The room was still dark when I woke up which made me believe it was much earlier than it actually was. That hasn’t happened to me in awhile, but it’s always so fucking disappointing when it does.  A loud crack of thunder made me jump up, of course there’s a storm. It’s just that day; it’s been exactly a year so the whole world is showing me that it’s going to be a bad day.  It couldn’t be a nice, sunny day. It’s not possible. It was rainy and there was thunder and lightning on this day last year, so it’s going to rain and storm for the rest of my life on this day.  It’s God’s little way of reminding us, as if we need to be reminded.

 I lay back down and pulled the covers over my head hoping that maybe I can go back to sleep and sleep through this whole day. That way when I wake up it’ll be October 16th and October 15th would have never existed.

 My mother, on the other hand, did not want me to sleep.  She called me a few minutes later.

         “How are you doing?” her concerned voice took over. She’s always so worried about me, I guess she has every right to, today is a day I’ve been dreading for a very long time. Although, I’m not the one she should be asking.

         “Fine,” I sat up and looked out the window. The whole sky lit up from a crack of lightning. I swear if I didn’t know any better I’d think it was two in the morning instead of eight. It’s so damn dark out there it’s almost eerie.  “It’s fucked up out there huh?”

         “The language Justin.”

         “Sorry.” I’m twenty-eight years old, just a side note.  Obviously my age doesn’t mean anything. I still feel the need to apologize to my mother for swearing.

         “How’s Kendall doing?”

         “I just woke up.”

         “You still want to go over there, right? What time?”

         “Yeah uh… let me take a shower, you can come by whenever you want.”

         I don’t really want to go over there. Don’t get me wrong, I want to go over there, I just don’t want to go over there today. I know how depressing it’s going to be. I wish I could instead take Ken and JJ and get on a plane to Hawaii or something. We could forget about everything that happened this day, and make new memories. So that way, when October 15th comes around next year, we won’t have all the shitty memories, we’ll just remember the good ones.

         Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I want to forget her. Of course I don’t want to forget her, I just want to remember the good things. It’s hard when you loose someone, it’s hard to remember someone you’ve known for years and not remember the way you saw them last. When my great uncle died for the longest time I could only remember him the way he looked lying in that coffin. Sure, a couple weeks later I started to remember him for the good times, like the way he took me fishing and taught me how to shoot a BB gun.

         It’s hard to remember the good memories with someone when you never had the chance to make any good memories. I’ve been trying to get the image of the five seconds that I did see her out of my head for the last year. It still pops up every now and then. It’s impossible to forget.

~*~*~*~*~

         I woke up with my stomach full of knots.  I’m surprised I was able to fall asleep. It’s like my body knows. I went to bed last night at ten and woke up at midnight. I swear it was midnight on the dot. The second it turned to October 15th was the second I woke up and felt the immediate knot in the stomach. Obviously I’ve been feeling this for the past year but I’ve been dreading this day for a while. I don’t know what I’m going to do, I don’t know how I’m going to get through the day with JJ here and act strong and pretend nothing’s wrong. I should have asked Justin to take him. But then what? Then I’d just stay in bed all day and make myself sick. Maybe it’ll be better if I have JJ here and I can try to get my mind off it. The only problem is that I know that’s not going to happen.

 I already feel sick to my stomach and it’s the morning, I have all day to deal with this. I knew today would be hard but dammit, I didn’t think it’d start from the second I woke up.  I feel like I’m going to throw up… ok I’m going to throw up. Luckily I made it to the bathroom in time. I stood up after throwing up the little that was in my stomach and looked in the mirror. I’m disgusting.  I made the mistake of lifting up my shirt to look at my stomach that was not carrying a child of any sort. And here come the tears, I knew they’d be coming.         

         I really need to straighten my shit out.

         Another loud crack of thunder vibrated through the house followed by lightning that lit up the whole room. There was a thunderstorm like this last year too; there will forever be thunderstorms on October 15th. Its god’s way of reminding me. I don’t need a reminder. I’ll remember it forever. We could do without the thunderstorms.

         Exactly one year ago today I went into labor with our second child, Jenny Lynn.

