confusing and awkward, it used to be easy.

         “What are we going to do?”

         “I think we just need to relax and stop trying to figure out what we’re going to do. We need to stop worrying about what we should be doing and what everyone else thinks we should be doing and just do it.  Do what we want.”

         Ken nodded her head and spoke softly, “I want you to stay.”

         “Then I’m staying.”

         She nodded her head and started crying again. “Don’t cry Baby, come on, I hate seeing you cry.” I said as I pulled her in my arms.