“So you mean we’re all set?”

         “Yes, everything is all set and you’re free to leave.” The doctor answered a very concerned Justin.

         “Wait, wait,” Justin held his hands up, “You’re just going to let us leave, with this baby?”

         I laughed as my usually strong and confident husband asked the question, “Yes Justin, he’s our baby, of course they’re going to just let us leave.” It was funny and also completely adorable to see how scared shitless Justin really was.

         “I mean, we don’t have to pass a test or anything? You’re not going to teach us anything? You’re just giving us this baby and sending us on our way?”

         “Do you have any questions, Mr. Timberlake? I’d be happy to answer any questions you may have.”

         “Yeah, I’ve got questions. Are you kidding?”

         “Alright, what can I help you with?”

         “Well to start, how do I put the car seat in?”

         The doctor laughed at his panicked question.

         “Justin, baby, my father put the car seat in. It’s all set, we’re fine. He’s just a little nervous.” I assured the doctor. The last thing we need is this guy thinking he’s crazy and not giving us our little son to take home. Our son, it’s so weird to say that. It’s so weird that he’s not in my belly anymore, now he’s right there, the most adorable little baby in the whole world.  “Thanks so much for all your help, doctor.”

         “Of course, if there’s anything else I can do please let me know. Call us if you have any questions.”

         “We will, thank you.” I said as we headed to the elevator, “You can’t act crazy, they’re going to think something’s wrong with you and not let us take the little one home,” I laughed as we made it down to the car.

         “I am crazy. How are you not nervous about this? He’s so little. What if we break him?”

         “We’re not going to break him Justin. We’ve got it covered. We went to all those classes, we’ve both been around kids our whole lives.”

         “Yeah, but not our kid. I’ve never been around a kid straight from the… uterus.”

         I giggled and kissed his lips gently, “I love you so much.”

         Justin gave me that cute half smile he has as we walked to the car. “It’s just finally setting in that we have a kid.”

         “I know, it’s kind of crazy, huh? A real, live baby. With all his fingers and toes and he’s alive and he’s breathing and he’s adorable.”

         “Of course he’s alive and breathing. And adorable, come on now, he is my kid.”

         I rolled my eyes as Justin wrapped his right arm around my waist, his left hand holding onto the carrier. “He looks more like me though, that’s what everyone says.”

         “He looks exactly like me, what are you talking about? My mother went home to get my baby pictures to compare. She says we won’t be able to tell the difference.”

         “I hope he turns out just like you, except for maybe a couple things.”

         “Like what?” he pretended to be shocked I’d suggest such a thing.

         “Um… well I hope he doesn’t snore like you.”

         “I don’t snore!”

         “You do. You need to come to terms with it. It’s not that bad, but you definitely snore, just a little.”

         “If I snore a little than you snore a lot.”

         “Yeah, except I don’t snore at all.”

         “Whatever you say,” Justin said with a chuckle as he drove us home. “So what do you think? Are we going to have some time just the three of us or is there going to be a crowd of people there when we get home?”

         “The three of us, that’s so cool.” I think it’s going to take me a long time to get used to that. “It’ll just be the three of us. I told them to give us some time. I’m exhausted, the little one is exhausted, we all need a night of relaxing.”

         “Yeah that sounds good to me. How are you feeling by the way?”

         “Wonderful, I’m walking on air,” I smiled as he pulled into the driveway, “I’m so relieved the labor is over and we have our baby.”

         “Me too,” he kissed my forehead before grabbing the little one from the backseat. “I’m glad I get to hold him, and I’m even happier I have the next four months off to spend every second with the two of you.”

         “I’m really excited about that too. I’m so proud you learned to say no to work stuff.”

         “Of course. Like I’m really going to go on tour a month after my first son is born.”

         “Your first? Are you planning on having more?” I asked with a smile.

         “Sure, a couple more. A girl next though, gotta keep it balanced.”

         “Yeah, and we already have the room set up.”

         Justin laughed, “Come on, you have to admit you’re glad we didn’t find out. It was much more exciting when the doctor said, It’s a boy! Than it would have been if they told us months ago from an ultrasound.”

         “I admit it, you were right.”

         When it was time to decide if we wanted to know the sex of the baby, Justin was absolutely against it. I, on the other hand, wanted to know. Not because I wanted to ruin the surprise, I just thought it would be more useful to know. How would we know how to decorate the nursery? What kind of clothes should we buy? I didn’t want to dress the baby in all yellow, unisex clothing. Half the fun is finding the cute little blue or pink outfits. Justin wouldn’t hear it. He wanted to go out into the waiting room and announce to the world if our new addition was a boy or a girl.

         So his solution was to have two rooms. We’d decorate each one completely, one for a girl, one for a boy. Then we’d be all set when the time came. If the baby were a girl, we’d put her in the nursery next to our room. But the baby was a boy, so he went into the Jungle themed room across the hall. When Justin surprised me with his solution, I think I cried. Sure, it had a lot to do with the fact that I cried about almost everything during my pregnancy, but it really was thoughtful. It’s nice to have money, something I never really got used to. It seemed like it was kind of a waste, but I knew deep down that some day I’d get my girl, and the room would be put to good use.