         It was raining… thunder, lightning like a monsoon. The roads were full of traffic because people in California don’t know what to do with rain. I was lying in a hospital bed about to go in labor while my husband was god knows where. JJ, who was three at the time, was sitting in the waiting room with Justin’s cousin while Justin’s mother was standing next to me, trying to calm me down. “He’ll be here any second.”

         “I can’t hold her in much longer.  She’s ready to come now.”

         “He’ll be here, there’s just a lot of traffic.”

         “I just really want him here, he has to be here.”

         “He’s coming sweetie,” she held onto my hand tightly. There’s something about Justin’s mother that always made me feel safe. She’s just one of those ladies, like my mother, who makes you feel like everything will be alright, even if you know deep down it won’t. For some reason, on that day, at that moment it didn’t work. I knew deep down that it wasn’t going to be all right; I knew something was going to go terribly wrong. Stupid me thought the biggest thing that could go wrong would be that Justin would miss his first daughter’s birth. Boy, was I wrong.

         Justin ran in completely out of breath, “Are you alright? You’re ok?” he kissed my forehead and grabbed my hand as his mother left the room, “Shit baby, I didn’t think I was going to make it,” he laughed.

         “I didn’t think you’d make it either. It’s not fucking funny, stop laughing,” I ordered, my eyes filling with tears. There’s no need for me to pretend that I wasn’t a complete bitch through my entire pregnancy. I don’t know why, it was like some evil version of me took over my body for nine months. Justin always knew how to deal with me though, I’m sure he’s the only man that could have lived with me through those times.

         “I’m sorry, I know it’s not funny. I was worried; I thought I’d miss it. How are you doing? What’s going on?”

         “It hurts, I didn’t think you were going to be here,” I began crying.

         “It’s alright baby, I’m here now,” Justin kissed my lips quickly and wiped the sweat off my face, “What do you need? Some ice?

         “We’re going to have you start pushing sweetheart,” the doctor said.

         I never heard her cry. She never cried, as soon as she came out I saw Justin’s face and I knew immediately something was very wrong. He looked like he had seen a ghost, like his whole life came crashing down. He went from pure excitement, like any man who just became a father again, to just… nothingness. 

         “Why isn’t she crying?” I was so scared when she wasn’t crying and Justin’s face just topped it off, “Justin, why did they take her? Why wasn’t she crying?” I screamed.

         It took him a second to answer, he couldn’t even look at me at first, he stared into space and licked his lips and grabbed onto my hand. I remember it like it was yesterday, I remember every single second and every single detail.  “I don’t know baby, they probably had to just check some things out, it happens sometimes.” He kissed my forehead, “I love you Kendall, you look beautiful. I love you so much. Are you doing all right? Do you want some ice or something?”

         “I want my baby, where is she?”

         “I don’t know baby, I love you. You have no idea how much I love you.”

         “Alright Justin, you love me. Stop. Where’s my baby?”

         When I looked at the clock and saw it was already past nine, I went to JJ’s room. I’m surprised he’s not up yet, and of course now that I’m paranoid about everything I was scared something was wrong. I stood at the door of his room and saw him hiding under the covers, “JJ, where are you?”

         “Under here Mommy,” he answered softly, never removing the covers from his head.

         I lay down next to him and joined him under the covers, “Why are you under here?”

         “Thunder’s scary,” he answered curling up to me.  I need to get over Jenny Lynn and be thankful for what I have.  I am extremely grateful for JJ and I don’t know what I’d do without him, it’s just hard to know that I should have had another one almost as amazing as he is.

         “You should have come in Mommy’s room sweetie.”

         “Daddy says not to be scared cause it’s just God bowling.”

         “That’s very true,” I began.

         “But I don’t like bowling.”

         I had to laugh at his reasoning, “You love bowling.”

         “No suh, it’s too big.”

         “The little balls, remember? And they put the bumpers in?”

         “Oh yeah,” I saw a smile come over his small face, “Can we go?”

         I smiled, “Maybe tomorrow.” I love this kid so much, I really do.

         He nodded his head and looked up at me, “My tummy hurts.”

         “How come?”

         He shrugged, “I’m sad.”

         “Why are you sad?”

         “I dunno, I just am.”

         It’s like he knows, either that or he can tell I’m sad and he thinks he has to be too. “I think you’re just hungry. I’ll go make you some yummy chocolate chip pancakes. Sound good?”

         JJ nodded his head even though he still had that sad look covering his face.

         “Do you want to come downstairs with me or stay here in your fort?”

         “Stay here.”

         “OK Babe, I’ll call you when it’s ready and you can come down.”

         “K. Mommy guess what?”

         “What?”

         “I love you. You’re the best Mommy in the whole wide world!”

         I couldn’t open my mouth because I knew if I did I would cry. Instead, I smiled and hugged him tightly before safely making it out of the room so I could cry in peace.

~*~*~*~**~*~*

         Standing in front of MY house that is no longer my house in the pouring rain hearing the thunder on this day brought back too many memories. Bad memories, horrible memories, memories I wish I could forget. I knocked on the door and no one came to answer.  I could see Kendall inside but she was at the other end of the house, I knocked again.

         “Don’t you have a key?” my mother asked as she moved closer to the overhead so she wouldn’t get wet.

         “I don’t think it works.”

         My mother gave me one of her famous looks that tells me I’m a complete idiot, “I think it works Justin. Kendall doesn’t think you’re going to come in the middle of the night and steal her television.”

         It would technically be my television, so even if I were to ‘steal’ it, I would be taking something that is already mine.  The key actually did work, surprisingly enough. We walked inside and there was complete silence. “Ken? Are you here?” I called out and got no response.  We stopped at the doorway to the kitchen and watched as Kendall was beating whatever it is she’s making.  She had her back towards us and didn’t even notice we were there. “Kendall, we’re going to…” nothing. It’s as if she’s in a whole other dimension.  I looked over at my mother and her face told me exactly how she felt.  She let out a sigh and walked over to Kendall.

         “Sweetheart,” my mother said softly and turned Kendall around.  Her face was tearstained and as soon as she saw us she quickly wiped them away.  I know she wanted to tell us she was fine, but she couldn’t.  She hates to cry, especially in front of my mother.  She told me early on that I was the only one she could cry in front of.  I would imagine she no longer feels that way about me. Ken couldn’t even talk, she just continued crying, bawling this time and fell into my mother’s arms.  My mother and Ken were always close; both our families became close right away.  Her parents are amazing just like mine; we were very lucky in that aspect.  I’ve heard so many horror stories about the in-laws; it was very refreshing to find that she had a family so similar to mine.  It made spending the holidays away from my family much easier. But my mother and Kendall always had this special bond.  I don’t know what it is, maybe because they’re so much alike. My mother and I have always been extremely close, she was always my best friend and then Kendall came along and she kind of passed the torch.

         I figured I’d give them their moment alone and go find JJ. When I went to his room he was hiding under the covers. “What’s going on in here?”

         “Daddy!” he shouted and tried to get out from under the blankets but he was trapped.

         I laughed and helped him out, “What’s going on buddy?” He jumped on my lap and gave me a hug, “Are you scared of a little thunder?”

         “No Daddy, its just God bowling.”

         I smiled at that, I told him that. It still makes me proud when he says things I told him. I mean, I’ve been his father for four years and it never gets old.

         “I missed you Daddy! Are you coming home?”

         It hurts when he asks me that. I don’t know what’s gotten into him, he never used to ask, but now it seems like all he wants is for us to be in the same house. I feel ya man, I want to be back too. It’s your mother we have to deal with. “You missed me? You just saw me three days ago!” I chose not to acknowledge the second part.

         “Oh yeah, when we was in the desert.”

         He’s at the age that he remembers everything. I told him once that Vegas was in the desert and now he’s going to be telling everyone he was in the desert like we left him out there in the middle of nowhere. “Yeah man, when we were in the desert,” I answered with a chuckle, “Granny called me last night and said that she wants you to come sleep over at her house tonight. What do you think?”

         “Granny did?” his face lit up, “Are we going now?”

         “Yeah, let’s just get your things ready,” I stood up and walked to the closet to grab his bag.