         “Ken, the pancakes!” I shouted causing her to jump a foot in the air. She’s drifting off to some other land, I can’t say I blame her. “Sit down, I’ll take care of it,” I led her to the table and grabbed the spatula so I could flip the burnt pancakes into the trash.

         “Thanks for coming,” she spoke softly.

         “Oh yeah, of course.”

         “I was really worried about how I was going to get through the day with JJ.”

         “It’s not a problem, don’t worry about it,” I answered before pouring the batter into the frying pan. “How are you feeling?”

         “Horrible. How about you?”

         “Yeah, pretty bad.” I agreed. It would be helpful if I knew what to say. I’ve never been so clueless in my life. I’m usually good with talking, with communicating. I mean fuck, it’s my job to talk to people and be interviewed, why can’t I find the words to talk to my own wife? “Maybe if we talked…”

         “Not today, Justin.  Please don’t even start that today.”

         I wanted to yell at her and ask her when the fuck she wants to talk about it. It’s been a year, a fucking year. The whole ignoring it thing obviously isn’t working so maybe talking about it is worth a try. But she doesn’t want to talk about it, she wants to ignore it and hold in all inside her until she bursts. I think she’s pretty close to bursting now.

         The doctor sat us down in his office. I don’t know why he bothered, but he insisted we go to his office. It’s not like we didn’t know what was going on. At least I knew what was going on. I’m not so sure about Kendall. I think she thought it wasn’t as serious as it was; she had some faith that it would all work out. She always used to be like that. She’d always find the good in the situation. She’s lost that quality, along with many other ones, since that day.

         I phased out the second he told us we lost the baby. Even though I already knew, it became real the second he told us. Not even to mention how real it was with Kendall screaming and asking him why, over and over again. I can still hear it.

         “It’s very uncommon…”

         “Then why did it happen?” Kendall cried before the doctor could finish.

         “Before labor, there are so many liquids that it’s impossible for the umbilical cord to get stuck in any one position. As soon as your water breaks, and the baby is trying to get into the position in the womb, that’s where the problem happened. Usually, if this happens, the nurses are able to remove the cord before any harm is done.”

         “Well why the hell didn’t they remove the cord then?” I asked the question. Now I’m getting pissed, we don’t need to know about how rare it is or how the nurses can usually fix it. Why the fuck didn’t they fix it? Why the fuck is my baby dead?

         “I’m afraid it’s not always possible. When your water broke, the baby wasn’t pushing against the cervix in the right position, so the cord wrapped around her neck before we were able to get in there and remove it.”

         I ran my hands through my hair; I can’t listen to this anymore.

         “I want to see her.” Kendall spoke strongly before wiping the tears from her eyes.

         “What?” I shouted, “No, no you don’t. You can’t. You don’t want to see her, Kendall. Listen to me, you don’t.”

         “Yes I do. I need to, I want to see what she looks like.”

         “What she looks like?” I screamed. “You can’t see her Ken. She doesn’t look like…” I cut myself off. She doesn’t look like a baby, she looks like a corpse, what am I supposed to say? She was tiny, she was blue, I can’t even fucking think about it. I know that image will be in my mind forever, for those few seconds I did see her. But I can’t let Kendall see her; it will only make things worse.

         “I want to see her!” Kendall shouted between tears, “She’s my baby and I have the right to see her. I don’t want her alone. She’s alone right now; I want to be with her. I want to see her!”

         “I’m afraid I can’t let you see her, Mrs. Timberlake. The hospital offers grievance counseling, I strongly suggest you take advantage of it.”

         “So that’s it?” Ken cried. “That’s it? I’m just supposed to leave without my baby? I’m just supposed to go home, with an empty car seat and go into her empty room? And when everyone asks me how my baby is I’m just supposed to tell them that she’s dead because my FUCKING UMBILICAL CORD STRANGLED HER???”

         “I’m so sorry, if there’s anything else we can do…”

         “Yeah, you can give me my fucking baby! You can stop this bullshit and hire fucking nurses that know how to do their jobs! You can warn me about this shit and tell me what the fuck I should have done to make sure this rare, almost impossible to happen thing doesn’t happen to my fucking baby!”

         “Alright,” I stood up and grabbed onto my wife, pulling her into a tight hug. That was when I cried, that moment right there. I couldn’t hold it back anymore, I’d been trying for the majority of the day, but it was at that moment that I decided I couldn’t do it anymore. I didn’t give a fuck who saw me crying, my fucking baby girl died before I even got to hold her. “We’re leaving, come on baby, let’s go home.”

         “I’m not going home! I don’t want to go home without my baby! I want to see her! Why can’t I see her?”

         “You don’t want to see her. Trust me, you don’t want to see her. It’s going to be alright, we’re going to go home and everything is going to be alright.”