         “Daddy guess what? Mommy’s making me chocolate chip pancakes!” I really wish the fact that my mother is making me chocolate chip pancakes lit up my life as much as it lights up his. I would give anything to have the same problems as a four year old, not a care in the world.

         “She is huh? You know what, I think Granny will make you some at her house.  She makes the best chocolate chip pancakes ever.”

         “No suh,” he giggled, “Mommy makes the best.”

         “No way, Granny puts extra chocolate chips.”

         “Oh yeah? But Mommy makes Mickey ones.”

         “How does she do that?”

         “Well first, you get the big one and then you get the little ones.”

         “How many little ones?”

         “Two silly, for the ears.”

         “Oh, ok then what?” I grabbed some clothes and put them in his bag as he explained.  

         “Then you get the chocolate chips and put a little for a eye,” I watched as he pretended he was making one on his bed, “And then a little more for the other eye. And then the nose and then a biiiig smile.”

         “Alright man, you know how to make those. Do you think you could show Granny how to make them?”

         “Yeah, I’m good at it.  Mommy says I’m faboolas”

         “Fabulous? You are.” I laughed and grabbed onto him, “Let’s try that counting thing again, try it upside down.”

         J laughed as I held him upside down but was able to count. He’s so smart, I know every parent thinks their kid is the smartest kid ever but he really is.  I don’t think he’s the smartest kid in the world, but he is smart.  And I’m sure it’s a possibility he is the smartest four year old at least in LA… maybe even California. I took him downstairs and noticed that my mother was still talking to Kendall, I don’t want to interrupt them and I sure as hell don’t want him to see his mother crying. “Oh no Daddy, I forgot Teddy!”

         “Oh no we can’t have that, go get him.”

         I stood in the doorway and watched my mother put a hand on either side of Kendall’s head and brought their faces right up to each other. I don’t know what she was saying but Kendall was nodding her head.  My mother wiped Kendall’s eyes and then her own before turning around and giving me a small smile. “Is he ready?” she hugged me and rubbed my back before running her hand over my face.

         “Yeah, he’s just going to get Teddy.”

         My mom nodded her head and hugged me again just as JJ came running down. 

         “Granny! Granny!”

         “How are you doin’ little Justin?” she asked as she picked him up, “Are you going to come stay with me for a little while?”

         “Yeah, but first I gotta have breakfast.  Mommy’s making me pancakes.”

         Kendall laughed and grabbed onto him, “Baby, Granny’s going to make them for you at her house.  I told her the secret and she is going to make them perfect. As long as you help her. Can you do that?”

         “No, I want you to make them,” he started pouting out his lip.

         “Oh, come on J, you were just telling me how you know how to make them.  Teach Granny? She was just telling me on the ride over here that she needs help making those Mickey pancakes.”

         “But I want Mommy to make them!”

         “Baby, Granny wants to make them for you.  If you don’t like them I’ll make you some tomorrow but I’m sure you’re going to love them.”

         My mother was always the strongest person I ever knew. I respect her so much because she’s always been so strong.  When I was younger we had our tough time, she and my father divorced when I was real little and my father disappeared for the most part. We didn’t have much money but she always made me feel like we were fine.  I know now, looking back, that there were times where she worried about not having enough money to pay the bills or to get food. But she never let me know.

         Kendall really is giving my mother a run for her money.  It was just seconds ago where she was standing there crying with my mother and then JJ comes down and they’re both smiling and laughing like it’s nothing. I don’t think I could do that.  Granted, I’m not really one to cry. I think I’ve cried a total of three times in my life.  One of which was a year ago today.

         “Alright baby, I’ll see you tomorrow. Have fun, be good.” Kendall gave him a hug and put him down.

         “Bye Mommy. Bye Daddy.”

         “Bye buddy, I’ll see you later alright?” he nodded his head before running into my arms, “Thanks Ma.”

         “Of course sweetie,” she said before hugging Kendall and then me, “Call me if you need me.”

          JJ and my mother left, leaving Kendall and me alone. I’m not exactly sure what to do next. I haven’t thought that far in advance yet.

         “Do you want some pancakes?” Kendall turned right back to the stove.

         “Sure” OK, I guess that’s how we’re going to deal with it, by doing what we do best: not talking about it.